What do you do when...?

[Stellata]

What do you do when literally everything makes you anxious, stirs up doubt, suspicion and paranoia?
What do you do when you're struggling to keep afloat, but you just keep sinking?
What do you do when even there's a sign of hope, and you feel cheered for an afternoon, then crumple again as if it never happened?
What do you do when your fight-flight response is off the scale, and you're so jittery nowhere feels safe?

I'm scared.

I can't seem to 'pull myself together' enough any more.
I'm so exhausted.
But I can't stop, I can't.

[ghosts in the machine]

I try, and occasionally succeed, in finding myself/ves time to do a 'blanking out' activity. For me this can be gaming on my Xbox - just finding a mindnumbing task to repeat on the screen that requires enough thought/concentration that I don't slip into dissociative fog, but not difficult enough that I will frustrate myself even more and exacerbate difficulties I'm already having. Something that I can not think and thus not engage with life.

A point you raised - not seeming to be able to 'pull yourself together' - partly why I'm scared of letting go of dissociation in general is that I need it to function in a 'non-functional' way. I'm making no sense, and I don't want to hijack your thread Katie. I hope things are settled for you asap; these past few months have sounded like an unbearably unstable situation for you and that takes it's toll, I know.

[emzycat]

You realize that these are the cards you have been dealt with, talk to us! We feel the same way

[Stellata]

Thank you.

I just, want to hide and sleep. Everything is too raw and I'm just so consumed with worry and doubt and anxiety.
I know that this is indeed the effect of long term stress and uncertainty, and I know I can't run from it. But, I just, want to.

[startingagain]

You could practically leave your work situation though, or at least set in motion plans to leave. A lot of your worries are linked to your job and I know from my own experience that a new job can make a huge difference.

[Stellata]

I can't divulge anything re my job. Lets just say that things are shifting on that front. But nothing concrete yet. I just need to accept that, and do what I need to do.

[Stellata]

Acceptance aside, my psyche is showing the strain and even signs of hope aren't enough to 'glue' me back to more wholeness, less split-ness.

And I don't really understand why my fight-flight reaction is so intense. Surely I was never traumatised 'enough' in my past for it to be *this* bad? Seriously, I have a split personality. I can be friendly and warm and kind, but the instant my defences are breached, I'm cold, nasty, abusive, even violent.

[Horizon]

I think a lot of people have two sides to them, and sometimes they come out when under stress or strain and people act in different ways than they usually would.
Are you working in therapy about your fight-flight reactions?

[Stellata]

Thanks Megan. I know I've really fallen into a bad state over recent months. Recovery is going to be slow and probably messy. I wish I had a safe, quiet, private place to retreat to.

Sort of. There's SO MUCH going on though. And right now the sort of practical urgent thing to talk through in tomorrow's session is what's emerged re the work situation for me [cannot say more, sorry].
The trouble with f-f is that is so primitive. How the heck does one change it/calm it down?

[roiben]

Does it matter what happened in the past? I know that sounds harsh, but the problem is how you are feeling and coping now. Some people have no abuse or suffering or trauma in their past and still struggle at times. There is nothing wrong with struggling, or needing help and you do not need anything to have happened, or to be of a certain level of trauma to justify how you are feeling now.

Please, stop blaming yourself. You are feeling stressed out because work is being crummy. That is normal, and natural. Allow yourself that. Your body is showing signs of stress, so work on things that de-stress you. Work on taking time out and relaxing and showing your body that it can switch off the fight/flight response without any harm coming to you.

It is the only thing you can do right now.

Be gentle with yourself - you deserve that.

Roiben x

[misscherie]

I agree with Roiben, if this helps - sometimes praying and venting in my diary, helps me out :)

[Stellata]

Thank you both.

I actually told my therapist everything this morning, and she was understanding and accepting, and not angry with me.

I am so utterly beyond exhausted. But I worked REALLY hard at work this afternoon.

[finding_reason]

Hi Katie,

I do really resonant with what Roiben said above.

I am glad that you were able to be honest and open with your therapist, and I encourage you to continue to be as honest with her as your are with yourself. I think its important that you don't get bogged down in your concern for what she will think and or do in response to your sharing...this is her career she is there to listen to anything and everything, and from your shared experience before she sounds like a person that isn't going to walk away quickly. Your health and well-being is paramount in that relationship, I urge you to continue to be honest with all that is happening for you.

I know that you can't say anything about work, but just be gentle and kind to yourself and do what you can do right now. over exertion is going to take a toll particularly during this high time of stress that you are experiencing.

be well. hope that you're feeling a bit stronger today. did you get some rest?

[roiben]

Thinking of you, Katie. How are you today?

*cuddles*

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you both.

My anxiety continues to ebb and flow according to internal and external stimuli. My sleep is slightly better, at least.

Things work wise are still in flux, but looking better.

[Stellata]

I feel really horrible and depressed and angry and sad and self punitive and suicidal. And lonely.

[roiben]

*wraps arms around and cuddles*

Is there anything you can do to self soothe at the moment?

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you so much, Roiben.

Today's somewhat better, after therapy this morning.

[Stellata]

I feel so empty. So depressed and empty.
I understand quite a bit of the reason why. But because a lot of it is related to work stuff, which is still strictly confidential, I cannot talk about it here.

This emptiness, it goes so so deep. Beyond words.

[finding_reason]

Sometimes its not about us 'knowing' the intimate details of what is happening for you rather just sit with you as you share your feelings of emptiness and depression. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Its clear to me that these feelings are far more engrained than just a situational environment like work - so you can if you want talk about some of the more deep rooted parts of these feelings.

I've noticed that you have been quite active on the boards in different ways its good to see that you are able to provide support to others but also to share. For someone who is feeling so down; I see you as very strong and resilient and pushing forward despite the deep engrained emotions and thoughts. That is something to be celebrated, not many people could do that.

Are you able to appreciate that there are elements of yourself that are really trying to reach out, to connect with the outer world?

take care of yourself Katie, it's not easy I know but you're doing it and that's something rather powerful in itself.

[Stellata]

Thanks Ashleigh.

Yes, it goes right back to birth/attachment trauma pain. Which I am exploring and untangling in therapy.

Intrinsic to it all is my self perception, and a radical shift in that, although there are fragmented pockets where the darkness clings.
I am doing my best to keep connected with others, yes. When I can't/won't/am alone, then I start to fall into the emptiness. I realised this morning that the anger, rage and hostility is an attempt to bypass the emptiness.

I'm trying to eat as best I can, and do what I can to sleep well. [Which includes ear plugs much of the night, as we have a new person in the flat upstairs who is nocturnal, where I'm so totally not.]

I'm doing my best to keep moving forwards, even though everything feels [somewhat irrationally] pointless and empty and despairing and too much.

[roiben]

How are you doing today, Katie?

*sends hugs*

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Better from therapy this afternoon, thanks Roiben. Last night was... ropey.

My main thread now is in Vets Support.