I don't want to be better..?

[Poppers]

This is sort of embarrassing to admit so...yeah.

I don't think I want to be better. Well I don't know. Obviously I DO, I mean I'm seeking help, trying to fight things myself, etc. But a part of me doesn't want to let it go. For the record, I have depression, ED problems, occasional SH, and I'm questioning anxiety (social mainly) and BDD. Also IBS.

So let's take the EDs - I really really really want to get over them (starving and overeating, plus chocolate addiction). But because I was thinking about this topic anyway, I sort of realised that underneath all of that, if I got back to being healthy etc, there's a part of me that wants to not eat much, be 'strong' (that's how I see starving) etc. Overeating is my big problem at the moment, not starving really. I starved to lose weight, I want to stop overeating and lose weight, and underneath it all I think that will still be there. But then maybe because even though my eating is in the 'overeating' place, my head is part 'overeating' (comfort) but also very much in the 'starving' place? However I definitely 100% want to beat my IBS (it's a digestive 'syndrome', not serious but debilitating and it's ruining my life). But then that's a physical problem, not mental. Although the effects of it means it links in to the EDs and BDD - bloated stomach mainly - and I don't know how much is bloat and how much is fat so it makes me want to lose weight even more.

SH - I made a topic about this, I don't do it much, I don't really feel compulsion to do it, but I don't think it's bad (although I know it is really) and I don't want to let it go. Which leads me on to the depression, BDD and possibly anxiety; it's a part of me and I don't want to let it go! I mean yes I want to be happy, yes I want to live, but...Ok this is really weird but when I get a boyfriend (as if! haha) I want him to know all about it and support me and look after me, and I think I 'want' to be all upset/feeling ugly/etc and have him hug me and reassure me and all of that. And I want to cut (I won't go into it, but I've been considering a new, more private place) in this place and have him see it and be all shocked and concerned and look after me. And I want to be that person who thinks she's ugly even though she's pretty (I'm not pretty, I'm ugly, but say I do have BDD, that may mean I am pretty but can't see it (although then there's the debate of can you have BDD AND be ugly? Also I bet I don't have BDD I'm just ugly and need to accept it), and I think a pretty girl thinking she's not pretty at all is cute, I wouldn't want to be aware of how pretty I am (I'm not though :'()

I'm not an attention-seeker though! I just don't get it. Am I crazy?!?!?!? Trying to look at it from an outsider's point of view, maybe it just means I'm crying out for comfort/love? Haha. But I mean, why do I feel like this?!?!?

Any help appreciated :) x

[88shelz]

not everyone wants to recover at certain points in their lives. there will come a day thought that you decide that you would like to recover.

[HopeRises]

I don't think your crazy.
I actually understand where your coming from and can relate.
I don't want to 'get better' either.
I just don't see the point of it.
I'm always going to have some of the **** in my life (Like how I fail at everything I try, how I can't pass an exam to save my life etc etc)
And so I guess I think I'll only get hurt again if I get better- wether it's myself/depression returning or what.

But like Shelz said, people do go through stages of 'not wanting to get better' getting better is a huge deal. It's a scary thought.
(and thats whats getting me at the moment)
But, from my experience of 'being better' albiet not for long. It was so much better than where I am right now. Even though it did all come back.

[whirlpools]

There's loads of reasons why someone might not want to, or might be ambivalent about recovery. Don't feel bad, and don't feel abnormal either because I imagine it's something a lot of us have thought about in our lives!

For me, I fear (amongst about a bazillion other things) that if I get better, it minimises the effect that past traumas have had on me. I mean, if I got better, why would people believe that the past was as distressing as it was?

I think something that might help is to do some therapeutic work of some sort in an aim to find out what your reasons are for being ambivalent about recovery. Though it sounds like you're doing some good work on understanding yourself already.

[Cedrus]

ive had this struggle before but i didnt really understand it. Now theres a part of me that wants to get better but also a part that wants to self destruct. Ive discussed this with my therapist, theres a bit of me that wants to stay ill as they get 'looked after' by professionals. Some people may see that as being an attention seeker but and i was scared of that too but ive learnt its a lot more complicated - due to having major issues with my mum and not really having her look after me. Also, sometimes i find it bloody scary to live! It feels safer sometimes being depressed and staying in my room all the time.

I dont think your crazy at all. Lots of people have all sorts of thoughts and feelings, just some dont get talked about often.

Good luck on the process of finding the part of you that wants to get better and recoevery :)