Maybe it's only me, and maybe I've got some other undiagnosed illness...but I have to ask...does anyone actually like being sick. See, for me, I'm "addicted" to hospitals and doctors all that stuff. So, for me, getting over or better from anything I have is only more terrifying. I think I'm "addicted" to the caring, security, and the fact that people acknowledge my existance. Is anyone else like this?
I've actually identified this as being a problem. It would account for my numerous ER visits and psych evals. It would also account for my lack of progress in my SI and ED. Fear of getting better? I know it sounds strange, and hell I'm pretty strange so it wouldn't surprise me that no one else thinks like this. Just wondering though.
I kinda understand what you are saying..... What is your initial diagnosis cos that can be a symptom of bpd? If you are interested google "Munchausen disorder, or Factitious Disorder. You may meet the other criteria for these disorders. Otherwise maybe this is the only way you feel that you can get people to take notice and show they care about you
I don't fake anything, and I don't do it for any financial gain or anything. I don't really make myself sick, but rather, I won't let myself get better. I've read up on bother before, and I hardly think that I fit the criteria for either one, from what I read about peole with either of those hide the fact they do these things. For me, I wonder why I do this -it's almost as if I do it half the time without thinking.
I know what you mean. I have BPD and it is a symptom of that. I find it really hard to get better because that no longer means i have the care of people or around me or support from professionals. I found it reallt hard to 'let go' of my illness and be normal again.
However, i did get better and leave all the proffesionals behind about a year and half ago, and i was feeling a lot better and no longer felt like i needed their help so it wasn't too bad.
I'm now getting unwell again and having the same feelings.
I think if you are feeling that way it is becase you are unwell and need someone to notice you and take care of you. Does that make sense?
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
I understand this too. When I try to look into my future, I imagine hospitals and doctors waaay before imagining anything 'normal' or being 'recovered'. Sometimes I get urges to let my depression take over and feel terrible just because I want to go to hospital or be sent to my psych.
Sometimes I feel like I have to prove that I'm sick by doing bad things rather than actually being urged on by my illness. Unless it is part of my illness? I don't know.
I think it makes perfect sense that I do these behaviors because I'm unwell. Like, I have a hard time expressing myself and exactly how I feel-so I can appear to be normal and better when I'm just the same or worse. And another thing, I think the desire to be sick is stronger when I feel seperated from any support. And maybe part of this is delusional, but when I feel ignored, it's as if I'm not sick or important enough-and this alone makes me depressed so in order to protect myself from these feelings, I have to become more sick?
And I too also can't picture being 'normal'. Whenever someone asks "where do you see yourself in ten years?" I always have a weird picture coming to mind. I don't see myself better, I see myself the same way -living with the illness, and the scary feeling that I'm almost embracing it. Doing bad things, I sometimes am the same way. It's like when I'm just getting better I screw it up because I'm afraid or I feel that I'm not worth it. Maybe it's because of whatever part of my illness I have, but I sometimes feel I have to prove that I'm actually sick-that it's not in my head, that it's not mild or anything.
I knwo what you mean, and I was like this for a very long time, and I am now making a lot of progress (if I do say so myself). I was in and out of psych hospitals for two and a half years. I was genuinely unwell, but when I gave up hope of ever getting better I became addicted to the hospital the diagnoses. I spent ages trying to find the perfect disease to label myself with, because I had a complicated shape of symptoms and nothing fitted and it really scared me that they didn't know exactly what was wrong with me, so I became obsessed with finding it out. Not to Bible Bash, but this verse my Mum found really described me;
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
I didn't think I would ever get better. I thought I would be in hospital forever and I acted like it, to the extent my doctor told me he thought I was looking at being in psychiatric hospital forever the way I was behaving. I couldn't bear being alive and I sought refuge wherever I could find it, and that was mainly hospital because there I could be crazy at ease. I was able to be safe, to have something to protect me from the terrible desires to harm myself and I was able to have a lot of help, which I did need, from my OCD and such.
What helped was called 'Systems' work, it is for BPD. I did it before I was diagnosed with it though (I was too young when this started to be given a PD Diagnosis). I would look at my core beliefs, for instance that the world was unsafe and I was only safe when I was in hospital. I then came up with alternative beliefs and set about proving them. Hold on, I'll find what I wrote;
Out of hospital/residential care I am
I can't remember the other column.
If I am with Mum and the cats I am safe.
Being normal and ok doesn't mean I'm less interesting
Being normal and ok doesn't stop me being unique
Being normal and ok doesn't stop me being me
Being normal and ok doesn't stop me doing anything.
By being normal and ok I am special
By being normal and ok I am doing what my Dad wants.
By being normal and ok I am intelligent.
It is ok to sometimes feel abnormal and not ok.
It is ok to need support.
It is ok to feel jealous and down.
Ok action now;
When I feel abnormal and not ok I need to
have a hug
have a drink
believe in myself.
It took me three years to get out of hospital, and I am still unwell and I still have intensive therapy and a lot of medication. However I am not in hospital, and I am in mainstream school. I was out of mainstream school for three years due to being in hospital. I am looking at universities and I no longer want to be a hospital inpatient.
Sorry to go on, I just want you to know you can ge tbetter. I was so sure I wouldn't. I accepted that I was never going to get better, and so did my parents. But you can change things, but it takes a lot of work. And it really is worth it. If you'd like to talk more I'm here for you. :)
what you have written seems similar to me for some reason. I know I havent been in hospital like you, but I can relate to looking for a diagnosis. I have been looking everything up trying to find out what is wrong. Who knows there may not be something wrong. Do I just want another diagnosis other than OCD and Depression.
I make up stories in my head where my therapists comfort and take care of me. I have even looked them up on the interent. I am worried about therapists leaving. When I first met my gp I asked if she was leaving.
I only feel like I can cope if I am around my mum and have therapy on a regular basis. Although I have been seeing people for 2 years now and have seen very little change.
I do wonder if I have a personality disorder and am likely to speak to a gp on wednesday. I know you cant diagnose, but do you think it could be likely that I suffer with BPD?
I really am wondering if I am like that, nothing has got better even though I have had help and therapy. I wonder if I have made things out to be worse than they are so people look after me. I really feel like I should mention this to someone.
I was looking up munchausen and it's relation to BPD, here's what I found...
"Approximately 50% of those with Munchausen Syndrome are subject to drug abuse, and many have borderling personality disorder."
"It is often noted that patients with BPD are attracted to the care, structure, and drama of medical situations. They are drawn to this environment both as patients and as a career choice.It is now well recognized that BPD underlies the majority of cases' of Munchausen's syndrome."
"often present traumatic events, particularly abuse and deprivation and numerous hospitalizations in childhood and as adults lack support from relatives and/or friends. Because of that, they consider that hospitalization is unconsciously used to recreate the desired parent-child bond they lacked in reality."
I also found alot of information that connected BPD, munchausen, bulimia, and SI. Suggesting that all are somewhat related...it's interesting reading up on this stuff, and the more I read, the more I understand...and the more I start connecting everything-it starts making sense.
It's like...it's starting to describe me really well. I mean, it's been forever that I've been like this-but it just seems to be getting to a point that I recognize that this is a problem.
As I start to think, I can't tell if what I do is part of another illness of what. For example, my SI comes in many forms that include bone breaking. So I break bones not only because it's SI, but because I enjoy going to the hospital/doctor. It gets confusing, like is there a seperation or is one just there because the other one is? Like, I said, I never fake anything, I'll "nurture" my symptoms or exaggerate them. In the past I got chest pain(makes sense b/c of my ED) but I decided(for whatever reason) that it was incredibly bad(it wasn't at first). I started thinking that I would fake bad chest pain and go to the hospital-than I actually started feeling horrible. Went to the hospital, pulse and blood pressure were elevated, collapsed (not on purpose) in triage, was put on a heart monitor, had an EKG, given some meds, finally went home. So, I wonder, has it gotten so bad that when I think something it happens? Gets confusing sometimes :\
we've done something on that ^ in Psychology, but I can't really remember much >_<
I just wanted to post here because it reminded me of something my tutor said to me the other week, we were talking about recovery (depression, ED) and she asked me what was I scared about, and was it that getting 'better' meant that it would make me vulnerable just like everyone else. As I wouldn't have my 'illness' to hide behind.
I do not enjoy it. But she has a point and made me think about the hiding behind it, if that makes sense?
I don't mean to hijack your thread, it just reminded me of that so I thought I'd share (:
Hey, have you looked up munchausen by proxy? You could have Munchausen's even if you do have a real medical problem, (because subconsciously or consciously) you have created it. IE: like breaking
bones. Most people with Munchahausen's do things like inject themseleves with bacteria. Thus when they present to the hospital they are really ill, it is however as a result of something that they have inflicted upon themselves. Hope this makes sense
Munchausen by Proxy is when a parent or caregiver makes their child/children sick in order to receive the attention. That's really not the issue here.
I only realy looked up munchausen and the connection to bpd, because it caught my interest that so many with bpd were saying they felt the same way. The problem with suggesting you have munchausen to anyone, is people start to think you're faking everything. However, I think you'd be better off suggesting it yourself than if someone were to diagnose it for you.
I think another problem is that people with bpd(myself included) fear that once we admit that we "like" being in the hospital, or being under a doctors' care that we may end up losing that. And this fear, I believe, keeps so many people from admitting a problem-that and the thinking that they are the only ones who do this.
Argh. I went off to think about this and it has been bugging me all day.
I do NOT think this is munchausens. It is normal to want to be cared for and looked after, especially if you have been ill for a long time. Munchausens is very rare, first of all. Secondly you may have exaggerated your symptoms, which you often have to do to get help, you may not have a reason to be ill, you may not understand what's wrong with you and the doctors may have said they don't know what's wrong with you. That does not mean you have munchausens. It just means you are complicated (as my doctor said). All these things are actually quite normal. If you had munchausens you would be aware of it, Smile, you said you have OCD, it is typical of OCD to make you think you are making things up and make you second guess yourself.
The people here who have talked about these feelings, whom I have seen around, all have long and enduring illnesses that have needed a lot of support from psychiatric services. If you want to diagnose yourself with anything for wanting to be in hospital, call it institutionalisation. Just because you want to be cared for, you want attention, you want to be in hospital does not make you a fake because there are reasons for you to want this. I know someone in real life who I am convinced has munchausens. None of you seem like her, you all seem like people who have suffered a lot and don't understand why you're suffering and to be able to blame anyone, even yourself would be a relief.
Also if there's anyone here who hasn't been in and out of psychiatric services/hospitals etc, it's still normal to want this careand attention. Because you know you're unhappy and you want desperately for someone to acknowledge this and to help you.
Of course, this might not be relevant to you, and you might all think I'm speaking a load of bullshit. But those were from my own experience and from seeing other people in hospital.
Smile, I relate so much to what you have said, do you want to talk on msn at all? Me and a lot of other people on the ward I was in looked up our therapists on the internet etc. However, I used to and still do fantasize about something happening and my therapist saving me. I am terrible about therapists leaving, to the point that I've been suicidal (it sound dumb I know). It takes a very long time for some people to get better. I was in therapy and in hospital for 2-3 years before I saw any change. I still feel I need regular therapy, medication etc (and so do my doctors, I might add). And your feelings are likely to be very valid, if you feel you need therapy, you probably still do, but it's important to work out how much and not to let being ill take oer your life, as I did. With the diagnoses thing, they are bloody horrid when nothing seems to fit. Also I felt a lot of shame when I was diagnosed with OCD and Depression because they seemed like things I should be able to control.
Alyssa, I think you are very brave for saying that and I know a lto of people feel that way even if they don't admit it. I think everyone wants attention really, so what? Not a big deal. People seek attention in different ways, through being a movie star, getting goodgrades, being a thug, etc.
Also I think that when you have been in hospital some time, know you are not likely to get better, you can, as a good friend of mine has said, decide that if you are ill you will be as ill as you can be. If you are doomed to a life of psychiatric problems you may as well excel at it.
Sarika, getting better was terrifying for me too, any time I made progress I Would end up cutting badly or trying to kill myself. It's really good you've realised this is a problem, and yes it is really difficult to talk about in therapy, I have been lucky enough to have had one psych I was able to talk to about. However because you are addicted ddes not make you a fake, it might be another problem to tackle, but you can do it.
I'm sorry I know I'm coming across as an over conceited, know it all, snob etc, but these are my personal opinions. I could be completely wrong, I jsut thought I'd say them. I'm sorry if I've really pissed anyone off.
Maybe we couldmake a thread about coping with this in Moving Forward, a support thread like the Sofa threads and such, I dunno, I just really relate to all of you who are feeling this way and I think maybe we could help/support each other more.
Last edited by Psychedelic Doodle Pop : 30-12-2007 at 07:27 PM.
it sounds just like sympom of BPD, the feelings of abandonment. When you are unwell however its natural to want drs etc to pay attention. So i have been told once you start to feel better the dependence on the system lessens. Were you in hospital alot as a child?
i just realised that this completly relates to me.
i mean, ive always had this weird attraction to hospitals, clinics docter's office etc.
and i just though i wanted to have a profession in this field..(im studying psychology) but...maybe...i just want to be looked after.
i never really had any sort of affection giving to me.
and..im more afraid of getting better than being sick and...
this is scaring me.