Triggering (SI) - Today would have been my wedding anniversary

D-liscious · 16-06-2007, 07:00 PM

6 years ago today, was the best day of my life!

I married the man i was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, it was a beautiful day, hot and sunny, they told me " the sun shines on the righteous"

everyone said it was like a fairytale, i was the princess and he my handsome prince.

we went to the church and made our promises to each other how little did i know then, at 21years old, how empty those promises would become.

I met the man who is now my ex-husband about when I was about 9 months cut free, he treated me like a princess from a foreign land, we spent endless days in his Romanian home talking about what life was like in my distant land, I told him about my past and showed him my scars, and he didn’t care! he loved me just the same, he taught me to value my self and that i was a nice person, he taught me to like myself he gave me confidence and the precious gift of happiness, if only i knew then he would take it back!

When he told me he was unhappy, I tired to support him in his quest for happiness but I failed so I let him go, it was what he asked me to do.

I was so blind his weekend trips with the boys were not weekend trips with the boys, he was visiting her, i was clueless how could i have been so blind! so naive?!

but she didn’t make him happy either so he came back, and i was glad to have him my prince charming!

by the time we had got counselling it was to late he had bought a flat and was leaving. Shattering my dreams and taking with him all the precious gifts he had given me.

I fought my urges till i could fight no more, i began cutting again, i went for help, my GP told me my cuts were pathetic! so i guess i had to cut deeper before he will help!

we began to date again i really thought we could work things out, then totally by accident i found out she was living with him all that time,
i just want to die! i have nothing left to live for, "there will never be another you, C*****U! - you were the one for me!"

the divorce came through in April, i thought it was a new beginning but it feels mote like the end.

and so today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary, I’m worse now than when I was 18, all I ever wanted was for you to love me.
I guess my purpose is for others pleasure, I must give them what they need to be happy, until I have nothing left to give, not even this damaged body.

Sorry that was so long, i just wanted to tell you. XXX

D-liscious · 17-06-2007, 12:35 PM

and so now im starting to scare myself, im cutting more and worse than before, the changing room in my placement is always busy, sso they will notice, what do i tell them, there is no way this could have been the cat or the garden, hopefully they will be to polite to say anything.
hell! what do i care really, i should have known i would never make it. September im due to qualify! - and then what i may as well finish it now.
what is it that stops me? im faling at this too, there is nothing left in me

he has taken it all, and now im worse so much worse.
i want to give up so badly, but something wont let me, i care to much to do it to them, but when they find out what ive been doing it will be so much worse.

i dont know what to do any more - nothing helps now.

so sad, so sorry.

Queen Crabbit · 17-06-2007, 03:49 PM

I wish I had some magic words, but I don't really. However I couldn't just leave a *hug* and no reply.

You are better off without him. It may not feel like it all the time but you are.

I know it's hard, but try to put all this hurt into proving that you don't need him. That you CAN do this without him. Because you can.

xox

chocostashchick · 17-06-2007, 09:18 PM

Honey, it will get better. He didn't deserve you, and in the end it was his loss and your gain. Listen to yourself and follow your gut - you may have moments of despair and of wanting to give up and take the easy way out, but that part of you that says "No! Keep fighting!" is what you have to listen to. You know, deep down, that this can be better, so go for it! I don't know the details of your situation, but as far as what to tell people about your SI, is there somebody you can be honest in and confide in? You shouldnt have to go through this alone.

D-liscious · 17-06-2007, 10:52 PM

thanks so much guys,

its just that i thought my battle with SI was over and now i realise that its something i will battle for the rest of my life, im different from everyone, they tell me jokingly i wird if only they knew the tuth.
Im a nursing student due to finish in september, if i ever make it that far, sometimes i woner what the point really is, its hard to trust anyone, in there helping they may cause more trouble.

Thanks i do have one really good friend, he helps and supports me so much, i just hate dissapionting him each time trip and fall i feel i hurt him more.

thanks so much for your replys, it does mean so much to know you care.

XXXXX