coping with being a freak

[Stellata]

How can I cope with being a freak?
How can I live a 'normal' life when I'm a freak?

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Katie you are not a freak hun. However, I understand how it feels to be one as this is a term that often use to describe myself.
*hugs*

[Skye37]

I understand this feeling, I really do... but I do not think you are a freak. Why are you feeling this way?

I hope you feel better soon, take gentle care of yourself. xx

[Stellata]

Thank you.

But it's true.
I'm a freak.
I'm as ugly as sin.
I don't think like anyone else.
I'm just on this earth for people to have a good laugh at my expense.
I always say the wrong thing.
I'm too jumpy.
I don't have any friends.
I've never had a relationship.
I don't deserve respect.
I am a freak.

[Gone.]

I disagree with you on a lot of those reasons you've listed. You're different but then, everyone's different, to coin a phrase. The very fact you don't think like anyone else is a positive because you allow empathy into your thoughts that other people might now, they'll do something else. I know you're coming up against it at the moment, as you have been, but if everyone was the same then the world would be a very boring place. Perhaps you'd say that would be easier.

I think you deserve respect. Heck, you get it off me and a lot of people here anyway. If you didn't deserve it then I wouldn't respect you and I do.

What is happening right now that is causing all this negativity?
Do you have anything positive about yourself?

[Stellata]

I know you and some others respect me, Annabelle.
And I don't know how to describe others' treatment of me. Whatever it is, it is difficult, and just underlines how... weird I am.
It stirs me up when people question or antagonise everything I say. It brings up too much of my past. Everything I and my mother said or did was 'wrong' for my father. And mum wanted me only like her. So I grew up with very little sense of an individual self, or an ability to speak up. I was pretty much mute in lessons and such right up until I was 17 or so. So when I speak up now it's a big deal for me, and, yes, it might not be acceptable, because, hell, I'm socially defective or whatever. I know not everyone can or should agree with me, but.
Then there's when I go out in public. I could go on, but I've been attacked on here before by someone when I dared to say how I felt about that. So I just have to accept that it's my fault for being, I guess, an abnormal freak.

[whirlpools]

I think it is very courageous for you to say how you feel. I think it speaks volumes about your integrity, which is the essence of who you are (and something that no-one can take from you). And who is to say other people are right? Some people cut off from their feelings and are very insensitive towards the needs of others. That's their own issue and and every inch the "defence".

It is difficult when high emotions cause you to feel that people with differing opinions are against you or looking down on you. That's not because you're a freak, but because you have been very hurt by a lot of people.

[Stellata]

Thank you Laura.
People have always said I have integrity. I guess. Well, the joint head of studies at the therapy training college did too. So.
You speak wise words. [and I wanted to reply to your thread, but I'm too wary right now.]

[And..It's not helping my emotional state right now that my flatmates are having an intense argument in the kitchen.]

[whirlpools]

That doesn't sound helpful at all. Do you have a personal CD player or headphones you can plug into the laptop and listen to some relaxing music? It's their argument, not yours to worry about.

[Stellata]

I'll stuff my ear plugs in when I go to bed, which will be soonish...

At least I'm ... aware ... that it brings up shakiness memories related to my parents.

[Stellata]

I just want to be a normal person and lead a normal life. [Don't we all, I know...] But nearly every time I interact with people, on and offline, it just seems to highlight my ... dysfunction. And that hurts. Yet I would 'rather' call myself a freak than feel the pain. The pain of how everyone else seems to be so proficient and confident and ... right socially compared to me.

[whirlpools]

Sometimes it's easier to see the negative interactions, because they hit so close to home. In reality, there are a lot of people here who really respect you, and you have a very special way of relating to people that's really positive.

That doesn't make the negative bits less painful though, I know. And that it is hard to see the balance when you are feeling so fraught.

[Stellata]

Thanks Laura.

You know, I'm thinking now how totally normal so many people here on RYL are. They socialise, they can speak their mind without fear of ridicule, they can afford nice clothes, posh new phones and computers, they have boyfriends/girlfriends, they're free to have babies, they're young, their lives can change. They have multiple A grades at GCSE and A Level. And so on and so forth.
Then there's me.
40.
No social life.
Scared and wary to talk and interact.
Can just about afford bills and food. [AND I work 27 hours a week]
My phone is at least 5 years old. All it does is text and phone. It doesn't even have a camera.
Not ever dated.
I'll never have a child.
Only one A grade, at A level.
I'm stuck with who I am now.


[true they self harm, and I do but rarely, but when you look at the whole picture as I am right now..]

Lucky, they're so lucky. Even if they can't see it.
Remember that I had NO support until I was 30. Not for want of being unwell before, either.
And yes, I'm jealous. I'm aware of that. Yes, I know jealousy isn't cool or whatever. But it's how I feel.
And I know. I know people will say that they're jealous of the support I have now. I know people throw things back in my face.

I just want to be allowed to feel how I feel for once.
Without it being taken away.
Because that's what my parents did.
And guess who's left?
Me.
Defective and all that. Probably.

I'm sorry. But this IS me.
I don't know where the 'good' side went. Is she worthy of existing?

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I'm not going to make this into I have not... thread but there are aspects you have listed there that I too am not fortunate enough to have.

There are things in your list you change through your work in therapy:
Being scared and unwilling to talk
Not dating or having social life
If you build up your confidence through your therapy, you can do these things. You could even go to a night class to get more A-Levels if you want to.

You have so much potential but perhaps too little confidence in your own abilities hun.

Sorry, a bit of a waffly answer

[Stellata]

I don't mean to upset you, Carrie. I'm talking more about the younger people here, and not everyone, by a long stretch...

Everyone's been trying to get me to build up my confidence, and it has come on a long way [believe it or not..] It's just so easily crushed, trashed, debilitated.

[Stellata]

I'll probably regret all this when I own myself again.

[Bleeding Angel]

You can always compare yourself to someone else and other people, but at the end of they day you waste time thinking about it, we all wish we where someone else, have friends and partners, have the whole fairytale life, but for most of us it doesnt work like that.

But what you say isnt right, most of us on here arnt like that at all, i think you are viewing us in one respect, alot of people here cant afford things, dont have friends or partners, feel alone and struggle with mental health, cant go to uni/college ect, i think its unfair to lable everyone the same, but then most of us have this view about everyone else being happy and normal.

But it comes down to one thing, yourself, it might take time but you can learn to be the person you want to be.

[Stellata]

I didn't say I was referring to everyone.

I give up.

[Bleeding Angel]

ok maybe i misread wrong and i should say most, but as ive said on other threads i think you need to take time out tonight?