getting out of the 'freak zone'

[Stellata]

How do I protect myself from seeing myself as a freak?
That is my current dilemma....

Any support with it would be welcome. :)

[FragileWings]

I don't think you're a freak.

What makes you think you're a freak?

[Stellata]

The point of this thread is so that I don't see myself as a freak!

The reasons 'for' freak feeling are -
Sometimes I behave weirdly because of when I feel under threat all the time.
I'm socially awkward.
My face shows difficult feelings too clearly.
I'm 40, never had a sexual or romantic relationship.
I was bullied for many years, and it's easy to tell.
I'm short and skinny, and look much younger than I am.

[Bleeding Angel]

katie i hate to point out your other thread is exaclty the same, so what i said there stands here. http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=145397

[Stellata]

No, this isn't the same.
The previous thread was me abusing myself. And because I don't want to do that, I started this thread, starting afresh.
This thread is about how to stop doing verbally abusing myself, and having wrong, damaging beliefs about myself. But these beliefs are hard to break. Hence this thread.
The previous thread was about 'how to cope with being an awful person, an outsider everyone hates' and this thread is about 'how to accept I'm an ok person, and can include myself if I trust myself enough'. But there are Blocks to that. Hence my need to work on this.
My mind state is exactly opposite to the previous thread. But it's hard to work through.
And I was so out of it when I posted the previous thread. I'm not now.

[Stellata]

It's beliefs that I shouldn't be around people, that I'm toxic and just here to be laughed at and made fun of. It's beliefs that no one would ever want to be around me, and that I am unable to relate to people. That I have no worth, except as something to abuse and laugh at.
Feelings of being totally alone, and unlike anyone else, and ugly and... all of that.
In this mind set I call myself stupid, ugly, worthless, a freak, a crazy freak, retarded, all of that.

Including myself, rather than isolating myself. Trusting that I can relate, even if I feel awkward.

'B' for Blocks because they are, well, Big. Huge. Formed for self defence, but no longer help me, if they ever did.

I've started working on this in therapy, just was looking for some input, ideas, reality checking.

Thanks. :)

[Leni]

Using positive language about yourself repeatedly may help. For example, looking at yourself in the mirror and saying things such as 'I am a kind, caring person and I deserve to be loved and respected'. It may sound ridiculous but for somebody who isn't used to thinking (or hearing) about themselves in any positive way it's really difficult. I find it extremely hard - almost like another part of me wants to shout 'No I'm not, I'm a pathetic waste of oxygen!' in response :ermm: If you force yourself to say and repeat positive things over and over, you can become more comfortable with linking your notion of your self with positive qualities and good things. It is training your brain to overide the link between yourself and negative words that can come about, for example, through being bullied.
It doesn't work so well if you negate your beliefs, like 'I am not a freak' because your brain will still pick up the 'I am ... freak' which is already lodged there to start with.

[shadow-light]

I can sort of understand the feeling of being a freak, I have a bit of an obsession with wanting to be "normal" but I have been told to try to think of it differently, I can't remember the exact line that was said to me right now but it's something like: reacting normaly to abnormal situation and so being normal in an abormal life. Maybe you could try to turn the thinking round to something like that too?

[Stellata]

Thanks.. will ponder over and reply properly.

Just wanted to say that it is a purely personal against me kind of thing, pretty much. It's all I was made to believe about myself by girls who bullied me.

[Stellata]

[sorry, was feeling very under threat]

I am NOT calling anyone else a freak. I promise that.
This is to help me feel better about myself, not make me feel worse by digging holes in what I say. That's how it feels, anyway.
Yes, I have resentment against the girls who bullied me, and yes I act this out. In that way it is not 'only about me'. But you seem to be implying I'm calling others freaks. And I'm not.
True, people who think I'm not a freak might feel upset by the fact that I think I do. But that is something else altogether.

[Stellata]

I'll reply to other responses when I'm in a calmer frame of mind.

[Stellata]

And. It is one of the symptoms of complex trauma.

Changes in self-perception, such as a sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings[Source.] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder)

Perhaps that puts it in context, clears up any confusion, and explains how it is an encapsulated thing, not something I see in others. At all. They are all 'perfect' and I'm the worst of all evil and badness. It's a black and white thinking mindset. Obviously, it's not a mindset I'm in all the time, or I wouldn't be able to reflect on it. I'm working at bridging the gap between understanding I'm not this, and the belief that I am.

I work with many people the same size and build as me, for example. I certainly don't see them as freaks. [In the mindset I am in when I call myself a freak.]

This judgement on myself is a result of chronic ongoing abuse over many years, where people who wanted to feel bigger about themselves and better than me to feel good about themselves attacked every vulnerability in my appearance and self esteem that they could find, until almost total destruction resulted. Then this was compounded by my receiving a mental health diagnosis [and any stigma attached from certain circles, and more excuse to 'beat myself up' - my father always used mental illness ideas as a threat to me and a potential reason for abandonment] and the defence behaviours I built up over the years and mark me out as 'outside mainstream society' viz. feeling under threat all the time.

[startingagain]

To be honest I see nothing wrong with not being academically able (no one is stupid and certainly not retarded. I hate that word) or not physically attractive (I'm certainly not!).

I think you believe that too, so you need to keep saying positive thoughts and 'correcting' yourself when you say or write anything negative. You may not believe the positive for a while, but at least you will stop reinforcing the negative.

[Bleeding Angel]

Im sorry but i really dont think its fair to take an attitude with people because you read something a certain way, yourockmysocks said nothing wrong at all and was actully being very helpful. I just pointed out you already had a similar thread and its like you bit my head off being denfensive to why you needed a new one.

You have issues going on right now and its comming across the fourms and im sure lots of people can pick up on it and im not sure what to say because i feel anything i say is going to be hit with a wall of denfensive. From what i pick up on you need people to validate you as a person, you reply on other people to tell you things about yourself because you want to beilve people can see something different to what you see in the mirror each day, people do, people say a sensitive caring person who would do anything to help people, but everyone has a self perception of themselfs and how they look and act.

Really you dont need other people to validate you, you need to learn that people dont see you as a freak, they just see you.

[FragileWings]

I think a lot of symptoms issues that you've said that has come across. I may be wrong, but I think you need to go through past experiences with abuse, because that might have contributed to how you're feeling and seeing yourself.

It's beliefs that I shouldn't be around people, that I'm toxic and just here to be laughed at and made fun of. It's beliefs that no one would ever want to be around me, and that I am unable to relate to people. That I have no worth, except as something to abuse and laugh at.
Feelings of being totally alone, and unlike anyone else, and ugly and... all of that.
In this mind set I call myself stupid, ugly, worthless, a freak, a crazy freak, retarded, all of that.
I think this is a lot to do with having social anxiety disorder, and avoidant personality disorder. It seems as though you can't relate to people, so you feel as though you are freak. I get this a lot as well, so I feel your distressing feelings to some extent.maybe you should start thinking about what you relate to within hobbies/personality/ etc with another person?

I don't know.. but that's my two pennies.

[Stellata]

I honestly feel, Mari, that there's something you're not understanding here. I'm not sure how else to get my meaning across. Maybe I'm not finding the right words.
Yes, I'm extra sensitive right now.
I'm looking at some tough feelings, and actually they need approaching with sensitivity too.
Some people are correctly understanding that this comes from my being a survivor of trauma in relationship.

I apologise if I'm coming across as defensive or upsetting people. Can you understand that this is because I'm working my hardest to convey meaning in a way in which I feel it, but I don't seem to have adequete words. This is a very delicate, vulnerable issue. And I feel sad and frustrated that I can't express it as I need. It's kind of like having an emotional 'stammer'.
It's not that I'm not intelligent. But this just... hurts. And, with very painful things, like most other people, I get defensive. Because it hurts to 'touch' it.

I honestly started this thread as a new start in looking at myself more kindly. And, understandably, it hurts and feels frustrating to be/feel put in the same place as I was when I wrote the other thread. That just feeds on the mindset I'm trying to get out of, and felt dismissive. Can you understand how that goes?
True, I could have added on to my previous thread, changing the title. But I made a conscious, deliberate choice not to do that, yet I'm tarred by the same brush, as it were, by you.

Maybe you feel frustrated that I'm not able to change my self beliefs fast. I would that I could, but there's a lot of years of harm from others causing this, and it's become embedded. I am now actively working on this compassionately with my therapist.

Or maybe this topic brings up raw feelings in you about the way you've seen/see yourself. I may be wrong, but am just putting it out here. I know you're also stressed about starting back at uni. So, your response to my threads re this issue may be particularly intense because of this. We are stressed, we get reactive. I understand.

True, I was very defensive, including on RYL, over the weekend. I know that. But I got through that, as my stress levels reduced. You seem to think I'm still 'there'. My impression has been that I'm not. I do take issue at being seen as being in a place that I've moved on from some, and this is bound to set off my defence system.

Perhaps I need to keep discussion of this only to therapy.
I was just hoping here for a bit of moral support and any tips, that was all. And for those, many thanks. I'm replying to them below.

[Stellata]

I think a lot of symptoms issues that you've said that has come across. I may be wrong, but I think you need to go through past experiences with abuse, because that might have contributed to how you're feeling and seeing yourself.


I think this is a lot to do with having social anxiety disorder, and avoidant personality disorder. It seems as though you can't relate to people, so you feel as though you are freak. I get this a lot as well, so I feel your distressing feelings to some extent.maybe you should start thinking about what you relate to within hobbies/personality/ etc with another person?

I don't know.. but that's my two pennies.

I'm working through all the abuse experiences slowly and carefully. There're so many layers of feeling.

You're right, I have [always] had social anxiety. I haven't been diagnosed with that, or avoidant personality. But for sure it's there. [It's there in Complex PTSD too, which is more on the lines my therapist is working with me on.]
I'm also working on overcoming this. Steadily, gently. There is so much pain there.

[Stellata]

"Perhaps that puts it in context, clears up any confusion, and explains how it is an encapsulated thing, not something I see in others. At all. They are all 'perfect' and I'm the worst of all evil and badness. It's a black and white thinking mindset. Obviously, it's not a mindset I'm in all the time, or I wouldn't be able to reflect on it. I'm working at bridging the gap between understanding I'm not this, and the belief that I am."

I frequently find myself inclined to view the world in just this same way. It's like I'm fighting it off constantly. Everyone else is "good"--I can make excuses for their behavior and imagine that they behave wrongly sometimes for reasons I don't understand. But I have no excuses for myself.

So I totally understand what it's like to feel that you are the "bad guy". One silly thing that helps me is to listen to a piece of music that touches me really deeply and take note of how it makes me feel--perceptive of beauty, connected with humanity, etc. Then I think, first, if I were actually "bad and inhuman" would I be able to feel this way? And second I think about what is good in human beings--including myself--and what I can do to show that goodness in my own life. A lot of people see the goodness in you. It's always there and you can learn to see it for yourself. You are beautiful and you've got a lot to give.

Thanks Trissy.
The idea to do something actively to connect with deeper more tender feelings is a good idea. :)

[Stellata]

To be honest I see nothing wrong with not being academically able (no one is stupid and certainly not retarded. I hate that word) or not physically attractive (I'm certainly not!).

I think you believe that too, so you need to keep saying positive thoughts and 'correcting' yourself when you say or write anything negative. You may not believe the positive for a while, but at least you will stop reinforcing the negative.

Thing is, my academic ability is pretty good.
I also hate the 'r' word with a passion.
And, it's my feelings that 'get ugly' and show up on my face. My face, which is ok, but does show emotional trauma scars, if that makes sense.
You're right, I don't really believe those abusive about me things. Internal-abuser mind though finds them great ammunition. Sadly. I wish it wouldn't.

It's my social intelligence that is lacking. Although I can be very sociable.

[Stellata]

Katie, I don't know what to say. :sad: I wasn't trying to wind you up. I wasn't trying to imply anything.

I hear how you were simply voicing a thought, and didn't mean anything by it. I respect and appreciate your explaining this to me. I'm sorry if I upset you.

However, unfortunately it touched a very raw nerve in me. I apologise for my reaction. My reaction however also tells me something important that I can use to help me understand myself and others further. Yes, when I call myself a 'freak' I do make assumptions about others. Not that they're freaks, but that they agree with my devastating opinion of myself. Unfortunately, every school day for a decade or so, my peers DID call me a freak, treat me like I was one, and other things besides. And my father reinforced this. Until I totally believed it and took on their belief system. Total brainwashing for feelings of worthlessness.

[Bleeding Angel]

Ive done nothing but try and be helpful and understanding and im sorry if i dont completly understand, what ive been sayin has nothing to do with my emotions but from what i see over a number of posts. Anyway i dont want to cause any ill feelings

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Perhaps I need to keep discussion of this only to therapy. I was just hoping here for a bit of moral support and any tips, that was all. And for those, many thanks. I'm replying to them below.

Perhaps this is what the thread should be for hun, moral support. People can find it difficult to reply to your posts due to the complex undertones and history the latter of which should be addressed in therapy.
xxx

[-Tough-Cookie-]

Katie, please dont take this out of context. It is intended to be helpful.

It seems you have some issues with hearing what other people say, in the sense that percieve other people to always (or atleast often) be attacking you. This has happened several times in this thred, and several times in other places around ryl (like your old tread).
I know its hard to be 'called out' an challanged' when you have an abusive history its kinda default to feel attacked/threatened/misunderstood.
I was the same back when i was still ill - i thought the entire world was 'out to get me', 'didnt understand' and similar things.

This is part of what you need to (maybe not now but eventually) work through or life in your eyes with keep compounding your uneahlthy, untrue and nagative self belef. Its not an easy journey. It involves a lot of taking responsability...

It might sound impossible right now..but the eventual thinking i came around to was that people can only effect me when i allow them to.

I dont kow if thats helpful..but i thought it might help you see NOONE on this thred has been 'attacking' you.

[Stellata]

Thanks Mari, Carrie and Kel.

Mari, no hard feelings taken or intended.
As Kel suggests, this is a VERY raw area for me, and something I'm only just now, many years into my therapeutic journey, being able to face. And it is challenging, and painful and difficult. It's like being a wounded animal. Well, split into that and a powerless against state, and then a reflective state.

It is indeed very complex, Carrie. And I definitely would rather use this thread for moral support and encouragement than in depth analysis, and that's probably one of those 'failures of self protection' which is another C-PTSD thing, getting fraught and that about it here.

Rest assured I am working on this intensively and safely in therapy.

If I feel the need to add more to this post, I will do when I get in from work. :)

[Stellata]

Dasher, I respect your reply and deeply appreciate your response.
I certainly don't hate you, and never have.
I'll read properly when I have some quiet time, and respond accordingly.
Thank you. :)

And no, you shouldn't delete your reply at all. It's very helpful. But I should be working right now! and need time to digest anyway.

[whirlpools]

.....

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I have post reported Lostandalone's post as I think it is purely insulting and flaming. Maybe if more people do it will get sorted sooner.

[Pomegranate]

I have post reported Lostandalone's post as I think it is purely insulting and flaming. Maybe if more people do it will get sorted sooner.

Just reported it as well. Katie- I don't have the ability to focus enough today to make a helpful response to your post. I do think that Mari and Kel have made some valid, if painful to read, points though. Hope you are ok *leaves a hug just incase*

[Too Shy]

I don't think it's a case of 'knowing all the answers'. I think sometimes you can tell yourself something rationally and logically as much as you want, but that doesn't make that 'niggling' feeling at the back of your mind go away.

I think it's important also to remember, and it's not always easy to remember or believe this sometimes, but when you have been bullied or teased or laughed at in the past, it is their problem, not yours. I'm not saying it's that simple, and I understand completely how hurtful and traumatising it can be to fear that all the time, to be waiting for someone to do that again, to feel that you are not 'good enough', and to try and justify those experiences to yourself. Sadly, people who are 'socially awkward', as you said, or who are introverted, isolated, quiet, etc etc etc, tend to be seen as 'easy targets' - it's very easy sometimes to internalise that pain and fear and anger, to save it all up and bury it deep down inside you, or to tell yourself that it's because you're a 'freak' and you're not 'normal', or to tell yourself that there's something 'wrong' with you. And in reality, that isn't the case, it's just that some people find it amusing to laugh at people who are different to them, in any way - be that race, gender, sexuality, mental health problems, physically appearance, popularity, anything.

It sounds very much like you are still very traumatised by your past experiences, maybe that you feel that you need to protect yourself from being hurt like that again, and that you want to almost prove to yourself that you are 'normal', if that makes sense. It can be very isolating to feel like that, to feel that you are separate from people and that whatever you do they will judge you and think of you as 'different'. I don't think any of the things you have described about yourself make you a freak, but I think you're a lot harsher on yourself than you would be on other people.

Have you talked with your therapist about any ways that you can stop seeing yourself as a 'freak' when you're in a vulnerable state of mind? You sound particularly concerned about your social skills, would it help you to try and do some work specifically targetted at that area? (Sorry if I'm saying stuff that seems very obvious or that you already know, I'm not sure what kind of therapy you've had/are having though) - there are sessions directed for example at assertiveness training if you're concerned about that, or social anxiety groups, rapid eye movement work which can apparently help, or maybe you could try and build up some relationships by joining a group or club that you're interested in, creative writing, art groups, anything like that?

I think it's also a case of repeating positive statements to yourself over and over again, almost so that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, if that's the right phrase. At first it can seem very awkward and unnatural, but e.g. just allowing yourself to believe that you are fine the way you are, that you deserve happiness, that it's ok to to feel vulnerable or defensive or frightened sometimes - but you're not being a 'freak' but rather are reacting in a way that is understandable as a result of being traumatised or frightened due to your past.

I don't know if that makes sense or if you'd agree with any of that though, and I'll edit/delete this if it's gone completely down the wrong track. :)

[Stellata]

Thanks for the post reports. I have too.

All I can say in response to that post is 'If it were that easy, I would have done it already.'

Too Shy, actually you are spot on, and it makes total sense. Yes, there is that gap between understanding and acting. It's an agonising chasm.

To everyone - I am limiting my response for now on this thread. Not because I don't appreciate all your replies, they are really helpful. But I am doing my best to assimulate and digest all you've said, and process it. As some of you might be able to imagine, it is a real challenge not to use aspects of the feedback on this thread as further fuel to the fire of "I'm a **** person and I should isolate myself forever." I don't want that. So I'm taking some space.
I would also like to say that I've never intended to hurt or upset anyone at all. I hear how nearly everyone here has the same approach, that they've not intended to hurt me. I hear that. And I am indeed working hard at that trust which is so difficult for me, after my past. Aged 40, and I'm only starting to learn to trust.

[whirlpools]

hugs, KAtie.
i heAr how hArd you Are working.

[Stellata]

Thanks Laura.

[Bleeding Angel]

Maybe you feel frustrated that I'm not able to change my self beliefs fast. I would that I could, but there's a lot of years of harm from others causing this, and it's become embedded. I am now actively working on this compassionately with my therapist.

Or maybe this topic brings up raw feelings in you about the way you've seen/see yourself. I may be wrong, but am just putting it out here. I know you're also stressed about starting back at uni. So, your response to my threads re this issue may be particularly intense because of this. We are stressed, we get reactive. I understand.

True, I was very defensive, including on RYL, over the weekend. I know that. But I got through that, as my stress levels reduced. You seem to think I'm still 'there'. My impression has been that I'm not. I do take issue at being seen as being in a place that I've moved on from some, and this is bound to set off my defence system.



As i posted from my phone this morning i didnt have the will to write a long reply, while i know you wernt intentionally trying to upset people, i was actully quite offended that you brought my issues into it and thought it was out of order especailly as i said, i was only trying to help even if i dont fully understand, but i think i had to say that to make you aware that sometimes what you say may sound right in your head but when you type things and post them, peoples tones can change and as said you do have an issue of communication that you need to work on, so that you can say things without people missenterpatating it, but i understand you thought i was attacking you in a way or that i hit a nerve.

But everyone has said everything that needed to be said so i cant add to them, and as i said no ill feelings or anything and i hoep you can take time out and feel better :)

[Stellata]

I'm sorry that my attempts at trying to understand how communication/perceptions/responses can be a two way thing and trying to understand your responses, and me, came to you as offensive. [sorry for bad sentence, I just don't know how to word it.] It's the way I work, and try to understand how people interact with me and why. It wasn't meant offensively at all. I appreciate your understanding that I didn't-don't mean to hurt.

My raw spot is screaming right now. No fault of anyone. Just is. But I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm going to try not to isolate myself completely. Even though I feel I 'should'.

[Bleeding Angel]

Really you should do whats best for you, no one can tell you if you should take space or not or if it feels like it or not, i think its positve you are going to not hurt yourslef, but remember you can take time out and come back if you feel you need to :)

[Stellata]

I meant in general in my life like work, home etc, Mari. Just to clarify.
I'm figuring out re RYL.

Thanks. :)

And thanks Dasher. Just seen your reply. You're right.
Thanks. :)

[Stellata]

I'm having a really hard time 'being with' myself right now.
I would appreciate some moral support to help me through, if possible. Sorry for asking.

[Pomegranate]

You don't ever need to apologise for asking for support. I'm not really sure what would help though. I don't agree (from what I have seen of you on the forum) with your perception that you are a 'freak' or anything like that. Maybe when you are feeling a little more comfortable with being 'Katie' then you could consider some of yourockmysocks points on the first page. I think if you could get your head round what she was saying then it might be helpful for you in the longer term.

What has helped you in the past to feel more comfortable 'being with' yourself?

[Stellata]

Thank you...

I don't believe I'm a 'freak'. I really don't.
That's what I'm trying NOT to believe... Right now my heart hurts.
I'm struggling with feeling that my communication skills are really lacking, really impaired. I know that, but how serious is it? I'm told I don't have autism, and that I don't have a particular personality disorder. I trust that. But something is severely wrong. What if I can't ever mend it, no matter how hard I try and work at it.

Thoughts running through my head about how should I ask for re-referral for psychiatric assessment, all of that. I don't think it's necessary. I trust myself to work through this. I know once my hormones are more stable, I'll be more stable.

Just rambling, sorry.

Just to be able to reach out and be heard helps. Thanks. :)

[ThinkingofRecovery]

What would the psychiatric re-referral accomplish hun? I thought you were comfortable with having been seen in the past to establish meds and broad description of your problems which you have since been working on in private therapy. What else could a new psychiatric referral do now?

[Pomegranate]

What do you think you would gain from a rereferral? Is it the extra support of a CPN or SW that you are looking for? I think you should be really proud of yourself for working through it and for having that amount of faith in yourself!

Do you not think you have improved since starting therapy though? Have you considered maybe doing something like going to a book club or something? Something that would get you out and about and communicating with people in a setting that isn't clinical or work related? Personally I think the best way to develop communicating skills is practice. Therapy can help with teaching you ways to cope with your anxieties about that...it can even teach you the theory but you can't become profficient in something like that without the practice as well.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Emma's last suggestion would link in with your other thread recently where you listed that you lacked social skills, qualifications etc. If you did a night course you could learn a new skill and meet new people in a safe boundary.

btw I am slightly biased here as I am starting a night class in a couple of weeks :)

[Stellata]

Thank you so so much for your kindness, all of you.

I guess I've kind of misinterpreted. What part of me [not all of me] is 'getting from' this thread, some responses, is how my social intelligence is indeed impaired. Dasher, you are spot on with what you say re my development. I feel touched that you remember and recognise and respect that. I'm like 35 years behind in so many respects. Or more. I never spoke to teachers until nearly all the way through a school year, right into 6th form. If the teachers had taken it seriously when I was 5, how much difference would there be in me now...? I speculate, and, yes, I'm angry with them. Things also were happening at home when I was 5 [the first conscious memory I have of my very nearly getting sent away for being 'bad'], as well as the whole separation anxiety from my mum with starting school thing.
Then when I was older, all I got from teachers was "she's too quiet". "She's very inhibited." "She lacks confidence." "She's very shy." and I just felt ashamed [and angry] and had not a clue how to change it. I pushed through surface changes at various points in my late teens and early 20s, but it all started to come crashing down around my ears in my first 'breakdown' when I was 24.

A re-referral. Part of me thinks it would 'satisfy people here that I was being dealt with accordingly' [which I guess is a punitive kind of thought..]. Maybe a prn med would help - very low dose of something. What I really might need rather is some kind of supported social skills/social group/self esteem thing. The only way to get that round here is via being in OP psychiatric treatment. Or that's what my GP said when work OH wanted me to have relaxation classes. I WANT to do a course, flower arranging, art, creative writing, whichsoever. But my confidence and trust in myself keeps drooping so so much that I can't hold the motivation long enough to take action. If there was something I 'had' to go to, it might pull me out of inertia faster.
I mean, clearly speaking, I really don't need a diagnosis done again. I know what's wrong, depression and complex trauma including emotional regulation and social skill dysfunction. And a LOT of anxiety. Sometimes I think that 'Katrina-mind' is at least in part a way of bypassing my social awkwardness and inhibition and it just totally comes out all wrong and is all wrong, but is a twisted kind of way of attempting to find a place of balance in myself. Does that make sense?

I've come such a long way since I started therapy, and continue to do so. :)
My therapy is very much about becoming increasingly conscious of what I think and feel and how I am. Not to judge it, to understand it. And to gradually through that gain more head space to make appropriate healthy choices and have more of an internal locus of control and self soothing. [so very DBT synchronic, even though it's not DBT - I'll read the link tomorrow, Dasher, when I'm more focused.]

Dasher, a couple of times you've mentioned re my recent stirred up-ness [for want of a better word] could be a result of what I'm working with in therapy recently. And I've been trying to put my finger on what that is exactly. Part of it at least is accepting all the parts of me, and reconciling them with being within the realm of responsibility of myself, in particular my 'neediness' and, more recently now defensiveness. I think a lot of distress came from the whole thing with my ex homeopath, and reconciling all that, and being assertive about what I wanted. I don't think he ever really got to grips with finding the most appropriate remedy for me. Who knows, though, really. It just was very fraught and I had to face a hell of a lot, really fast. Then this was closely followed by some hellish separation anxieties related to the volcano ash cloud at the Easter therapy break.
And somehow or other I've been working 27 hours a week all through this... Work though can be very therapeutic for me, especially when I see myself have 'normal' interactions and actually really help or connect with a customer or colleague. But it is... a lot to handle at times, on top of hopes of keeping total vigilant track of myself as much as I really need to.

[startingagain]

To be honest I don't think teachers of the time you went to school would of had the awareness or training that they have now on child protection issues. I was the same and one teacher even joked about it. Nowadays teachers would be concerned and act accordingly. I'm trying to say that it is ok to feel let down. However, maybe the knowledge that the reason they didn't do anything about it isn't because they didn't care, but just didn't know any better may help?

[Too Shy]

You sound at the moment (to me, at least) as if there's almost an 'inner conflict' type of thing in you at the moment where you want to get out and socialise and do the things that you know that you're capable of, and that you know you're strong enough to do, but there's another part of you which is holding you back out of fear, maybe of rejection or being let down, or of people judging you badly in that situation.

Pomegranate and no reason I think it was suggested trying a course to get yourself into that social situation, and you sound like that's something you've considered, although I understand that there's that strong part of yourself which doesn't have the confidence or trust in yourself (and maybe others) to make that final step into doing something.

Have you had a look at what kind of courses they do in your area though? I don't know if you've ever had a look through one of those course booklets, but they tend to have phone numbers or an e-mail address, so it might be that you could speak to the course administrator (or whoever) and let them know that this is something you want to do to develop your social skills and your confidence and to try and build some relationships, but that you do struggle and you might need some encouragement. It's not the same situation, but it's something I've tried with my kickboxing club recently, I let our coach know if I'm struggling or having a bad day and need some space or some encouragement, and they can then work with that, give me some personal space if I need it or on the other hand they can encourage me to get in there and have a go because they won't be thinking anything bad. I know it's different situations, but I hope you can see what I mean from that? It's something I struggle with a lot when I'm feeling anxious or shy, so it might be that they can do the same - or even just let you know how much people attend a particular course so that you can choose a smaller group if that feels more comfortable?

Pomegranate also suggested it would be helpful to socialise in a situation which isn't clinical or work related, and I think that's a very valid point. I know you've mentioned in the past that it's important for you to remember that you're not just a diagnosis, you're a person - your difficulties in some situations and in the way you feel about yourself are not what defines you, they're just one small part of you, and there's a lot more besides that, which is probably hard to acknowledge sometimes. I know there are a lot of people on RYL who have chosen to study Mental Health or Psychology partly as a result of their problems (me included!) but sometimes it can be helpful to do something completely unrelated to that - there's such a wide range of courses (e.g. maybe even an Open University course would be something you could consider in the future, even if not now?) - English (Lang/Lit) courses, cooking, writing, artistic classes, music, sports/yoga/relaxation type things, all sorts. :)

[Stellata]

Thank you so much everyone. I'll respond properly later.

Just one point to clarify, while I remember! Dasher, my therapist didn't recommend the homeopath I saw. She actually recommended a different one, but I didn't get such a good first impression from her in her email reply to me.

And thumbelina, yes, this time of year, with the wowoww exam results, and people going back to school - and uni, is a very raw time of year for me. I hadn't seen it in that context but you're right.

More later. :)

[Stellata]

You're not bad at all, twas a long and complex story with oodles of details. :)

I've just got back from my GP, who helped me put things in further perspective.
I'm a bit foggy headed right now, and will reply properly later.

[Stellata]

Dasher - Mind. It's a thought.. I'm wary of them too, sadly, after the way they handled things when my befriender just literally abandoned me without telling them or me. [or so they said]. The coordinator warned me off the social group there, because of my particular symptom presentation.

I also believe it's inaccurate! [Well, part of me does, which is the way things go, and I accept that.]

At times I am an eternally empty yawning chasm craving constant validation. This can be exhausting and draining for me and others, and the trouble often is that my traumatised mind 'wipes out' any goodness I've already received and says 'more, more'. That part will always be like that, and I need to build up an existence aside from it, someone who can give and receive understanding and care.

The teenaged social developmental phase in me [more 13 year old than 17 or so, maybe because I was 13 when I started my periods...] is partly arrested development, partly hoping for something different to then

thumbelina, I mentioned earlier how you're spot on with that. It's something that, even though I know it's not a fact that I am, makes me feel inferior. My A for Sociology A level was [I]so hard won.
I don't remember feeling anything like dread at the start of a school year. I think I always hoped it would be different. I know I hoped that when I started secondary school. I erroneously thought that the bullies would leave me alone, but sadly it got worse and they swelled in numbers and their assaults got more nasty and physical and undermining.

Too Shy, you're totally right. There is such a conflict. I want to, yet I feel pulled back by feelings of, yes, anticipations of rejection or ridicule.
I actually work in a library part of the week where adult education run courses, and do know some of the tutors by sight at least. But they mainly do ESOL. Will need to research. I just need to do something creative that uses my mind well.
You've given me some good ideas. Thank you. :)

[Stellata]

Yep. It was 2006... Wow, your memory of dates is like mine!
Thanks. I'll check out their site at some point soon.
The coordinator didn't treat me badly so much as insensitively. After my befriender basically 'absconded' she did try to get her friend to be a new befriender for me - as there weren't any other people close to my age. Her friend was about 10 or more years older than me, and I really didn't want a 'mother figure' because of my historical friendship patterns. But in any case she didn't 'get' my personal space sensitivity, and at the initial meeting, got too close and I was not well and it just wasn't good. They just left things after that.

I'll research. :)