I know its a problem, I know I need help

[lozza]

I have been binge drinking a lot lately and every arvo/night - have been doing it for well over a year now but its just getting worse:s
I use to be able to go a day or two without drinking but now I cant... I have to drink you know? it feels the only way I can face each night and get through it alive...

how much I am drinking is no where near healthy, I know that and I know my body is now struggling to cope with it...

I allowed me dietician to refer me for appropriate help with a D and A counsellor... and I thought ok, seeing another counsellor just me and them to focus on this one issue may really help me nip this bad cycle in the butt.. but now I am not quite sure

I found out the other day that I gota go to a clinic at the local community health service... and I'm scared and unsure of what to expect

my dietician doesnt know much either but the way she understood it, I would see someone there and be assessed and hence put into what ever program that may help benefit me... but I thought I'd just have more of a counselling session with someone - not be involved in other programs too...
help!!!

I guess I am more scared of me living in a small town and someone I know seeing me there.. no one knows about my drinking problems, only a few close friends on here... and the other health professionals on my team...

I just need some reassurance I guess...
what to expect on tuesday when I go to the clinic... what may happen, an idea of what the programs are that I may be offered?

I just need to know what may happen... tuesday seems so far away :crying:

[no point]

i'm sorry noone has responded until now. i had read your post but was unsure of what to say. i'm glad you're seeking help for this. i'm sure they will be able to help. *hugs*

[lozza]

thank you for the kind words

[Sigma]

if it's a community health clinic won't there be lots of people there for all sorts of conditions? chances are no-one will know what you're there for... anyway, more important than a lot of small minded people (yes, I know it's hard to ignore them though) is that you're taking a positive step to getting the help you need... hang on in there...

[lozza]

thank you
I guess I am more scared of who may show up tomorrow... we will all be there for the same reasons... you know?

[lozza]

gota leave soon... freaking out:/

[lozza]

an update...
it actually wasnt too bad at all and they are going to refer me to a drug and alcohol counsellor and if I need to I can see the withdrawal nurse too (met him briefly this morning... he was funny but very nice and professional:-) ) I also have an option of going to rehab but its up to me what I decide to do really... which was a nice feeling instead of being told what to do!

[HarryMonk]

dont panic Lozza the only people who might see you probly feel the same as you girl.

Go along & see what they say.

Harry Monk x

[Sigma]

I'm glad it went well! Well done for facing up to it and going :)

[HarryMonk]

I really like talkin to them people but what freaks me out is when the clock hits ten-to they usher you out the door, you turn back into a moron & any connection you thought you had goes west.

I then go home & imagine the dinner parties they must have laughing about my plight.

I think I am being cruel & selfish here but it is hard to open up to people. Personally I just disassociate myself & speed talk.

Just being in a position where i have to talk about my own nonsense makes me cringe, but I get back home & feel at ease (for about a day)

I am fast becoming a believer that there is no cure, this is us, like it or lump it.

Harry Monk x

[Sigma]

Hi Lozza - don't let Harry's problems with counsellors put you off, I've had bad experiences too but also good ones, and the good ones have really helped.

I'm glad the first session was positive!

[HarryMonk]

Tokoloshe i was tryin to portay a positive image but readin back failed...

I think that displays my paranoia to a tee lol

Harry Monk x

[Sigma]

Harry, I'm glad we're both being positive! Also can see how much time and support you give to this board - thanks :)

Lozza - how's it going?

[lozza]

thanks guys

well last few days have been sick so unable to drink...
yesterday very early morning (had been 2 nights without alcohol) I had very bad delusions which was quite scary, plus the sweating and loss of appetite:(

I drank again last night, my baby boy mr martin passed away but it didnt matter how much I had I felt no effect *cries*

I dont know... still waiting for the D and A counsellor to call me..

[HarryMonk]

Thanks for you words Tokolshe, means a lot. Often judge the mood wrong but don't mean to ever offend.

Lozza you lost someone? Sh it I'm sorry. Thinkin of you...

Harry Monk xxx

[lozza]

well last night was very very bad.. I lost count how much I had to drink, I dont remember anything about last night at all... I turned my laptop on this morning to see I was talking to a guy and was in mid convo with him... I dont remember talking to him though at all!!!

this is just so bad.. its like I just went back several steps to the beginning again... ****

please please let the D and A counsellor call me today... I cant do this alone and its just a tad bit more than out of control right now

*cries*

[HarryMonk]

Lozza if I had arms that were 5000 miles long I would hold you for ever. So you had a skinful so what? Its not the end of the world. Fallin asleep mid convo is funny tho girl so extra brownie points there xxx

Dont panic (sounds like you are panicking). Deep breaths

Not exaclty up the road but want to help. Horrible to see someone crying.

Harry Monk xxxxxx

[lozza]

Fallin asleep mid convo is funny tho girl so extra brownie points there xxx


:tongue2: made me laugh so thanks!!!

I just I dont know what I am doing anymore you know? gotta leave to see my counsellor shortly... am looking forward to the 2hr drive there and back

but not feeling safe but meh
whats new???

[HarryMonk]

You're safe here Mrs Lozza. Dont crash.

Harry Monk xxx

[lozza]

mrs... ummmm:p

almost broke down in tears with my counsellor...

hmmm anyone wanna guess what I am doing right now? sorry:(

[Sigma]

crying with your counsellor is a good thing isn't it?! I usually spend my sessions in floods of tears...

hang on in there xxx

[-Rainbow-]

dont be sorry lovely.
its the only way you know how to cope right now so dont be too harsh on yourself, be kind to yourself.
im glad to see you made it back home safely, we will get you through this you toughie :)
xx

[HarryMonk]

hmmm anyone wanna guess what I am doing right now?

Knocking back lots of wine?
So what lady we are what we are. My dustbin is full of beercans & not much else... I hate drink (nobody speakin to me again ffs) but cant be without it either.

Bottom line... It really p isses me off so why do I keep doin it? Habit, addiction or just to forget?

I fear the latter. If I keep this up much longer I wont even remeber my own name.

Take care my lovely

Harry Monk xxx

[lozza]

thanks guys

I think I will call the withdrawal nurse today and ask him whats happening to my referral with the D and A counsellor

...I cant keep going this way anymore. I need something to change but at the same time I know I cant do this alone anymore. I NEED professional help and support. I want my life back.

[HarryMonk]

Make lots of noises Mrs Lozza. There is help available but be warned, you end up filling in athousand forms & tellin people all sorts of irrelevant stuff.

(Last form I filled in I said I was big, black & gay lol.

Look on their face when I tipped up was a hoot pmsl. See there is a plus to drinkin.

Your friend Harry Monk XXX
Im not big Im not black & Im not gay LOL

[-Rainbow-]

im happy to see you want your life back thats so awesome. because wanting to have a life and have your life back is great. its awful to realise drinking has consumed you though, but then you will do good things with knowing that. let us know how calling the withdrawal nurse goes. xx

[lozza]

*update*

well I called the withdrawal nurse, asked what was happening.. he called me back before and I am now off the waiting list and have an apt to see the d and a counsellor in two weeks...

things are bad right now... but hopefully the next two weeks go fast...

[Sigma]

good call - at least there's something to work towards now :)

[lozza]

thank you

[jonikd]

that's my girl Loz, you are doing the right thing and the fact you want your life back and are admitting the problem is the biggest start. You weren't ready for those words when we walked along the river huh. I'm doing the same, going to knock it on the head for a few months to see what my life actually is like.

I'm still here for you Little One

*hugs*

[-Rainbow-]

*hugs hugs hugs*
you are doing SO well at this, you are keeping up with your log, you are going to your appointments and i know it doesnt seem like you are doing all the much... but you really are fighting. a lot of you is fighting and thats probably why you dont have much energy at the moment. its great to see you are not giving up.
listen to that song i downloaded for you.. its been on repete on my computer for a few hours now :P it helps!

Jonikd, thats awesome to knock the problem on its head and see what life is really like, great advice and awesome you are doing that :)

[lozza]

thanks guys
am trying

...13 days to go:s

[lozza]

*update*

well after posting my last post here and before work this morning, R called me (the withdrawal nurse)

he said he got the sense that on monday things were worse than I was leading on, that I needed help and support now and couldnt wait another 13 days to get it

so now
I see the d and a counsellor on monday... so now have 5 days to go
and I think I can actually last that long.. but the weekend, the weekend
I think the weekend will be the worst:s

[Sigma]

that's great! that you have an earlier appointment that is... :)

the weekends are horrible - how many hours to go until the appt?

[lozza]

the weekends are horrible - how many hours to go until the appt?

I dont know.... 5 days tho...

[Sigma]

countdown...!

[lozza]

4 days now... hmmm

[-Rainbow-]

you are doing the right thing... countdowns are good and helpful xx

[Sigma]

that's 20% of the waiting over!

[xbeckyx]

Not too long to get through now hun, you can do this!
Please keep strong. I'm so pleased you're getting the support you deserve and need.

[lozza]

thanks becky

I am just so scared about this weekend:s
I hope I can keep safe through it and actually make it to monday
I am just feeling so scared

I couldnt even sleep last night, it is 5am here and the night went so slow

I dont know if I can do this right now

[lozza]

really bad chest pains right now and once again early this morning I had bad delusions

I just cant do this... I am so close to the apt tomorrow but yet so far away from it. I am scared. What if I cant do this? What if I cant make it:s

[Sigma]

Monday's here! what time's your appt?

[lozza]

has come and gone

she was nice. very down to earth and friendly. she is proud of me with speaking out and getting help... even more so cuz I have been filling in the alcohol diary I was given when I was first assessed...

I am seeing her again next week

my hw from now till then... is having a bottle of * to last 3 days and to help me with that I gota portion the bottle into 3 smaller ones (so then I am limiting how much I drink!)

just so numb right now
tonight I cant even drink cuz I am too scared and frightened of my parents knowing (I had way too much to drink last night and well lets just say my parents searched my room today for alcohol and last night my mum called my pdoc..)

a big part of me doesnt even wana be living right now

[-Rainbow-]

Lozzy!!
thats awesome news about the counsellor, you really needed that appointment to lift your day and add some brightness to it.
im so glad it was a good experience.
tats a great idea about portion control by splitting it in 3. i like the sound of that, good tip for people too.
let us know how it works for you
*bigs hugs* sorry again about your parents finding out....
xx

[lozza]

I am not even talking to them right now... I feel betrayed and so little
I hate them for being in control even when I go out and get the help myself.. its like I can never win against them

I long for independence and a chance to fix things on my on accord
but I never can... they are never far away from belittling me and taking all the control I long to have in my life away

I give up!

(oh and 'they' being my parents)

woke up very disorientated and having bad chest pains
and I know this is not a smart move but a big part of me doesnt want to drink again tonight in hope I may have seizures or even better... die

what a turn around... I am seeing an ending by actually not drinking
:s

[HarryMonk]

ewwww horrible