:(

[Accidentally Abstract]

I just need help.
I need support.
I very rarely post on here any more for various reasons, but I really just need some support right now.
I don't even know what to say.
I just feel awful. :(

[HopeRises]

Hey Luce, Do you know whats caused you to feel awful? Has anything happened?

*hugs*
I hope you feel better soon.

[Accidentally Abstract]

Everything that's been going on lately.
Plus I've just been having a really awful time with my depression in the last few weeks.
I feel so rubbish it's unreal.

[Droplet]

((((Luce))))

I was just thinking about you - seriously! I've missed you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so dreadful. If you can, talk about it here? What does the depression feel like? Anything triggered it? This might sound extremely stupid, forgive me if so, but do you know what might help you to feel better?

Things can get better.

I care and I'm here for you. Love Miranda. xxx

[Accidentally Abstract]

I've missed you too Miranda. I've missed having a support network. I miss you all. I feel so lonely at the moment.

The depression just feels so heavy. It feels so.. Empty. I've had a lot of stress & a load of work to do & I was doing okay for a while with it & thriving on the pressure for a few days, but I'm just not cut out for it. & I've been having suicidal thoughts & less & less friends now care about me, & my girlfriend left me, & then last night one of my best friends shouted at me &.. It's all just been horrible for a while.

I just honestly can't believe that I have much to live for at the moment. I feel so empty & numb & like nothing's worth anything any more.

I don't know what could make me feel better. I know that I should take my meds, but I can't afford the prescription & I was feeling crap before I came off them anyway..

I don't know what to do with myself. Right now, or in general.
I'm a joke. Even my best friends think it. I'm utterly worthless & I hate myself now more than ever. I thought this was supposed to get better with age, not worse.. :(

x

[Droplet]

Well, love, I can see how all those things are piling on top of you and getting you down. It's understandable and I wish I had a magic wand to wave and 'fix' things, I really do.

Is there anything going well? Anything you do enjoy? I don't mean to dismiss your problems but right now perhaps you need a 'good' focus. Anything good to pull you through, even if it's just a memory or thought or something you wanna do when you're older, etc...

Because it is possible to get better and feel better. You have to try and trust it is possible which is the hardest thing when you're in the depths. I do that by remembering other people do and I am no different. You may be very prone to depressive thoughts and feelings but it's learning how to cope. I know I sound like a doctor there, but recently I was in a manic depression fellowship meeting and we were talking about what recovery means to people and strangely it doesn't always mean the synptoms go away - though for some it does -, in actual fact lots thought it meant building a good support system, valueing themselves, seeing the world more positively and many more things. So basically what I'm getting at is a change of perspective and, yes, some hard work.

Do you think you are worthless because of recent events or is it a longstanding belief? What is it that makes you worthless? Because I don't believe you are, not at all!

Have you tried any form of counselling/therapy recently? That's a possibility.

xxx

[Accidentally Abstract]

Thanks hon.

Not much is going well, I'll be honest. I'm not liking uni at the moment, although at least the lectures are a bit more interesting (there's one positive I suppose!) & things in my house have gone completely crazy to the point that I came home early from uni today because I couldn't stand being in my own house..

I don't feel like I have many friends, but I suppose I'm glad for the closest ones I do have, even if they have recently all moved further away & I don't get to see them as much..

I don't feel that my family want me around as much. It's my first day back home & my mum's already had a go at me & I begged both my mum & sister to come & visit me this weekend before I knew that I was going to end up having to leave, & none of them would even though I've been having a really tough time with my depression (which I never usually even let them know, so that was a big deal for me..).

I suppose my job's going quite well in the fact that I mostly enjoy it. I'm nannying for a little seven year old boy, but I'm also job sharing with the friend who shouted at me in my bedroom last night, so.. Heh. Fun times.

Money's a big issue as well. & I've got a lot of uni work - I'm doing two more modules than everyone else on my course this year because I messed up last year as usual.

My mentor at uni who I love has just left & I'm having to get a new one, in my final year, when I've built up a brilliant, trusting relationship with her & she knows me & what I've got to do &..

I just don't have the strength for any of this any more. I'm so lost. & I don't feel like I have the energy or motivation to even try to drag myself out of this. I just want to give in. I've got no will to do anything else.

& I've always thought I was worthless.. It's just getting stronger & stronger as I get more & more convinced that even the people closest to me think the same thing.

I've not had therapy or counselling recently. I had it before but it didn't do much. I think it was supposed to be being arranged.. & group therapy was mentioned at some point, but I've just been so disorganised, unreliable & unmotivated that I've just completely lost track of what the local psych team were doing.. The paperwork's probably got lost.. I was probably meant to phone them to arrange something or whatever.. But I told my GP that I was useless & she said she'll get on to them & find out what's going on with it, so we'll see.

Eugh, sorry guys. :(

[Alone and Scared]

I don't have anything wonderful to say, I just wanted to leave a massive cuddle and tell you that you CAN do this. <3 xx