This may sound incredibly odd, but... I'm having racial problems.

[HarbinSnowfall]

More specifically, as has been since 2006, and probably earlier, "caring too much what others(particularly hurtful and mean people) think". But it seems to be the worst on the subject of race, as incredibly embarrassing as it is to admit. But due to my mental state, I'm already pushing this on all of my friends and family and forums I go to not dedicated to this subject. And they're getting noticeably flustered at it and I'm losing a lot of face.

It's as if all of the racists who have ever hated me are finally invading my brain. I have intrusive thoughts, and I can't seem to run from their hateful opinions of me for liking Asian culture, no matter how hard I try.

Instead of going on the same rant that would annoy you and has caused users on places like MyAnimeList to say things like "yeah, you should kill yourself for being and whiny, man up" and things like that, I'll spare you and try to at least keep my OP a little more on the simple side(this is already probably a wall of text). My family is also getting sick of me bothering them about it and think my problem is stupid and simple.

That's the gist of it, I can't seem to accept a lot about myself. My sexuality, my interest in different cultures, almost everything. But the worst is my interest in Asia, despite the fact I am a Westerner. It eats me up inside. I have intrusive thoughts, and that makes it worse, if is not the source of the problem to begin with. That's the main gist of it.

I've tried going to another psychologist lately, but have since stopped, because despite me giving any reasonable reason to think this, she diagnosed me with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and wants to put me in a hospital because she thinks I am a danger to myself and others.

I think that's a simple enough explanation without paining you without hopefully too much text. I probably failed, but I tried to keep it short as I can. If you want to read more, here are some recent threads I've made at TvTropes about the subject.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13055763080A13708700&page=1
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=12970382460A41300100&page=1
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13049270130A11137500&page=1#16
I figure I need to given them a break from my problems anyway, that's part of why I'm here. An "in real life" friend of mine told me I should come here, despite the fact I do not cut. So please be patient with inane, long-winded foolery. That's a lot to read, but it's there for you if you do. There are more things I've written you could read to understand, but those three are good enough.

To keep my question simple, how do I care less what other people, what hateful and derisive people think? And I apologize if I've offended you.

[bitomato]

Hi HS,
A little lost. I know that there is a difference between interest and obsession and I appreciate that depending on the community you live in, your interest in a race/ ethnicity/ culture different from your own can be tolerated, welcomed, ignored, viewed with indifference or rejected.

You said at one point:
" I don't want to not be weird. I like being weird. I only want to be weirder. What I don't want, however, is to continue caring more about what others think about me than almost anyone on the planet. There are limits to Socrates' "all I know is that I know nothing".

Help me figure this out. It'll probably be good for my mental health. I mean, the rest of the world thinks that it is true, so it must be. Oh wait, I'm caring too much what others think again. Oh my... "

I think this sums up some of your issues. but I cannot pick it apart with any help without knowing more about it. Some of the comments people made on your thread about labels............spot on. No one is completely any label because human beings evolve in their understanding and each individual does not fit neatly into a box. One may have strong views on something but it doesn't have to be doctrinal.

In terms of developing a self-identity, you might need to explore not only who you are, but where you came from and where you want to go. I do not know the language of the specific "group" (anime?) you linked us to because I do not have sufficient exposure to that. Similarly, you are using a lot of labels but not really discussing the depth of issues. You hold all of these views/ positions but do you know why? Often alot of people who hold these views also are involved in non online communities and take up a position on things going on in the social world around them. It doesn't appear that you feel safe to express those views without facing attack from people like your family. But changing your views like the tide doesn't resolve anything either.

I understand that it can be very frustrating to see things happening around you and not be able to affect them however, if you don't focus on being healthy it can become difficult to communicate your views to others as well as keep a clear idea of who you are in your head when everything seems to impact on you.

Do you spend alot of time online, especially in forums? Maybe you could take a break, get out more, and read books? Listen to other perspectives at lecturers/ movies and attend forums (non-online) where you just develop a perspective through listening. Try to understand the history behind certain "labels".

Could you explain exactly what each of those labels that you come under/ put yourself under are? On a site like this, the mental health labels might seem like the most relevant. but they are only snapshots/ aspects of a whole. While I can acknowledge certain behaviours in myself due to a diagnosis, or certain views due to a belief system, listening to another person's view does not mean in order to be "open" to the fact that I know nothing about their position that I have to change my view. Knowing nothing to me is humbling yourself to the fact that we are always learning. But not in that what we have learnt so far has no value.

I am not my skin colour. My ethnicity is a mix of which I have sought to and continue to learn about. However, the phenotype- what is genetically expressed- and what the world sees and makes judgements on- does not tell of even the tip of the ice berg in terms of the variance that that contributes to my history- and still it does not finalise or determine who I am or will be in the future. E.g. from my limited understanding White/ Caucasian/Westerner is not a box in which anyone fits perfectly. It can be further pulled apart into various belief systems and experiences. Similarly Black/ Asian/ Non-Westerner have subcomponents. I myself have a mix of all so I do not run about asking who am I or identify myself by one more than the other. I am made up of a lot, but I am not the sum of my parts like some automobile.

I do not need anyone to defend me, my race etc. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and know who I am in order to stay well.

[HarbinSnowfall]

You know, maybe I do spend too much time online. I think I'm maybe suffering from internet addiction, and that's part of the problem. I seem to continually have the growing desire to do something and put a piece of myself out online. Show off what video games I play, argue about subject.

Do you have any advice for me to stop having this continual desire to come online communicate with others all of the time? I do have real life friends, and we can't see each other every day. But you were saying a book. The problem is, I still have intrusive thoughts that make reading difficult.

Is there anything I can do for intrusive thoughts other than going to a psychologist. I've only been able to find one so far in my town, and she has misdiagnosed me with schizofrenia and wants to put me in a hospital. Needless to say I don't want to go see her again. Maybe it doesn't matter what I do, as long as I try to stay offline other than maybe to talk with my "in real life" friends on Instant Messenger or Facebook. And stay away from strangers. Maybe even if I'm just wallowing on the bed and suffering from intrusive thoughts while listening to music, that would be better than reinforcing the internet into my life? Maybe if I stop going to the internet for a while, the thoughts will at least lessen?

Maybe that would be the right direction.

Ummm... is there a specific type of label I've been given you need to know about? I've been given just about every one that exists under the sun...

[bitomato]

I could be wrong HS, but I am pretty sure only a psychiatrist can diagnose you. I am pretty stubborn when it comes to my MH care, and I kind of push through the icky so that I develop a therapeutic relationship with my health care professionals.

You could start with a watch. Try to break up the time that you sit infront of a computer screen from one chunk to several. Try to reduce the time by 15 minutes then 30 minutes..........for me it is hard because I am resistant to make new friends, but I do note when I am online too long.

Are you in school, still a teenager, live with parents, working with Anime?

I cannot advise you with any expertise on how to adjust your life, it is something that you have to figure out for yourself. Even a diagnosis of schizophrenia- what does a label like that mean to you? Why does the therapist want you to go to hospital? There are two sides to most relationships and if you are in a place where you either cannot value your view or cannot see another persons view clearly, things can be unbalanced.

And definitely, while you cannot see your friends or talk to them all the time, arranging to see them in person may be better than online. A basic routine of getting out of bed and going for a walk is a good idea. Documenting the intrusive thoughts in a journal to share with your psychologist, and definitely listening to music.

I cannot give you a solution. I am not interested in a label. But I do think that you need to remember that you are not alone. There are people like you out there who are different and proud of it. You just need to give yourself time to be comfortable in your own skin.

[HarbinSnowfall]

My situation is pretty sad, I got out of college, got a quick minimum wage job while still living with my parents. Then I lost the job, and have not only been unable to find another one, out looking for one and hanging out with friends, I crashed my car. So I now have to bug my friends and family to take me job hunting. Which has still shown me no favour. Somtimes I even walk to places to apply for a job, for exercise and pure necessity.

When I'm not doing that, I'm pretty glued to the computer screen.

I'll add a little bit more information later. I'm a bit tired and emotionally hectic right at the moment. I would be going to bed, but my friends planned to come over today. Thank you for your time and consideration, by the way.

[bitomato]

Hey HS,
I don't think your situation is sad, as much as typical of the predicament many of us face after college. Lack of job opportunities and still living at home. It is not what you thought it would be like. But the worse thing to do is give up. There is a job out there with your name on it- maybe several.

Are there job centres in your area? One place to go where you can see several available jobs and get advice. Do you have the option available to you to maybe do a course which has an apprenticeship at the end. For me volunteering has made a big difference in my life in terms of a structure for my day and in determining what area I would like to work in. Some volunteer jobs offer travel and meal stipends.

A car is not all things. I myself cannot drive all the time, and the bus can be just as reliable. Also using the computer to look for jobs, send off applications, rather than talk in chat rooms etc.

Another thing is, do your friends build you up? Are they shirking off work for their own reasons or do they come and hang with you after college/ work? Is it time to meet new people? Why do you need to stay away from strangers? Online "friends" are not the same, but social interactions in the real world are a necessary part of life. What does "hanging out" involve- drinking, drugs or going to places that build your mind and body like the gym, sports activities, pool, park or music show? (You don't have to post your answers about your private business- you can pm me if you want- but I am a bit of a Dear Judy in my public replies).

I think a visit to the library is helpful if you go online in a public place it will be time sensitive, you might find audio books that will help with concentration re: intrusive thoughts, or be able to get a wider selection of books, plug in your headphones and read.

Writing (not online) is also important. Especially documenting intrusive thoughts and maybe the events that lead up to having them. I wouldn't send the psychologist down the river after a couple of visits. Maybe come to some sort of agreement/ goal with them about visits. You don't want to be hospitalised but you do have certain goals like intrusive thoughts that you want to deal with. You have to take some responsibility as well as set some boundaries in terms of where you are prepared to go- medication etc. If you cannot agree see if they can refer you on- because if you are experiencing severe issues, you deserve to have someone to listen to you.

The hardest thing for me in the beginning was listening to things that I didn't want to hear from my psychologist and psychiatrist. At the same time, the longer I was their client/ patient they learned more about me. It is about building therapeutic relationships- and if you are only comfortable with those that already exist or online ones, I can only imagine the stress you are under forming new ones. But maybe if you initially create a different label for your psychologist so that you can see them as your ally, collaborator and not nemesis, that will help your anxiety. Don't know the language of anime- but you need to start to believe in yourself and plant yourself on a path to recovery through action which has to take place outside your house and not infront of a computer screen.

[HarbinSnowfall]

Oh, my friends make me feel great and invigorate me. They're very postive to talk to, unlike most people online. Unfortunately, I can't hang out with them every single day or something like that. So when they're not here I do tend to slunk back down into doing things on the computer, like posting on Facebook, messaging on MSN, posting on forums, watching youtube and playing video games, that sort of thing. Funny thing is, they're in the same position as I am, young adults who are unemployed, mostly female. Some of them have disability checks and we're all living off of our parents and struggling to find a job, it's kind of pathetic. But thanks for telling me it's not so sad and pathetic. Yeah, I guess that's kind of normal in this economy. Does make one feel like a bit of a loser, though. I know my sister sure tells me that.

Yeah, I guess I've become kind of defeatist in terms of a job. I do still search, but it's so much easier to just do something like watch youtube videos or play games or post on forums on some occasions when I could be doing better things. I've gotten used to this disappointment of applying for jobs and not getting any.

I definitely should spend less time online, because it's like the my own voice in my head is starting to parrot all the terrible things I've heard and I can't get it out. Of course, it's not schizofrenia or halluciantions at all, but my psychaitrist heard that, the only one I've been able to find in town, and thought I had schizofrenia and bipolar disorder(I think I have OCD, but definitely not that). And after telling her, that sometimes I wish I could scream and break things, wanted to put me in a hospital so I haven't gone back. So I'm kind of alone in terms of psychologists/psychiatrists, and am afraid to look for one. I tried getting her to learn about me, but it seemed like the more I let out, the more she is distrusting and suspicious of me. It's like she doesn't even listen and takes the worst interpretations possible. I don't want to be put in a hospital against my will... and I fear at this rate I won't even have a choice. My parents also think it's a terrible idea to go back.

It's also hard to get out, since the bus doesn't come to where I live and I'm miles away from anything. I live on the outskirts of town between Hot Springs and Malvern Arkansas. I feel pretty lucky when I manage to get out into town anymore. But maybe I should try harder. A library would probably be a good idea, when I can.

And you're right, I should start writing. Probably on a traditional pen and paper to get my head away from the computer screen. And yeah, not on the internet. As doing that is just begging people to flame me.

As for how severe my problems are, I cannot seem to go back to studying languages I love without crying and feeling like a degerate the whole way through. To the point it becomes so frustrating I have to put down the book. Everything I love, I can't seem to enjoy, not because I'm burnt out, but because I feel like what I am doing is wrong and hated and I should find something else to go do to be a "good person". It's become an encompassing part of my life that I don't even know what I'd want to do at the moment without it. I only like what I like because I'm temporarly running from other things when I think I've done them too much and that doing them right now is wrong. My entire moods relating to what I feel like doing at the moment are dependent on this, and have been for years. And getting into something all rests on an excuse that what I am doing is right and okay, and it be something I can remotely enjoy on my own terms. My own desires. I don't even know who I would be and desire to do with my life without this stress, aside from maybe move abroad to experience another culture. Though my mind has been running and making excuses to enjoy things for so many years, I don't even know what I want to do and why without it anymore. I mean, I like a lot of things, luckily.

But now, it increasingly feels like I can't do anything of the thousands of things I love and enjoy in this world and it be okay. I feel like I'm caught in a tug-of-war with the world and opinion, and there is no escape anymore. Everything that is me, is not okay to be. And I cry, and I feel like screaming and breaking things and lashing out. I feel like laying in bed all day many days, the only activity being leaving music on, often of a soft and ambient variety. Or struggle to come back to something and make an excuse for it. I have these spasms of pain from these intrusive thoughts, that at best, I simply say out loud something like "brain" embrassingly, and at worst, well, I feel like lashing out at something or someone. And I seem to be crying out in pain from the thoughts more and more often. I'm pretty well able to mask it in public, but it is becoming harder and harder to not want to do embarassing things like that in front of people. I only hope I can keep keeping it in and at most put my hand on my head a little and go "ugh" in public from time to time.

Here at home, it's like I've been taken truly captive. Overwhelmed by feelings of wanting to push down on light switches, push on the door to make sure it's closed, clean the bathroom, clean the floor(noticing a single speck of dirt on the carpet can bother me for HOURS), and thoughts that make me feel there is nothing I can that I would enjoy and it be okay. Painful memories that make me feel like an idiot, memories of me just being who I am that make me feel shame and like there is no path I can possibly take that is not pitting me against the entire world. Spending hours a day cleaning things that don't need to be cleaned, double checking things that don't need to be checked. And fighting back thoughts and memories with moans of pain and even crying. Between that and sleep, so much time is taken away from me it might as well be a job. If I'm going to be wasting this much time I could be using to be happy, I'd might as well have a job, if even I didn't still feel like I could be myself with my off-work time, at least I could have some money and purchase some things I love to show for it. That I could properly enjoy once my mind got better.

Maybe that's not severe, but it personally seems that way to me. Like my mind is starting to unravel. Maybe that's a too "dramatic" way of putting it, I'm sorry. I hope this post... helped at all. And isn't just a bunch of ranting fluff.

[bitomato]

Hi HS,
Did that post help you is the real question? Something like that would be something that would be useful to touch on with a counsellor. Are there any walk in centres where you could at least find someone to talk to. Also having an awareness of the mental health laws may clarify the process for treatment and hospitalisation. My fear of getting hospitalised against my will impacted on me asking for help, but once I clarified that it was a complicated process is relaxed me a bit.

You are obviously distressed and I am not 100% sure of your parents logic for you not to go back to therapy. Maybe this particular therapist might not be who you need, but if you have to be driven a bit out of town to go to sessions- it would be worth it.

I really do think that you need to push on one of the fronts a bit harder- job or getting out of the house, or finding a counsellor. And the journal just to get out of your head. If you were seeing someone, I would recommend printing off this last piece for them. I don't see it as ranting, just loaded- I would not know where to suggest getting help with and I wouldn't be qualified to try.

I am glad that your friends invigorate you. But you will now need to try to be the pep squad for yourself where at all possible.