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Old 23-04-2011, 04:35 PM   #861
Kahlia1981
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My fiancee and I have had some good luck for a change...

Our landlord decided on Wednesday (20/04/11) that she would give us total flexibility regarding our lease, and allow us to move to cheaper premises as soon as we were able. This meant that we were immediately able to start looking for real and turned Thursday into a very hectic day. In the morning we strolled up and down the nearest main road which had several real estate agents offices and picked up their rental lists (when available). We also searched the real estate properties for the area on the internet. We had organised my mother to drive us around to various places at 11am, but for some reason she decided that we didn't need a car or assistance. That meant we had to walk to the real estate agent then to the house/unit and back again!! It also meant that we were limited to the properties whose real estate agents were on the main road.

In the end we only got to see two of the properties as one real estate agent told us we would have to be put on the invite list for a public viewing of the property and another informed us that the place was still tenanted and wouldn't be available until May. One of the units we saw was actually worse that where we are living now. It was priced at $230 p/w but had so many things wrong with it. It was in fact disgusting. To give a simple example, the cutlery door did not open, the entire unit was grotty and the staircase was narrower and steeper than the one here. The other property we viewed was really nice. The principal of that real estate agency drove us to the property (in his BMW), showed us around the unit, told us where to find the application form on the internet and dropped us home again!!

We worked hard to find our previous accomodations and character referrees and submitted the application form at about 2:30pm and had a phone call that afternoon to say that we had been approved for the property. We now go in on Wednesday to pay a holding fee and organise the signing over of the keys and so forth and are taking possession of the unit on the 5th of May.

I also had a stroke of luck on Thursday when I received a call from the hospital informing me that my two scripts had been approved and were ready for collection. These two scripts are not covered by the PBS and are therefore considered private scripts and are not subsidised. The meds would have cost over $200 a month but by having them approved to get them through the hospital pharmacy it is reduced to $11.20 per month. It was lucky that the call came when it did because I was running extremely low.

I discovered today that one of the universities I could complete my IT degree through is Monash - one of the universities that I have completed subjects at while with OUA. At Monash I know I can study off campus and begin mid-year. I am going to email the appropriate faculty to enquire about certain matters and also to enable me to decide whether Monash would provide me with what I want/need to learn to work in the IT field. The best part is that you can apply online so all the forms required are available online.

It also looks like we will be able to afford a new washing machine for the new place. My parents gave us an engagement present and my fiance's parents have also donated money for such purposes. That means that we don't have to stress about getting a washing machine or it breaking as we are going to get a three year extended warranty on top of the two years it comes with.

On the not quite so good side...

My fiancee still has not had any job offers although he has received a couple more knockbacks. One of them he had made it to the second round before he was knocked back and his resume and application will be held on file.

A friend of mine from my theatre days passed away last night. Apparantly she had a stroke. She would have been 50+ years old, had never smoked and rarely drank alcohol. I will make a bet though that her cause of death will be put down to smoking or passive smoking. She directed many shows for the local theatrical company and I ran the lights for her several times.

On to neutral matters...

I finally heard back from the lecturer at Swinburne regarding my final assignment and exam. They are sending me a CD on Thursday containing all the course material and the assignment. Unfortunately that means it will not arrive here until the following Monday (02/05/11) and they have set the deadline as the 13th of May. Given that we are moving and will not have internet or computers for at least three days and possible a week that is going to make it extremely difficult.

At least we can't say that nothing ever happens.



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 27-04-2011, 10:40 AM   #862
Kahlia1981
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Sometimes I really do wonder if there is any point to anything that happens. Right now I just wish it would stop. I realise that what is going on in my environment is adding to my natural depression state and exacerbating it, but please, someone give me a break.

I've been incredibly fragile over the last couple of days. It doesn't take much at all to upset me or have me in tears. On top of that I had a major episode of pain from my spinal issues on Monday. I was almost completely unable to move for an hour after awakening. I managed to roll onto my side with a lot of effort, but couldn't move (or feel) my legs. It then took me 30 minutes to be able to get in a sitting position. By this time I was in tears and having real trouble holding it together. It took me another 20 minutes to be able to stand up and another 10 minutes to be able to walk enough to take me to the bathroom for the ablutionary activities. I walked back to the room to try and wake my fiance, but the only way I could face and reach him was to lie on my side facing him and after a couple of failed attempts I fell into tears and just lay there watching him. When he did wake up he didn't realise something was wrong for a while during which I went through several tissues. He didn't really notice in fact until I went to get my morning medication out and kept dropping tablets. I have to confess that I was in tears for most of the morning and my fiance has informed me I should get shares in Kleenex.

So Monday itself was really a write-off. I spent the evening hoping and praying that I would not wake up that way on Tuesday morning. And I didn't (thank goodness). But my fiance's parents had arranged that they would take us to get our new washing machine for the new unit and the trip to the store upset my back quite a bit. We also went to the store that lied about my mattress order to see if we could get ourselves a new mattress with the store credit. We found one we liked and they had it in stock so we bought it and organised the delivery for today.

I have to confess that with the aggravation to my back and my general state I really didn't want to go out yesterday after we got home, but we had to go to the nearest big shopping centre. We actually were going there to buy our tobacco for the fortnight, but that store wasn't open (it was Anzac Day holiday) so we just got a couple of other things we needed. We got a pillow so we could upgrade the one on the spare bed, and a cashbox/locked box for me. The box is to hold for me any objects around the house that can be used to harm me with either suicide or SI. I always feel calmer when I know that these things are in the house because if I need them I can have them. However I am not completely stupid, and don't want to go down that path if possible, locking them in the box and giving my fiance the key means that they are safe, they are there, but I can't access them.

This morning I saw my psychiatrist for the first time since I got back from the hospital in Cairns. We had a mammoth session, but he was incredibly happy at the changes that the trip had made to me and my ability to cope with life and stress. On the way home I was lucky enough to share a very small bus with a mother with a pram who, because the ground floor spot was standing only, attempted to put herself and the second child on the front seat and the pram with the child still in it infront of her. This meant that the step everyone needed to use to get to a seat was blocked by both the pram and the lady. It also meant that everytime we went around a corner she almost lost the pram down the stairs. When the mother who had been sitting in the downstairs area got off the bus, the driver made the woman move down to the ground floor so people could safely and easily board and leave the bus.

Today we went down to what is going to be our real estate agent to pay a deposit on the unit to secure it for us along with the date we are moving in. We finalised some details and gave them a new faceplate and plug which is going to be swapped with the current one so that we don't have to worry about interference on our internet connection. We also had our mattress delivered this afternoon and just have to take the sheets off the line and put them on the bed - just like new.

I didn't mention this earlier but I was nearly late to my doctors appointment for one simple reason. It took me 40 minutes of concerted annoyance to wake my fiance up. I started as soon as I got up, and when I finally managed to get him awake I had to quickly finish my coffee, chuck shoes on and grab a couple of things and leave! I hadn't been able to shower, or even just put deoderant on. For that matter I didn't even have time to brush my hair! And then the bus ran late anyway!! My fiance has also slept most of the afternoon and told me I couldn't sleep because I had to wake him. I am getting a bit sick of this assumption that I'm not tired just because he feels tired. My sleep is worse than his and he won't let me sleep, but I'm supposed to just let him sleep and do whatever he tells me to do while he does. Get F***ed.

Sorry, just really had to let that out. *sigh*



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 01-05-2011, 03:06 PM   #863
crazykat
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I am glad that some of your luck changed. All the best with moving. Sorry your spine is giving you issues, I hope it eases for you soon. The cashbox is a really good idea.



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 19-05-2011, 09:23 AM   #864
Kahlia1981
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Thanks Kat. The cashbox has come in really handy right now.

Well the move is finally completed and we are almost settled in with just one room of boxes to unpack and the Internet to come back on. We spent 1.5 days cleaning our old place so that it literally sparkled only to have the landlord turn up hungover and really not giving a ****. We also ate so much junkfood over the transition period as the typical dilemma ("OMG we packed that") kept hitting us in the face.

It does feel good to be in the new place, and it is certainly a step up but ... the financial situation is still bad and I keep being met by other crap that I can't handle. It's colder in the new unit as there is no carpet (except in the pantry) so we've had to get the second doona out of storage and wash and air it three or four times to remove the scent of mothballs/camphor. The cold also plays up with my back and shoulder, and my fiancee's neck.

My mood has not been the best lately. I had made a decision about a week before we left that I would commit suicide (according to my plan) on June 8th this year. The decision lifted me immensely but I started questioning whether it is the right thing to do. I eventually told my fiancee last weekend and he wanted me to go straight up to Cairns. The problem is that if I do go to Cairns again there is a strong likelihood that I would be sent to Brisbane for ECT. I don't want ECT in the first place, and having ECT without any friends or family being around would be ... unbearable. In addition, I have my final chance at an exam in early June and an appointment with the pain specialist. Meh. So far we have an agreement that if certain circumstances occur I am heading back to Cairns.

On the positive side, I submitted my application to study at Monash University via distance education and got approved! So now I am trying to get myself organised and the paperwork required filled in etc. All I really have to do now is send one thing off and wait for a recommended list of subjects.

Right now all I want to do is sleep. I realise that some of it is the weather (winter, meh) and both the depression and the pain will cause other parts. I just wish that I never had to leave my bed again. *sigh*



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 23-05-2011, 01:15 PM   #865
crazykat
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Glad the move went well. I am glad that you spoke to your fiance about your plans and you have things set in place if things do get really bad. That's great news that your application was accepted. Hold on there hun
Kat xxx



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 02-06-2011, 10:06 AM   #866
Kahlia1981
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It's been awhile since I last wrote and as the saying goes "we've all passed a lot of water since then" [deliberate misquote]. I felt well enough to push back my suicide date until August 26th - one day after I would reach my 3 years SI free. I was almost sent to Cairns at least once after a bad night led to me seeking to act immediately instead of waiting for my date. We got through however and sometimes things can be semi-okay.

I saw the pain specialist/GP/anaesthesiologist yesterday. He basically said that my spinal damage was as bad as it is ever going to get and will never require surgery. I'm a bit doubtful on that one as I'm sure he knows as much about orthopaedics and neurology as I do about AFL and NFL (in other words nothing other than that they exist). He said that my shoulder was perfectly fine and would never require surgery again - shoulder reconstructions usually do require multiple surgeries. He also told me that my back and shoulder pain only occur when I am distressed or depressed and that my hand had tingles and numbness. Okay to begin with my hand loses MOTOR function not just sensory and becomes completely paralysied for hours at a time. Secondly my pain is just as severe when I am distressed as when I am happy - in fact there is absolutely nothing about the pain that changes. My spinal condition is expected by real experts to worsen and I may get 20 years out of it before surgery, but surgery is inevitable. My shoulder is a real unknown. The damage appears to be in the nerves in the brachial plexus and according to my GP the effects will multiply given time.

About the only thing he did that was in any way helpful was to order a Nerve Conduction Test. He thinks it will come back with no information however. As a result of all the above we are suing The Townsville Hospital Pain Management team for malpractice.

Today I did my deferred university exam and began with a severe disadvantage. Normally you are allowed to make notes on the exam paper - or rough paper if questions are required to be answered on the question paper. I was told it was prohibited for my exam because the invigilators information did not show notetaking during reading time. Despite that I got through the exam okay, although I know it wasn't up to my best. For one part of the exam we had to utilise a case study which was supposed to be given to us 3 weeks before the exam. I gained access to this case study less than a week ago. In addition, a large part of the curriculum for the subject had changed and I learned last night that I required a diagram and a table that I had never even heard of before. Not really impressed.

My case worker managed to get me an earlier appointment with my psychiatrist so that he has the chance to get me well enough not to require the Cairns/Brisbane trip or (hopefully) the ECT. I don't know if he will have enough time to make positive changes before I start at Monash, or whether we will be able to make alterations before my suicide date.

I have now enrolled in my first subjects through Monash itself and am getting prepared to present my information and forms to Centrelink. I'm expecting that since they have at least halved every payment we are eligible for now that we are partnered I may be lucky enough to get 5 cents a fortnight in Pensioner Education Supplement. I won't hold my breath though. I'm really placing my hopes on bursaries and scholarships from Monash to keep us alive and affording food because we are starting to show signs of not being able to afford to eat.

Oh well. To anyone in Australia who ever has the inclination to tell Centrelink the truth about absolutely anything... Don't f**king do it. Lie to them and commit as much fraud as you like. The costs of being caught are miles less than the financial cost of being honest. Seriously, claim you are ATSI and get billions of dollars from the government, tell them you are single when you are partnered, tell them you have a grandad die that never existed .... the cost of the fraud is far less than the cost of having to live on a combined income of $200 a fortnight. F**k the arseholes.



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 02-06-2011, 02:02 PM   #867
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Glad to see you back hun :) Sorry you're having so much trouble physically, unfortunately my faith in doctors is limited - nil actually but I am sending loads of good vibes & schtuff your way - hope they can do something to make it better. Glad you're enrolled & ting - good luck! $200?! thats bloody stupid!!



Previously unicorn-tears

In a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace,
falling into empty space
With no-one there to catch you in their arms


Kahlia1981 & silentgirl are my RYL sisters
Plumeria Sister

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Old 02-06-2011, 02:29 PM   #868
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I was actually wondering about you yesterday, so it's good to hear from you even if things aren't going well. Hold in there hun, you will get through this



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 03-06-2011, 03:14 PM   #869
Kahlia1981
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Kat & Mara: Thank you both. It really does mean a lot to me that you took the time to reply and say hi, and it is really appreciated. *huggles*

Today has been interesting, to say the least. We allowed ourselves to sleep in until we woke but I was still up a couple of times during the night. When I did decide to emerge I was so hot outside that I took off my cardigan and rolled up my sleeves (our patio is in the sunlight for some time in the morning) and when I had had enough of the heat wandered back inside and began to freeze. This time it wasn't a fever, our unit just doesn't warm up during the day. It's going to be brilliant in summer, but right now .... yeah, not so good.

I had a fair bit of physical pains in my chest/lungs today. At one point I lay down and was barely breathing because it hurt so much. My extremeties must have been starting to show it or something because my fiance was concerned immediately. The only thing I really remember well is just feeling absolutely exhausted. With some ventolin and being forced to sit up I got my breathing rate a bit back up but breathing is still hard work. I guess that isn't surprising since I have had some sort of cold, flu or chest infection for quite a while now.

One of my friends' child was allowed to play with a couple of beaded bracelets and they happened to break (they were on beading elastic thread) while she was here. The poor child was terrified thinking that as they had broken something they would get in trouble, but I already knew they were likely to break. As such I am going to use the beads we were able to find (some turned up inside an unpacked box in our spare room even though it happened here) and make a couple of bracelets out of them using fishing line and two metal clasps. That way the girls get something "special" that is much less likely to break immediately after they are given it. It also means that they can play with it while it's on their wrist without the beads popping off.

My family had a "ceremonial stump burning" or BBQ on sunday evening to get rid of debris from trees that had died or been removed and to allow a nice informal family get together. My brother was a bit standoffish towards me and my fiance but I think part of it is because he doesn't really know how to talk to us. As my nanna is coming up this week it looks like we will be having another stump burning to informally get everyone together again. They really are quite a nice affair where everyone pitches in and helps where they can.

I can't write/type much more right now but I really have to say TGIF....



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 03-06-2011, 03:37 PM   #870
crazykat
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Sorry to hear you've been in pain and found it hard breathing, I hope it eases for you soon. Glad your family get together was mostly okay.



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 05-06-2011, 02:35 AM   #871
SoMuchMore
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*hugs you* Sorry its been awhile since i've read this, got so busy with the end of uni and moving, etc... but its good to see you around! Ive been thinking of you lately, especially the last few days when i was trying to catch up a little in the ward.

Sorry to hear that you've been in so much discomfort lately. I hope it gets better hun. Its really nice of you to make those bracelets, so cute.



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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Old 05-06-2011, 02:07 PM   #872
Kahlia1981
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@Kat: Thanks so much hun. Both my fiance and I were surprised by how well the family event actually went. It's a good sign as we will have another family get-together at some point during this week as my maternal grandparents are arriving tomorrow!! *huggles*

@Laura: Hi hun, I know what you mean about being busy... With the moving and applying for uni, sitting my final exam that was deferred from last study period (ending in Feb) from my old uni provider and mostly not having any reliable internet for quite long periods things have been pretty chaotic here.

I meant to mention that my fiance passed the "test" with my family. I realise that sounds really stupid and the fact that we love each other is, and should be, enough. That notwithstanding my family has a special recipe for lemon meringue pie that has been passed down for ages. The "test" for being a happy and successful member of the family is to like the lemon meringue pie. Yep, you heard it right and I know it is stupid. My fiance tasted one for the first time last sunday night - he also had his first taste of butter cake as there are somethings you just don't get regularly in his country of birth - and without even knowing about the "test" said he really liked and enjoyed it. The funniest thing though was that as soon as he said that someone said that he had passed the test and he thought there was something wrong or gross in the ingredients, so they explained.

This was also the first event since my fiance and I got engaged that has involved my nephew and nieces. My oldest niece asked me why I called my fiance "sweetheart" so I replied with "because he is my boyfriend". I got the appropriate "eww gross" reaction typical with a 5 year old, but when her mother rang to say goodnight to both her and her brother she told her mum who was there. I could tell she didn't know what to say about my fiance as she started to identify with "Aunty Kahlia's" and then paused and covered by picking another person ("... dad") and ended up with "and the man that loves Aunty Kahlia". I really wish that my fiance had heard that.

It was also funny when my sister pointed out to her daughter (also 5 years old) that one day she would have to call my fiance Uncle X.. The poor child looked very confused and kept glancing at her mother and father to see if it was a joke or something like that. Then she just stood there for a second, took second glances between me and my fiance and her mum and dad.

Now that my exam is over, and I am enrolled full-time at my new university I have started to calm down a bit and sleep again. I'm still not particularly well, but at least we have a chance now of me being able to put off ECT until christmas when the psych clinic in Cairns will be able to do it. I realise that I may not be able to push it away forever, but if it happened in Cairns instead of Brisbane it would be easier and cheaper for my fiance to be there by my side when required. I'm terrified of having it done to begin with, even though I have already had 1.5 courses (not sessions) back in 2008, but to have to go through a physically and mentally taxing process 1000 miles from home with no real friends or family would be too much for me to bear.

Tomorrow I can apply for an entry to uni bursary which would immensely assist with our finances. Then, prior to semester 1 next year, I will be able to apply for a scholarship. I would dearly love to gain either a bursary or scholarship and am trying to retain my HD (either 7.0 or 4.0 depending on the uni) GPA which would assist with any assistance that is based on merit. I am severely financially disadvantaged which assists with some as well. The only problem I may have is that I am not of Australian Indigenous origin. If I was ATSI I would have so much money coming my way it wouldn't be funny - sorry, not racist but actually true. Of the equity scholarships available in Australia more than 75% of them are based on being of ATSI origin. Of the remaining 25%, 50% are based on people who are in a wheelchair (taken straight from the eligibility criteria on one bursary). 50% of the remainder is for people with a learning disability or other forms of cognitive problems (discludes mental illness) and the remaining ones available for illnesses such as mental illness are almost all for first year, first time students for one year and worth less then half the smallest of any of the others. Meh. I H-A-T-E discrimination...

I am not sure whether I have mentioned this or not but a couple of weeks ago I got taken to the hospital by my fiance to get a rash checked. I am on lamotrigine which brings with it the risk of a fatal disease - Steven-Johnson syndrome. Because SJ syndrome begins with a rash, well before anything damaging is going on internally - patients on the drug are told to get any and every rash we get checked immediately, even if we think we know the cause of the rash. A secondary symptom is flu-like symptoms, and of course as I had a flu/cold/chest infection I was exhibiting those as well. I was triaged as appropriate by the triage nurse but had to tell her I was using the drug for mental illness, which I suspect is where the trouble began. I was classed a category 4 or a 4-hour wait, and waited 5.5 hours to be taken in to see someone.

That someone was a nurse practitioner (NP) who spent more than half an hour getting my entire medical history from conception until that date. She was going off about me smoking, taking my temperature and blood pressure, stating that my cough (from the infection) was caused by smoking, my financial situation and trying to get in to my mental health history. The biggest problem was that she was all over the place and I had no idea what the f*** was going on. She was called away and my fiance and I discussed what had happened. We reached the consensus that neither of us had a clue what she was doing so I went to tell triage I was going to go home and get my GP to check it the next day. The triage nurse was just putting us into the system for a registrar when we were called back by the NP. We explained the situation but she really didn't take it well. She was as pissed off as f***.

We did see a registrar but were pushed right to the back of the cue meaning another 2-hour wait before I was seen. I walked in and the registrar had a look at the rash, said that it wasn't a rash type that matched SJ syndrome and even had a consultant come in and check her diagnosis. They even brought in a book showing some pictures of the rash so we could be more confident and hopefully not have to go through the whole process again in future. That last interchange would have taken no more than 5 minutes from walking in to walking out with a script.

My fiance rang the hospital the next day to make a complaint and try to get some answers to some of the things that had happened - especially why the registrar thought it was a psych matter. The response letter was full of bullshit. They said that they take a thorough medical history of every patient that enters the emergency department that often takes up to an hour. The chick also stated that the registrar had been specially chosen for this situation because she had had experience with people during ECT from an anaesthetics point of view.

My fiance didn't want to respond to the letter but I am going to for a couple of reasons: 1) my mental health was brought into a matter where it should never have even been considered and that is pure direct discrimination. 2) I know for a fact that it is bullshit that they do a complete and detailed medical history of everyone who enters the emergency department. If that was true a person who came in unconscious by ambulance would not be able to be treated unless they gave the staff a complete medical history. To be less direct, I also know the policy does not exist because when I broke my wrist I was asked what happened, told to get x-rays done and return to this spot, then plastered as required end of story. I was not asked when I last went to the toilet or how my psychosis is going, and neither should I have been. 3) directly mentioning ECT in the letter as if ECT had anything to do with the matter at hand is not only discriminatory but downright rude. If I had just had ECT, was currently undergoing ECT or about to have ECT I could understand, but ECT was never even f**king mentioned so where does this bitch get off. I am going to inform her that I am intending to take her to the HQCC and the AntiDiscrimination Committee.

I have had enough of the ****ing bullshit from this hospital. They are all as bad as each other. The best way to fix that problem is nuke the lot and start again.

Grrr.....



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 09-06-2011, 01:43 PM   #873
Kahlia1981
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I don't know why I'm writing now and I'll probably delete this later but I guess I have just reached my breaking point.

When I originally set myself a suicide date it was for the 8th of June, a day I ended up seeing my psychiatrist and telling him everything that was going on. I got through most of the day in a semi-happy state until after my maternal grandparents and my mother had left our house. Suddenly the mood just began to drop like a stone. No hunger. No thirst. Food has no taste and unpleasant textures and colour is fading to black and white. I don't know why this is happening nor how to get relief. It just feels like I am dying inside and only able to hurt the people I love.

My suicide date has been pushed back until after my 3 years SI free milestone day but there is a large part of me that wants to either bring it forward, or forget about it altogether and just get on and do it. The problem I guess is that it would be so easy to do. I can't handle the mental pain right now and am just at a loss. My psychiatrist wanted to wait another 2 weeks before taking action to see if my mood would settle down. I agreed (and still agree) with his logic but I am now in a position where I just quite simply don't know what to do.

My fiance wants me to email my psychiatrist tomorrow if things remain this bad and to ask for guidance. Whilst I logically know that this is the right thing to do I'm continuously asking myself "what's the point?" I was able to see a future and now there is nothing there but black and darkness. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I don't know if there is any help for me out there and cannot even articulate what I am going through and don't know what I need.

We are going to a wedding tomorrow and I'm scared to go in the state that I am in. All I really want to do is lock all the doors and keep everyone but my fiance out. I don't want to see people and I don't want to talk to people. I can't handle even the simplest of things. I just feel like such a failure. I've been asking myself a lot lately why I am even bothering to keep going and to be perfectly honest, I can't answer that question. Maybe I should just give up.



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 10-06-2011, 12:48 AM   #874
PoisonedApple
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*cuddles Kahlia*



I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!

"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"


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Old 11-06-2011, 05:43 AM   #875
SoMuchMore
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*hugs you tight*

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. I'm always around via PM if you want or need to talk to someone.

I do think if you stay feeling like this for the next few days, you should talk to the psychiatrist... Just to see if anything can be done at least in the short term, to help. I know it might feel pointless, but it could be helpful.

Sorry I know this isnt great advice, my head is kind of cloudy, but I wanted to post anyway. You are such a smart, kind, and caring person hun. Definitely not a failure.

Hope you are feeling a bit better. *extra hugs*



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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Old 11-06-2011, 08:12 AM   #876
Kahlia1981
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Right now I have had enough and am ready to walk out of here and leave the entirety of my whole life behind. My fiance told me I play a game with psychologists by being as hard a patient I can until they crack. Well that isn;'t true you ****er and I am so sick of your "assumptions" that are always ****ing wrong. The reason I struggle with psychologists and counsellors is that I've had so many bad experiences that I don't trust them. Also you ****, when I'm down, low or depressed I can't talk. I can't say how I feel. I can't say what I want or need. And if you ****ing ask me what do I want from this session I have no ****ing idea what to say. Sorry you bastard, I can't just become articulate when I can't even make simple sentences. I'm over the bullshit and tempted to just plain leave. He'd never even ****ing notice.

I hate him right now but I hate me even more for ****ing allowing myself to believe that he loved me. I am so close right now to just disappearing off the face of the earth. I have seriously had enough. Get ****ed



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 14-06-2011, 03:51 PM   #877
crazykat
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I'm sorry your struggling so much right now but I agree if things continue to go downhill I think you should speak to your psychiatrist. *Leaves hugs*



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 16-06-2011, 01:33 PM   #878
Kahlia1981
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Today I have experienced some lightening of the darkness my world is currently in. I felt less depressed and have even been able to smile. My fragility was not as bad and I felt able to talk with my fiance when he engaged in activities that act as triggers. The other night I even wrote him a text with some suggestions of what we could put in place to assist me to get through this. It's all a work in progress but it is possible I can get through this, and I can see this today, right here, right now.



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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Old 19-06-2011, 09:53 PM   #879
SoMuchMore
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Hey Kahlia,

I'm glad that you were feeling a bit better a few days ago. I hope you continue to feel better and see lightening in the darkness. I also hope your fiance was receptive to your suggestions. You are right, you can do this! Proud of you for hanging on through everything.

*hugs*



<3

forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past
- buddy wakefield

I won't give up if you don't give up



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Old 21-06-2011, 08:35 AM   #880
Kahlia1981
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Laura: Thanks for your belief in me and your well wishes, as well as the hugs. *hugs back*

My fiancee and I went through the suggestions I had put forward and have begun putting them into action where possible and applicable. We are working on keeping me alive and reducing the darkness. At this stage there has been some improvement and we are hopeful that it will continue.

We are slowly putting the parts for one of the suggestion together. My suggestion was, because there are times I am unable to speak and therefore unable to state what is wrong (suicidal, depressed, anxious, etc.), to create a code word for the most common (and dangerous) states so I can say or text one word and the issue at hand can be known. Naturally it takes a while to organise a suitable set of code words. The code words don't have to have anything to do with mental health, but be instantly recognisable as a "distress" code. Hopefully we will be able to get the pre-work done and be able to attempt to put it in for use. There is definitely the chance that this will make things easier, but there is also the difficulties associated. The trick is going to be to use the most pressing problem (i.e. suicide) first, then add combinatory words for the most common co-existing disorders where appropriate.

We have a house inspection tomorrow and for the last two days we've been cleaning.... or should I say that I have been cleaning. On Monday I cleaned the bathroom and toilet while my fiance slept. Today I cleaned and tidied the main and second bedrooms and the kitchen and dining room, again whilst my fiance slept. This afternoon "we" are supposed to be vacuuming and mopping the floor, but I have a feeling it's going to turn into another "me" job. I'm beginning to get a bit sick of it to be honest. I believe that if there are two of you living in a house, you should share the work. Yes, I do realise that there is a lot to do in everyday living, but getting the house immaculate in three days really does need co-operation.

Meh. Sorry, just not feeling well and in agony to boot, and still having to keep going and doing all the work. Hate it.



She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *


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