close to/moving through breakdown state [updated regularly]

[Stellata]

I think my brain is imploding/exploding.
I seem to be on the edge of a breakdown. And I'm not sure how much to allow it or how much to suppress it. Or even if suppression is possible.
I'm becoming conscious, fully conscious, of feelings that I've been aware of for some time, but more distanced from. Now they're screaming in my face and it's impossible to avoid them.

It's all to do with attachment stuff, therapy relationship stuff. My ability to relate and to accept myself and feel safe in my skin with intense feelings stuff. Primitive feelings of the 'typical' 'borderline' type, need, anger, jealousy, shame, rage, feelings/fears of abandonment. BPD criterion 1 with flashing lights and screaming bells.

I.. do indeed have some [a good deal of] insight but it's precarious.
When the rage comes in I am out of control and raging and yelling out loud, denigrating myself, and considering acting on suicidal feelings, and hurting myself.
Then I cry.
And I'm so angry today. I 'know' anger, but this is something else. It isn't as short lived as most other times I've experienced anger.

This afternoon I read an article on how trauma can make you stronger, and that the human psyche is resilient. I was laughing-crying, crying, about how ridiculous that is for me.
It feels like my brain is breaking. [Although I know that my degree of self awareness tells me it isn't. But it feels like it is.]

I just.. need compassionate witness. Perspective. A shoulder to lean on and cry on. Acceptance. Comfort. [Here I go, crying again.] Please?

[PassedExpectations]

not sure what would help, but i'll be thinking about you *giant hug*

[Kitkat :)]

I'm thinking of you too, and I'm sorry to hear you feel this way ):

[Greyscale]

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

[hidingme]

not too sure what to say to help ya hon weve had massive changes inside going on and dont know what or if its good or bad and hiding is freakin out..

anyhow here for ya if you need to talk pm anytime ok?
SADIE

[Stellata]

Thank you.
I feel slightly calmer this morning.
But I'm scared of how I'll be in therapy.

[bleeding black]

Hey Katie,

Glad you are feeling even a little bit better.
I don't think your insight is precarious, i think your connection to the aspect of yourself that has the insight is sometimes harder to reach.

I suppose trauma could make you stronger, perhaps after a LOT of healing, but like you experience, it most often leaves you raw, confused and hurting. The human psyche is resilient, your psyche is resilient. You've made it this far, and no matter what state you are in now, you still made it.

The great thing about therapy is you don't need to be anything, you don't have to put on a brave face, or hold in your emotions or remain calm, therapy is one of the few places you can let it all out, forget the facade and just be.
We hope you find the session helpful

We are here, witnessing, accepting and trying to comfort and support.
Thinking of you Katie (and Trini and Katrina)

lostboys

[makedamnsure]

Is there a healthy way you can let some of the feelings out?

The anger in particular?

screaming or punching a pillow perhaps.

Suppressing your feelings because you fear you will breakdown only ends up with you putting more pressure on yourself.

My mum used to say people are like pressure cookers and if we don't let the steam out gradually eventually it will blow the top off.

Perhaps your brain is feeling the stress of trying to hold in too many feelings. Letting the feelings out safely, one at a time, might help.

I hope therapy went ok.

[Stellata]

Thank you. :)

Therapy was very therapeutic.

lostboys, you're right about my connection to insightful self is sometimes harder to reach.

I'm so tired right now.
I stayed at work all afternoon, although I really did need to be resting. Which my managers say too. I only need to go in in the morning tomorrow anyway, as I'd already got the afternoon off. So I've said I'll see how I go. I also am off on Wednesday this week anyway. I said I'd let them know by Wednesday if I can make my Thursday afternoon hours.

mds, I'll talk re the anger more over the next few sessions or so. I think it totally peaked yesterday, and because I'd been sedating myself more at night, feelings had backed up and were screaming through.

*crawls into circle of safe containment*

[roiben]

*wraps arms around gently*

I do not have words right now, I can feel your pain though and understand a little, how it can feel.

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you Roiben. That people understand helps so much.

[Stellata]

I feel so low this morning. And tired still. I also feel a bit nauseous. It's an effort to stay with myself. My eyes feel sore and heavy. My head feels raw, like my scalp feels raw. Weird.

[hidingme]

hi katee.. sori but wes is felin littl mixd up rite now..its middl nitetims heer rite now.

we hops you wils feels bettr toda.
we cars lots an lots bouts you an trini an katrina.. we fels tat we lots lik. cause trini liks me bes, katrina bes lik Sadie an you liks Hiding hehe kinna neeto .=)
pees tell trini hihi for me an givs her good saf frends hugs from me k?
tank you
Sarah * wif Hidin an Sadie to*

[Stellata]

Thank you Sarah, Hiding and Sadie.

I made it through all of work this morning. And I did some shopping this afternoon, and am resting now.

[Stellata]

My thoughts are running around too fast. I'm in a kind of chronic state of panic/hyper-alert. At times I can hold and soothe this. Right now it is more of a challenge.
I ate properly today, which is a real step forward, though.

[roiben]

I am glad you have managed to eat properly today. I hope doing so has helped you, even if just a little.

You have said you are resting - do you have any time of work to get more rest, maybe have an earlier night to sleep more. I find when I am struggling I get tired quicker as it is an effort to keep going and to fight my own inner thoughts and urges. Sometimes when recognising that it can help to ensure we can rest more to balance it out.

*gentle safe hugs*
Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thanks Roiben.
I had this afternoon off, and also tomorrow morning. [I don't work Wednesday afternoon.] My manager said today that they're on standby and expecting that I might not be able to make it in for my Thursday afternoon hours - which would be at the more busy and demanding library. I'll see. I try not to go to bed that early, as then I wake up too early and don't get back to sleep.

[Isoverity]

I think my brain is imploding/exploding.
I seem to be on the edge of a breakdown. And I'm not sure how much to allow it or how much to suppress it. Or even if suppression is possible.
I'm becoming conscious, fully conscious, of feelings that I've been aware of for some time, but more distanced from. Now they're screaming in my face and it's impossible to avoid them.
[Here I go, crying again.] Please?

It's good when suppressed stuff comes up. They actually want to burn off and go away - which they will if you don't overreact and struggle with them. You don't want to be "for or against" the things that come up. If you see rage and anger then just see them without trying to fix it and without falling into it. Don't analyze the situation too much either because if you try to digest it all with all the jargon and labels you'll get tangles up in the process instead of being an observer outside the process. Healing is natural and occurs best when people get their bad habits and will out of the way

[Stellata]

Thanks Jack.
The whole mindfulness, compassion, acceptance thing is what we're working on with therapy. I tried to do that with this anxious/panic-anger state last night, it's hard though, and something I need to keep 'practicing'.

I feel so jittery still this morning. I'm off work, and did sleep in a bit. But my body can't relax if my mind can't relax. I want to relax, but I'm so.. split still.
One thing that was stirring things up eases off, and '1001' things come in to take it's place. Which does emphasise to me that the core of the difficulty is for the most part in my own insecurities and vulnerabilities. It's just so.. difficult.

[Stellata]

"I can't cope". [Or, I feel I can't. Or part of me feels I can't.]

I have way too much nervous energy. Yet I'm utterly exhausted.
I keep breaking out in tears. Tears from a very very young and despairingly longing part of me. The crying and loud sobbing eases some of the pressure in my chest. But my heart rate is still way too fast.
I have therapy this afternoon.
It all hurts 'too much'.
I don't know about making work tomorrow afternoon. I'm not really in a 'fit state', but being alone seems to make me lose touch with present reality and feel even more terrified and alone. I don't know what to do.

[finding_reason]

Katie, sorry to hear that things are still quite difficult for you. I think it's important though that you acknowledge to yourself that you are still coping despite it being hard, you are still here, so there is something in you fighting to keep living, and I think that is very important, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

I don't think that there is necessarily something to do, rather I think that this could be the time that your practice your patience and mindfulness skills and allow your feelings and emotions to just be what they are without judgement of their existence. Mindfulness can be a very powerful practice if you keep at it, and I have seen it really help people who are struggling, I know for myself when I am very low and depressed its a lot harder for me to practice it wholeheartedly but essentially its what you need to do.

Can you be gentle with yourself when the tears or any other intense emotions comes up, and just allow it to be there? "I am feeling _____right now, and I know that is because of ______ just name it, no details....so I know this is from the work I have been doing in therapy about feeling hurt. I am only feeling the emotion right now, and while is very strong the experience(s) that it developed in are not happening right now. I am safe and am allowing myself to just let the emotion have its airtime without judgement. I will continue to breathe - or any other grounding techniques that you use".

I am sure that you know this, but feelings have a plateau point but its hard to get there and feel it because as humans we fight against feeling out of control and incredibly overwhelmed, but theory says that if we provide ourselves with a safe opportunity to just feel our feelings will begin to settle again.

take care of yourself Katie.

[roiben]

*leaves cuddles in thread for Katie*

how are things today?

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you both.
I had therapy this afternoon, and that really helped. She understands that I have a war going on inside of me. We talked a lot about Heart. She's encouraging me to be with my feelings. I'm so tired. And so sad.

I've emailed my manager to ask to leave 2 hours early tomorrow. But I feel bad about that, from her response, even though she said it should be ok. *sigh*

So many very early childhood feelings are active, areas of my psyche that didn't get to develop properly due to.. everything, and which are fully re-awakened for conscious facing.

My eyes hurt.

[Stellata]

I don't feel well now.
Having trouble eating solid food again.
Weird energy feeling on the top of my head.
My legs don't feel connected to my body. I feel dizzy.
I feel really tired, yet all this energy is coursing through me.
I know it's anxiety from facing very very early childhood feeling states. But that doesn't 'fix' it. I know also the thing is not to fix it! But it feels so uncomfortable and I feel so ... not good.
I ache so much to be held and comforted.

[makedamnsure]

Oh Katie, I wish I knew what to say.

I think everyone wishes there are some magic words to fix these feelings. Wave a wand and "Abracadabra" and they are gone.

Unfortunately you know, and I know, that it doesn't work like that.
Try and eat something. If you struggle with solid food have a smoothie or something nutritous like that. The tiredness and dizziness are made worse by not eating.

It is uncomfortable, but you have to sit tight and you will get through it. Look after yourself, nurture yourself (hot chocolate and a bubble bath helps me).

Honestly Katie, if I could take all your pain, and carry it, even for just a few minutes I would. Because you have lived with it for so long and you deserve a rest.

[roiben]

*gentle cuddles*

Do try to keep your sugars up, Katie. Even if just by sipping on a sugary drink or some fruit juice.

It sounds like you need a rest at the moment. Can you curl up with a book or some music? You do not need to sleep, just rest and relax as much as you can.

Sorry I do not have better words right now.

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thanks you both. Your replies mean a lot. I'm going to go to bed very soon.

I did sort of eat some dinner. Not enough really, but I did my best. Liquids go down no problem. Guess it's because of the very early developmental nature of the feelings.
It's like there's a constant electric current with attached troublesome feelings running through my brain - anger, rage, jealousy, terror, panic, worry, sadness. I'm doing my best with it all, being with it. It's so tiring though.

[Stellata]

Did some really deep and important work in therapy this morning.

I feel so tired. And delicate.

I stayed the 3 hours at work this afternoon. I kind of over-estimated my stamina and it was quite a struggle, with moments of feeling disorientated and nauseous. I'm home now, and have eaten a proper dinner. I see my GP in the morning.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Sounds like a really good day for you hun. Well done for managing it.
xxx

[Stellata]

Thank you. :)

[PassedExpectations]

good job! i hope youre ok

*hugs*

[Stellata]

Thanks.
I would normally work 5 hours on a Thursday afternoon.
My manager was wondering if I'd be ok for work on Saturday. 'Of course'. [with naps each break....]
I'm more stable than a week ago, but delicate and emotional. And that's ok. It still needs tender care.

[Kitkat :)]

Glad to hear you're feeling better and more stable (:

Take gentle care of yourself, and hope you feel better soon.

Well done for going to therapy, that's great to hear (:

[Stellata]

I saw my GP this morning.
As usual, she was great.
Just, that's she's super excited that I'm at last properly working in therapy with my separation anxiety issues feels.... urrhhhh. What I mean is, it touches on the deep shame I have within me of my needs and feelings from early childhood and how they're still active. I'm also learning in therapy that there is no need for shame, and that it's good to feel it and let it go in tears. I feel so sad...

[xbeckyx]

Big hugs Katie, why do you feel sad? Because of what therapy is bringing up?
I'm glad your dr was good and that you are starting to be more open in therapy.

[Stellata]

Thanks Becky.

Yes, sad because of what I'm touching on in therapy.
Sad because of feeling ashamed of my needs, and the early developmental stages it all originates in.
Sad because I have shut people out for so long.

[xbeckyx]

Hugs, it sounds like a lot to cope with and I admire you for working so hard in therapy.
You don't need to feel ashamed about anything Katie, everyone has needs.
Maybe you can start to try and let people in now?

[Stellata]

I know ... I'm learning.. And feeling all the sadness.
Sometimes it's hard, when the anxiety peaks and then anger floods in.

My flatmates are having a really deep conversation in the next room. Can't go into details, but it's.. touching raw spots.

I'm feeling really lonely right now.

Letting people in... I can take it in small steps. And am doing so.
There's so much sadness in me.

[Stellata]

Lots of sadness still. Raw hearted.

I feel rather low.

And I'm NOT going to be ashamed of being sensitive. I'm not.

[Keyboard Warrior]

I hope that you don't feel ashamed, beecause you have no need to be. I hope that in time you can come to forgive me for what I wrote in F&CQ, it was poorly worded and I was struggling. I can delete this reply if it upsets you to have it here - but I'd like you to know I think you're one of the strongest people I know, and you are doing so well. Take care of you, I'm thinking about you. <3

[Stellata]

No, it's ok, Chels, and thanks for responding to me, it means a lot.
And thanks. *blush* I see myself as 'fragile yet strong'.

I want to say more, but can't think how best to word it yet.

[Stellata]

I 'bet' borderline, or some kind of personality disorder is on my medical records, and they're not telling me.
My therapist has pretty much affirmed that I do have 'borderline' stuff going on, but says that labelling it isn't helpful. I agree. Just. If it is in my medical records... I ... [My therapist has no influence over my medical records.]
GP said on Friday that my separation anxiety has got worse over the past 2 years. Well, it's because I'm un-numbing, and starting to trust and relate and all. I've had separation anxiety all my life - with my birth and early experience, who wouldn't - it just shows up in different ways at different times.

Compassion. Keep the focus on compassion.

[Keyboard Warrior]

Sometimes it's more helpful to not have a label, because you are less... pre-judged? People seem to have an immediate preconcieved idea if you say "I have BPD", but there is more compassion when you say "I am experience such-and-such due to trauma in my life". The two are often the same, at least it seems to be in my case, but I'd much rather be treated compassionately by my team than be called BPD.

Does having a definite diagnosis feel important to you? It felt really important to me at one time.

Definitely keep the focus on compassion. Some of the most wonderful healing moments I experienced during psychodynamic psychotherapy was learning to sit with my various thoughts and feelings and "parts" of myself. I had no anger toward myself, just curiousity and kindness.

Sorry if I ramble on about me too much, I kinda turn a bit therapist like sometimes o.O

[startingagain]

Ask to see your records if you want to know for definite. I was never told.

[Stellata]

Chels, I agree with you.
And I know I've posted similar concerns about myself countless times.

Startingagain, I do trust my GP. I don't believe she would lie to me. But maybe something's unsaid?

I want to say something more detailed, but my thoughts aren't coalescing right now. I'm feeling sad, and awash with floods of feeling shame from time to time. Sort of a retreat into myself.
Last Sunday I 'lost it' nearly completely. I'm scared of that happening again today, even though I'm calmer and more in control of myself today.

[startingagain]

You obviously have some doubts and they are playing on your mind that maybe they haven't told you something. At the end of the day it is your decision though. One step closers thread put me off a full request.

[Stellata]

Yep, that stirred up a whole bunch of anxieties in me, too.

Uh. I slept all afternoon. I didn't realise I was so tired. I had a good night's sleep too. Sleeping was so cosy and content. Waking up is a wrench, raw, re-awakens the desolation and rage a little. My head and eyes feel so foggy and heavy and sinking.

[roiben]

I understand the feeling of not wanting to get up after a good sleep - especially when it is a rare moments peace.

Thinking of you, Katie. Wish I had better words right now.

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you Roiben.

[roiben]

How are you today, Katie?

*sits with*

[Stellata]

Thanks. :)

Aware of where my mind is falling through the rifts. So, even though I cannot control this, I'm more aware. It's like I'm watching a movie of part of my mind in a quiet breakdown state. Winnicott said that "the breakdown feared already happened". In my case, when I was a premature newborn in hospital separated from my mother, and traumatised from the near death that was saved by forceps intervention. Typing that... I realise how traumatic that must have been. Well, my body and psyche know that already.. just my conscious mind has a challenge fulling accepting and grasping it because of the depth of pain.
Tired, but working sitting down all day helps.

[Stellata]

What do I do if it's like last night, and I can't sleep because I'm hyper-ventilating?

[PassedExpectations]

music helps me, the calming sort though, not anything that makes me more anxious....

also, even though its really difficult to to, if its like a panic attack, the fastest way to get it to end is to just sorta let it happen and observe it. what i've been told to do is pretend that i'm a researcher watching what reaction i have and noting whats happening without getting sucked into the feelings. i'm not really great at this yet, but when i do get it right it does work. focusing on breathing also helps me as well. trying to fill my belly all the way and then let it deflate

[Pomegranate]

I'm hoping you are managing to sleep right now.

What do you do/think about outside or work and your therapy sessions? I just wonder because you seem to analyse almost all of your actions and thoughts and sometimes I think that can be more detrimental than helpful. I know that may sound blunt, or maybe even like I am not trying to understand but I can't help wondering. What do you have, or aim for, in your life that is not to do with your psychological difficulties or work?

[Stellata]

I just want to be a real human being, to feel real.

[hidingme]

go to therapy and tell them about everything.. hopefully thay can help you fell a bit better or at least help you handle it all a bit better. if you can make it to work tomorrow and need a day off to relax and recover than do what you need to do ok? just try not to stress and worry so much hon..(boy i need to t ake my own advice sometimes haha)
here if you need me/us.
thinking of you. feel free to msg/pm me/us anytime ok?
*hugs*
Hiding

[finding_reason]

Katie, what does a being a real human look like to you? what does being real feel like? is there any aspect of either or both of those that you could slowly but surely start integrating into your life? I think to be honest you are being especially real with yourself doing all of this difficult, intense therapeutic work - you can't do that by any stretch in a fake way.

be gentle with yourself, i really do understand where you are in the moment, i too in similar place. the thing that helps me is saying just moment by moment, and allowing feelings to just be. you have and are surviving this, even if it doesn't feel that way all the time.

be well.

[Stellata]

Thank you.

I'm off work today and tomorrow. I want to be at work, there's no structure at home and I feel lonely and bored and lost. But I need the rest.

I know I need more in my life. But I don't feel strong enough. I am too fragile right now. And I struggle socially still, though it's getting better with people I know. It's frustrating and lonely and horrible. But until I'm a 'better person' what else can I do?

I feel so tearful and shut out and sad.

[finding_reason]

i don't think its about being a better person katie, afterall you are a wonderful human being. i know that you said before that you would want a cat, si there any possibility of volunteering at an animal shelter somewhere, i know i am doing that right now, and it helps heaps. sorry i don't have much else ot say ta the moment, no okay myself but. take care

[Stellata]

Thanks Ashleigh.

My GP said that animal work wouldn't be social enough for what I need.
And anyway, there are many more people who need voluntary work more than me. Really ill people, and people who don't have jobs.

I have a job. At the moment. Rumours are circulating again of places being shut. But it seems just media rumour. Again. But what do I know?

Sorry. Just feeling really low. And am having trouble with self criticism along with anguished inner needy cries of my very young self state.

[roiben]

What is that side of yourself criticising right now, Katie? What would you say if someone else on RYL was saying those things about themselves?

Is having time to rest helping, or are you beating yourself up over needing it at all? (I ask, as I know I am prone to doing this).

Do try to remember that it is natural for the body to reflect the emotions inside. That it is normal to need rest, especially when processing complex emotions - there is nothing wrong with it. I am glad your managers themselves have said this to you.

You are a fantastic human being, Katie... I do not think the thing you need to work upon is 'becoming' a real human being... more 'realising' and 'accepting' that you already are.

*safe hugs*

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you Roiben.

Yep, self critical part has got stirred up. Through what my colleague said, and Pomegranate's question touching a really raw spot. I'm feeling more tenderness now from just having had today's therapy session.

I know I'm lonely. I don't want to be. Yet how do I get out of that prison?

[Stellata]

I'm really vulnerable right now.
Can someone 'sit with me' please?
Weekends are hard.

[Stellata]

Anyone?
Please?

[one_step_closer]

I'm here Katie. PM me if you like.

[Stellata]

Thank you.
Sorry not up to pm'ing. Too raw. But thanks for the thought.

[one_step_closer]

I'm still here with you. I'll be keeping an eye on your thread.

[Stellata]

Thank you.
I feel so fragile and breakable.

[one_step_closer]

Wrap yourself in bubble wrap. :-)

[Kitkat :)]

Sorry I only just saw this, I'll sit with you if you like, and I'll watch your thread too

*offers hugs*

I agree with One Step Closer about the bubble wrap idea (:

[Stellata]

Thanks.

Am going to go to bed and wrap myself in blankets. Bubble wrap is static-y. ;) [I know that from work!]

Uh.
Well, I made it through today.
Just the rest of the weekend to go now.

[Kitkat :)]

Well, well done for making it through today.

Just take each day as it comes, don't try to rush yourself.

Take care.

[startingagain]

I disagree with the GP. Animal work would be sociable as there will be other people around to talk to. Just stroking and caring for an animal will make you feel better. That's why they have pets for therapy. If you like dogs volunteer to be a dog walker. You will meet loads of people and you can chat if you want to. If you like cats go help out at a rescue. They'd love to have someone.

[Stellata]

Thanks.
I.. don't know. Right now I'm having a hard time seeing anyone accept me. This happens when I crawl into a corner in my mind when I feel in any way unsafe. It takes some navigating and managing. My confidence is so easily knocked. I'm working on building it up though.

I felt ok through the night and when I first got up, but now I'm feeling insecure and everything again.

[Stellata]

Our landline phone wasn't working for a while this morning. Turns out it was still re-charging, and it's fine now. But it still sent me into a panic mode, of feeling cut off etc.

Flipped out at a man in Tescos who was standing too close to me and then tried to move my stuff down for me, when I was peeved at having to move it all - the belt wasn't working. Katrina-me gave him a piece of her mind. *ashamed* I stood there shaking as I packed my stuff. Checkout guy to do him credit just carried on calmly and treated me respectfully. Security guard nearby spoke to the man who'd upset me. I don't know what he said. Scared they were going to section me or punish me. But they just left me in peace.
Trying not to 'beat myself up' for the whole thing.
I'd barely been out - only to therapy - since Tuesday afternoon, so I guess that didn't help.

It's hard when I feel so sleepy and strung out, and my eyes feel all heavy and blurry. It's hard to perceive and judge distance. I guess this is a part of the separation anxiety stuff, too.

I'm home now until work tomorrow morning. My flatmate was going to Ikea with her son and asked me along. If I'd been feeling stronger I would have done. Just. Ikea queues are not great when you're feeling fragile. Any queues, but trollies full of sharp, pokey, large and can hurt me things [don't laugh] freak me out at the best of times.

[Stellata]

I'm so tired. All I did was walk 45 minutes to Tesco, do my shopping and get the bus home.

[Stellata]

I'd feel greedy for starting a new thread. But talking only to myself here feels exposing and uncomfortable. I don't want to be/feel totally alone with all the feelings. It's hard.

I am back at work today. I'm partly looking forward to being busy. But I feel wobbly still, and quite intensely so since yesterday evening again. My mind keeps doing anxious double flips on me with all kinds of anxieties/worries.

[whirlpools]

I'm here and I'm listening, Katie. Won't be around the internet too much today but should be back to usual form tomorrow. Sending you warm thoughts.

[Stellata]

Thanks Laura.

Well, I made it through the whole day at work.

I am tired now though.

I feel so raw and empty inside.

[Kitkat :)]

Sorry to hear you're struggling Katie, take care. I'll pop onto this thread as often as I can (:

[Stellata]

Thanks.
Feeling sort of wobbly again.
And sleepy-tired. But I am holding out for sleep until I go to bed.

[Stellata]

I feel so uninteresting and worthless.

Seems like I push people away even when I'm not trying to. Here on RYL too.
No wonder I attach so deeply to the people that stick with me. But that attachment hurts. Because I'm a separate person.

[Stellata]

I'm sorry I can't be perfect or interesting enough.
And I'm 'too sensitive' to post here any more.
Oh well.

[whirlpools]

Hi Katie. Who said you are 'too sensitive'?
I worry about not being interesting enough too. But people are attracted to different qualities in a person - not everyone's the same.
Thinking of you.

[Stellata]

Seems like Agnus Castus isn't helping, even now I'm on a higher dose. I'm hormonal, and am still a snarky snicky hostile person. Sorry. I'm doing my best against the onslaught of early babyhood developmental state feeling and adult female hormones.

[Stellata]

Hi Laura. Thank you for replying. :) No one has said it to my face, although it's kind of a general culture on RYL at the moment. But I couldn't sensitively handle feedback on another thread I made, which I have now deleted. If I can't handle feedback, I shouldn't post. People aren't to know how vulnerable I actually am. And I'm not making it up that I'm vulnerable, my therapist has said how I am vulnerable right now.
And I'm supposed to be strong. I'm 40.
And people might doubt I'm even in breakdown state. But I am. I may be going to work - as much as I can, at least - but I am still holding fragments screaming and sadness flooding and anger raging and anxiety shaking all inside.

[whirlpools]

I understand and certainly don't doubt that you're in a breakdown place, and trying hard to work through it, leaving you drained and particularly sensitive to perceived attacks.
It's okay to feel like this at any age.
I'm not sure what the feedback was on your other post, but perhaps whilst you are feeling so vulnerable you could request particular types of comments on your threads until you feel more able to accept challenging?

[startingagain]

I read the one that was deleted (if the one about getting out of someone's way) and personally felt they offered good advice.

I think it is important to say whether you (or anyone) is posting because you want 'hugs' or if you want ideas on how to overcome a situation. Different people see different solutions and it can be really helpful to listen to what people think. Just a thought.

[Keyboard Warrior]

Still reading and thinking of you Katie. Sending gentle, soothing thoughts. I don't have the words really to express how much I understand, but I have been in that vulnerable, sensitive state before.

[Stellata]

Thank you.

I just want to go hide someplace. But it's not really safe in my head either.

[whirlpools]

Could you make a new safe place to go for a little while, in your head? Even if you only spend five minutes there.

[roiben]

Katie, there is no such thing as prefection - except in imperfections.

You do not have to be strong, at any age, especially not when struggling. I am sorry you still are.

*hugs* are you feeling any more rested having had the weekend?

Roiben x

[Kitkat :)]

I agree with Roiben.

I'm sorry to hear that you're still feeling this way.

*hugs*

[Stellata]

Thanks.

I have a multitude of various imaginal safe places in my head. I vary which ones I 'go to' depending on my state of mind. So far though I can only go to them at night, just before I go to sleep. Which is probably the best way. I've also uploaded an 'after trauma' hypnosis type CD onto my mp3 player, which helps at bed time too. It's during the day I feel rough, especially when I wake up, or when I feel alone.

I'm sort of more rested now, but I am still pushing against deep tiredness, and those waves of angry anxious neediness that torture me so.
Having the paranoia which PMDD symptoms exacerbate doesn't help matters.

I've got tomorrow off work, and am meeting my parents for lunch and shopping. I just wish my parents were younger, and mum more fully energetic/mobile, so I could more fully enjoy shopping with them.

It's going to be tough for a while, at least until the mid October therapy 'break' is through. Just realised earlier that it starts the end of next week. I'm scared. Time is moving too fast. Then it'll probably go slow just when I want it to go faster.
Each therapy session helps re-stabilise me and supports me in gaining more understanding and containment etc. Each time some loose ends in my emotional wiring are put in place. It makes me feel/be safer. So for the time when I won't have that. I'm scared.

[risenfromperdition]

hmm i dunno if this is a dumb idea but during the therapy break could you try and visualise what you think your therapist would say to you if you're struggling? if that makes any sense :/ sorry if it doesnt

*sits with*
thinking of you.

oh and roiben's right, theres no 'age limit' to feeling sensitive, especially if you werent really allowed to let sensitivity etc show when you were younger <3

[Stellata]

Thank you Heather.
That does make sense, thanks. :)

I feel so sad and low this morning.

[roiben]

*sits with Katie and offers cookies*

Roiben x

[Stellata]

Thank you.

Am feeling really raw and fragile. Realised earlier how I feel so vulnerable and exposed and fragile and anxious and unprotected and alone, it's like when a baby's umbilical cord is cut, like it was with me, couldn't breathe, yanked out with forceps, cord cut, and then whisked away to incubator with mum not even touching me. So not just the one separation of the cord cut, but it was also a physical separation from my mother. Double the grief, when I was too tiny to 'process' it. I wasn't even at full term gestational age, I shouldn't have even have been born at that point, and there I was, apart from my mother. Hence my deep separation anxiety issues.
I know it all sounds very intellectual, but it is a totally visceral experience. Everything is too loud and too bright and too intrusive. How do I live with this? The best I can, I guess, and consciousness is part way to gentle containment.
Just got back an hour or so ago from Westfield, where I'd met my parents. Came home and flatmate had a guest round. Too noisy. Curled up under my blanket and cried.
I just have to bear through this, it's the best I can do.

[risenfromperdition]

*sits with* how're you feeling today? <3

[Stellata]

Thanks for asking. :)

Unfortunately I woke up feeling sick/colicky. It's eased off a bit, but my belly is really uncomfortable.

[roiben]

Sorry to hear you woke feeling unwell.

Would sipping hot water help with your stomach at all?

*safe hugs*
Roiben x

[Stellata]

My tummy is much better now. :)
But I'd rather have a sore uncomfy tummy than some of the really uncomfortable feelings I have right now.
A combination of shame, rage, anxiety, sadness, frustration.
It's complicated and confusing. Therapy was tough this afternoon, and I feel bad. I got some things off my chest, but I feel shitty. I hope that Katie is still inside me somewhere.
Sometimes I really hate my personality.
I've slapped my face and hit my head a few times, but that hasn't helped.

[Stellata]

"I want to cut out my womb.
Then I would be pure and sane."

[whirlpools]

Why do you feel that you would be better off without your womb?
It reminds me of the word - hysteria. Designed by men, for women. xxx

[Stellata]

It's where my father symbolically planted the 'poisoned root' of my insanity. According to my subconscious. [insights came in deep yoga reflective work back in Summer 1999]
I know it sounds 'crazy', but makes symbolic sense in terms of my past.

[risenfromperdition]

how you doin? :) <3