not that im worth it......

[Alone4eva]

but some support would be nice. i havnt been here in a while, cos i have been in hospital for the last 35 days. on a mental health ward. i didt release how big a problem i had until being here. i go to sleep wishing i never wake up. when i do wake up i do anything i can to self harm, i've done and used things that are crazy but im so desperate it doesnt bother me. im trying to talk to staff, get help, but no one is listening to ME, just labeling me, i dont know why im living anymore, im trapped, i dont want sympathy. that fixes nothing and will only hurt me.

[tifflehan]

Did you get no help at all in hospital?

[Alone4eva]

im still in hospital, im not safe to leave.
im getting a little help, but no one is really listening so im not getting as much help as i need and am trying to ask for

[tifflehan]

What are they "labelling" you?

[crazykat]

It's frustrating when all they seem to do is label you and don't listen. My advice is keep reaching out for help until someone listens. Maybe their is a particular nurse you get on with? That way it would make it easier to tell them?

[Alone4eva]

depressed, saying i need to start taking responsibility for my self harm, i know it is my fault, but i am addicted to it, and feel i have nothing else to live for anyway.
there was one i liked to talk to, but i asked for a word with her yesterday and first thing she said was whats wrong now so i was like well thanks.

[crazykat]

In a way they are right, because no one makes us self-harm other than us and it is only us that can choose to start to work towards giving it up. It isn't an easy thing but it is possible, however only you can choose whether you want to do this. Maybe you could ask for them some distraction ideas? As for the person you talked to don't see it as pushing you away, she may just have been having a bad day. Hold on there
Kat xxx

[tifflehan]

I think you just have to keep trying. Try with the nice doctor again. Have you tried writing it down and giving it to them maybe?

[Sleepless123]

Yeah on one level they are right but it is very simplistic and simple just to say start taking responsibility and if it was that simple really nobody would ever be in hosp.Although on some levels it may be true people need to [and i guess we all also need reminding once in a while] i also know it is not always the most helpful thing for people to say.Or at least thats what i prersonally have found.i dont mind having the reminder once in a while cos we all need that and we do have to take some responsibility but at the same time when people seem to use it as an answer to everything and not realise how complex things are or can be then at times it does frustrate me so realise this can be upsetting and really feel for you with the situation you are in.

As said above you seem quite good at expressing yourself in writing.And i know its not hte same for everyone but i actually find writing quite therapeutic so i wondered how you might feel about writing things down for the people at the hospital and maybe this could benefit both you and the staff.

i am also sorry for that comment the nurse made when you asked for a word.That really was not nice of her especially after you were so brave to ask.

Please keep talking and dont give up.i really feel for you and wish i could be more help.

Also feel free to PM me anytime.

And you are worth it....always...you may not feel like it right now but you are! Truely you are.

xx xx

[Tig]

there was one i liked to talk to, but i asked for a word with her yesterday and first thing she said was whats wrong now so i was like well thanks.

What a horrible attitude for the nurse to take with you. It must have taken you a lot of courage to approach the staff member and ask for help, so I can imagine how upsetting it must have been for you when she responded like that. I hope that it is a case of her not meaning for it to sound like it came across. Would you feel able to approach her again and check this out? It can be important so you don't feel more upset than you already do.

I have spent a lot of time in hospital and have often felt nobody was really listening and were just labelling me with various things and not really getting to know the person underneath. For me, the way I got through this was basically just to persevere. Try speaking to different members of staff. There will be someone there who is willing to listen to you and support you. It can just take time to find the right person. I didn't click with my psychiatrist ever but in time I found good relationships with a few members of staff.

I am sorry you are feeling so low and that you feel you have nothing to live for. I can relate to this and it is very distressing. With regards to the self harm, it can sound very harsh when people say "take responsibility" . I agree with Kat that perhaps you could ask for help on how to manage the self harm urges and thoughts. I don't think anybody will expect you to stop self harming totally on your own. We all need support when giving up coping mechanisms we have used for a long time - albeit, unhelpful coping mechanisms! You can choose to work towards stopping self harming, even though it can feel impossible at times. You don't need to think long term. Take it day by day or minute by minute. If you feel that you can't stop self harming at the moment, would you consider looking in to harm minimisation?

Please don't feel though that any of this is your fault. You are not a bad person. You have not caused this. You are somebody who is having a difficult time and for whatever reason learned to self harm as a way to cope. That doesn't make you bad. We care for you here. I hope you will be able to reach out for our support too.

[Alone4eva]

thank you for the comments. i have kinda found a nurse i click with but it takes little while for me to trust so i just stepping careful atm, i dont wanna get hurt again. i havnt self harmed in a few days, one of my wounds has got infected but i am keeping it clean and looking after it best i can. stupid nurse yesterday put a alcohol wipe on it :crazy: that freaking HURT!

i have been in hosp 42 days now. still not looking much closer to leaving. they are trying to sort me out some supported accommodation as the ppl i used to live with kicked me out after a week in hosp due to not being able to cope with my mental illness. so im homeless too. fun.

i have been writing some things down, little quotes about how i feel and drawings and things, i showed my CPN, didt want to but need someone to see how i feel and thats the only way atm i can express myself, she was really pleased i'd found a way. i also went back to college yesterday, right now its just another stress but i need it for my future. so im trying to stick at it. i have a day off today then im back at college 2moro. but only 9-12. so will be a short easy day i hope.

sigh. ever keeps telling me how im a fighter, how strong i am to have made it through what i have been through and to still be here, that i can get through this. but i dont feel like i can anymore. i've done this too much, i just want it to end. but it never does

[annie-zoldeck]

well you are on the right track by getting help and maybe you need to open up more i mean do you have like a friend that you feel comfortable with?

[Alone4eva]

i did have but not anymore, i really do have no one at the moment

[annie-zoldeck]

well have you tried to make new friends??
and why don't you talk to your old friends anymore???and remember you can't stay alone forever i mean you do need someone to talk to

[Alone4eva]

course i've tried to make friends but everyone hurts me so its hard now, and the old ones the few i had are not talking to me, most of them abused me anyway

[crazykat]

It's hard when you have been hurt in the past to open yourself up by making friends but I also know it is a pretty lonely place if we don't trust anyone. Sometimes we have to take that risk. I am glad they are trying to sort out some supported accommodation for you, it sounds like something that could be of benefit for you. Also I am glad that you are finding writing to be helpful, keep at it. Take care
Kat xxx