wish for nothing

[anja]

I never thought i would live to see myself turn twenty, its my birthday in about a month and i don't think im going to do anything drastic anytime soon. Its good right?

I definitely thought so...

I got help when i needed it and i got better, but the really damaging thing about depression seems to be that it wont ever really go away. It sits on the back burner and waits for you to show a weakness or a soft spot.

Now with me...i took my medication for a while, but after about a year i got sick of it! I didnt want to roam around my school and my friends and be like a zombie, emotionless and bland. so i got off of it, my mind set was that "I can do it, I don't need pills, all i need is my spirit and my family"

Everything went good for a while, i got my friends back i was good with my family, we weren't perfect but we were good. :)

we moved here when i was 8, we left all our family behind there. Now when i have the chance to go back and live there again im starting to question why i even worked so hard to make friends and survive here when all that's gonna happen is im going to lose it all.

i have been thinking about killing myself alot lately, and i feel like i have noone to talk to about it. I dont think my friends would really understand and my mom...well she is my back bone but she is going through her own rough patch right now.

I don't want to kill myself when my mom is having a bad time...but i don't feel like i can live anymore. I just wish i wasn't here. I wish my family didn't care about me, i wish i had a gun...i just wish i was dead.

[Stellata]

It sounds like you're living in fear of your depression - I get the sense of a menacing monster sitting at the back of your mind waiting to strike. It sounds like a really evil bully, playing on your vulnerabilities and sensitivities.

You don't have to be victim to it. Try and see yourself and the people who know you and all of us on RYL as being on your side, and together we're all stronger than Depression. The monster doesn't have to win.

Anti-depressants don't all blunt emotions. For example I personally can feel the full range of emotions on my medication, it simply helps me to feel less raw and safer with them. I would suggest that you speak with a doctor or psychiatrist about how your previous medication effected you, and get their suggestions on alternatives. It's also possible to go the natural health/herbal/homeopathy route if that is something you feel comfortable with and believe in.

Your spirit and your family are indeed strengths. I get the sense that you're feeling really alone right now. To gain your family you lose your friends, at least proximity wise. That's quite a major choice, and it's no wonder you feel conflicted and trapped.

I'm sorry to hear that your mum is struggling herself right now too. That probably is making you feel even more depleted, because she is your rock. This is one of the reasons why it's important for you to have some support for you, to help strengthen your spirit so that it's less vulnerable to torture through the ravages of depression - counselling, psychotherapy, medication, any combination of those can help build up your sense of self.