od *updated*

[quiet1]

i am putting this post here even tho i posted it in the mhdiscussion. no one responded and its been hours. i don't know how much longer i can wait. so...i am sorry that i am a selfish f.ucker. i didn't mean to take up time and space. i am sorry. i know i don't deserve anyone to help. its ultimately my responsibility. and there are people who have real problems. i really should just stop. i should shut up and fade away. and i am even debating not sending this because its not fair for me to ask for help when others are suffering. i will go with the idea that i am irrational right now because my mind has made a decision to not be.

i have decided that i need to overdose. i have never intentionally done it and i wish i had died when it was an accidental od. even tho it would have been sad for my family...they would be over it by now. that was 10 years ago. i want to avoid everything. death is ultimate avoidance. there would be no work, arguments, pressure, deadlines, conferences, people getting pissed off at me, people hating me, feeling paranoid. and i don't care if i NEVER experience another good thing. i want to avoid those too. i hate myself and do not deserve good things.

i have all i need to do this. and even though my bf is home i can still do it. everyone will be better off. happier even. all i do is cause harm. and i need to put a stop to it.

[I.Heart.And]

I'm sorry that no one responded to you in MH, maybe they didn't know what to say. Try not to think of it as a negative reflection on you.
I'm sure nobody hates you. If you are finding your job so stressful and unpleasant then maybe you should consider getting a different one. You do deserve positive things in life, I'm sorry to read that you are feeling so bad about yourself (hugs)
Are you seeing a professional about how you feel? If not then I think it might be a good idea.
No one will be better off if you die. You will miss out on so much and people around you will be crushed emotionally for a lot longer than you realise. It will effect them for life.
How are you feeling now?
I hope you have managed to keep yourself safe.
x

[Tig]

Sorry, I am not in a very good place myself right now so am struggling to give good advice but I wanted to let you know that I have read and care.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low and desperate. I promise you that nobody will be better off without you, I am sure your boyfriend cares very much for you and would be devastated if he lost you. Your family will never get over losing you, I don't say that to be harsh but it's true, they are your family and they love you so much - please don't doubt that. You are worthy of their love.

I really am sorry you feel this bad and I hope you can get some help. If there is anything I can do, please feel free to PM me. I may not be very good at advice right now but I can listen and offer hugs.

Take care sweetheart, I hope you can get through this. xx

[quiet1]

i am sorry. didn't mean to cause any trouble. i am unfortunately ok. i didn't od. still want to. but i won't. i am too pathetic to even do that.
sometimes i get so emotional that i can't handle it and i just need it to stop for a time being. i try to walk away and it doesn't work. i say i need space and it doesn't work. i say i am getting even more upset and it doesn't work. its like the goal for him is to make me completely flip out. so...i do. i flipped out. on me. its better to flip out on me then to flip out on him.

i seriously wish i had died when i was supposed to back in 1999. maybe i am more on edge because its an anniversary of that time?

i am seeing my therapist tomorrow. oh goodie.

[I.Heart.And]

I'm really glad that you are okay.
I think you SHOULD flip out at him. It's him that drives you to that state so take it out on him and show him what he's doing to you.
x

[quiet1]

thanks serendipity. i know that i should let it out rather than hold it in, but for me it is easier said than done. (probably the same for lots of people here)

i did tell him that it makes me want to kill myself when he does x,y, z. and he just says sorry. i don't really want an "im sorry" i just want him to listen to me when i say i have had enough. no arguing. i can't handle it. i just shut down. and then i get to a place where i just want to kill myself right there in the freaking grocery store. i was in the medical supply aisle. and i just stared at all of the boxes of pills. and imagined myself taking them all. ew.

i sometimes wish he could read my mind. i wish lots of people could read my mind. then they would know when to back off. i hide my emotion well and then people don't know when they have upset me. grrrrrrrr. then its back to the beginning. tell them. :blink:

[I.Heart.And]

If he's making you so unhappy, why are you staying with him?
You could try writing down how bad you feel when you are at your worst and showing the writing to him. Maybe ask him to write back to show that he has made the effort to take it in and form a response to how you feel.
x