broken!!!!!

[butterflymom]

insecurity? abandonment issues? attention seeking? i just want to do something to see if anyone notices or cares, or cares enough to notice!!! i want to starve myself and lose a bunch of weight and see if anyone even mentions it....not people who don't know about my issues, people who DO know about them. see if they'll even call me out on it, worry about it, put two-and-two together and wonder if i'm being safe, being healthy. i want to be wreckless and see if anyone loves me enough to stop me.

and it's stupid, because i know my husband loves me enough. he loved me enough to read my journal even though he knew it might tick me off and loved me enough to take me right then and there to get help if need be. why can't his love and support and approval be all that i need? why can't God be all that i need? why does it bother me that my friends don't seem to understand, even though they say they do? why am i the one who has to call them, or write or email or facebook them? why is it that i'm the one who has to say 'hi' on the chat first? do they not see me there? do they not think to call and say hi and see how i'm doing every once in a while? do they not ever THINK of me at all?

is it wrong to want people to notice me? is it wrong to crave their attention, love, support? in some weird way i WANT people to worry about me. i want to scare them. i want them to SEE me. but i don't want them to see me ugly and stupid and boring and plain....i want my issues to somehow make me interesting and deep and tradgically beautiful. special. mysterious. strong. ALL THE THINGS I'M NOT.

why don't i tell my friends this is how i feel? don't want to hurt their feelings...don't want them to feel obligated to seek me out first....knowing if they did call or email to check on me i'd just feel embarrassed, and i'd KNOW that they were only doing it because i made a fuss, not because they really wanted to or really cared enough to. but don't i deserve to let people know what i need? don't i deserve to have needs?

or do i just deserve the pain and unhappiness? deserve the self-hate. deserve to starve the ugly smothering fat off of my body. deserve to purge the fullness out of my stomach. deserve the cuts i inflict on my own skin. deserve to get sicker. deserve the ugliness inside and out. i'll never be beautiful. i'll never be pretty. i'll never deserve the wonderful husband and beautiful children God gave me. i'll never be as good of a wife, mother, friend, Christian as my mom was. i'll never be confident. i'll never have a healthy relationship with food. i'll never be able to look in the mirror and love, or even like, what i see.

fat. stupid. ugly. disgusting. needy. weak.
drowning. sinking. failing.
broken. broken. broken. broken.

[~hunni~]

There are definitely parts of your post that I can relate to - wanting to cut just to see if people would notice, to see if people would check if I was ok, to see just how much they cared. I think we are conditioned to feel like wanting some attention, wanting someone to care, is inherently bad. I don't necessarily think that is the case though. We all need love, care, attention. They are all things that we deserve - including you. I know that it might be difficult sometimes to express your needs or what you want, but I do think that that is the way forward. It is okay to say to someone 'I feel like ****, I need some support, I need you to check in on me over the next few days.' I don't think that expressing what you need is soemthing you should feel guilty about - if you are direct, you are more likely to get the support that you need and deserve.

I can relate to feeling like nothing is ever enough - even when you know you have good things in your life and people who care about you. I know that that can be difficult because it can make you feel more guilty about all kinds of things. I'm not sure that that's something I've worked through completely yet, but I think it has something to do with not approving of yourself and it sounds like this is definitely the case for you. Perhaps if we don't approve of ourselvves, we look out to other people more to find what we need, but it doesn't quite satisfy what we are looking for. I don't know, I think the point I'm trying to make is that maybe you need to look inside yourself a bit more for answers. You need to realise that you are beautiful, that you do deserve good things, that you are worthy of all that you have.
I really hope you feel better soon
xxx

[butterflymom]

thanks for the hugs just-me and oliness. and thanks for the kind words hunni. you made a lot of sense....i realize that i worry too much/base my self esteem too much on what other people think of me and what i THINK other people must think of me. sometimes i just don't know WHO I AM anymore. i'm calmer now and i stayed safe, i'm kind of proud of myself that i didn't cut....but i'm just kind of numb now, drained. i was having such a good couple of days and i knew this morning when i woke up i was sliding back into a sad mood but this just kind of came up fast and out of nowhere. .....gonna pull it back together and breathe.....