I don't know what to do. Since being at Uni I've eaten a good amout (sometimes going into the zone of too much) and then to counteract it I have the odd week where I eat nothing and a fair amount of purging here and there. Since being here I was determined to lose weight but in the last few months I've put on a fair amount. This week I stopped eating Tuesday and then Sunday started taking diet pills as well. Usually I'd eat again today (I have to be weighed first) but I really don't know if I want to. I'm starving - yep, but either I eat and it could turn into a binge/purge/put the weight back on, or I continue eating only when essential (I've already worked out I don't need to eat Tuesday or Wednesday evening this week) so I could get to this time next week eating just the odd lunch or breakfast (while I'm home) and nothing when I'm here at Uni. It scares me because of just how down it makes me feel. I don't know what to do. Eat, put the weight back on and completed detest myself, or don't eat, (hopefully) continue losing and hate myself a bit less
Sorry to hear that you are not coping at the moment. It Seems like your eating patterns are all over the place at the moment. You say sometimes you eat more and then you purge here and there, this isYou need to tell someone what's going on for you, otherwise things will get worse and worse and it'll be harder to overcome.
You mention that you was determinded to lose weight. Are you tecnically "overweight" or is the voice in your head telling you to "lose weight." Many people who suffer with eating disorders have a distored body image. I know my mirror image sometimes agrees with that i'm feeling, and sometimes it differs greatly. I think it's clear to me now that this distortion is the result of my own self-hatred, my own longing to be something and someone that i'm not.
Did you stop eating because you wanted to lose weight? If this is the case, I think you need serious medical help, ASAP. Taking diet pills can have fatal consequences and can really upset your body. You seem to be feeling really down at the moment, and i'm wondering what's triggered this. Has anything in your life happened recently to upset you? Are you under a lot of stress? Sometimes things like this can affect someone's eating patterns, and I was wondering if this is the case for you.
It's such a horrible thing to have to go through, I understand because i've been through it myself. When I was at my worst, all I wanted to go was curl up and die. I thought not eating would bring me perfection and happiness, but it brought me unhappiness, and almost cost me my life. I really don't want this to happen to you, because you deserve so much more in life.
I really do feel you need to talk to someone about this. Do you feel you could go and see your GP? I think it would really help you. In the mean time, you should take a look at this website: http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home They have a helpline, and an email, so I think that would be of some use to you.
Please don't hesitate to contact me if you want to talk. I'm always here and the PM box is always open.
"Strength doesn't always roar. Sometimes strength is the voice at the end of the day saying i'll try again tomorrow"
It's ok not to be coping, darling, and first off, I want to let you know that. Well done for asking for help, and for posting.
Well done for eating well at uni - start as you mean to go on, and all that :). Please remember that healthy eating does mean that you eat a little (or a lot) too much, and too little at times - but it maintains in the long run.
What triggered this change? You say that you had been feeling that you wanted to lose weight for a while - what finally swung you into eating nothing? Have you tried charting when you restrict, when you binge, and when you eat normally, to see if there is any correlation, any way that you can find your triggers and work out coping mechanisms?
You said that it scares you - you know that this isn't healthy, Hannah, and that's awesome. It just shows that you have the wider perspective, the objectivity that a lot of people with eating disorders lack.
You mentioned getting weighed - does that mean that you have professional help, of some sort? Are you able to talk to them about your concerns, and what's going on with you at the moment?
What about finding a mid-way between those two options? Both of them are rather extreme, why not find the balance - maybe eat, but rather than jump straight back into binging & purging, increase your diet gradually? Introduce perhaps a regular meal plan, starting at quite a low calorific number, and gradually increase it - adding maybe 100 or so calories a week? That way, you can get back into healthy eating, without scaring yourself, emotionally.
Do you really think that you'd hate yourself less if you really did lose? Based on what you know of your own feeling, and the experience of others, would you really be happier if you lost weight?
There really isn't anything I can add, these guys couldn't have put it any better.
Just want to send *hugs*, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I'e been through some very similar times and I know how isolating and lonely it can be to be struggling with an ED at uni.
Diet pills are really really dangerous, especially when you're not eating. I took too many, for far too long and have ended up completely psychologically dependent on them and with only a damaged heart to show for it. As wrong as that voice in your head will have you believe it, you need to eat, it's nothing to feel guilty about. You could become poorly very quickly, and then miss out on what should be the best time of your life. Try to increase your intake so that you're regularly getting something inside you, even if it's just something really small...baby steps.
Are you getting any support at uni?
I'm not afraid to fall,
It means I climbed up high.
To fall is not to fail,
You fail when you don't try.