called pdoc... need help getting through till my apt on 21st October

[lozza]

I called my pdoc before, asked for her to call me back... and she just did.

I needed to call her because I needed her to know how I was doing... so that maybe just maybe she could help me (somehow?)

Lately I have been struggling to cope a lot. Things have been very bad. And I am beginning to slip. I have an apt to see my pdoc on 21st of October... but she wants to see me sooner.... but there is no way I can see her any sooner:crying: am already so far behind with uni and that.

She said when I see her she will review my meds and everything.... but I am terrified I will not be able to last till the 21st of October. Thoughts of suicide are creeping up again, I have once again started to cut and am drinking a lot more than I was before ....that terrifies me cause I just cant stop.

Can I please have some hugs please? Anything.... words of encouragment and advice. I want to be ok but I do not seem in control of my head right now... I'm so scared

[crazykat]

*Hugs* I think if you need to see her sooner you should, your health is far more important than your uni work. Your can always work out something else for your uni work but you can't sacrifice your health. Would it be easier to have regular phone contact with her, till you are able to see her in october so then at least you have some support. Keep fighting sweetheart, you will get through this. Am here for you. Take care
Kat xxx

[Stellata]

Can you check in with your GP regularly in the meantime? That could give you islands of support to help you through.

[I.Heart.And]

I think you should see your psychiatrist sooner and I think you would agree? Your health is more important than Uni and you need to be well in order to be able to study properly - they go hand in hand. Drinking and cutting will get in the way of your ability to work and being this much of a danger to yourself warrants seeing a specialist fairly urgently in my opinion. Taking a day off to go to the appointment and take in what happens at it will benefit you largely for the future and will be worth it in the long run. x

[lozza]

I asked my work manager to send me my work roster and I made a promise to myself that if I wasnt put on to work on a monday then I would make an apt to see pdoc earlier.... and I got my roster and I am not working on a monday so I guess I have no reason but to try and see her sooner if she is free....

so I will call her on wednesday morning.... (she only works on monday and wednesday)

wish me luck guys and please keep posting, I'm so scared right now.

and thanks for all the replies and hugs, really means a lot.

[frizzly]

hugs. you can call her wed and ill be right there with you. (literally haha) i lovee u and am proud of you. you will get through this. wish i had more words sorry

[I.Heart.And]

I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck x

[roiben]

Hope you get the appointment and it goes okay...

Does she have a secretary or is she based in a cmht that may have access to her diary to see if they can schedule you in right away?

[lozza]

I dont know if I can call anymore to make an earlier apt...
I am working next monday... but at a different store... I am so scared, so afraid... what if I do something wrong? I cant do it I cant I cant....

****
what am I gona do?? I am so terrified and afraid right now... I barely know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other... help

I'm thinking I will just have to wait til the 21st to see pdoc... I have no idea how I will be able to see her any sooner anymore:(
I'm so scared

[I.Heart.And]

Take the day off, your health is more important at the moment and I don't think it seems like you are up to working at the moment.

[Revival]

like others have said, your health is more important than uni or work, I really think that you should try to get an earlier appt with your pdoc, or like Katie said maybe your GP?
You know where I am if I can help sweetheart
*cuddles*
xxx

[lozza]

The thing is I cannot take the day off cuz I am filling in for the chick that usally works at that time... if I cant do it, no one can... and also I get the feeling my manager hates me and if he does I dont want to give him any reason to get rid of me or cut my shifts down...

sorry if that sounds stupid or like a weak excuse... I've just been working there for so long now... over 5 years and we have had so many different bosses and managers over the years... atm work is the only stable thing I have in my life, hence why I am terrified if I say I cant work or take the day off... then he will be even worse towards me.... does that make any sense?

I got in contact with counsellor before... I feel bad and stupid for that but maybe its good she knows I'm not doing well also? Cuz I do see her regular???

grrrrr everything is just so messy in my head right now, I just wish the 12st could be tomorrow and everything could just be ok. I'm so tired of fighting, just need an end:(

[Stellata]

If you're ill, you're ill, and you need time for medical treatment.

[crazykat]

*cuddles lozza* Thinking of you sweetie, let me know if I can help in anyway. Sorry I don't have much in the way of advice right now but wanted to let you know I care

[lozza]

thanks guys

well I have decided that I really cannot afford to take time off work or uni to see pdoc sooner so my next apt will be on the 21st October...

BUT

I am thinking that I will see my gp weekly until I do see pdoc. I did call my gp yesterday but she never returned my call:( and then so today I wrote her a letter and when I got back home I dropped it into the clinic... in it I asked her to call me but again she didnt:(

but I am fine I am fine I am fine. I greatly want to hurt me cuz I need punishment because I am not worthy or important enough for her to call me back... so need to be hurt.

I dont know just very loud. Just wish this could be over already... right now for it to all be over.

[crazykat]

Hun,
There could be a number of reasons why she hasn't called you back, GP's are often very busy. You are important and I am sure she will ring you as soon as she is able. Hang in there sweetie, you will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

[lozza]

thanks hun, am trying to tell myself that, head just so loud.
sorry. thanks for reply

[tamobhuuta]

hi lozza, i think it's a good idea to see your GP weekly until your appointment, i know when i feel bad 3 weeks can take forever and it is hard to cope. i hoep you're doing ok, stay strong :)

[lozza]

I wana do worse. Much worse before I see her... there will be no stopping or going easy... worse worse worse... it must be done it MUST

I do not feel safe. But I dont deserve to be safe... am bad soooo bad

just need a break. Somehow? please???

sorry. sorry. am fine??? :s

[frizzly]

oh hunni you DO deserve to be safe you do.. pls hang in there. and pls dont hurt you

[Revival]

like Rach said you do deserve to be safe sweetheart, and you deserve to be happy. Please try and stay safe, when do you see her? *cuddles loads*

[lozza]

next wed... 21st:(

[Revival]

can you think of anything you might be able to do to keep yourself safe until then? *cuddles*

[lozza]

drink drink drink cut drink drink cut (od?) drink drink cut cut cut


sorry

but please remember I am fine???

help:s

[Revival]

ok anything non-destructive you can think of *cuddles lots* It's ok to say you're not ok sweetheart, it's really good that you're asking for help I'm proud of you *cuddles more*

[lozza]

mmmm now just gota get to next wed... hmmm

[frizzly]

come stay with me...... cept my house is well yea... hugs i love you. i cant lose you i cant.

[lozza]

just under a week till I see her... and I am scared...

what if I cant talk? what if she doesnt listen??

....maybe I should just stay home so nothing bad comes from the apt? :s

[lozza]

come stay with me...... cept my house is well yea...

lol I'd come stay at your house anytime.. trust me!!! Cuz it would not only give me a break.. but you one also!!!

love you my beautiful, special friend
*cuddles lots*

[frizzly]

hugs know that im here for u always.
please hang in there. hopefully wednesday will be helpful for you
and that she will have some suggestions for you

[lozza]

its coming fast now.. am scared... cant do it nope I cant I cant....

not allowed to talk, not allowed to say a word...
just smile and laugh... be good... be good... she wont know.... if she dont hear the words then nothing bad will happen... and then I will be safe and in ellas hands...

[Revival]

*holds gently* you can do this sweetheart, I have a lot of faith in you, please keep hanging in there you can do this. You know where I am *cuddles*

[tamobhuuta]

you don't need to do as ella says to be safe. in fact you're safer without her. maybe it's hard for you to think that... it's really important for you to talk about what's going on. keep talking to us here and think about what you're going to say to your psych, to make it a bit easier on the 21st xxx

[lozza]

apt is tomorrow...
*runs and hides*

:s

[tamobhuuta]

you'll be ok sweetie. best of luck

[Revival]

thinking of you sweetheart I really hope it goes well

[lozza]

sorry never replied yesterday... didnt get home til late and was very sore and shaken up.. may write a bit more about that later on...

apt was ok. she increased one of my meds and I will see her again in 2 weeks.

my neck is so sore and I think my car is gone but wont know until tomorrow, monday the latest.... when insurance company do an assessment on it.

will write more about what happened in general support and advice

thanks everyone
*cuddles*

[crazykat]

*cuddles* Glad the appointment went ok. Please be gentle with yourself