flutterby butterfly
31-08-2010, 10:52 AM
I feel weirdly calm… even though I can see myself throwing a tantrum my body just won’t react. There’s a massive tornado in my head but my body is like the eye of a storm.
It’s like I know I'm gonna self destruct, but my body won’t fight back. I can still flash everyone the most beautiful smile, be the happiest girl in the world, despite the fact I’m still in pain from an attempt on the weekend. Bastard tablets, not even a dent. It’s like I’ve drank the unicorn’s blood… I can’t die, but life is unbearable, intolerable, impossible.
His voice just gets louder, cut yourself he says, and take an overdose. She’s working tomorrow, she won’t get in the way, do it then. You can do it. Don’t f*ck it up this time. Do you wanna spend another night in hospital? Remember how that cannula hurt & reminded you of when you were in hospital when you were little? Do it right, end it. He laughs when I hurt; that kind of laugh that is cold & empty & goes straight through you. Everyone’s happy I’m getting better… getting better, smiling again, being friendly & chatty like the old me. Ha, the old me, wonder how she is? It’s ok though. “you’re not crazy” the psych said, smiling & joking with me, as I dazzled him with my charm & intellect. Why are those words haunting me so much? “You chuckled when I said about hearing voices & thinking people are plotting against you, and you said you do hear them, but you just plot with them – you’re not crazy”. But I do hear them & I do plot with them – and not willingly either. What do you do when you’re both the victim & the abuser?
I see Chris tomorrow. Do I say goodbye? Do I thank him for his time & his help? He’s a nice psychologist, and he doesn’t treat me like I'm stupid, nor do I have to make myself dumber for him. It’s the perfect balance. Do I tell him? Why would he believe me when I’ve been so calm & cool for so long?
I'm screaming in my head, why can’t anyone hear me?
It’s like I know I'm gonna self destruct, but my body won’t fight back. I can still flash everyone the most beautiful smile, be the happiest girl in the world, despite the fact I’m still in pain from an attempt on the weekend. Bastard tablets, not even a dent. It’s like I’ve drank the unicorn’s blood… I can’t die, but life is unbearable, intolerable, impossible.
His voice just gets louder, cut yourself he says, and take an overdose. She’s working tomorrow, she won’t get in the way, do it then. You can do it. Don’t f*ck it up this time. Do you wanna spend another night in hospital? Remember how that cannula hurt & reminded you of when you were in hospital when you were little? Do it right, end it. He laughs when I hurt; that kind of laugh that is cold & empty & goes straight through you. Everyone’s happy I’m getting better… getting better, smiling again, being friendly & chatty like the old me. Ha, the old me, wonder how she is? It’s ok though. “you’re not crazy” the psych said, smiling & joking with me, as I dazzled him with my charm & intellect. Why are those words haunting me so much? “You chuckled when I said about hearing voices & thinking people are plotting against you, and you said you do hear them, but you just plot with them – you’re not crazy”. But I do hear them & I do plot with them – and not willingly either. What do you do when you’re both the victim & the abuser?
I see Chris tomorrow. Do I say goodbye? Do I thank him for his time & his help? He’s a nice psychologist, and he doesn’t treat me like I'm stupid, nor do I have to make myself dumber for him. It’s the perfect balance. Do I tell him? Why would he believe me when I’ve been so calm & cool for so long?
I'm screaming in my head, why can’t anyone hear me?