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Old 05-06-2007, 03:11 AM   #1
Kallisti
I wonder.
 
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Graphic / Triggering - (for all sorts of things+adult) Down the spiral again.

Everything's just clumping altogether horribly.

I quit my job with about a 50% chance of getting a new one.
I cut myself tonight for the first time in a year.
I've been looking desireously at suicide attempt -> hospitalization or maybe just getting rid of myself as a fix to these problems.

My girlfriend (doesn't know everything that's going on yet) but is Buddhist and puts every pain down to the delusion of believing in a self.

My parents are Catholic and want to send me to counseling with a priest (I want more psychotherapy not that again!).

I'm hating my body for every concievable reason. I feel and think as a girl and yet the hormones and anatomy of a male are just altogether distressing.

The memories of my abuse are making me completely scared of sexuality ...again. I'm scared of it and it brings me pain I thought I was able to get over.

I'm having an interview for a new job in two days.

And on top of everything else, my girlfriend is coming over in three days and I'm a miserable breakdown.

I don't know.
What the fnck do I do?
I see the world as nothing but a cold cruel machine.
No love.
I'm so sick (of everything).



"When I was a little kid, my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did..."

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Old 05-06-2007, 03:17 AM   #2
_Cadence_
fvck off. hold me.
 
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I don't know what to tell you- i'm sorry. I can listen though- if you ever wanna talk, i'll listen as long as you want! *massive hugs*



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Old 05-06-2007, 04:56 AM   #3
Mystified
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Sorry! My advice would be to put all your pent up tension into something else right now...like maybe writing, if that's your thing, or jogging, or sleeping even...just anything to take your mind off it. I'm sorry your feeling down. I'm a great listener (at least I think so), if you ever wanna talk...

*hugs*



~Tiffany~

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Old 05-06-2007, 03:16 PM   #4
perfection is a flaw
 
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im sorry that youre having such a bad time, i dont really have anything useful to say but im thinking of you. *hugs*
i hope things get better for you soon
take care x x x

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Old 05-06-2007, 04:18 PM   #5
bittennails
 
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hey
i know this may not be the best thing to say, but there is love in the world and theres love for you, please keep going, i know its difficult but theres life and love out there for you.

have you been able to talk to your parents/girlfriend about how your feeling at the moment? peoples religious beliefs can sometimes make it difficult to explain how/why we're feeling as low as we are, but hopefully they'd be understanding and supportive.

or talk to your doc? perhaps get refered for some therapy? sounds like you've got an awful lot building up, perhaps some professional support would help.

im around if you ever want to chat, pm me please.
much love and hugs
b x



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Old 05-06-2007, 07:35 PM   #6
Belt
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Alright what's going on? Why did you leave your job? Why suicide?
-Jeez, wish I could reply better. Just hold on lovely. Talk to us!



"Robyn, so many people care about you.
You know that."


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Old 06-06-2007, 03:02 AM   #7
Kallisti
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My job...everybody's very unrespectful there, and even though they don't know that I'm "deviant" in any way, their comments hurt me. When I'm sad they're telling me to smile. I need to leave that place. Maybe I'll get a new one at an organic market...secretly I'm kind of hoping I fail at getting the job, even though I have an interview tomorrow.

My girlfriend...I love her but at the same time it's like she's growing thorns (but it's not her doing it, it's that I feel pain when I try to talk to her or anything). It's really getting to be horrible. I don't know what to do and I don't believe it's anywhere near the point where we need to leave each other but it still hurts deeply.

I just feel really hopeless. Every dream I have ever had has broken, and so I feel like not dreaming anymore.

I'm transsexual MtF and I don't think I'll ever be able to feel right in this body. And I'm surrounded by a conservative Catholic family who is currently trying to send me to counseling with a priest. I go to a therapist once a month but I need to see him more often. Or maybe someone else...the problem's that I won't be on my parent's insurance much longer.

I used to feel (like, a few months ago, for the first time in my life) healthy and positive about my own sexuality -- ignoring gender -- but that's all come crashing down and I can hardly stand getting dressed much less feeling...you know. I'm cold.

I dunno. Right now I'm not falling apart, I just feel sort of dull. I hate feeling like this because I feel that I'm faking all of this. "Come on, Alex(is), you're not really depressed."

I also think I bombed my Trig exam today. And I'm normally really good at it.

...I'm just screwed up.


Last edited by Kallisti : 06-06-2007 at 03:15 AM. Reason: more to write


"When I was a little kid, my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did..."

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Old 06-06-2007, 10:37 AM   #8
Belt
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Look who's to say you're not depressed-no one can say 'They understand' because everyone's situation is different-if you feel upset-then you can feel upset. It's a free freakin' country! Nobody should tell you how you should feel, ever.

Could you talk to your colleages? Or would it just be better to get that new job? Maybe a change of scenery would do you good-I find when I'm depressed that changing schedules etc. really helps. It's like a breath of fresh air-you're brain can't trick you into saying, "It's the same place-My life is so dead etc."

Sounds difficult about your girlfriend. Does she know about this? You feel pain when you talk to her-is it because you're don't want to cause her pain? Talk about this to her-don't just leave because 'you can't deal with a relationship' You might need her support through this-and you never know maybe she wants to help you too.

Exams are exams-if you fail, you can re-sit. But just take comfort in that you know you're usually very good-and that it was an 'off day' you've got ability-that's something to be proud on, focus on it.

Are you catholic? If not-do you really think talking to a priest will help? Could you make that clear to your family? Maybe being independant about who you choose to talk to will help you gain some confidence?

You're not screwed up-I promise, you're just going through some rough patches. And you're dealing with it. There's no reason to be ashamed-you're fighting this, struggling, but at least you're fighting! That's so much better than just standing aside and letting all manner of bad happen.

Hold on dear

Robyn x



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You know that."


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Old 06-06-2007, 12:35 PM   #9
Kallisti
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Yes, I do love her and appreciate the support I get from her but I just get really defensive when I'm not feeling happy, so I have a very hard time letting people in (especially those I know and trust).

It's the morning right now, so I'm more or less rational and neutrally-mooded.
She's coming tomorrow, so hopefully I'll be able to talk more with her. I did tell her that I'm transsexual though, and she's wonderful in saying that, "(she) loves me as a person."

No I'm not Catholic, although my parents think I am (I tried telling them once but I couldn't resist their pressure to "repent"). I'm agnostic/nonreligious (although when I'm not depressed I have embraced spirituality).

Actually, spring is frequently a hard time for me because everything IS changing. Today is my last day of Senior exams. Which means (for all non-Americans) that it is my last year of high school. I may or may not go to college next spring.

Meh.



"When I was a little kid, my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did..."

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Old 06-06-2007, 12:53 PM   #10
_Cadence_
fvck off. hold me.
 
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*massive hugs* I'm here if you ever wanna talk!

PS I really like your myspace page :)



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Old 07-06-2007, 02:47 PM   #11
bittennails
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Belt View Post
You're not screwed up-I promise, you're just going through some rough patches. And you're dealing with it. There's no reason to be ashamed-you're fighting this, struggling, but at least you're fighting! That's so much better than just standing aside and letting all manner of bad happen.

Hold on dear
100% agreed.

if you can start to deal with how you're feeling then that shows an amazing amount of strength and maturity. it sounds like your girlfriend is incredably supportive so i hope you can use her to help you through this rough patch, im sure she'd want to. times of change are always dffcult, especially if you've got alot of other things happening at the same tme. i hope you can look at finishing high school as a new start and a positive thing. i think your doing amazing just to be sharing this stuff.

keep going

hugs x



where did everybody go?

i've lost my family


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Old 07-06-2007, 06:23 PM   #12
Arohnr
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Congrats on coming out to your gf.

Matt

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