crashing again

[Cacoethes]

i was doing so well
i wasnt feeling suicidal for a long time
i was almost happy

but im crashing now
i dont see the point in carrying on
cut my arm to pieces and need to do more
it makes me cry when i think about it
my mum would be so upset
but i cant carry on
why cant i be happy?
i want to be happy
i want to be normal
but its never going to happen
im hopeless
never ever ever ever ever ever going to be happy
might as well just end it and be done with it
cant tell anyone
they would be so disappointed with me
:crying:

[Cacoethes]

i wish they would get out of my head
cant cope with them here
no one cares
thats what they keep saying
no one cares
no one cares
no one cares
no one cares
no one cares

[tamobhuuta]

they are wrong, i care. sorry about your arm, have you taken good care of your cuts? are you still seeing the EIP team? can you speak to them? things will get better.

[hle]

feeling suicidal isnt a sign that youre not doing well hun. it means youre having a real rough time and youre struggling. it doesnt mean youve let anyone down. you cannot help it if that is how you feel. none of us choose to feel like that. part of self harming and this illness- which is what i firmly believe it is- is that our head tells us all these alwful things about ourselves, because thats what this illness wants. It wants us to think that of ourself and to hurt ourselves. DONT GIVE IN TO IT.
has something triggered this off do you think?
please keep safe, and take each second at a time.
x x x

[Cacoethes]

my cuts are clean
they should be ok
im not sure what has triggered this off
i dont think im meant to be happy

my eip worker is calling me tomorrow
and seeing me on friday
i want to tell her im not ok
but i can never tell if the voices will let me or not

[tamobhuuta]

can you practise saying it out loud to yourself? soemtimes that helped me say things, despite the Voice.

[Cacoethes]

ill try

im feeling so low
im crying for no reason
i want to stop crying
i want the voices to go away
i wish they would
i cant cope

[Cacoethes]

i just want to die
:crying:

ive made a plan now
i dont know when yet
just want it to end

im sorry
im being stupid
im being pathetic
im sorry

[ella1]

Oh i'm sorry i just seen this! Hold off on the plan at least until you have spoken to eip worker. Keep holding on please. I care about you and believe you can be happy, unfortunately i do not know WHEN :( xxx

[tamobhuuta]

did your EIP worker call? keep hanging on there xxx

[Cacoethes]

my eip worker texted me and said she was too busy to call me
:crying:

im not important
im hopeless
im nothing

[tamobhuuta]

you ARE important. sometimes people are busy and don't realise how much we need them. do you feel like talkign to a 'real' person would help - is there an out of hours number you can call?

[Cacoethes]

everytime i talk to a helpline they tell me to go to a&e
they never help
they cant be bothered to help me
they must have heard of me
read my notes
not worth helping

[tamobhuuta]

could you go to A&E?

[Cacoethes]

no
then my mum would know something is wrong
she would have to take me
shes already having a go at me for cutting

its always the same
wait in a&e for hours
get asked the same questions over and over
and get admitted for a week

i think i want help though
i suppose i will have to wait

sorry if im rambling

[Cacoethes]

my eip worker couldnt call again

i know shes avoiding me
i know it
shes using the, im busy excuse
she said she would call
she said yesterday that she was busy and would call today
she said today she was busy and would call tomorrow
i bet she doesnt
she doesnt want to see me

I CANT DEAL WITH THIS ALONE
:crying:

im so pathetic

[hle]

It won't be that she doesn't want to talk to you. I know how it feels like that...I still have a problem ringing people if I need help because I think they won't want to hear from me...that I'm not worth it. But that is this illness. It tells us these things. BUT IT IS NOT THE TRUTH. You are worth everything, and you do NOT deserve to be in pain.
Please please please remember too that you aren't alone in this. It feels like it I know. But again, that is what this shitty disease wants us to think.
x x x

[ella1]

Your not pathetic hun. Really now, i mean that! I'm sure she's not avoiding you, but i understand why you might feel like she is. Nobody can do this alone, we all need somebody and i wish i could be there for you more, in person like. But at least you have ryl? we are all here for you xxx

[Cacoethes]

thanks

i really dont know what i would do without ryl
im trying to distract myself
but i cant stop crying
i feel so abandoned
its not only that
things build up over time and comes in waves
sometimes im ok
sometimes i just cant cope
today is one of those days where i cant cope

[hle]

You know what though? I know those days are awful, but the fact that some days are ok just goes to show there is some hope. I know ok doesnt mean good or happy...but its not that dark awful place. And when you feel like youre in that place- like today- you can come on here...and whilst as Ella said we can't be with you in person...we are here for. We are sending you lots of love and strength.
Do you feel abandoned by your eip? Or other people too?
keep safe
x x x
x x x

[Cacoethes]

i do feel abandoned by her
and sometimes i feel abandoned by my friends
it makes me upset
like no one cares
or other people are way more important than i am
which is probably true anyway

[hle]

That isnt true.
Each and everyone one of us is important...only we cant see it.
Have you told her you feel abandoned by her?
Have you spoken to your friends? Are they supportive of you?
I care. Everyone on here cares. And I imagine your friends, family and eip do too.
I know its hard to believe it when someone says that when you feel so unhappy, but I'm going to keep saying it because its true. You are cared for, and you deserve to be.
x x x

[Cacoethes]

thanks

im scared that my friends will get annoyed
ive tried to talk to them before
they get angry and say im being paranoid
they are sometimes supportive
they used to come and visit me in hospital

im going to tell my eip worker how i feel
ill try anyway

i really dont know what i would do without all you guys here

[hle]

Its difficult with friends...particularly if they dont understand how you feel or what you do (self harming). A bit like parents, they can get angry or defensive because they WANT to be there for you...but because the dont understand it, they dont know how to. The anger isnt directed AT you though. It is at the situation. Why do you think they'll get annoyed? Perhaps just see if you can meet up with them or spend some time with them...maybe ask if they could come visit you? You dont have to go into details with them about how you feel if you dont think it will be productive.
And well done :) talking to your eip would be brilliant. Scarey I know. But it would be fantastic.
x x x

[Cacoethes]

they always get annoyed when i feel like this
they just dont get it
its the same with my parents
my siblings just avoid me when im like this

i keep randomly bursting into tears
so im lurking around ryl to distract myself

[hle]

well youre in the right place my love.
no they dont get it. that doesnt mean youre in the wrong or anything. its not a reflection on you ok? Siblings, friends...anyone...however they behave towards you in regards to this stuff...is because of their understanding or lack of
x x x

[Cacoethes]

ive decided to cancel my meeting with my eip worker on friday
ill text her tomorrow

[hle]

Why are you cancelling it?
x x

[Cacoethes]

i dont want to see her
im too upset

i know it sounds pathetic
but she probably has someone more deserving to see

[hle]

That isnt true hun.
And I can understand that you feel too upset, but that is exactly why you should see her.
Keep safe
x x x

[Cacoethes]

i need to see her

im just not sure if i want to

im just over reacting
but thats how i feel right now

ive managed not to cut all day
but now ive blown it

hate myself

[hle]

Ok, well how about, dont cancel it for now? Just wait and see how youre feeling about it tomorrow...and come back on here or talk to someone before you make a decision.
I wouldnt say youre overeacting...when we feel like this its simply how it is. Its not overeacting.
Well done on not cutting all day! Thats fantastic.
Im sorry you have now...but it doesnt mean youve blown it. Youve done well to not do it all day.
Make sure you keep the new one clean.
Do you think it has actually helped?
x x x

[Cacoethes]

i dont know.
it usually helps for a little bit

im going to bed now
ill see how i feel tomorrow

night
x

[hle]

Thing is, it seems like it helps...but it doesnt. It doesnt change the situation. Please remember, next time you feel triggered, that there are ways to get through those feelings without cutting that arent damaging.
Sweet dreams x x x

[ella1]

I think Hle said it best, in that we are here with you in spirit at least! I hate when people ask if your ok and we reply yes, ok and they assume all is well. Whilst it isn't, it is not the worst, dark place and so we should assume this is what they mean (although it isn't really). You likely to speak to eip tomorrow? Is there anyone else you can speak to whilst your in this desperate state? xxx

[ella1]

Sorry i only saw page 2 after i sent that reply! Hope i ain't screwed it up too much! Much loves xxx

[Cacoethes]

thanks

my eip worker called today and said she is very sorry but another patient was ill
she is seeing me tomorrow
im going to tell her im annoyed with her
if i feel like cutting i will come on here
it usually helps
:blush:

[hle]

Well I'm glad she did call...sorry she didnt get to see you or speak to you properly today but I'm pleased you'll see her tomorrow :)
And those things sound positive :)
x x x

[Cacoethes]

yep

im also going to tell her something ive never told anyone off ryl
im very nervous
im scared she will judge me for it
im not going to go into much detail about that because ive already posted a thread in abuse and bullying support

im afraid ive cut again
im not even sure why
:s

[hle]

I don't know what it is, but I'm positive she won't judge you for it. It is terrifying opening up...but thats just the fear of the unknown as such.
Often I used to cut without being 'triggered' by anything in particular. But that is because deep deep down all the things that cause you pain and hurt are still there...in your subconscious. Only because they haven't yet been dealt with. Its brilliant though that you may speak to your eip about this issue...its only when we start doing this we can truly start to heal. However scary and hard it seems.
make sure you keep your new ones clean...and if you need to get treatment for them PLEASE do.
Lots of love
x x x
x x x

[Cacoethes]

im keeping them clean

im going to visit my nan on the weekend
so i wont be able to cut
i am a bit worried about not being able to do it

is there anything i can do, is there anything that works?
i cant go that long without doing it
i really cant

[tamobhuuta]

have you tried using an elastic band? some people find that helps. maybe it'll be helpful to be somewhere you can't cut, give you a bit of space? keep talking, on RYL when you can but most importanly to the people around you. you don't have to tell them 'everything' if you don't want to but if something's bothering you it's ok to talk to people about it