Sorry. (long sorry)

[Diamonds.]

I don't know if this is the right place to put what I'm about to put. But I'll put it here. At the moment, I have a feeling of uselessness. I actually layed in bed last night and felt like crying, because I am useless. I am good for nothing. I don't work, because I can't. I really wish I could, but I can't.

I am too ground down my OCD, I am totally took over by my OCD. It stops me doing most things. Makes me cry and very upset. I cannot have a normal life with this OCD, I never feel clean, I scrub myself till im sore. Its so tiring and my mind never seems to stop. Also makes me angry at myself, I sometimes tell myself to get a grip, move on...

Easier said then done, pops to mind. I so so miss my nan aswell, I thought I would of grieved for her by now, but I haven't, I miss her every single day. I feel empty not having her here. Like a part of me is missing. I look at photo's of her and laugh, because she was so cute, and so loving, but I'm so saddened, because she isn't here to love me and make me laugh anymore. It's like I've lost my best friend, too soon. She was my world, and I look back and remember things she use to do for me, and I miss them ):. She was that person I could always rely on, she was my angel. I want her back. I want her here with me. She was so precious to me, and she's gone, and its been 2+years, and I still miss her, it feels like a fresh wound, but its been 2 years...

I wanted to add my Auntie Chris to this, she died of cancer nearly a year ago. I have no right to grieve for her, at all. I didn't know her as much as I should,but the reason she upsets me is...I wish I'd done more for her. I wish I'd went and seen her, but people told me not to, people told me, she wasen't the same, and that scared me, because I went to see my nan dead, and Im scarred with that image now, but I wish I had, because I feel guilty not going to see her.

At the moment, I don't feel suicidal. I have no real intention of killing myself. But in bed last night, I wanted to, I wanted all this hurt, sadness, and tiredness to end. It would be the easier way out. It would be easier for me. It would be simple and I'd be gone, and all the pain and suffering would end. Im so tired.

Also, I have found that, I feel like, I should get revenge on my abusers. Like maybe I should kill them (I never would, Im a wuss), because they have left me with, nightmares and self-hate. Really bad self-hate. They have left me with a personality I don't want. They have made me feel like the only attention I can get is sexual. They make me sick when I look at myself.

My real dad has a big part to play with my life. He abondoned(sp?) me and my mum when she was pregnant with me. He is a prick, yes. But then when I found him again at 14, I was so so happy. That happiness was not long lived. He left me again, and again, and again. 3 times he left me. His excuse "We couldn't bond". I always feel like he owes me so so much. He's ruined my life. He's took away, what my abusers did. My trust.

Sorry.

[Stellata]

I'm wondering if really you feel helpless, powerless in terms of maintaining relationships.
When people who're supposedly close to us leave us, either through emotional abandonment or death, things can feel pretty desperate and out of control. When, in reality, you couldn't stop the deaths, you couldn't stop your father pushing you away.

When people do these things, the way OCD logic works is that "if only I were totally perfect, and if only I carry out these rituals, then things like that won't happen again". It's an attempt at control that can ultimately lead to things getting more out of control.

There's one really important point here. You're angry at those who abused you because they left you hating yourself. That tells me that deep down you do actually like yourself, and want to free yourself from the prison it feels like they trapped you in. Maybe the washing-ness is also an attempt to cleanse the self-hatred from your mind?

So, 'all' it takes then is to supplement the frantic washing with gradual attempts to nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, give yourself praise for things done well. Do you see the subtle shift?

Your personality is still there. Believe me it is. Trust me. How do I know? Because I know that the human personality is resilient and bigger and wider than we think it is. How do I know that? From personal experience. I thought that my traumatised shadow self had swallowed up all my personality, my aliveness, my intelligence etc. But no. It's still there.

You've 'learned' that a sexual self being forefront gets you attention. But is it the kind of attention you want? You are more than your sexual self. Also your healthy sexuality needs to be separated out from the abused imprints. All this takes time, gentleness, and usually good psychotherapy. Is counselling or psychotherapy an option for you at this time?