hes had a heart attack

[falling tears]

the man that abused me is in hospital, he just had a heart attack, and for some reason i feel worried for him, im scared of him too.. but i dont know why, he scares me so much and I want to be glad hes ill and hurting, but for some reason i feel guilty!whats going on... help. its horrible, i want him dead, well i thought i did, but im worried for him now.

he usually scares me so much, just the thought of him... so eh yam i worried? i should feel relieved that he wont be around for a while as hes in hospital, but i now dont know what to think!

The things he did to me where horrible and i still cant get over flashbacks! An every night i worry he is there, i see him abusing me in my dreams and i feel like from the age of 7 to 15 i was a ruined child... well i feel like a ruined adult now aswell, and im scared when hes around! Im scared that he will hurt and rape me again...

so why the **** am i worried about him now! ? And why do i feel guilty?

Im so aggitated and i feel like a mess! Whats going on.???

[Sometimes Crazy]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much with what you've experienced - it sounds like his falling ill has brought up a lot in your mind. Is there anyone offline, like maybe a counsellor, that you could confide in?

I know it can be really scary when we feel concern for someone who's hurt us - you're by no means the first one, I've felt like it a lot. I don't know what the 'connection' was between you and him at the time he hurt you, like family friend or whatever.. but often before abuse occurs, some form of 'friendship' is made as part of the (grooming) process, and those feelings can take a while to go. They can also be stirred up again when things like this happen, especially if you ever struggle with guilty feelings at all?

I hope this is making any kind of sense to you, I just wanted you to know I understand and care and that this thing does happen and you're not alone.

Take care of yourself, hon

X

[farawayfairy]

*safe hugs*

It's natural to feel some kind of bond with family members even when they've hurt you so that's why you probably feel worried. It doesn't mean you're bad or anything like that although I can understand that it's confusing. You're not a ruined person sweetheart. You're one of the most amazing people I know and I really do mean that.

Thinking of you xxx

[falling tears]

Thank you...

its just so hard and i hate it so much. i have no one to talk to really, not a councillor, and to be honest i would love one, there are things I just cant say to others and I just feel so alone in a kind of horrible world thats sometimes hard to get out of!

Its just so confusing and I dont know what i should be feeling?

[Shadowsaurus]

Honey, you are very likely to be confused.
How old are you? could you ring or email the samaritans?

Maybe seeing your GP and arranging some counselling would be a great step in overcoming these difficult thoughts.
I'm sorry I don't have many words, but you know we are always here to talk things through with you
xx

[falling tears]

Im 18, gosh its so hard! i went to see my old school councillor yesturday for a coffee as i have not seen her since i was addmitted to hospital by her and other three years ago, it was really good to see her, but i cant open up to her, it just different now.

[farawayfairy]

There isn't a 'should' for how you should be feeling. Whatever you're feeling is ok. Could you go to your doctor and ask her to refer you to someone? xx

[Isoverity]

Resentment is a hypnotic emotion and when you resent someone you get fixated to them in thoughts and emotions. The resentment breeds a guilt which often breeds a false love. Battered women are often addicted to men who abuse them - thinking they love them when they are fixated out of guilt and the false purging high they feel giving themselves when they shouldn't