Triggering (SI/ED) - I Can't Cope. I'm So Sorry. *generally triggering*
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sat here crying and it's stupid.
Prom is tomorrow. I'm 3lbs higher than the weight I told myself I'd be by prom and I just can't cope.
It's stupid. I hate big meals anyway and that's what prom is. But just when I thought I could cope with that all I've done this whole week is ****ing binged. I can sort of cope through the day, but by the evening I'm binging again.
I tried to tell myself it was okay. It's only fruit. But I was eating bananas too. Bananas! 119 calories. I might as wall just have had a bowl of Crunchy Nut.
Eugh, my dress is too big now. It just makes me look fatter. But I guess that's right because whenever I look in the mirror I just see a huge obese useless blob of fat. Even my hands are fat. Sausage fingers.
I've been on pro ana sites as well. I know I shouldn't, I'm not anywhere near anorexic, but I feel like I want to trigger myself. I do want to. I was looking at 'real girl' thinspo, as much as I dislike it, because then I can tell myself that real girls are thin a beautiful, not just photoshopped ones.
I don't know why I'm doing it. Well I do. But I know it's wrong and I do it anyway.
2 months OD free, working towards one month SI free and I want to blow it all now. I feel so horrible.
Sorry that's so ranty, and I'm sorry for being so stupid. I probably triggered a whole load of people and I'm sorry for that too. I just need some hugs I guess?
Katie honey, i wish i could take all this away for you because you don't deserve this sweetie.
Sweetie you know that what you're doing is bad for your body honey. It's dangerous and will only lead to more problems. Pro ana sites are very dangerous too honey. I know they seem like they are good because some of the thoughts they say on there are what you are thinking, but they are bad sweetheart, they will just keep you in this cycle for longer and not let you reach recovery.
You will look lovely for your prom. I've seen photo's of you and you are absolutely gorgeous! Honestly. You just shine, you really do and you will look absolutely stunning so you will have no worries about that =)
Well done for the OD and SI free.... you've come so far with that, don't slip now. You don't want to slip sweetie. Just think to why you started to recover from that in the first place. There was a reason so hold onto that honey.
If you need anything then you know where i am, yeah? =)
Take care of yourself. I don't really know what else i can add, but you should be so proud of yourself for being 1 month OD free *grins and hugs you* and working towards to being 1 onth SI free *dances like a nutter*. I am so proud of you sweetie but we all make mistakes and think about doing it or slip up, thats part of life so don't beat yourself up for thoes thoughts, unfortunatly they come at some of the worse times, as you know.
I just wanted to say, we all love you sweetie. You are such a star, even if you don't feel like it right now.
Take care and remember we are always here!!
*hugs* I'm sure you will be beautiful at your prom. jsut try to enjoy yourself and try not to worry about your weight. no-one else will be thinking anything of it, they will jsut think you look stunning.
as for binging at night, if you try to eat 3 meals during the day then you shouldn't feel the need to binge at night. I know it's hard but even if you ate something small during the day it might help.
well done on being od and cut free, keep it up, please don't give in now, you have so much to be well for.
you are so amazing
you can get through this, you know, you're a fighter.
If only you'd ever speak to me
the way you once did
look at me the way you once did
pull to me the way you once did
but you don't
you don't feel anymore
you don't care anymore
it's all gone
it's all gone
Well prom was last night.
I kind of feel like I let you guys down.
I didn't cut or OD or anything. And I didn't purge because people came into the bathroom.
But I hardly ate anything all day then I kind of just had a few mouthfuls of everything. I ate the bread roll, but I had like two spoons of soup, half a carrot, a couple of mouthfuls of chicken and potato and the piece of orange from the top of the chocolate thing.
Then I danced like a madwoman to burn it all off.
I'm sorry =[
Katie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so cr** today. I can totally understand how you feel and have been there more times than I care to remember. Sweetie, your prom is tomorrow and however bad you are feeling right now you need to be brave and go and hold your head up and you will look fabulous. These thoughts of guilt and disgust and unable to cope aren't you, they are the ED talking. And 3lb really won't make any difference at all. I know it feels like each pound is huge, and you feel a failure if you've gained a pound or if you've not lost weight, but it is such a small measure of weight you really mustn't let it ruin your prom.
Evening is the time when I struggle not to binge too. It is much easier during the day to be careful what you eat but it is only natural that by evening your body is wanting more food and its hard to resist. And when you start eating its hard to stop. I know you know this already, but it sounds like you need to try to increase the amount you are eating during the day, so your body doesn't crave binging come evening time. Starving yourself makes you obsess about food and binging.
Set yourself targets today - do things which will make you feel pampered and luxurious. Have a long hot bubble bath, put nice moisturiser on, file and paint your nails, style your hair, maybe do a face mask. You deserve to have a great time tomorrow, don't think about the food when you are there, tell yourself you will deal with that the next day. Take care hun and have a wonderful time! *Hugs* Love