for those of you that don't know [now support thread through a difficult time]

[Stellata]

I'm having a very tough week. I feel awful - paranoid, exhausted, cranky.

I am posting all over the place. I'm sorry. Especially as I'm trying to convince myself I don't need help.

I'm so tired.

And I'm so depressed.

And I 'should' be better by now.

But my life is falling down around my ears. My flatmates' marriage is ending. My redundancy letter will come any day now. I've got my 6 monthly reasonable adjustments review meeting next week. Ha ha ha.

I worked so bloody hard to keep my job, even when I have been most unwell, and now I'll lose my job because they changed the goalposts. Can you imagine how shitty and horrible and shameful that feels? How angry I am? How powerless I feel?

I need help through this week. So I don't self destruct, or hurt all those around me. Please.

[whirlpools]

What is 'better'? I think anyone would be struggling incredibly with the things you're going through, and it's especially difficult for you when it has meant so much - something that you worked so hard to achieve.

I'm short on words tonight, and if I'm honest, no, I can't quite imagine how horrible it feels to experience what they have done as I've never been through it myself, but I do hear you, believe you and have total compassion for you.

Keep talking to us.

[Stellata]

Thanks Laura.

This isn't really intended as a support thread - I've already posted too many of those, I know.
This is more of a 'heads up' for people that might not be aware and wonder what's going on if I seem more unwell than usual.

[finding_reason]

Katie, this can be a support thread if you would like; there is no rule stating that you cant post more than once when in need of support and I think your threads are purposeful and communicate what is happening for you in the given moment.

I am sorry that things are feeling so terrible right now. Is there anyway that you can take yourself off the hook a little bit about somethings just to get a break from the negative self statements that are happening, and just allow the emotions and feelings to be?...I know thats a lot harder said than done.

Your flatmate's marriage breakdown - is not your fault nor is it in your control. yes, things will be different in your home environment but you are still you, and yes your flatmate that is staying will be upset and thats a very natural emotion; not something that you have to own.

Whether or not being made redundant (is it 100% for sure its happening?) occurs - again this wasn't anything to do with you. rather like you said in your post that they restructured things, and unfortunately and at their loss have chosen to eliminate the position that you fulfill. My mom was made redundant a couple years ago in a company that she had worked at for years and contributed a lot of hours too, and it didn't matter all that she had given or the person she was, the fact was the restrcture didn't have her position in it. she struggled too with the feeling of loss, and anger (particularly because my step dad works in a diff. role at that company) but it took time and she got through it - I don't mean to diminish your feelings Katie just want to keep in the forefront that in todays economy all over the globe job restructuring is happening and you are not alone in it but its not a personal attack on the person in the slightest.

If I am correct, therapy is resuming this week? I hope that you are able to communicate some of the sadness and other feelings that are coming up for you because they are real and genuine and need to be heard.

What can you do for yourself this week that celebrates who you are? At the end of day all of this doesn't take away the beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate woman that you are inside, yes, it stirs things up from the past, but doesn't make them go away.

stay well my dear. you know where i am.
ash

[Steel Maiden]

Katie, I am sorry that you are going through this. I know little about jobs etc but I just want to say that what those people are doing to you is extremely unfair and I wish I could help you more.

[roiben]

Katie, what is it that makes you think you should be better by now? Is this an impression someone has given you? There is no deadline for our lives. No set marker that we have to be at, take things as they come and as they do, do allow yourself that.

You are going through a rough patch - you have outlined this yourself, and there is nothing wrong with needing help at tough times - If anything, it is part of being human. I know you find that hard to accept at times, but do please allow yourself that little bit of slack right now.

There is no point in bullying yourself into feeling bad for needing help, when you already have enough external pressure to make things feel hard to cope with. It is only going to make you feel worse.

Now I know you put this here as a "flag" of information, rather than an ask for help, but I am offering - What can we do to help you through this? I agree with others, do post as much as you need to - If it helps to put things down in threads, to talk things through, then do that. I wonder if there is anything else, specific that you may need - encouragement, perhaps?

Please, please be gentle with yourself. I worry about you.

Roiben x

[xbeckyx]

Hey hun, I'm gonna text you.

[Stellata]

Thanks. Sorry, I have few words.
Just had therapy and worked through a whole lot of things, and that's a relief.
But I still feel hyper-anxious, there's too much anxious adrenaline racing around.
Everything is making me anxious.
And I have no appetite and I've been awake since 4.30am.

[tifflehan]

(((HUGS)))

[Stellata]

Thanks.

Maybe this should be my only support thread.
Just so scared of getting lost. When I get lost it's like I don't exist. That's one of the reasons I have so many threads. The different parts of my psyche have needed picking up. So I don't lose myself. Please don't punish me for this. I will try and manage it without spreading threads everywhere.

My therapist mentioned re anger in connection with my eczema around my eye. I just did a Google search on eczema and emotional causes and look what I just found -

- emotionally spent

- struck numb by the various events in your life

- putting on an external happy front but really feeling lousy inside

- bottling your emotions and thoughts inside

- no one to share your innermost thoughts with

- under undue stress but having no outlet.

[Source.] (http://hubpages.com/hub/Release-Repressed-Anger-To-Heal-From-Eczema-Symptoms)

What has been happening for me for the past 3 weeks? Exactly that. I had therapy today and hey presto no eczema - the cream I got helped too.

I want to be able to at least reply to my thread in A&B at some point soon. I'm just struggling with words right now.

[whirlpools]

I understand about having lots of threads. I use an online journal site, and I have made literally about 20 different journals over the years for different 'parts' of me. I don't know if it was the 'right' thing to do, or if I was splitting things up too much instead of dealing with the whole picture, but if it helps you, there's no reason not to do it. It's perfectly okay.

I'm glad the eczema seems to have abated with the opportunity to talk in therapy today.

[roiben]

Katie, we are not going to punish you for reaching out. If anything, I think for you it is good to keep reaching out - to put down how you are feeling and how your parts are reacting and to allow yourself to review it and have alternative perspectives provided. Also, to validate and make real what you are feeling and going through.

No one here is going to judge you, or think badly of you. I understand the need to pin things down - I do the same thing. I make myself write down when I am feeling rough, as it means I can not then brush it aside as nothing. The part of me that is hurt has been aired, and can be dealt with in its own time.

I can only hope that by posting, and by talking things through (albeit via on screen text here) you can hold yourself steady enough to get through this.

I believe you can get through it - As impossible as that must feel right now for you. As I can see how strong your many parts are, separately, and as a whole.

*safe cuddles*

Sorry if that made no sense - I am also running on not quite enough sleep.

Be gentle with yourself, and maybe try to get some rest, as much as you can. It sounds like you need that, right now.

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you Roiben.

I've been awake since 4.30 again. I can't think properly, beyond anxious worried ruminations.

[Stellata]

And thank you Laura.

Sorry, I think my mind is breaking. Certainly feels that way. I have gone beyond my stress threshold, and am only just holding in there. You know when you've even gone beyond crying?

My head aches, I still feel jittery and nervous adrenaline filled. There's no escape.

I'll take a zopiclone tonight. I NEED a full night's sleep. Waking up at 4.30 am and not getting back to sleep... sucks. By then my meds have worn off and I feel shitty.

I need someone to hold me together and patch me up.

My heart doesn't feel right. It's racing and jittery.

And we're discovering that my dissociation/personality splitting is even more 'severe' than I thought it was. Maybe my therapist knew already, but it's really becoming clear now. That shakes me up some.

Ashleigh, yes, I will 99.9999% for certain be made redundant. Yes, they're deleting my grade, but due to my limitations the next grade up wasn't feasible for me so I couldn't compete at interview.
The letter's not arrived yet. Still. Everyone at work is very subdued and scratchy.

The situation at home isn't quite how I expected, it's unpredictable, as relationships and emotions are. And that feels a new thing for me. They seem to be taking it better than I am. Meh.

[roiben]

I understand all these feelings, Katie. The high anxiety, the racing heart. They are all things I have experienced at times of high stress and when my anxiety has been bad. All I can suggest is to focus on looking after yourself. Get as much rest as feasible - yes, do take the zopi tonight and maybe consider taking a little time of work if you can - to rest and recoup and catch your breath.

Remember that with the situation at home, this is something they have chosen to do - They are bound to take it better, as they had the option, and the controll that you can not have in this situation. I know that is horrible and hard to take on board, but it does perhaps help to know why you may be feeling worse about it all right now?

Sorry I do not have more, or better words... I am stupidly tired and also thinking I need a zopiclone night of sleep.

I hope you are able to get some rest. I will text you tomorrow.

*cuddles*

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thanks Roiben.
That makes total sense re my flatmates. I hadn't thought of it quite like that. That's really helpful.

Zopi really helped. I woke up again at 4.30 am, but I went back to sleep.

I'm working in the quieter library tomorrow, so much less pressure.

The Letter might arrive today.

[roiben]

Hope being in a quieter place helps. I am glad you got some sleep.

*gentle cuddles*

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you Roiben.

I've been much calmer today, mostly, with occasional spikes of panicky anxiety.

Things are shifting inside. I'm not sure how I feel. I don't feel so desperate today. But I need to keep in contact with people. I kind of panic when I'm on my own.

[roiben]

Keep reaching out on here, and by text.

*cuddles*

Can you use the weekend to focus on rest and calming things?

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thanks Roiben.

Am at work today. But in the quieter place.

[Stellata]

Still no letter.

Was reading re 'burn out' today. It sounds scarily like what I'm going through - that place when you've gone past the intense emotionality and are almost too exhausted to care, when you've been stressed for too long.

Can you be having a breakdown, be so close to one, but just keeping your head above water, only just?

When I went to bed last night, after taking Valerian and mirtazapine, although I knew it was safe, I wasn't concerned if I had died in my sleep from it.

I know my state of mind is concerning, and I am trying to rise above and through it, not sink further. But it's hard sometimes to come up for air.

[roiben]

*cuddles*

I do not have words right now, but I have read and do wish there was more I could do to help.

Keep reaching out here, and IRL, Katie - I think doing that is important for you right now. Especially with such thoughts and feelings.

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you both.

startingagain, it has gone through my mind, yes. But I don't know anywhere to go, and I'm scared I'd be too fragile anyway [experiences of yoga stuff in the past], plus the whole money side. I sound like I'm making excuses, I know. I just..

[finding_reason]

Katie, would a stay in hospital be somthing that you would consider to get that needed rest and respite that you need at the moment? I know in the past you spoke about not wanting too go unless you could see your therapist but in my own experience this was made possible in some capacity, and my therapist was also involved in the team discussions about me. I also found speaking with someone else gave me a different perspective and opportunity to speak about my experience to someone who wasn't aware, as this is very difficult but provides a great learning tool as we also explain and share about ourselves differently.
Something to consider maybe?

How are things going today?

[Stellata]

Thank you both.

I'm not in THAT much crisis. Mostly. Although I could so 'easily' tip over. Like, I'm not too bad at the moment. I don't know. But things crumble so easily. The slightest thing and bam.
Sometimes I think I'm coping well. And I sort of am.
But then there are times when it's not 'coping' it's a fragile front, a defence.
There are times when I cannot handle being around people at all. When I'm so jittery and hyper-vigilant/paranoid. It's a constant undercurrent, but at time it peaks.

I've managed to stabilise my sleep shakily, basically self medicating with herbal medicine. I know I probably need my medication increased. But I'm scared of that. I know I'm supposed to work with the feelings rather than medicate them. But at times the feelings are too much to work with, too disabling.

Just, everything feels/is unsettled.

[startingagain]

I'm glad that things aren't that bad. Take care.

[Stellata]

Thanks.
They are a lot of the time, though.
And I know I am close to 'danger level'.
Maybe things will be better once I get 'The Letter'. But there're rumours things could stay in situ until September.
And I can't apply for anything until it's finalised/approved. And I can't see myself coping with interviews right now anyway.
I do need a rest, and some recovery time. But while the stress is still high I can at best keep things patched up and build myself up as far as I can so I can bear things more safely.
The thing is, with my past I grew to be able to stubbornly push on forwards even when I know it's too much. I had to keep everything looking as if they were together even when things weren't. That's why I had the breakdowns I did in the past, for 2 of them, anyway.
Now I'm more conscious I can bear things better. I am working hard to take good care of myself. It's such a struggle though.

My GP says "Just keep on waiting." [re confirmation of redundancy] But it really is taking it's toll and I don't know if she realises, despite my attempting to explain. It's not so easy as all that.

And I'll be losing my job due to my limitations, and the depression and anger over that is activating even more limitations. That's what we're trying to explore in therapy - ways to express the anger safely. But I don't know how that's even possible. I mean I know the theory, but my anger just feels so pointless. The only healthy way of transforming it is to get myself another job. But it all feels so bloody pointless and I feel so worthless. Like I'm not a real person any more, just like half a person or someone who's not quite alive or something.

[finding_reason]

Im glad that things feel somewhat manageable although at times shakily. I guess sometimes we need a break, respite, even if we are not THAT bad. There is a difference between needing crisis respite and emotional health respite...both of which provide opportunity for clarity, reprieve, growth etc. I also don't think that one needs to hit "rock bottom" to get that sort of respite. I know you know this, I know for myself right now that I have gotten very used to "getting through and surviving" when in fact there might be a need to slow down and stop even if it is just for a moment. There has been a lot of change that has and is happening for you both externally and internally which can make navigating life tricky at times. I guess I raise it as something to be keep on the back burner, to re-enforce the message that you too are important and need to get the utmost support that you deserve and need during this time. (I think about your thread in the A/B and how those feelings can transcend all aspects of life).

With regards to the medication perhaps its a conversation to have with your doctor - no one is saying that you have to up them, but the discussion may provide you with the pros and cons of the increase. I do agree that emotions and feelings need space and airtime but I also think that they sometimes need to be acknowledged and put into perspective. Its easy to let intense emotions swell and swell to a point where they are all you can deal with. I find just sitting with them, knowing they are there is all that I need or can do in the instant - so I am not denying their existence just not giving everything to them either.

Take good care of yourself.

[whirlpools]

I think your anger signifies being very alive. And your anger is totally justified. Does your anger need to be transformed just at the moment? I wonder if right now it needs to be accepted and perhaps released physically as well as through talking. Sometimes we're like pressure-cookers, and the stress builds and builds if there's no way to release it. Talking and validation helps to release it, and so does doing very physical activities in a safe and 'controlled' way, if that makes sense. It's a short-term measure, and the stress will start to built up again, but it might be worth thinking of activities you can do that might release some tension. I think there's a good thread in MH Discussion that offers some suggestions here?

*Many hugs*. I'm proud of you for carrying on, and for thinking about things that you might need from people/might need to do to ease some of the strain. Keep looking after yourself. Maytree is an option, even if it doesn't feel 'right' at the moment, it is there if you need it. Maybe there's a way to build 'mini-respites' into your day where you can have some calm and quiet time?

[Stellata]

Thank you.

Ashleigh, I'm sort of edging just over the 'a rest would be a good idea' to 'it is necessary'. I do have my work adjustments review on Tuesday, so we may be able to figure out something in connection with work. Although if I take time off I might miss something important. [Though right now I don't hugely care about that...]

My focus is on sitting with feelings. I'm able to do that up to a point, in fact can now bear a more intense baseline of feelings. When they get to a certain frequency however, things can feel more unbearable. I know that this is the stress hormones doing their thing. Which is probably why sorting my medication might be a good idea.
I'll definitely talk about meds with my GP. I know she said that if I needed sleeping tablets frequently then we'd seriously look at increasing my mirtazapine dose.

Laura, yes, I'm really at the phase of bearing and accepting the anger. I have such a long list of things I'm angry about, and that's not exhaustive yet either.. It's early days yet, really. I'm learning this whole deeper layer of accepting my feelings.

Urgh. Work tomorrow afternoon. And full on intensity of customers.

[Stellata]

Something's not right in my mind.
It's like yay party I'm losing my mind hurt myself yay wow hooray and my mind is moving too fast and I want to bash my head, scratch my arm up.
But no, I'm not doing that.

[roiben]

Sounds like adrenal exhaustion to me - mind racing and body not quite at the same speed?

I agree with others - This may be the point where you have to take that step back and get some rest. It does sound like you very much need it right now and I am not sure pushing through is the right thing?

Do try to be gentle with yourself. There is no point pushing yourself too far. Nothing will be gained by it. Often, we have to learn to stop before we reach that point. I know how hard that can be to do though, and I also know the effect of not doing so can have.

Roiben x

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thanks Roiben.

I don't know. I'm all sort of agitated and exhausted and manic and depressed [I don't have bipolar, my defence mechanisms are just having a field day].

I probably shouldn't be taking Valerian. But it helps me sleep. And I can't take zopiclone every night.

I sat in the kitchen making random whimpering scream type sounds earlier. But I didn't allow myself to 'lose it' completely. I wanted to hit my head over and over. But I didn't.
I'm outwardly calm but inside I'm not. Maybe I'm not outwardly calm either. I just want to hide and scream and be held but can do none of those.

[roiben]

Would bundling up with a duvet and plushie help? I know it is not quite a real hug, but it may help soothe that need a little?

Maybe speak to your Dr about the Valarian, just in case it is reacting against anything else. I understand not wanting/being able to take zopiclone every night. It is frustrating, and maybe why speaking about the option of increasing the Mirtazapine may be worth thinking about.

Sorry I do not have better words right now. I wish I knew something I could say to make things feel better for you.

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thanks Roiben.

I barely slept last night, even with the Valerian.
I feel utterly awful.
But also kind of numb this morning.

[finding_reason]

Katie - can you spend some time with your emotions/feelings/thoughts in a different way even if it is for a short period of time. Instead of analysing them, naming them in an intellectual way is there a possibility that you can get it out in a creative way? I think without words would be important although it could be a way to start - could you draw, paint whats going on for you -in the morning, for a moment to sit with them in a different. we know they aren't going away - but perhaps offering them a different light would shift things?

also - guided meditation/ relaxation/ grounding stuff can be quite useful when the mind is feeling especially full. It also can provide you with some respite even if it is just for a short time.

take care of yourself.

[Stellata]

I'll try and do some art soon, Ashleigh. Maybe I'll try tomorrow.
I'm just scared to. Weird, I know. Like I'm scared not to take some kind of extra sedative.

I do have some relaxation tracks on my mp3. I just don't use them as much as I 'should'.

Had a good therapy session this morning. Untangled lots of things. I feel more human now.
But there's not much of adult me around right now. I feel ashamed to have that clarified. I need to try and shift the balance. Maybe I am getting more strength to be able to do that. Slowly.

I have my adjustments review meeting at work tomorrow morning. But what can they do NOW? I can't ask for regular confidence boosts, because that's wrong.

[Stellata]

The Letter is due by the end of the week.
I was told that today, in my meeting. By Saturday I will know for sure.

"This can't be real, can it?"
Except it is.
I wish it wasn't.
I don't want to leave.

[Stellata]

My shoulders are so tensed up. My legs ache. I have a headache, following a migraine aura kind of experience earlier.

I need a hug, please.

[whirlpools]

*Delivers many safe, warm hugs*.

[Stellata]

Thanks Laura.

I feel somewhat dazed. Slept well-ish last night. Starting to feel safe again. And yet.. later today/tomorrow/Saturday... when the letter comes.

[finding_reason]

Hi katie,

hope this finds you still feeling somewhat safe. I can only imagine how daunting getting the letter is for you, but am wondering if you are 99.9% sure of what the outcome is of the letter, like you said previously is there a need to put so much time and energy into something that you are already know and are processing emotionally? i completely understand the act of getting something in written but what is going to change? would your energy not be better utilised accepting, and acknowledging the feelings that are result of it and practicing some self care techniques to support yourself.

sorry i don't mean to sound harsh or overbearing - im not in the greatest of spaces, but was struck with just how much power you are giving this letter when in fact you have ALREADY been struggling with the reality....

i might be off, and if i am i apologise. i just hear your heartache and hope for you that you can begin to allow the healing process to begin. things will be okay regardless of what the letter says if you want them to be.

stay well

[roiben]

*sits with Katie and offers cuddles and plushies*

I do not really have words right now (having a tough day) but am thinking of you, and wishing I knew of some better, magicall words that would make this easier on you.

I think Finding Reason does make a valid point - In that maybe, since you know the letter is due to arrive, you need to begin to work on processing the information, and on working on your next steps.

That, and being as gentle as you can with yourself. Although I know that is not always easy, or straight-forward.

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you both.

Yes, that's what I am trying to focus on, it's something my therapist has pointed out, too.
Just, everything is all up in the air, or feels it, because of rumblings about all sorts in the local press.