Hopeless.

[mesmerized.]

I'm sorry, I should stop posting. I just feel completely hopeless. Things are so bad and it hurts so much that I do not want to keep doing this.

I feel like I shouldn't be here, anyway. I feel like everyone hates me, I am a thoroughly useless person, I contribute nothing to anyone/anything.

All I can see is night after night like this and there has to be a point where I say 'enough'.

I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I can't see the point. I'm sorry, I know this is incredibly stupid and selfish and I don't know what I'm asking for.. I just need a reason to keep going.

[Snow White.]

You don't have to stop posting Hannah, especially when you're feeling so hopeless. Hope is so important when facing struggles, so the fact you're describing yourself as hopeless worries me. What do you think is contributing to your hope being taken away? Are there any nice things or good times you could focus on, and remember that it's not always going to be this bad?

Recovery is possible, even if you're in a down slump now it can improve and things can get better for you. That's your reason to keep going - that none of this is set in stone and (hopefully soon) things will start to get better. And then in the future, this will be a distant memory. But until then, you need to remember you have to be alive to see all that for it to happen.

I truly believe things are going to get better for you. You have the insight, you know what is going on, and on an intellectual level I bet you know too that this isn't going to be "forever". Now you've just got to make sure you can get through the bad parts to see the good, yeah?

How did things go with the support person you were seeing?

And I highly doubt people here hate you. You're Hannah. I mean, c'mon darling, I get excited to see you online! You were mentioned in the ezine *nods*. You're not insignificant, I can assure you. The support you give here is so amazing, you contribute more than I would ever expect you too, so please don't feel bad about that. You are an important part of this website & I believe that.

I have to run now, but please don't stop posting. You can get through this - and even if you can't see the point now, there is one, and it's that thigns will get better and you have to be around for that to happen. Please hold on, Hannah.

You'll make it through this.
xxxxxxxx

[mesmerized.]

Aimee, thank you. That almost made me cry (in a good way!).

See, I do know that this probably isn't forever, that things will get better. But even if they do, it will come back. Every time, I think things are okay and I'm going to be fine, and then I'm just not anymore. I don't seem to have any control over it and I really can't keep doing it. If I have to keep doing this, the good bits don't seem worth it. It only seems sensible to give up now.

Yeah, I've seen the person from student support a couple of times and I'm seeing her again this week. It's okay, she's nice. It kind of helps to know I'm not totally on my own in this anymore, someone 'real' knows. But I can't talk to her, and it's nothing to do with what we're talking about or who she is, I just don't have the energy to connect with anyone. And when just getting through each day seems impossible, I can't really see how checking in with someone once a week is going to help.

I'm already so behind with work, and I've cut myself off from friends so much, that I can't see how it's fixable even if I could find the motivation to try.

Eh, sorry, I'm being difficult. Thank you for the reply, it really does mean a lot. And thanks guys for the hugs, I do appreciate it.

[xsweetxeternityx]

you're not stupid an selfish, you just need help. Not everybody hates you, you have us all here on RYL who will be here whenever you need us.
*hugs* I am here if you ever need to talk, just don't give up, there is always hope
xxxx

[mesmerized.]

Thanks sweetie, it means a lot that you took the time to reply.

I feel.. I don't know, better I think. I guess I know that I will keep going because really I don't have a choice. It's just so damn hard right now, and I don't really know how. Like today was a 'good' day, but that meant that I made it to a lecture and started tidying up my room. And I am so behind with everything and it keeps piling up and I just don't see a way through this. I know I'm being stupid and really it's not that bad but it just hurts so much.

Sorry to keep rambling here. I just need to put it somewhere.

[rach]

I admit that I don't know you very well, but I just wanted to pick up on something you said - that you feel useless and like you don't contribute anything. I just want to let you know, I've seen several replies of yours in here, and you are most definitely NOT useless. Your replies to others are clearly well-thought out, and you take time to construct them ... you DO contribute to others, I've seen it with my own eyes!

You're not stupid. Things sound really difficult right now, and most everyone would struggle in your shoes. Keep going though, i know you can do this xxx

[HopeRises]

I don't know what to say Hannah, I have no words. I just wanted to let you know I read, I care and I'm thinking of you.

[Snow White.]

I wonder if after getting to know her a little bit better, you'll be able to connect? I don't think you're stupid - what you're facing is hard and it's good that you've had a day where you can clean your room and go to a lecture. I am well aware that when things are bad, being able to get better for a bit of time just to clean my room can be very good for headspace.

I know you've said you don't have any control over this, but I wonder if you have a small amount that you can identify? Such as, if you are having a bad day and doing something good for yourself, does it help to ease the darkness for (even a small) time? I believe there are little things you can do that will help either prolong or reduce the depressed feelings, and those little things are in your hands. I know sometimes it's hard to do them, but if you can, it does show that you are, ultimately, in control.

Anyway, how are you doing now?
I've been thinking about you.
xxx

[mesmerized.]

Thank you guys.
Aimee, thanks. I'm sure you're right about having some level of control over this, I just can't see it right now. None of the usual suggestions seem to help, or else I honestly don't have the energy to try; trying to socialise leaves me feeling awkward and out of place, and worse than before. Getting out doesn't make any difference, I'm just outside feeling like crap instead of inside feeling like crap. Doing nice things for myself doesn't help because of the part of me that keeps screaming that I don't deserve it. I don't know. I guess I need to not give up and keep healthy behaviours and such going for a longer period of time and it might help.

Now? Things are bad bad bad. I can't sit still, can't think straight, don't feel safe at all. Scared.

Sorry.

Thank you xxx

[Snow White.]

Oh, I know, it's never easy to get control over it, not when it's severe and sometimes not even when it is mild. It's there, deep down, and I want you to know that so that if you have the energy you can feel empowered to change.. often it's not something that can be done alone but certainly, you are more powerful than you think, munchkin :D

I agree that not giving up is a good idea. Even if they don't help now, maybe they'll have a cumulative effect and will work slowly to help you feel better.

You don't need to apologised. Has anything happened to make you feel this unsafe and scared?

Remember, I love you!
xxx

[mesmerized.]

Oh, thank you, you're amazing <3
You're right about needing to not give up and keep going, and I will keep trying.
Nothing has happened to cause this. I have no idea, but it really is awful.
I'm sure I'll feel better soon.

Thank you all so much for your support. xxxxxx

[Snow White.]

I do hope you feel better soon Hannah, you deserve too, and you're doing all the right things too. Of which I am very proud :)

Keep on writing if you need to, you don't have to go through this alone.
xxxxxx

[Droplet]

Hannah. <3

Post, post, post. It's ever so much better to get things out.

It sounds a lot like you're feeling crap about yourself? This sounds like an important thing going on for you.. On a personal level, you are a good person! You are funny and kind and sensitive and thoughtful and beautiful and lots more good words. Otherwise, perhaps you're comparing yourself? With who you used to be, who you want to be, or other people maybe I don't know.

Darling, no one is perfect. And if we're honest, when we feeling so depressed it only makes it easier to think horrible things about ourselves.. by the way we can behave. But I don't think behaviour is a correct way to make assumptions about who someone is, what they are like. About contributing nothing - well that's not true on RYL. If you feel you don't in real life then you have the power to change it, just don't turn into superwoman (because I would be jealous!) because you don't have to be and no one is. If you would be feel more worthwhile doing something then give it a go - but no pressure.

You are you. Don't try to be anyone else. :)

About things changing, getting better and then not staying better and getting worse again. Possibly, and this is my fear too. I have learnt that in the great words of Ronan Keating, like really is a rollercoaster. There are those lows, horrible horrible lows but it does go up and that's how we can appreciate life. I have bipolar but I think this applies to pretty much everyone. Perhaps you could try spot what has in the past/does now make life ok. Every person will be different. But then again, if that gets you down give it a miss.

It sounds simple, I know it's not in the slightest. I believe you will come through this, I think you have a real strength.

I remember when I was in a scary secure hospital really wanting to get out but unfortunately I was on a section. I talked to my mum once a day, had a cry and every day I had to decide to be strong (scary word eek) just to stay in there, stay put and basically, not give up. I'm not saying that 'oh just be strong and you'll be fine' but that if you can try find some reason to hold onto some kind of strength, if you can see from outside where you are now and believe you will get there and it'll be ok, you will.

Take care and how are you feeling today?

(Many apologies for the rambling essay, it's like 5.30 in the morning, my head is whizzing and I'm distracted by spiders eek!)

[mesmerized.]

Miranda, thank you so much <3

You're right about feeling bad about myself (& thank you for saying such nice things about me!). I think part of it is that I expect too much of myself, sometimes. I feel like I should be able to function perfectly and achieve everything I want to all the time, like everyone else seems to be doing, and when I can't I get stuck in this horrible cycle of telling myself I'm useless and setting even more impossible goals. Which I am just not going to achieve when things are like this, which makes me feel worse. Not that I'm saying being down is an excuse for not doing the things I'm supposed to, just maybe I need to be a bit more gentle with myself, have more realistic expectations.

You're right about the rest of it too (of course!). It's so hard to see the point when I feel this bad. I just want to be rid of this and the thought that it might come back again and again terrifies me. But I guess I do know that it will get better and I will be glad to be here and able to appreciate life again. And now that I've finally finally asked for help and acknowledged that everything isn't alright, maybe I can change things in a more lasting way and/or find some way to cope with it.

Today seems slightly better, so far anyway! Going to try and be productive and I'm going to make sure I get out of the house.

No apologies needed, it was a very helpful essay! Thank you, really. I hope the scary spiders are gone now!
xxx