Really lose in myself

[Craig B.]

Hi guys,

Been a long time since i've shown my face around here, but i'm really struggling at the moment and I'm wondering if anyone can help.

Recently i've been feeling really conflicted and to be honest mest up mentally. I've had rapidly rotating bouts of emotions; from real, raw, powerful anger, to the point where the other day i spent 15 minutes punching the shed in the back garden just to get it out. Then next minute i'll be inconsolably depressed and really broken down to tears.

My life has dramatically changed over the last year and half or so, to start with my ex found out she was pregnant and dumped me shortly after. That was the pinnacle of a manipulative relationship, in which i was used from start to finish, with being a sperm doner being the grand finale. Obviously my daughter was born 9 months later, who i now see probably once a month tops. I think predominantly because i fear my ex demanding money, that i really am unable to give.
At the time i also underwent weight loss surgery, 16 months on from that i've lost 15 and a half stone, 218.4 for any of my brethering from accross the pond. Whilst this feels wonderful and i feel like i've got a new lease on life, there's a dramatic side effect of loose skin, which is seriously knocking my self confidence. With the weight loss surgery, I also experienced alot of vomitting at first after eating, but recently it's a pretty regular occurance, usually if i feel full (damn near always after eating anything), I think i make myself sick, cos i'd rather that then feel full. Worrying i might be becomming, is it beleamic? but i just cant stop it.
Also not attracting any female attention, which is really knocking my self confidence, as i never thought i was a particularly bad looking guy, but my size was the serious problem. Since i've dropped all the weight, i thought i'd have more success, but a big fat zero.
Just over a year ago, i also left work, after my ex dumped me, i thought new start and all and decided to go back to uni. Consequently the lack of income now, means im struggling to do anything fun or go out and enjoy myself. I'm trying to find work, but obviously being the summer, most jobs have been filled quite a while ago.
Uni is going great, but not alot of similar or like minded people on the course, so not really making any great friends either.

I'm generally feeling that not alot is going right atm. No finances, hardly any local friends, the fear of seein my ex when i visit my daughter, the real sense of lonliness and a feeling of unatrativeness.

To sum it up, i really feel like my mind is tightening and i'm battling my own thoughts and feelings to try to hold any kind of sanity. My parents are constantly asking what is wrong and telling me i'm not being myself, but i don't remember what myself is. As far as i know, i'm just being me, but these thoughts and feelings i'm having might be changing me. I've given serious thought to speaking to my doctor and trying to get to a counsillor, but i don't know if i'd just be wasting their time.

If it wasn't for the fact that i am have these rotations of emotional outbursts, i'd think i'm going back to a place i was stuck in shortly before i met my ex, when i felt nothing, i felt like a robot, so i'm kinda thankful for the pain and anger and upset i feel, but it's not normal is it, to have these outbursts so randomly and so strongly. I just don't know what to do or how to control them or how to move forward.

I'm sorry for this guys and i know this whole thing is quite sporadic and non-sensical, but i just feel like my mind and my thoughts and detereorating, like i'm losing control of my humanity and just becomming a living ball of emotions and a real mix at that.

[teenytineytori]

You have had an incredible about of change happen recently:
Became a dad
Lost A LOT of weight
Look different
moved
different finances
single
left job
started school

I wouldn't say how you are dealing with your emotions is normal but it is normal to have a lot of emotions and be stressed out with all of those things happening.

I think talking to your doctor about getting a counselor is a good idea. And you should do that.

If you are at Uni, there may be clubs or something that you could join or volunteer organizations. Maybe you could get involved with that meet some people and have some low/no cost fun.

Take care

[moke]

I think you should discuss this with your doctor. As teenytineytori said, you have been through a HELL of a lot lately.

Regarding the skin thing - I think it's possible to get surgery on the NHS to remove this, if it's deemed to be having a negative impact on your mental health (which it appears to be doing), so perhaps worth discussing this with your GP as well.

You also need to talking about the bulimia worries with someone - it's not something you should handle alone.

The female attention thing - you could be the best looking guy in the world, but if you don't ave that confidence shining through it doesn't matter. I think you need to try and resolve your confidence/other issues before looking for love.

So um.. yea I could have said that much quicker! See your GP, tell them what you said here. If it's difficult, print out what you typed and show them that.

I hope it works out for you :)

[jen-x]

I think you should see your gp. Your worries about your emotions alone is enough of a concern, without things such as the bulimia on top of this. I agree though, you have been through a lot of changes and counselling might help.

jen x