Stubborness - anyone else?

[Stellata]

I mean stubborness in the context of keeping going even when you really should rest. Even when your symptoms mean that it's better you're not at work, [or school or uni] or out in public, when it doesn't feel safe. Or when you're just too exhausted and this can make you cranky and irritable and it just makes things worse to keep pushing on.

When I went to uni, people were concerned about me, and my progress, related to my well being. But what did I do? Push on through. I was too scared of being seen as a failure, and disappointing my parents. I was also too scared of what might happen to me.
Back when I was teaching, I pushed on and carried on, because I was terrified of anyone knowing I wasn't ok. The result - I had several breakdowns, then one extended one.Even now, at work in my current job, and when I have good support structures in place and an excellent treatment team, and reasonable adjustments under the DDA, I'm very 'well known' for keeping going at work when I'm really too exhausted or vulnerable. I'm too scared to take time off work. We're praised for not taking sick leave. I am getting better, and I need them to know that, that I'm making an effort.

Today, I have bad period pains, and my eyes feel heavy and droopy, and I feel just drained and plan cranky. I'm attempting not to make myself do things.

Things got messy for me on RYL the last little while. This is another instance of my not knowing when to stop, when to step back, but pushing on through, even when I'm feeling vulnerable, angry and paranoid.

I have to go to work tomorrow. I hope I feel better than today, because I really don't feel physically well right now.
Trouble is, physical stuff has historically been a 'good' mask for the emotional stuff for me, due to the way my family was.

Does anyone else get like this? A state of 'grit your teeth and push through', rather than 'keep calm and carry on'. It wears me out, yet I struggle with alternatives. I don't want to be seen as weak. I'm not saying anyone else with mental illness who rests is weak, I'm talking about me. "I was brought up not to show emotional distress. I survived a traumatic birth. I should be strong." It's such a struggle. Can anyone else relate?
I know that resting when the body and mind are over-wrought isn't weakness. I know that. But I can't seem to give myself 'permission'.

[bleeding black]

I can relate Katie, I do it too.
Perhaps you need to 'make' yourself rest, and work on the permission later, because as you know, when you push it too far, things turn to absolute bollocks. You aren't weak at all, everyone gets rundown, whether it is by a cold, other sickness, stress or mental illness. It doesn't make them or you weak, just human.

[tamobhuuta]

i think, i do that, but i am also lucky enough to have had people at school and at home who recognised what i refused to acknowledge to anyone, that i needed to rest a little. when it happens it makes me feel unhappy because i think they're calling me weak, but later, when the rest has done its work i am grateful that i was made/given permission to stop.

allowing myself to do certain things is something i find hard when in a difficult state of mind but i find it's easier if i've built in little habits when i'm feeling less vulnerable. so, even when you feel like you don't/shouldn't need to, because you feel ok/not that bad, taking the time to have little rests, as often as it takes to get you used to it so that when your body and mind are crying out for a break, it's easier to give them even just a little one.

[PassedExpectations]

i know that i've been through that. and then at the end when i absolutely couldn't do anymore i completely crashed. and then was mad at myself for crashing.

i think that probably working in rests when you're not overly stressed like tamobhuuta said is a good idea. or maybe work out some sort of scheduled breaks, even if they're just small ones at times so you don't get overwhelmed. and do something you enjoy during them. if you're having fun it will be harder to feel guilty (right feeling?) about not working

[hidingme]

i have the oppisite probs really.. guess its out major depression i dont freaking know..but when we should do stuff we dont want to.. rather just lay around and sleep.. god im pissed right now.. i hate sundays bad they go by way fast and then monday is a whole week at stupis ass work. grr..
sorry..ha!
guess im in a venting mode..sorry katie.. hope you get some rest.

SADIE

[xlaurenx]

I can totally relate Katie, i hate doing anything that would make me come across as been a failure. when i was struggling at college due to severe depression and was getting about 3-5 sleep a night and pretty much on my feet for the rest of the time! I would just keep going and going and going , going to college working a 4 hour shift in a resturnt after a 9 hour day at college etc and i would just carry on looking knackered day in day out until i got ill and picked up a bug ,which .. happened quite a bit or i would just skip a day of college try to get some rest and the next day do the same again.

Though even now i struggle with accepting that everyone goes through times when they need a rest or something like that. though i could say that i was a victim of bullying which could link into me thinking that certain thinks i do are weak.

[Stellata]

Thanks everyone. :)

I appreciate your responses. I'll reply properly asap.
I ended up sleeping for most of the afternoon. I still feel really tired [and crampy-cranky].

[xlaurenx]

awww Katie, mine are awful ( the pains when i get them) Hope you feel better soon hun xx

[startingagain]

My CP encourages me to go to work even when I am so tired of it I struggle to cope. He thinks that if I stop I will get into a worse state.

[Stellata]

The aim of my team is for me take responsibility for my needs, and to listen to my body [and mind] and know when to stop and take some time to get myself back in synch. It can be a fine line, but, as from my past, we can see how it's a pattern in me not to listen to myself to the best of my own health. Sometimes I can gauge it fine, and sometimes I just 'keep on moving'.
To the extent that I'm beginning to wonder if my keeping on going has contributed to a chronicyfying [!] of irritability symptoms.