I can't deal with this

[one_step_closer]

I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. No one told me though, I found out by requesting a copy of my medical records. In January of this year my psychologist put forward the idea and I was diagnosed in June after repeated visits to A&E with overdoses. Today I was with my psychologist and he let me see the latest letter that my new psychiatrist had written to him and the first thing it said was diagnosis: borderline personality disorder. I just feel like I can't accept it or cope with it. It seems like a life sentence to me and something that I will never be able to manage effectively. I know it doesn't change my experiences and how I am feeling, but I thought this inner turmoil was due to depression and anxiety and had come to accept that.

My psychologist says that it changes with time and I might feel really well in my 40s. What about now? I want to feel well now. I am 23 and he also says that it flares up in your 20s. I can't cope with these feelings for another 7 years. I feel a hurricane of emotions all set to the highest level possible. I feel like self harming or overdosing almost constantly. I am continually suicidal to some degree. I can't make or keep friends for fear of them abandoning me and due to my lack of social skills. My friend fell out with me a couple of months ago and since then I have been chasing her around trying to get her to talk to me because I cannot let her abandon me. I have no other friends.

I don't know when to reach out for help so I wait until things have become unbearable so the voluntary crisis team are getting a little fed up with me phoning when I am 'on the edge.' I had to have a meeting with them so that they can help me to stop doing this but it feels like I am constantly on the edge. I have been called attention seeking because of my efforts to be cared for and not to be abandoned. It's in my medical records. Now everyone who looks at them will think that I am manipulative, well, my records say that I am manipulative also.

When I attend A&E due to self harming or overdosing I am no longer getting the proper care because people are sick of me repeatedly coming to A&E. When they discharge me, feelings of abandonment come up again. I am no longer allowed to be admitted to a psych ward because it makes me feel worse when I am discharged due to the feelings of abandonment.

I've been described as a complex case and vulnerable with poor day to day functioning by my psychiatrist.

I'm so emotionally exhausted.

[Rhuben]

I'm not sure what to say.

It must very frustrating having this all just heaped onto you. I do feel that it is rather rude that they have failed to directly tell what it is you are diagnosed with.

I have the same problem with the people I see, I found out from a psychiatrist I don't normally see. He told me I have been formally diagnosed with schizophrenia. My cpn however continues to just say psychosis, it annoys me when they treat me like I'm stupid. I imagine the same is maybe true for you?

I don't think it's right that you no longer receive adequate care from the A&E. It's terrible if that's the way they are.

[Stellata]

Borderline, the way I see it, is a specific kind of depression and anxiety. It can come from what a wise therapy-tutor once explained as 'relational trauma'.

[one_step_closer]

I feel so isolated and alienated. Like I am not a human because I can't seem to have 'normal' relationships. I have no idea how I have managed to keep my brother on my side.

[Stellata]

I understand how painful a state of mind that is.

[what_the?]

I understand completely. I wasn't told by my psych, and then when I eventually asked I was given the response "oh, it's just your personality".
I didn't cope well with it, and still struggle with it today.

You have to try and see it as a mere label. Your struggles are the same, and should continue to be treated in the most appropriate way. It's just a name for what you are feeling.

I know that it may seem a long time, but there are therapies and groups and things that can help. They are available, you just need to fight for them, which may be tough, but it's totally worth it.

I'm sorry I'm not being more constructive, and that empathy probably isn't that helpful, over the internet, but you can do this, it will be fine.

If you need anything, please feel free to PM me.

[Adril]

You shouldnt let yourself think that just because you've been admited to A&E before because of your problems doesnt give you the right to deserve the same kind of treatment anyone else would get in the same shoes. You deserve the same support and understanding as everyone else no matter how many times it gets that bad, you cant help it, dont blaime yourself.

Im sending a very big hug right now.

[Spoons]

i also received this diagnosis and i hated it, i refused to believe that that was me. But it is not a life sentence, i have gone through dbt, managed to complete my degree, i am coping alot better, all my 'bad' behaviours such as self harm, and painkillers has pretty much stopped.
this doesnt define you, you have been diagnosed as you fit the criteria, you can work on your issues, behaviours whatever and then no longer fit the criteria.

[comaxXxwhite]

I was diagnosed with BPD a year ago and I understand how scary it is :[ but really...it's a lot like having depression and anxiety, so you're not that far off.
I'm not sure what to really tell you... just try to hang on. PM me if you need anything.
[ps. i love your lp theme!!]

[one_step_closer]

I'm finding it really hard to cope with the intense emotions and fears of abandonment. I can't find any self soothing techniques that work for me. I'm working through The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook but it isn't really helping. Maybe I need my psychologist to help me through it but he wants to work on my social anxiety right now and i'm not sure if he knows much about DBT.

[redhead22]

i was trying to do the dialectical behavioral workbook myself with my therapist I don't know what happened exactly because we just kinda stopped doing it. Just hang in there and don't give up. Maybe ask if you can spend even part of the time maybe doing something to help you deal what you go through everyday. best wishes.