I will have no friends by the end of summer.
I keep pushing everyone away.
They're constantly inviting me and I'm constantly making excuses not to go. Sometimes it's that I can't face it because of my eating, I cannot face a pizza night. It scares me too much. They don't know that.
But sometimes it's not that. I just can't seem to be able to go out. I can't face hanging around.
They're getting annoyed at me, and I don't even know why I can't seem to face going out. I can't explain it.
I am starting to really really hate myself.
I feel so fake.
It seems all photos of me are 'myspace angles' that hide my imperfections (and I have plenty).
And I'm lying to everyone, refusing help.
The one person who knows about my problems with eating, I'm lying to her. I'm telling her I'm eating so much more than I am. And she says she's so proud of me that I'm eating properly again.
God, it's tearing me up inside to lie to her but I can't stop now.
I won't let anyone help me.
I don't think I care any more.
I just want this to destroy me.
It's all I deserve.
the only thing you deserve is to be happy!
try telling the person who knows about your problems the truth...maybe write it in a letter for them?
as for pushing your friends away, im in a similar boat so i dont really have any useful advice, maybe you could explain to a close friend whats going on?
always here for you *hugs*
Maybe you should speak to your friend. Lies tend to come back to haunt you. If she already once knew your problems with eating, it won't be such a big shock. It's hard to understand something if you've never been through it yourself, but good friends will always be there for you to support you. She'll understand in her own way.
Unfortunately, if you do keep rejecting invitations to places, people may stop inviting you. Why don't you make an effort and invite them to your house to watch DVDs or something? You won't have to go out, you don't have to eat anything if you don't want to, and it'll be in your comfort zone.
Is it all social situations that you feel anxious about or just those relating to food? It might be worth trying to calm and relax yourself before going to these wee gatherings, instead of thinking about it loads and putting yourself off it.
Help is available, and it's up to you to take it. Unless you're willing and want it, nobody can force you to get help. Some might find that hard to understand is the only thing. Just remember that it's there for when you need it, and don't be afraid to reach out for it.
Everyone deserves help, and everyone deserves to be happy. You certainly don't sound happy at the moment. *hugs* You don't have to keep doing this to yourself you know. People love you for who you are, they want to help, they want you to be happy.
I'm so sorry you feel that way. I know what it's like to lie to the people you care about....
You've got to realize that if you keep this up you WILL LOSE THEM. Do you care about them as they care for you? You really need to either forced yourself out or open up to them so they can help you. I'm sure if you're friends knew you were having trouble eating they would plan more sensible get togethers than pizza night. Please consider telling them, I think it would really help you out.
katie you do deserve to be happy, i promise
i know its hard to believe that when you feel so bad about yourself, but you shouldnt feel bad
sometimes i can't face going out with my friends, i put things off a lot,
but i find that a lot of the time, when i do force myself to go,
i realise that i actually have fun when i'm there.
is it that you feel nervous about going?
because thats how i feel sometimes..
or is it that you just don't want to go?
you should try and tell this person the truth, they won't hate you
they will hopefully try and help you,
and sometimes help is hard to accept, especially when you feel like you don't want it, or need it, or deserve it,
but you need somebody who you can talk to and be honest with..
and then you won't feel so guilty