Overdosing

[one_step_closer]

I feel like i'm addicted to overdosing. For a little while i've been doing it usually once a month and I always look forward to the next time that I can do it. I like the way that people know how to look after me physically, intensely. I know that it's very dangerous but I can't seem to find another way to feel looked after. No one knows how to look after me emotionally and that makes me feel like less of a human. When I am not overdosing I am self harming badly but I don't go to hospital about it any more, even if I think I need stitches, I just steri strip the wounds myself. I feel like a freak and I am ashamed of what I am doing. There are people who spend most of their lives in hospital because they are very ill. I shouldn’t be wishing to be ill and in hospital. I must be so sick in my mind.

[Stellata]

You need love and care so much, but because you've become deprived of it, you craving has become twisted and agonising. I understand how painful that can be. Really I do.
I think it might be beneficial for you to have some focused support on breaking this pattern and shifting your care seeking into more healthy routes. Could this be some work that you do with your psychologist?
It's painful to approach and stay with such feelings, I know. You might like to look up 'self soothing'.
Take gentle care of yourself.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks Katie. I will talk this through with my psychologist. We are supposed to be working on my social anxiety at the moment but I think that this is more important. I've tried self soothing but i'm no good at it. It seems to involve doing nice things for yourself and I don't like that.

[Stellata]

You want other people to do nice things for you instead. I understand that. It can take some shifting.
I agree that this is more priority than social anxiety.

[one_step_closer]

Does anyone have any advice?

[startingagain]

My psychologist said to plan in small events where I am taking care of myself. It is about being nice to yourself rather than looking to others to be nice to you. Hope that helps and sorry if it doesn't.

[Breeze]

Have you got any close family or friends?
Maybe set some time aside on a weekly thing to do nice things for yourself. Maybe with someone close so you can get some looking after but also you can care for them too, like go window shopping try on loads of extravegant things (take pics too! lol)
Pamper yourself lots.

If you look forward to the next od I am guessing you have a day or week planned for it?
How about having another option for this time. Like going out with a mate.
Take on a new hobby.
Do you work or study?
Maybe a short evening course where your work gets recognition which will help your esteem.

[when.will.it.end]

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say that I can completely relate to what you're saying about not being able to feel taken care of any other way. I think I'm slowly coming round to understanding that it's not being physically taken care of is what I actually want and really it's a very very dangerous way of getting help. Like with any other addiction, it may stop working all together or you'll have to take more and more serious overdoses to feel taken care of which is obviously not safe. That's generally what I've found.

Can you create a plan with doctors/your psychologist around what you can do instead of overdosing and looking at other ways to cope?

[Snow White.]

People don't know how to take care of you emotionally; but I ask, do you know how to take care of yourself emotionally?

What would it look like if someone else was taking care of you emotionally?

Katie was right to suggest self soothing in a way to help you build up your skills so that you can take care of yourself emotionally. Yes there are times when we need other people to help us out with it, but there's going to be times when we need to know how to do it for ourselves. It takes practice. If you don't like self soothing cause you're doing something nice for you, try doing it in different activities or different methods, but don't give up. You need to do nice things for yourself Linds, and you need to start now.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you everyone.

It makes me a bit upset to think that I am the one with sole responsibility for taking care of myself. I feel like a child who needs parents to nurture her and I have none. I only get my nurturing form the staff at hospital (when they are nice to me.) That saddens me too. I wish I could stop this. I think that being in a relationship would help me but i'm worried that i'd use that relationship like a parent - child one.

I feel like i'm addicted to the physical effects of ovedosing too and I don't know what could replace that other than getting drunk which I am not going to do.

I don't think I know how to take care of myself emotionally, no. That's why I look to others for guidance. I'll need to speak to my psychologist about this because I don't think he understands how deeply it is affecting me. He labels it as BPD and leaves it at that. I have no idea what it would look like if someone was looking after me emotionally. I guess that by saying that no one knows how to look after me emotionally I mean that therapy isn't working right now. I need to change direction.

Thanks again for all of your support.