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Old 16-06-2007, 11:07 PM   #1
TheCon
 
*Triggering (ED/SI/OD)* Desperate.

Right, i'm absolutely terrified about posting in here and to be honest this is going to be rather pointless and stupid.

I just feel completely desperate.
I'm trying really bloody hard to get my act together, with cutting, with overdosing, drinking, drugs and my ED but I can just feel myself slipping back into it.

I'm desperate to cut, I haven't in like...a week or so, which isn't a lot, i know but still. I'm just desperate to really hurt myself. I feel so lonely and i feel like if i did it, maybe that would help a bit.
I just want to get extremely drunk and extremely high, even though i turn into an absolute cunt when i do. My friend said to me a couple of weeks ago that she LOVES the drunk me. I'm losing friends because i've been such an arrogant little prick but i feel like if i just drink and do drugs i'll be who they want me to be again.

I was doing okay with my eating disorder, i was eating 2 meals a day, i was doing well. I hadn't purged in months, i still had issues with my weight but i wasn't acting so much on those issues, now i just want to start everything again, i want to restrict to a small amount of calories again, i want to purge everything i eat again. I want to be tiny again.

I was so looking forward to the end of my exams and the start of summer and now that it's here, i'm terrified. I don't know why, but i am. I just want to be happy this summer, i have so many amazing things planned and i want to be able to enjoy them without getting down. I'm so scared this summer will be a disappointment.

Sorry for that, it probably doesn't even make sense. I just had to get it out.

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Old 16-06-2007, 11:39 PM   #2
Greyscale
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First off, it wasn't stupid. Second, congratulations on one week free! I know things are tough now and you just want to give in to the urges you're having, but things will get easier with time. You just have to keep pushing. I know it's hard, but you really need to keep up your eating. It sounds like you've been doing so well, don't give in just yet, keep working on it. I bet you can even do 3 meals a day if you try really hard. I know summer seems daunting, but maybe set some goals you want to accomplish and just work on them. That way you'll have some things to do and you won't have to be disappointed. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
xx
Laura

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Old 17-06-2007, 12:08 AM   #3
TheCon
 

Thanks for the reply

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Old 17-06-2007, 09:48 AM   #4
Snow White.
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Join Date: May 2004
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Hey,

I know sometimes it can be hard to post, but I'm really glad you did beause when we are feeling desperate is when we need to reach out for support the most.

It sounds like you're trying really hard and you have a lot of things that you are battling, and I am sure it must be so draining and tiring to have to face all of that, I don't blame you for being desperate or wanting some relief.

Sometimes when I feel lonely, I want to cut too. Something about the distraction to that feeling, the release. But there are other ways to go about it and I know you won't really be thrilled, do try and stop yourself from harming - any amount of time you going with hurting yourself is an achievement, so don't deminish it just because it is a week. I think that's great.

Drinking & doing drugs isn't going to help what you're going through now, please try and keep free from them. For starters, alcohol is a depressant, but otherwise they also blur your sense of reality and even though things are tough now, I think it's important for you to be aware of what you're doing and in control of that.

If your self harm / alcohol / and eating issues are acting up again, it means there's an underlyin cause to this, and I'm sure that's partially you're lonliness. Remember we are all here for you and here to listen, maybe it's worth reaching out to some of your friends and letting them know you need a bit of support at the moment, that things are tough.

Try not to fear the dissapointment. Try and focus on the fantastic things you have planned, try and remember that even if things get hard you can do some things you enjoy to pick your mood up - even temporarily. But plan things and plan things you'll enjoy and take advantage of some of what you've got in this summer break, I hope things will pick up for you soon. If they don't find someone you can talk to about what you're going through, such as a counsellor or a therapist, or a family member or friend you can talk to and trust for a bit of validation.

I hope you're alright,
Best Wishes
Aimee xoxoxoxo

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Old 17-06-2007, 10:12 AM   #5
abcdefgpie
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheCon View Post
Right, i'm absolutely terrified about posting in here and to be honest this is going to be rather pointless and stupid.

I just feel completely desperate.
I'm trying really bloody hard to get my act together, with cutting, with overdosing, drinking, drugs and my ED but I can just feel myself slipping back into it.

I'm desperate to cut, I haven't in like...a week or so, which isn't a lot, i know but still. I'm just desperate to really hurt myself. I feel so lonely and i feel like if i did it, maybe that would help a bit.
I just want to get extremely drunk and extremely high, even though i turn into an absolute cunt when i do. My friend said to me a couple of weeks ago that she LOVES the drunk me. I'm losing friends because i've been such an arrogant little prick but i feel like if i just drink and do drugs i'll be who they want me to be again.

I was doing okay with my eating disorder, i was eating 2 meals a day, i was doing well. I hadn't purged in months, i still had issues with my weight but i wasn't acting so much on those issues, now i just want to start everything again, i want to restrict to a small amount of calories again, i want to purge everything i eat again. I want to be tiny again.

I was so looking forward to the end of my exams and the start of summer and now that it's here, i'm terrified. I don't know why, but i am. I just want to be happy this summer, i have so many amazing things planned and i want to be able to enjoy them without getting down. I'm so scared this summer will be a disappointment.

Sorry for that, it probably doesn't even make sense. I just had to get it out.
It's not pointless or stupid.
And don't be sorry, we're here to help and we don't mind.

Then we'll be here to catch me.
Feel free to PM me whenever if you need support.

Hey, don't put yourself down. A week is a real achievement - well done.
You know that it won't help right?
Think about last time you did it...how did you feel once you passed the initial release/relief? Disappointed with yourself? Scared? In pain?
*hugs*
You're not arrogant.
And what you could think about is whether they're good friends if they want you to be that way when you don't?
You need to be who you want to be.
You don't belong to anyone else.

That's an amazing achievement.
Well done.
I know it's hard but you gotta try and keep it up.
Remember I'm here if you need to talk.

*more hugs*
Take care.
Love and hugs, Rhiannon xxx



For what it's worth it was worth all the while. I hope you had the time of your life...

I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh; I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry

~ ddoouubbllee lleetttteerr tthhrreeaaddeerr
~ honourary emma
~ honourary katY [Kat*Y* with a *Y* Club]

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Old 17-06-2007, 09:01 PM   #6
TheCon
 

Thanks for the replies, they really helped. I managed not to cut last night but i got quite drunk today, though it was with friends and i had an amazing time so it wasn't on my own, like usual.
But yeah, your replies have really helped and thanks =]

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Old 18-06-2007, 12:16 AM   #7
TheCon
 

Fuck it, i'm cutting, i can't fucking stand this anymore.

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Old 18-06-2007, 03:08 AM   #8
pigeon
 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New York

Hey hun, I know all this must be so tough for you right now, but please stay strong. Just take it one day at a time. Even if you slip back into some old bad habits that aren't going to solve anything now, look at what you've done before. A week- that's huge! Everyone here is so proud of you, and you should be extremely proud of yourself. If you lasted a week once, you can do it again for sure, and even longer. If you mess up, it's ok, most people do at some point. But tomorrow is a new day and you can pick yourself up and start again. I know you can do this, keep your head up and stay safe. You can do this. Best of luck <3

x pigeon

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