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everything that is now being updated wont be in bold print
I stepped off from the school bus and then i walked along the street to my friend`s house, Claudia Kishi. I knocked on the door and i watched as Jessi, a girl in the club opened it. "You`re late" she said to me giggling. I smiled and nodded. "Yeh, had to catch the late bus" I said to her. She nodded and then she ran back inside. I closed the door and walked inside and saw that all of the girls were sitting around and standing around the dining room table. I saw the food that was on the table and that Claudia has brought down her hands free phone, so we could have the meeting out here, instead of her bedroom for a change. I laughed as Kristy came through from the bedroom, wearing a baseball cap and sneakers, aswell as our blue check school dress with a white collar and she was also wearing the blue school blouse that we have to wear. Kristy came and she sat next to me. "Are you going to do that project?" she asked me. I had to think for a moment. "Oh, the one in Early Childhood Studies?" I said as a question. "Yeah" Mary Anne said as she sat across from me at the kitchen table. I nodded. "Yeah, of course i will take it" i said to them.
We all started chatting about our assignment and the workload that we have this term, when the phone started ringing. I looked at my watch and it said 4:03pm. I turned around with my diary in hand with a pen, as Mal picked it up. "Hello, Babysitters Club" she said into the phone. "Oh hi Mrs Newton.... you`d like a sister just for Jamie tomorrow afternoon?" Mal said. "Yep from 4-6:30pm? You will be taking lucy with you, Ok. Someone will ring you back soon" she said as she said bye and put the phone back down. She sorted that out with Mary Anne, as the phone rang again. Claudia picked it up. "Hello Babysitters Club" she said into the reciever. "Hello Mrs Pike. Uh huh. Ok. Call you back soon" she said.
We got a couple of more calls and we were all sorting out who will be sitting for what client etc when the phone rang again and i answered it. "Hello Babysitters Club" I said into the reciever. "Oh hello Mrs Engle, you need a sitter for when? Tomorrow from 4:30 till late? Ok. Someone will ring you back, bye" I had no longer put the phone down, when it rung again. "Hello Babysitters Club" I said into the phone, as i passed Mary Anne the note of the call i had just taken. "Oh hello Mr Dawson" I said. "A sitter for a couple of days this week? Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday? Ok, from 3:30 till 10pm on those weeknights, and from 10am till 10pm on Saturday? Ok. I will ring you back with the detials" I said to him and hung the phone up.
At this stage, all of the appointments so far had been orgonised. I looked at the girls and told them about Mr Dawson.
We thought for awhile and then Mary Anne looked at the book. "We are all quite busy, but i have orgonised everyone`s individual clients on a piece of paper for the week and i want you to keep all of them until Wednesday’s meeting, so then i can update them if need be" Mary Anne said, as she passed the papers around. I looked at mine:
Tuesday- 4-6pm Claire and Margo Pike
7:30-10:30 Charlotte and her baby sister Jena.
Wednesday- 2:30-10pm Ms Devil with the twins.
Thursday- 3:30-10pm Clara, Natasha, Boyld, Hannah, Tracy, Kimbley, Thomas and Dillian; and Klya. (I would normally need two sitters, but Tracy is 11, Kimbley 9 and Boyld is 15 yrs of age)
Friday
4:30-11pm (sleeping over) im sitting for the Johansons again and then again all day and night on Saturday.
I looked at my list and then i looked at the clock and it hit 6pm. I got up and got my bag and then i waved goodbye to everyone and then went out of Claudia`s front door.
I stopped on the street and then i walked slowly, through the night air to where my house is, that i live in with Mum, John, Chloe, Blake, Brant and little Kaya. Jess, our four month old Lab, jumped up at me when i opened the door to let her out of the house.
I walked through the hallway and saw that there were no lights on in the house and then i turned the lights on and saw that there was a note on the fridge:
Dear Stacey,
Your Mum and I have gone with the kids to see a show in town that they have been wanting to see for awhile. We will be back late, dont wait up. We both have our mobiles and there is food in the fridge for you and would you mind feeding Jess, Kimble and the fish please.
Love.
Mum and John.
I took the note off the fridge and then i went upstairs and changed out of my school uniform.
Later on, after i had eaten dinner and fed the animals and done my homework, i turned the tv on. Jess and Kimble, the kitten, were curled up with me on the lounge for company. I got up and took some pills and then i went and sat back down.
Twenty minutes went by. I started feeling funny. I felt faint and my vision was blurred. I felt quesy and coldish. I was spacing out, so i didnt know what was happening at all. I reached for my mobile and dialed Dr Johansons number. I threw the phone down, as i was sick all over the carpet, then i toppled over and tried getting up and then i thought the window was a door and i went forward and then i fell through it.
then i blacked out.
chapter 2
I woke up. I could hear voices, talking softly. "Stacey? Sweatheart?" That was a mans voice. I tried to get up, but i was held down. "Sweatie, squeeze my hand if you can hear me" that same voice said again and i felt for a hand and then squeezed it weakly. I felt drowsy and cold. Tired, aswell. Someone was supporting me to sit up, but then i fell back down again. People rushed to me. Then i blacked out again.
I woke up, fury seemed to be in my eyes. I got up and ran to the kitchen and got a knife and put it to my wrist and then to my throat. Someone took it from me. I screamed and swore. Then i fell back, into the glass of the back door and shattered it. I was cut everywhere. Blood everywhere. Then i went unconscious again.
I woke up again. I didnt know where i was. I screamed out, not knowing where i was, or what had happened.
Someone came in and jabbed a needle into me and then said "She`s awake" and then she went back out again.
Something was covering my mouth, i couldnt move it cause my hands seemed firmly down by my sides.
"Hey sweatiest. Its Dr Johansson. You are ok. You are somewhere safe" I tried to cry out. " Darling, you had a siesure. You also switched personalities, we also found scars and cuts up your arms and legs-" she stopped talking. I cried hard. As hard as i could. I felt like a major **** up. I regretted that they now knew of my secrets. I felt ashamed and embarrased. "No one is here with you except me at the moment. We called your Mum and stepdad" I cried harder. "We had too, of duty of care policy that we have to adbid by with the hospital" she said. " Here is some paper and a pen" she put it on the table that goes over the bed. "Call a nurse if you need anything" she said to me and then she kissed me on the forehead and she left.
Minutes went by slowly. I was too depressed to do anything. Then i pressed the button for a nurse and then a young woman came in. "Hi there Stacey, what could i do for you?" she asked kindly. I motioned for the bed to be raised into a sitting position and then thats what she did for me. I nodded a thankyou and then she went out again.
I coughed and then took my mask off with difficult cause one of my hands was on a drip and the other was bandaged up. I took up the pen and wrote a note to Janet. This is what i wrote:
Janet, im sorry for the pain that ive caused you. Im scared and i hate myself, i dont know where the **** to start explaining things to you or to anyone. I have secrets that will change anything if i let them out. Im terrified of what will happen when i get out of hospital. I am scared of what he will do to me. I cut myself to take away that pain, that He and Mum say. They hate me. They didnt want me. Mum always said that Dad should have taken me. That she never wanted me. There are nights when the others are in bed when He hits me hard. Draws blood. He says to me that is my punishment for cutting myself. They have denied me help and that i cannot see Dad or his wife, Casey, who i adore. For the last couple of months, i have started Oding. To get rid of this pain, so he doesnt beat me cause i dont cut at the moment. I started getting depressed last month and cutting and Oding even more. No one knew about it, until He saw it, then he started beating me again. Saying that im a disgrace to him and mum. That i should just die, so thats what i tried to do earlier tonight. I cant write anymore.
I put my pen down and adressed it to Janet. I ended up crying myself to sleep for a couple of hours.
I woke to hear my door close. I turned my head and i saw Mr Johanson with Charlotte and baby Jena in his arms. I smiled weakly, but then turned my head in shame. Charlotte came around the other side of the bed and she climbed on the bed and she hugged me tight. I smiled a little but then i started to cry again. Charlotte made herself comfortable on my bed and she looked at me. "Stacey, you`ll get better, i want you too" and then she started crying and she hugged me close, which made her start to cry again and regret everything. "I love you like a big sister Stacey" she said sobbed to me, which made my heart break cause i knew that i had let her down and everyone else down.
Char and I were hugging when Dr Johanson knocked on the door and came in, she stood in the doorway and said hello to her husband and took her baby girl in her arms. She nursed Jena and then she looked at her husband. "Stacey, Charlotte, we will just be outside for a moment" she said and then she went outside the door with her husband.
Charlotte was exploring the room, as i tried to hear what the adults were saying. "Thats awful. No parents should do that to their child" I heard Mr Johanson exclaim. There was silence as i think Janet had given her husband the note that i had written to her. "I cant send her back there, James" Janet said. "Then dont hunnie, she can stay with us. I know that she will have to stay in the hospital for a few more days but after that, she can come here with us. It will give her a break and Charlotte will be happy that she is around and since you and I are both doctors, we can help her, both mentally and physically" he said to his wife.
Thats all i heard cause Char came up to me and hugged me and then she fell asleep next to me.
I watched, tiredly, as Janet and James both came in with Janet. "I will get a bed for Charlotte to sleep in just for tonight" James said softly. He went over to Charlotte. "Hey hunny, do you want to come and get a drink with me and your sister?" her father asked her and she nodded sleepily. He put Jena in her Pram and then he lifted Charlotte into his arms and then he went out the door with his daughters.
I turned away from Janet, as she sat down next to the bed, on one of the hard plastic seats. "I know that you are ashamed and embarrased babe. You did the right thing by coming to me and no you are not a bother or a nuisance either. I feel privelaged that you can come to me. Know that James and I are always here for you" Tears ran down my cheeks. She rested her warm hand on my cold hand. "This isnt your fault. None of it is, you are not getting blamed and you know that James and I dont and never will judge you because we are both doctors and we both see kids like you most of the time, so its normal sweatheart" she said to me. " I have spoken to my boss, Judy Greens, and she would like to talk to you tomorrow morning, i showed her the letter that you wrote-" I started crying again " i had to sweatie, so i could help you. Tomorrow she wants to come in and talk to you. She wants to avaluate you, on how bad your depression is, she wants to ask you questions about your self harming, about the pills and stuff when you have been ODing, about how that makes you feel and stuff. She also wants to ask you about how you see yourself and your family, truthfully" she said to me. I cried even more. "Im scared" I whispered. "I know that you are babe, but it will be ok and your parents wont find out about this yet, we have had to ring them to let them know where you are, Judy rang them and explained things to them-" There was a knock on the door and a middle aged woman came in and shut the door behind her. "Stacey, this is Judy Greens, well Dr Greens, but its ok if you call her Judy" Janet said to me. I looked at Dr Greens. "What did my parents say?" I asked, in a whisper. "Sugar, its ok, you dont have to be scared, you are allowed to cry. I just told them that you had a major panic attack. I told them that i have already sent someone out to the house to repair the damage. I also told them that i needed to talk to them. They werent happy about that and they swore, abused me verbally and abused you verbally. So in that case, i have had to ring a few friends, who have dealt with these kind of cases before, and they promised to come out and see you early tomorrow morning" she said to me. I started crying again, harder then normal cause i was scared. There was another knock on my door and i saw a woman about Janet`s age walk into the room. She greeted the other women and then she turned to me and smiled. "Hello Stacey dear" she said to me kindly. Her voice was smooth and soft and patient. I whispered a "hello" and then Dr Greens spoke again. "Stacey, this is Julie Baker, she is a member of the police, but she also deals with young adolesent females, like yourself, who have had trouble at home. Do you want me to go and Janet to stay?" Dr Greens asked me. I nodded and then i kept on crying. She touched my shoulder. "I will come back and see how your doing later" she said to me and then she existed the room.
Julie sat down and she pushed the door shut. Janet looked at me softly. "Can i show her the letter that you wrote me?" she asked. I nodded and cried again. Julie passed me a tissue and then she took the letter from Janet and started reading it.
A couple of minutes later, Julie looked up at me. "Gorgeous, im so sorry that this had to happen to you, just know that myself, Janet, Dr Greens and others that i work with, are all here to help you" I cried again. " What you did was right, by calling Janet and now we can keep you away from your Mum and stepfather. I will take this back to the station with me and i will talk to some people, dont wory, its all confedintial stuff. We can also charge your parents with neglecting a child, hurting a child and mistreatment of a child or minor, as you are a teenager. I will be sending a car around to your place, to arresst your parents and bring them in. In the rules before the courtcase, they cannot come to the hospital and see you, under no circumstances. When you get discharged in a few days, i will give Janet and James custody of you, till the case. I will be in touch soon and just rest up Stacey and remember that this is none of your fault, so dont go around blaming yourself" she said to me. She said goodbye and Janet followed her out of the room to have a quick chat.
I was left alone again. Not that i had that much to do, because i know that i dont, but just having the peace and quiet for a few minutes, but then i knew at the same time, thinking about your problems too much can drive you up the wall, so hence i was glad when Mr Johanson came in with Charlotte and Jena from the vending machines. I smiled at them, and then Charlotte sat on my bed and she yawned. "Come here hun" I said to her, so she crawled up to me and she cuddled up to me cosly. I snuggled up to her warmly, so i could keep her warm and then she looked up at me and said sweetly. "Can you sing me Silent night?". I smiled. "Of course" I said to her, and i started singing silent night to her.
After i finished the song, Charlotte was sound asleep in my arms. Mr Johanson came over to my bed and he lifted Charlotte off my bed and he whispered to both of the girls "Come over here with Daddy and lets all get some sleep" he said. He smiled at me and i smiled back as he took the girls over to the bed that was set up and he got in there with his two daughters and then he hushed them to sleep.
I smiled and then a nurse came in to check on me. "How is the patient?" she asked me. I shrugged, and hung my head. "I dont feel that crash hot" I whispered to her. She held my hand softly. "I know sweatie. Remember though, you are in the best of care" she said to me, as a tear trickled down my cheek. "Would you like anything? Are you tired?" she asked me as she went to check the clipboard at the end of the bed. "Oh yes sorry i forgot" she said. "Would you like a drink? Do you need to go to the toilet? Would you like to see Dr Johanson? Dr Greens?" she asked me all of these questions, that i just listened too and then answered afterwards. "I need to go to the toilet and i would like to see Janet" I said to the nurse. She nodded and then went out of my room.
Not sooner had she gone out of my room, Janet came. I smiled weakly. She helped me out of bed and then she held onto my machine that i was hooked up too, as we walked to the toilets.
We walked side by side. "How do you feel sweatie?" she asked me. I hung my head. "Awful, my leg is sore, im in emotional pain and i wish that none of this would have happened" i said to her. She put an arm around me. "I know its hard, but you will get through this" she said to me.
She helped me go to the toilet and then we started walking back and talking. "Am i missing school tomorrow?" I asked Janet. "Yes Stacey. You arent in shape to go to school for a few weeks, or longer, depending how tomorrow goes. Do you want to let the BSC know where you are?" She asked me. I shrugged and then started crying again. Janet hugged me and then we went back to my room.
Janet helped me back into bed and then she sat with me for awhile. She rubbed my hair gently. "Oh Stacey, i wish that things wouldnt be so hard for you right now, but you will get through it slowly. You will come home with James, the girls and I, and we will help you get back on track and through this hunny. I will know more about this after Judy sees you tomorrow" she said to me, i nodded sleeply.
I put my head on Janet`s shoulder and fell asleep as she talked to me.
I woke up in the morning, feeling yucky. I rolled over and put my head back down on the pillow. I saw that my breakfast tray had already came. I managed to sit up and eat some of the food that was there.
Just when i finished eating the amount that i wanted too, Judy came in. "Morning Stacey, you are you feeling today?" she asked me. I sighed and frowned. "Yucky" was all that i could say. She nodded and then she looked at me. "Stacey, im going to ask you some questions, is that ok?" she asked. I nodded.
Chapter 2
Judy stood up and she smiled at me. "Thankyou for your co operation Stacey. i will back to see you in a couple of hours" she said to me just as my door opened, and i saw Claudia, Mal,Jessi,Kristy and Mary Anne. "Oh, looks like you have some visitors Stacey" she said. I nodded. "Yeah, thanks Judy" I said to the doctor and she went and left me with my friends. She popped her head back in the doorway. She looked at the girls "Please dont be to loud, Stacey isnt feeling that good today" she said and then she turned to me. "Press the button if you need anything and dont try and get out of bed by yourself" she warned me. I nodded and then she closed the door behind her.
Claudia and Kristy took the chairs, while Mary Anne, Jess and Mal sat perched on the edge of my bed. Kristy took a breath and started talking. "Charlotte`s mum rang us on our mobiles and she told us what had happened" she said softly, as tears swelled up in my eyes. " We had a fair idea that you had been struggling" Mal said. "Though we didnt know what your parents had been doing to you" Mary Anne said to me. I nodded and gulped, i couldnt talk.
We started talking about our clients and then i think i just snapped. "I ****ing hate you. You have mistreated me, I hate you, you foul ****ing bastard" I started yelling stuff at the top of my lungs, then the girls scattered into a corner and then James hurried in and he held me down. I started crying. "I ****ing hate them" I said between sobs. "Im a bitch" I wailed and carried on for awhile and James just held me and soothed me. "Its ok Stace, its not your fault. Everything is going to be ok. We will get through this together" he kept saying.
Charlotte knocked on the door. "Daddy? Jena needs nappy change" she said and then Kristy got up and took the girls to refresh.
I kept crying and sobbing loudly. I couldnt stop shaking either. Janet walked in and said hello to the girls and she looked at me. "Hey Stacey, whats wrong darl?" she asked softly. "Need cut" I said, as i was becoming hysterical. Janet looked at my friends. "Girls, could you please go down to the play area, where girls are and play for awhile, until i call you back up here?" she asked. My friends nodded and left.
Janet produced a needle and she put it onto my drip, then she sat next to me calming me down.
I sobbed, and hugged close to Janet. "Im sorry" I said. "Its ok sweatie. Your friends are looking after the girls, which is good cause Judy is coming in" she finished saying, as Judy turned up.
She stood and looked at me. "I have gotten the results back from your tests that i ran this morning" she said to me. Both Janet and James sat on the side of my with me. "Stacey, you have servere Depression, Misuse of Drugs and you are a self harmer. You also have seizures cause of when you are or were abused, it mucked up your brain" she said. I just cried and let it all out of me. "Your leg is healing fine, so in another day we will detach you from the machines, but you need to stay in hospital for one more week, to undergo thisio on ur leg and so we can further monitor you and maybe start you on medication" she said to me. I nodded "Then at the end of next week, you can go home with Janet, but you will need to come to the hospital for check ups and for counselling and maybe for Group therapy every day" she said to me. I only nodded, because i didnt know what to say.
My friends came back in and we talked for a bit more.
Then when 6pm came, they had to go home.
I laid down on my pillows and then tried to relax. I couldnt go through with this waiting anymore, i was sick of just lying here, while no one did anything. I hate how you have to stay in hospital but at the same time, its so ****ing boring to be a patient because of people only visit you in the visiting hours of the hospital but at the same time, people need their rest, i know that i just cant sleep, when we are meant to be sleeping or resting.
My mind wandered a bit more and then the door to my bedroom door opened. I watched, as James poked his head around the door. "Are you awake Stacey?" he asked me. I nodded and then he came in and closed the door behind him. He sat down on the bed next to me. "The nurses normally wouldnt let anyone in to see you, but because i am a doctor and they know your case, they let me in to see how you are going" he said as he paused and rumaged through a bag that he was carrying. "I also dont like seeing you bored, so i brought you these" he produced a stuffed cat, some books from my favourite author and he also gave me a mobile phone. I was shocked. "I dont need a phone" I argued. "Missy. Its a present from me and the girls. You cannot return it because i made sure that it couldnt be refunded" he said with a smile on his face. I hugged him, the best i could. "Thanks" I said. " I know that things have been difficult for you sweatheart. Things will change though, i am sure of that" he said to me. I started crying. "Let it out babe" he said to me, as he stroked my hair gently and held my hand. " I ****ing mole" I said in between sobs. "bitch-for-cutting" I sobbed even more and then i just bursted into tears, i couldnt hold them back any longer. I cried and cried, as James just held my hand and talked to me, calming me down. "Its ok to cry, let it all out baby" he said soothingly.
I cried for a few minutes and then i calmed down a bit. "I just feel like a bitch for cutting and ODing" I whispered to James. He squeezed my hand. "You, i promise you, that you are not a bitch for cutting or ODing, you have problems, like we all do" he said to me gently. I nodded as i hiccuped. I just felt so bad and depressed, but i didnt want to tell James that, no way on earth that he would ever find out. I sighed and then i laid back on my pillows. I rolled over. Thoughts were running through my head: Why was i such a bitch for ODing and self harming? I am such a bitch for dobbing about my parents, they will end up hating me forever. My friends were acting all weird, does that mean i have lost them as friends? My teachers will be fuming that i cant come to school, great that will just mean more stress for me though. I just wish that all of these ****ing thoughts will end up going away, to leave me alone and at peace, so i can fix all of the ****ing mess that i have made. Oh well, as i have heard Janet say, there is no use for crying over what has been done or what has already happened. I sighed and then I sat back up in bed, as i saw James carrying Jena in his arms. "Hey Stacey, I need to go call someone, is it ok if you mind Jena?" he asked me. "Yeah sure" I said to him, as i put my arms out and he passed me Jena. "Thanks sweatheart" he said to me as he went outside. I smiled, as i looked down on Jena. She had a really cute baby face and she was dressed all in a jumpsuit, which was purple. "Googah" she said. I smiled and then i tickled her toes. She smiled and said "Bahba" I cuddled her close and then i watched as Charlotte and her Mum walk into my room. I smiled. "Oh, someone is happier today" she said to me. I shrugged and cuddled up to Jena. James came back in the room and he looked at all of us. "Well, we have a nice surprise for you" he said to all of us, but talking to me directly. "What?" I asked, excitedly. "Well, Janet and I thought that it may be a good idea to change a few things" He said to me. I looked puzzled and then wondered what was going on. "Stacey, we are going to let you be in charge of Jena, because this time of year, we are busy with work and for the most of it, Charlotte too, who will be at school, but for the afternoons and evenings she will be at home. We give you full responsibility of Jena, while we are away or out on bussiness at work" Janet said to me. I hugged both of them and then hugged Jena.
We all laughed and hugged and then Janet looked at me. " We have some news. You have improved, so that means, you can come home later tonight, but you have to see Dr Greens, for a last appointment before you are going to come back with us. We will take you home this afternoon, with your bags and things" Janet said.
I nodded and then Dr Greens came in. "Hello Stacey, i would like you to come here with me so i can check your leg and then give you some medication and things for you to take home" she said to me. I nodded, as Janet and James helped me up and then into a wheelchair as i had Jena in my arms. She looked confused and then she saw Mummy. I got wheeled to the room and got everything checked and then later that afternoon i went home.
Later on, about 7pm, after i had dinner, i was sitting with Jena in the Nursery. I was gently rocking her back and forth, before i gave her her bottle that she has with going to bed. She fell asleep and then i gently put her to bed and covered her up. I turned on the lamp and then i shut the door and slowly walked down the corridor to the spare bedroom that i was staying in while im with the Johansons.
I laid on the bed, not bothered to do anything. My head was confused and all i wanted to do was self harm. I didnt know how i felt to be honest, because i was glad that i could be home and out of hospital but with the way my head is, i dont know, thats it. I tried not to think about anything, just go to sleep.
I had been lying on my bed for awhile, two hours i think, when i head Jena crying. I got up off the bed and then i went down the hall to the Nursery and then i went over to her crib and looked at her, her purply pink face, as she was crying. I picked her up, blankets and all, and i slowly walked around the room with her in my arms, nice and snug, to try and get her to calm down.
I was in the middle of singing a song to her, and i saw a little toddler, watching me. I smiled at the girl and then i saw that her brother came up next to her. "Hey, you too, come here" I heard Janet say. She saw me holding Jena, as she lifted the twins up into her arms and she walked them into the nusery where i was nursing Jena. "Stacey, these are the Deviles Twins, they are Charlotte`s cousins. I forgot to tell you when you came here, that they are going to be staying with us, because this holidays, Aunt Clara is coming and she will be staying the majority of the holidays, she is my younger sister. She and Andrew, her husband, have six other children, then these twins. They have an nineteen yr old son, who might be good company for you, a seventeen year old daughter, a eleven year old son, an eight year old daughter,a five year old son and a three year old girl, aswell as these two toddlers, Benji and Alica" Janet said to me. "Ok, is there anything else i need to know?" I asked Janet. "My younger sister, she is,-" Janet paused looking for words. "A monster? Posh? Loves getting out of taking care of her own?" I heard James say, as he came up behind his wife. "Oh James. Well, true, but she is family and her kids-" "are spoilt brats" Charlotte said, from next to her father. "Charlotte. You know that you are not meant to say that when they are here" Janet said, scolding her daughter. I giggled. "I like when Josh sits for us" Charlotte said, innocently. "He is the eldest son" James said to me. I nodded and then i gave my attention back to Jena, as i covered her back up with her blankets. I looked at Janet "When are they coming?" I asked, worried. "On Thursday" she bent down to her daughter. "Char, could you go and get ready for bed please?" Janet asked her daughter. "But Mummmy" she started to whine. "Hey Char, how about you go get ready and ill come and tuck you in" I said to her, she nodded and kissed her parents and then ran to her bedroom.
Chapter 3.
On Thursday morning, i straightened up and i made my room tidy. I finished breakfast, just as i heard a car pull up. I watched from the window of my bedroom, as a woman and man stepped out of a station wagon, aswell as a girl my age, a boy older then me, a younger boy and girl and i saw that the adult man was carrying a young child.
I heard muffled voices come in to the loungeroom and that they were talking to Charlotte and Jena. I heard Janet say "Come in and sit down" she said.
Then i heard an adult say something. "Where is the brat who you are looking after?" she said. I gulped. I made my way down to the loungeroom and to where everyone was sitting.
"Oh, hello. Are you the bitch who Janet saved?" Clara asked me. I gulped, then Andrew and James said at the same time to the little kids "why dont you all go out and play?". All of the kids went outside, except the adults and Josh and his sister. I tensed up, not knowing what to say.
"Mother! That is no way to speak to Stacey! Would you have liked it when i was in hospital for depression,that your sister spoke to you like that?" Josh said angerily. "That is different Josh!" "No it isnt" he said loudly. "Well she cuts herself" the older girl stood up. "What? Do you think i dont?" Liz, the girl cried. "Sweatheart, its not time to talk about that-" "Oh yes it is!" Liz exclaimed. "Both of your children have gone through the same thing as Stacey has and you are the one that is treating her like a bitch" she said firmly. I stood there, in silence, as tears rolled down my cheek. I flew upstairs, still able to hear the argument.
Few minutes later, i heard footsteps. There was a knock on my door. "Stacey, its Josh and Liz" Liz said to me. I let them in, then i sat back on my bed.
"We know the pain that you are going through" Josh said to me, as he took my hand in his. "Our mother can be awful to other people, but we know that it hurts for you and what your parents did to you" Liz said to me. I gulped.
Hours passed, as we talked and we all felt better. "Hey Stacey! You have a visitor" James called from downstairs.
I ran downstairs and saw that Kristy,Lucas and Sam were at the door. "Hey, wanna come for lunch?" Kristy asked. I looked at the grown ups. "You all can if you want too" James said, laughing. "Can Josh and Liz come aswell?" I asked Kristy, "Sure we have plenty of room" she said.
We had a fun day, we all went to the beach and all got sunburnt and swam and got dirty playing Beach VolleyBall. We laughed and had fun, but we the special time, was when we went out for dinner at Lugi`s.
We all sat at a table together, the guys were busy talking amongst themselves. So Asleigh, Kristy, Liz and I all talked about school, life, parents, our sibilings and our jobs.
I got up to go to the toilet.
I flushed the toilet just as i heard Liz and Kristy come in. "Hey Stacey, are you ok?" they asked, as they washed their hands. I came out and sighed. " I am, i just feel discusting" I moaned to the girls. "I was just telling Liz that i think Sam likes her" Ashleigh said. We all made noises and then laughed. "Its true i like him, but my brother has the hots for you Stace" Liz said to me. I screamed and went red. "Wow"
We all mucked around more and eventually got back to our tables, seeing that the guys were playing pool. We all sat down and started talking, when soft dance music started. Kristy and Lucas went, so did Ash and Charlie, then Josh came over to me. "Would you like this dance?" he asked me sweetly. "Id love too" I said to him, as he whisked me away onto the dance floor.
I rested against Josh`s shoulders, as his arms were around my waist and mine were softly around his neck. I just wanted to relax. "Stacey, you look so hot tonight, though i know that you`re hurting inside" he said to me softly, as tears rolled down my cheeks. He looked at me. "Stacey? Would you like to go out with me?" he asked. I smiled and laughed, but i couldnt help crying. Josh lifted me off my feet, as i twirled under the disco lights. My dress sparkled, aswell as everyone on the dance floor. I watched my friends, but they didnt see me. I went closer to Josh, so we were touching, as he hugged me close. I rested my head on him, as his lips softly met mine. It was a long passiontate kiss, that i just wanted it to last forever. My body just felt like melting, but i know that i wouldnt fall, because Josh was holding onto me.
We danced all night and then as i was sitting on the lounge with Josh he said "Do you want to go home now?" He asked me. I nodded, as i remembered that i have an appointment tomorrow morning.
After we got out of the cab, we went into the house and walked upstairs. I kissed Josh. " I think you better sleep in the room with your family" I whispered to him, as our hands detatched, and then i went back to my bedroom. I got changed and went and brushed my teeth and then climbed into bed and went to sleep.
I was finished breakfast, as I got up cleared my place, when Josh came down. He kissed me good morning. "I have to go to an appointment at the hospital this morning" I said to him. He held my hands. Janet,James, Clara, Andrew and Liz and Sam, all came downstairs.
We detatched each other and then he went off getting his breakfast. "Well, the plans for today are, as follows. Janet and I have to work, so who will look after the kids?" James asked, as everyone looked at eachother. "Tell that bitch too" Clara said to me. "She cant, mother, she has an appointment" Liz said softly. "I will Mother, and Liz and Sam with help me, wont you mate?" Josh asked Sam. "Yeah" he said. "Well that settles it, Janet and I will go to work, but we will take Jena with us. Clara and Andrew, you can do whatever you want, and the kids will stay here with Sam,Liz and Josh" James announced to everyone.
Everyone said Goodbye to each other and then we departed our different ways for the day. James carried Jena out to the car, as Janet carried her things to the boot. I waved to everyone, as i slipped in the backseat with Jena and then we were off.
We parked and got out at the hospital as I carried Jena inside. I was a bunch of nerves as we said goodbye to James, who kissed his wife and daughter goodbye and then he kissed me on the cheek and hugged me. "You will be fine" He said to me, i nodded, as a tear trickled down my cheek.
I walked in with Janet, and the woman at the reception said hello. " We are here for an appointment with Dr Greens" she said. The lady nodded and then she paged her.
We sat down and waited. Then Judy came out smiling. "Hello Janet" The two woman greeted eachother and then she made a face at Jena, who giggled. I sighed, underneath my breath. "Hello Stacey" she said to me. I smiled, not being able to say anything yet. "She, is scared and worried about what is going to happen this morning" Janet informed Judy. She nodded, sympetheticly. "Sweatie, i understand, it will be ok. I have orgonised for you too see me for counselling, so that means you dont have to explain everything twice, is that ok?" she asked me, as she saw that i was about to cry. I bursted into tears. "Yeah, that should suit Stacey fine" Janet said, on my behalf. I nodded, crying.
The built up emotions were annoying me. I just couldnt stop crying, as Julie walked us into a small room with two chairs, and a small light, which was bright.
I sat down in the room with Judy and then she started asking me questions.
An hour later, Judy asked me some more questions. "Are you safe from yourself? Are you cutting more then normal? Are you scared of yourself? Are you scared that you will hurt yourself badly in any way?" The questions just kept coming, as so did my tears. I was scared and mentally exausted. I just wanted to run, to yell, let my bottled up emotions go.
I couldnt take the questions anymore. I knocked the pen out of her hand and then i just barged the door open and just ran. I didnt know where the **** i was going, i just wanted to hurt physically, instead of mentally.
I ran down the corridors of the hospital and i saw Nurses Station in big letters. I checked the path and i saw that no one was coming so i went into the room and saw that sissors were on the table, next to a sheet of paper. I grabbed the sissors and kept running and then i locked myself in a cupboard, attacking my left wrist with the sissors.
I looked down onto my wrist and i saw that it was pouring out with blood. I felt numb and couldnt feel any emotions, except i was really ****ing scared. I pulled my phone out and dialed Josh`s number.
"Hey love, ready to be picked up now?" His voice came through the phone. I started crying. "Babe, woah, slow down, are you ok? Are you still at the hospital?" He asked me. I cried harder. "Stole sissors. Cut. In closet, near nurses station" I blurted out to him. "Oh baby, stay there, im going to contact Janet, i need too. No butts" He said to me and then he went.
I stayed in the closet and then i started shaking and crying, softly. I was scared and i didnt know what the **** was going to happen to me.
My mind kept racing, thinking that i was going to get into trouble, that i would be surely admitted now, that i had done this, on hospital grounds.
My heart was racing and i just couldnt ****ing calm down.
"Stacey, sweatheart. Its Janet,Josh and a sercurity guard" Janet said. "Nooooo" I yelled and then i screamed cause i was scared. "Darling, my name is Barry. I am a guard here at the hospital, but i have a girl about your age, who is in hospital now, her name is Sam, she has been through the same as you. If you come out, i promise, that ill let you meet her, before anything happens" he promised me.
I got up slowly. "Open the door Stacey" Josh whispered. I opened the door slowly, and i saw Josh, Janet and the guard.
I couldnt help myself. I broke down crying. Hysterically and uncontrolably. Janet came over to me and she hugged me. "Barry, Josh, can you please you go and wait in my office?" she asked the boys. They nodded, patted me on the shoulder and the head and then they walked towards Janet`s office.
Janet kneeled down beside me. I couldnt face her, because i was scared, embarased and feeling guilty. "Let me see your wrist babe" she asked me. I shook my head. "NO!" I kept yelling and then i broke down crying, as i saw Barry walking up to me. I freaked and then i just ran.
I huddled into a corner and rolled up into a ball. "Woah sweatie" Barry said to me slowly and calmly. "You dont need to run" he said to me. I sniffed and then kept crying. A young lady came up to us and she kneeled with us, it was someone who i havent seen before. "Stacey, sweatheart, my name is Katie and i am an adolesent worker here at the hospital. Dr Greens called me in to talk to you-" I screamed with anger. "I ****ING DONT WANT TO TALK TO HER OR ANYONE ELSE!" I said loudly, breathing heavily. Katie knelt closer. "Im not going to tell Greens anything that you tell me. But, Judy, Janet, James, my boss and I all had a meeting about you. You need more care then what you are getting" she said to me. "I looked up at her, scared. "Meaning?" I whispered softly. "Admittion to the physch ward in here" she said softly to me. I cried harder and harder. I sobbed and sobbed and went hysterically. Katie put her hand on my shoulder. "I know that its hard babe. I know exactly how you feel" she said to me. I smiled sadly and then i just cried again. I got up and just stood there, gazing into space. "Come and I will dress your wrist" she said to me softly. I nodded and followed.
I went into a small room. It was white and it looked like the school sickbay. I sighed and then Katie closed the door behind me. "Come and sit down on a chair and just give me a minute while I get the things needed to attend to your wrist" she said to me.
Ten minutes later, my wrist was dressed and then Katie looked up at me. "Now babe, come and see Dr Greens" she said to me, i sighed and then wiped a tear from my eye.
I went with Katie, into a small room. I walked in but then i shied away from Janet and Judy, who were sitting, waiting for me. I ran to the door but then someone grabbed me by the arm. "Where are you going young lady?" Barry asked me. I swallowed my pride and then went and sat with Katie.
"Stacey, as Katie has told you, we all have had a meeting, we think for the moment that it will be best for you, if you are admitted here. You will get help, support, friends and schooling in the hospital, aswell as medication and treatment-" My head went down and tears rolled off my cheeks "I have rung the police and they have you on file. The cheif said to me that it would be easier to have you as an inpatient for two or three months" she said to me. I cried and cried, i felt so ****ing scared of what was going to happen. "Katie will run you through the rules, give you a search and then you will be given your things that you are allowed to have in hospital" Judy said to me softly.
I couldnt move. I was too shocked of what was happening to me. Judy stood up and looked at me. "I know that you might hate me or us, Stacey. But, you need to understand that we are doing this, for your own safety. I will come round in the morning to see how you are settling in" she said to me and then she got up and then she left.
Katie and Barry both got up. "Come Stacey, we will get you your things" Katie said to me, i followed them, but i didnt say anything, i had mixed emotions.
Ten minutes later, we came to a door. Katie opened it and then she let me in. I looked around, seeing a small bed, desk, shower and toilet, a wardrobe and a few chairs. I sighed and then sat down on the bed. Katie came in "I will see how you are going in a few hours, try and get some sleep" she said to me. I nodded and then sighed as she shut the door.
I waited until the cost was cleared. With rage, i unbolted and tore the chair and table out of the floor and bolts and then i through that at the door. BANG! I kept throwing it and then I pulled out the sissors and then i just kept hurting myself.
I was crying hysterically, when there was a knock on my door. It opened. I just tried to hide everything, but the door opened before i could hide my wrist. I froze, as Barry walked into my room. He shut the door. "I got radiod that there was alot of banging and screaming coming from here" he said to me, he tried to look into my eyes, but i could give him any eye contact. I just kept looking at the ground.
I hid away into the corner. Barry stopped and looked at me. "Stacey, is there something that we should need to know about?" He asked me gently. I froze with fear, and just started bucketing tears. I thought that i could be strong, but im not, im a bitch. I just stood there crying and I slowly walked over to Barry. "Come with me" He said softly to me. I guess he already knows what happened.
I walked slowly with him and then we went to the Nurse`s station. Katie looked up, when she saw me and Barry. "I was just going to check on you Stacey" She looked at us. "Are you ok?" She asked, but trailed her sentance off. "She was throwing things around her room, the desk and chair, she got unbolted and chucked them at the walls, and she also cut herself, from what i was told" Barry told Katie. She nodded and then she looked at me back to Barry. "Could you wait outside please?" she asked Barry. I started to leave, but then she took hold of my arm. "Not you, Barry" she said to me calmly. I swore under my breath and then she closed the door after Barry went and then she turned to me. "Come here, so i can help you take off ur top" she instructed me. I walked over to her and she helped me with my top and then she looked at my arm and wrist. "Babe, you need to learn that this is not the way to live" she said to me, as she was dressing and cleaning my wounds. I frowned and then a tear drop splattered on the floor. " There you go, all clean, now come on, Group is just about to start" she said to me.
I followed her to a room where a heap of teens were sitting with a doctor. "Hi Marj, this is Stacey, the new girl that you were told about" she said to Marj.
Marj smiled and then she looked at the group of kids. "Cindy,Daniel,Oliver, Emine,Esther and Ben, this is Stacey, she has come to hospital to find herself" Marj said and they all nodded and then turned to me. "What the **** are you in for?" the girl called Cindy, asked me. Katie grew annoyed. "Do not ask or pester Stacey Cindy" She snapped at Cindy, then she looked at everyone else. "Stacey is only here to see how Group works today, she is allowed to watch, she doesnt need to talk" Katie said to everyone that was in the room. Marj nodded and she motioned for me to come sit. I looked at Katie. "Go sit. Dr Johanson will come and get you in a while" Katie said to me and then she wanted to talk to Marj.
Everyone looked at me. I shied away. "Is Dr Johanson your doctor?" Cindy asked me. I nodded. "Lucky bitch" Daniel said. "we all wanted Dr Johanson to be our doctor, but we got everyone else" he said, just as Marj came back in.
Marj talked to the other kids, as i sat there meant to be listening and caring, but i was away in thought.
I was somewhere else, until Dr Greens called my name. "Stacey, are you ready to come with me?" she asked me, just as Cindy asked her something. "Why is Stacey in hospital?". I froze at hearing that question and then i just broke into tears. Barry came to me and he put a hand on my shoulder. "What are the rules about privacy?" he barked at the kids. They sat there, not saying anything and then Dr Greens ushered me out of the room.
We walked down the halls and then i saw Janet and James at the end of the hall. I smiled at them weakly. "Whats happening?" I whispered to Janet. " It is visitors hours now, but Judy also wants to give you the timetable for here" she said to me. I nodded as Judy handed me a peice of paper.
I nodded to Katie, Dr Greens and Janet. They smiled. "It is now 2:30pm, you can spend some time with Janet and James and then you will see Katie, she will escort you from the dayroom to her office" Judy said to me. I nodded and then i turned to James and Janet. "Lets go to the park" James said, i nodded as Janet walked next to me.
We sat on the grass at the park. I tried not to look at James or Janet, but they knew that something was wrong. "Stacey, we know that you cut yourself in your room" Janet said softly. Tears trickled down my cheeks. " If you feel that way sweatheart, talk to someone" Janet said softly. "I cant, they will dose me up" I said sobbing. James stroked my hair. " I know that this is hard for you Darling. We understand that you only trust me and Janet, that is fine for the moment. Janet and I are both working night shift tonight, so if you need to talk, page us" James said to me. I started crying. "What happens now?" I asked Janet. " Your counselling and treatment starts with Katie next. She will ask you questions and try and get an idea of what has happened. But if you cannot talk, that is fine with her for now. Then you have classes and then later, you see myself and Judy. This will be more intense, discussing your self harm and missuse of drugs, the stuff that happened this afternoon and about other things that may be worrying you. Like, we want you to be honest, with the questions that we will both ask you. I know that it will take awhile for the trust to build, but Greens and I, and James, all want you to talk, if it has to do with suicide, like your letter said" she said to me. I went quiet, ashamed and embarrased. James stood up. "Come babes, Katie also told me that she wants to give you a physical" I looked at James in horror. "**** no" I said, but James took my hand and pulled me towards the grounds of the hospital.
Updated till here
After the physical, Janet came and met me. "Howd it go?" she asked me. I shrugged, as tears rolled down my cheeks. I walked with Janet, and then we got to the classroom, where all of the kids were sitting in, waiting for Janet.
I sat at a desk at the back of the classroom. I zoned out as Janet was talking to the rest of the class. I was in deep thought about my counselling later, when Janet came over to me and she kneeled down next to my desk. "Are you ok Stacey?" she asked me, softly and gently. I sniffed softly and then started crying. Cindy,Ben,Daniel and Emine all turned around to see what was wrong, Oliver and Esther just continued doing their work. "Get back to doing your work kids" she said to the class and then she took out her radio and spoke into it. "Dr Greens, come to the adolesent classroom. Dr Greens" she said and then she looked back at me. " Are you ok?" she asked me again. I couldnt stop crying softly. I was in too much emotional pain to talk or to stop crying. Janet put her arm around me and then she kissed me on the forehead as there was a knock on the classroom door.
Janet got up and opened it. "Oh hello Barry. How can I help you?" she asked him as she stepped sideways from the door. " Dr Greens cannot come at the moment to assist you, so she sent me" he said as his eyes looked for me. "What the **** is a sercuirity gaurd doing here?" Cindy yelled across the room. " Did Stacey try and kill herself?" she said, without lowering her voice.
I got up out of my desk, because i hated the way people were treating me. "STOP IT CINDY!" Someone yelled from across the room. Everyone turned. " She, cant control how she is at the moment. You know that i ****ing couldnt" Esther whispered and then she got up and walked over to me and hugged me close.
I smiled sadly as i hugged her back. Barry cleared his throat. "Class, you all should know better" Cindy smirked at me, but Barry saw her " You all have a detention at lunch, if you do not get your work finished, you have to stay in for longer, do you hear me?" he asked the class. No one said anything, all you could hear were my sobs.
Dr Johanson came over to me. She smiled at Esther. "I would understand if you yelled at me, doctor" she said to Janet, who smiled. "No hunny. But i would like it very much if you and Stacey could be friends" she said to Esther, who smiled and nodded and then i nodded aswell.
"Now Esther hunny, you need to go back and finish your work because Stacey is coming for a walk with me" she said, as she looked at me. A tear trickled down my cheek.
Janet cleared her throat and Barry looked at her. He nodded and then turned back to the class. I got up slowly and followed Janet out of the room. I started crying again. "Oh hunny" she said as she hugged my shoulders, as we were walking down the halls.
I kept crying, as we approached my room. We went inside and i collasped on the bed, tears flowing freely down my face. Janet sat on the edge of the bed and she softly put her hand on my back as i kept crying like a flood had just hit.
Chapter 4
I woke up and it was still dark. I rolled over and then turned the light on. I sat up and then yawned. I streached and then sighed. I did not know what time it was, i just felt depressed and wide awake. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and then i stood up and tried to open my door. I opened and then i saw that a sercurity guard was across the hall. He spotted me and then he walked over to me. "What are you doing out of bed, Miss?" He asked me, bluntly. "Cant i go to the toilet?" I asked the guard. "Not alone, you cant" he said to me. He looked at me and then he pulled out his radio. "Dr Johanson. Stacey wants your assistance" the guard said. I smiled sadly and then i just had to wait a few minutes and then i saw Janet walking down the hall. " I thought that you go home?" I asked her. She smiled. "Only on weekends. You are too important to me and James" she said to me and then she hugged me close. I smiled sadly and then we walked together to the hospital bathroom.
I came back out of the toilet cubicle and then i washed my hands. I sighed and then i walked back silently with Janet. "How are you feeling babes?" she asked me gently. Tears rolled down my cheeks and face. "I want a ****ing blade!!" I yelled and then i broke down and cried my heart out.
I was lying with my face down on the pillow, just letting the tears the tears flood out of me and my eyes and just soaking the pillow. I didnt care, i was really depressed and just wanted to end this ****ing pain that im feeling. Im sick of it. I just hate hurting so ****ing much, feeling different and just feeling sorry for my little ****ing self because ive ended up in this ****ing physch ward. I sighed as i laid on the bed, i just hated myself for feeling this way.
I felt depressed, gutted, just was craving for a blade, knife or anything that was sharp enough would ****ing do fine. I cant ****ing believe any of this that has ****ing happened.
I sighed and then turned back over in my bed and tried to get back to sleep.
Four hours later
I woke up and the light was shining in my bedroom. I got up slowly, cause i wasnt feeling so emotionally crash hot this morning. I got out of bed and pulled on some shorts and a long sleeve shirt, so that no one would see my cuts on my arms. I pulled the sleeves down and then i put my wrist band on my left wrist and then i walked out to the Dayroom after brushing and doing my hair tidly.
I saw as Oliver, Emine, Daniel and Cindy were all sitting on the big lounge, watching Tv. I smiled at them, but they didnt say anything to me and then i walked around to the other part of the Dayroom`s entrance and then i saw Esther, sitting down next to a wall and she was fiddling with something. "Hi Stacey" she greeted me. "Hi Esther" i said. "What are you doing?" I asked softly, so no one could hear our conversation. "fiddling with a blade" she said to me and then she smiled oddly. "Ah. Ok. So what do you want to do?" I asked her. "Do you want to go for a walk out in the grounds?" she asked me. "Somewhere where we could talk, if you want?" she asked me. I nodded. "Yeah, but its nearly breakfast time, do you want to do it when we have some freetime?" I asked her, as she put the blade away. "Yeah, lets see whats for breakfast" she said to me, all chirpy and then we went into the dining hall.
\
After i finished eating breakfast and had my medication, i went to class with Esther. We both sat at the back of the classroom together so we could talk, or pass notes to each other. Just as we were getting settled, Cindy came in. "Oh, look its the depressed whore queen, who doesnt have to stay for the whole class time" she said to me. "Well, atleast im not someone who smokes and wants to kill herself quick" I said. I saw Janet from the corner of my eye, just watching. "Well, atleast i dont have a ****ed up family like you do and so you have to ****ing stay at your doctors house and intrude on her family. God, she is all nice to you only because she pitys you and thats why she lets you live with her. Its not out love, she just feels sorry for you and that she will end up ditching you sometime soon, for someone less ****ed up in the head. You just want ettention, so that is why you cut yourself and try and die, so you can get ****ing pity!" she yelled to the whole class. Then someone cleared his throat. It was Dr Sirigh, who looked at Cindy and the rest of the class. "It was her fault, Sir, she was the one that started it!" she said, as she pointed to me. I was sitting there at my desk, next to Esther in tears. Esther was trying to comfort me, as best as she could. Dr Sirgh looked at the whole class, but he didnt take his eyes off Cindy. "Class is dissmissed for the time being-" All of the boys and Emine cheered. "- but you have to have Group with me instead" he said to the whole class. Everyone swore under their breaths and mumbled to Cindy. Oliver,Daniel, Ben and Emine walked out of the room, to where we have Group. Dr Sirigh looked at Cindy. "You are coming with me" he told her. "But- what about the bitch who caused all of this?" she yelled to me, trying to get me into trouble. Just then Janet stepped out from where she was hiding. "I have it all reccorded" she said to Cindy, then she walked over to me and Esther. "Its ok girls. Lets go to Group, so we can discuss this with all of the kids, openly" she said to us. I sighed and then cried a little.
We all sat on cushions that were around the floor of the room. Janet and Dr Sirigh closed the door behind them. They sat down on two chairs that were already in the room and then he opened a folder and then looked at everyone. "Janet and I do not like the way that most of you are treating Stacey. Yes, she may not talk to all of you yet because she has her own stuff to sort out, which is clearly no one`s bussiness to know, except Dr Johanson here, because she is Stacey`s doctor, Dr Greens and Katie, you all have seen these people around the hospital. They are the only ones that work with Stacey. They are the only ones that need to know what is wrong with Stacey, so that is why she may be called out of class, you may see her walking with one of these people or that you may see her talking to one of these people, or that you may notice that she may be absent from Group because she is with one of those people. Do i make myself clear everyone?" he looked around at all of the faces. They all nodded. "Now i would like to go around the circle and see how you all find Stacey in the short time that she has been here with us" He looked at Daniel. "Could you please start Daniel?" he asked Daniel. He put his hands together in his lap. "Well, i dont know Stacey that well, because i havent seen her that much, or had the guts to go up and talk to her, not knowing what she would say" he said. I smiled. "Daniel," i said gently. "you can come up to me whenever you want to say hi or just chat. I know that you might not know what mood im in, because of my Depression. That does not mean, i cannot be approached" I said to Daniel and everyone else. Daniel nodded. "Ben, you next" I looked at Ben, who was all nervous. "I dont know her, so i feel that i cannot say much, but i would like to maybe be friends" he said. I smiled and nodded. "Then why do you not talk to people or always act like Miss Mega Bitch?" Cindy asked. I tried not to say anything. "she doesnt" someone whispered. it was Emine, who was sitting next to Oliver. "Cindy, you know as well as i do, that Stacey is not a bitch" Oliver said, as he looked at me. I smiled. "Why the **** doesnt anyone aggree with me?" she demanded. "Cindy, maybe the problem isnt Stacey, maybe you just need someone to blame because you cannot see that maybe you have some unresolved emotions or feelings, that are towards something or someone in your life, before you came to hospital" Dr Sirigh said to Cindy gently. "What i dont understand is how come Stacey is the Angel and why she gets everything!" she yelled. Janet looked at the group. "Cindy, what do you mean?" she asked gently. Cindy stood up, her emotions growing inside of her. "What i mean is, god, dont you see it guys? She gets all of the good things, she gets excused from class; she got the doctor that we all wanted. She gets treated differently then the rest of us!" she said. Janet kept her cool and then she thought for a moment. Dr Sirigh spoke up. "That is true, Cindy, but everyone here is different with the therapy that they need, the amount of support and attention that they need. You know that some of you, talk in Group about what is wrong, not everyone that i have seen, likes talking in Group or with other kids about their problems, so they talk it over with their doctor, or they write about it in their journals and thats how they communicate with people" he said and then he looked at Janet. "Boys and girls. If you think you that it is unfair that im working with Stacey, take it up with my boss, Dr Greens, she would be happy to tell you why im working with Stacey and why she lives with me and my family. There are some things that you need to know and there are some things that are none of your bussiness" she said and then she looked at me. I sighed. Dr Sirigh looked at all of us again. "Now, i would like to focus on you Cindy-" "Why me?" she squeled. "Simply because you have been re inforcing the idea that you dont get enough attention, so i am now giving you my fullest attention" he said to Cindy, who was shocked. He glanced at Janet and then gave a quick nod to me. Janet, Esther and I walked out of the room quietly. We got back to the Dayroom, where we all sat down. Esther looked at Janet. "Dr Johanson? Whats going on?" she asked my doctor.
"Well Esther, its that at the moment you and Stacey do not need Groupwork at the moment. You need the one on one support and work just with the doctors" said a lady about Janet`s age as she walked in and sat down. "Hello Susie, this is my charge Stacey, that i have told you about" Janet said to the woman. I said hello and then i looked back at Janet. "What have you said?" I asked, wondering what has been said about me. Susie laughed. "Oh nothing child. Just that you and Esther have become friends" she said, re assuring me. I sighed. "Susie? How come me and Stacey have the same timetables? she asked. "Well simple Esther, it is because that Janet and I are on the same team of doctors and that you both have similar problems, not the same, but similar. I know that we at the hospital have always said that the patients that we take, there is not meant to be two alike, but because of Stacey`s position, Dr Greens has allowed Stacey in, bending the rules abit, but because she needs the constant support like you Esther, that is how come she lives with Janet and that they work together aswell. Does that solve any questions?" she asked the both of us. We nodded. "But why, do we get taken out of Group?" I asked Janet. "Well, because you dont need the group therapy, one on one is all tthat you need at the moment, until we feel ready for you to talk in Group, that is why maybe Cindy is annoyed that you get treated differemtly to what she does, but it has alot to do with your problems anyway sweatie" she said to me. I nodded and sighed. "You do not miss much in Group anyway girls" Susie said to both of us. We looked at each other puzzled. "Meaning that they only talk about their problems and that we give you these things that Marj or Dr Sirigh gives them. Like, we have to give these journals for you to start writing in, they are all secret and all of you have one, but no one gets to read them, not even your doctors without your permission" she said and then she handed Esther and I one black hard covered thick book each. " They are yours to keep and express yourself in" she said to us. Janet looked at the time. " Come on Stacey, Dr Greens and Katie might be already waiting for you" she said to me. We said goodbye to Esther and Susie and then we walked down the hall and took a lift up to the next level, to where the room is that where we are meeting them for therapy.
Janet led me to a room, that had three chairs in it and the room itself was very small. I smiled as i saw Katie and Dr Greens in the room. I sighed and then Dr Greens looked at me and told me to have a seat. I sat down next to Katie and Dr Greens and then Dr Greens told Janet to sit down and then she started the therapy session.
An hour later, Katie went out and then i just talked with Dr Greens.
Chapter 8
Dr Greens smiled and then she said goodbye to Janet and I and then we were left alone together in the room. I sighed, as a tear trickled down my cheek. Janet looked up at me. "Stacey, are you-?" she paused and then a sniffed. "I dont know. I am just so confused at the moment, im also hurting lots" i whinied as we got back to the Dayroom and then i saw a surprise waiting their for me. "Charlotte!Jena!" I yelled as i ran to them and then i hugged them both close. "Ive missed you Stacey" Charlotte said to me. "I missed you too honey" I said as we hugged, then James looked at his daughters. "Girls, how about your Mum takes you to get a drink?" he said and then they went off with their Mum. James looked at me. I tensed up and started looking puzzled. "Its ok hon. You are not in trouble. I just wanted to see how you are going, is all" he said to me, kindly. I sighed and then to my shock, i bursted into tears. I just couldnt help crying. James put his arm around my shoulders, something that Janet cant do while she is on duty because of the rules, even though she is now my legal gaurdian. James held me, as i cried and cried. "I dont want the girls to see me like this" I sobbed. "Its ok hon. They wont be back for awhile yet. Janet knows that i wanted to catch up with you" he said to me. I nodded and hicceuped. "So how has things been?" he asked me. I shrugged and tried to calm myself down before i spoke. "I dont like Katie or Dr Greens, they both make me feel uncomfortable" I said, and then wiped my eyes dry. He straightened up and then looked at me, his eyes soft. "How so, sweatheart?" he asked me. I sighed. "I thought i was only Dr Johanson`s patient, not theirs!" I said, confused. James thought for a moment. Then he looked at me. "Come with me babe" he said to me. I followed James to the reception area and he was talking to a girl behind the desk. "I will just call them down" she was saying.
Ten minutes later, Katie and Dr Greens were both down here. "Er, whats wrong boss?" they asked James. Wow! I thought. I didnt know that he was their boss! Oops! James looked at the ladies. "I thought when we had our meeting was that Janet would be Stacey`s doctor?" he said. "Yes but-" Katie and Dr Greens started saying. "NO BUTTS!" he bellowed. Janet touched his arm. "Sweatie, lets calm down now" she said softly. "I told you that only myself or Janet were to work with Stacey" he said to the girls. "But. Sir, she is a mongrel of a child!" Katie said. I broke. I bursted into tears and ran for my room. "Now look what you have done Kate" Janet said. "But she is a bitch" "Look, i want all of Stacey`s files on my desk tonight when i come in to start work. Heard me? Good, cya later" he said, as he turned to Janet and the girls. He lifted Jena into his arms. "Come on girls, lets go back home" he said as he kissed Janet goodbye. "Go and see if Stacey is alright. Tell her everything, that i am the one that is in charge and everything babe. I will see you at 6pm" he said as he kissed Janet goodbye and she said goodbye to the girls and then she went back inside and went up to see how i was doing.
I was sitting in my bed, feeling miserable. Then i heard a knock on my door. I didnt say anything and then i heard my door open a crack. "Sweatie. Its Janet" she said as she sat down on a chair. "I know that you feel lied to and confused, but the reason why i am looking after you is because James is the one that is in charge of everyone in the adolesent physch ward. He is Katie`s and Dr Greens boss. He wasnt happy that they were purposely excluding him from the work that they were doing with you. That is why, he has now told me to only work with you and that kind of stuff. James and I have worked that you can see both of us if you need too. I have the day shifts and James has the night shifts. So that means if you need something or need to talk to someone, one of us will be here to listen"she said to me. "I just feel that it might be right so that we know you are settling in and stuff babe" she said. I nodded. "I just feel that people were using me, does anyone else know that James is the big boss in this ward?" I asked Janet. "No, just you and the staff. If you mean Cindy, she doesnt know that James is my husband" she said to me. I nodded. "I dont know. I just feel so alone and that not many people understand me with what im going through. I feel very alone and that you and James dont understand me" I said as i started crying and then i couldnt stop. She hugged me. "Oh hun. We understand and know what you are going through babe" she told me quietly. I started crying again. "What do i have to do to get better?" I asked Janet, quietly. "You have to co operate and want to get better, it is going to be a slow process, i wont lie to you about that hon" she said to me. Tears trickled down my cheeks. Janet got up and kissed me on the forehead. "Im gonna go for a bit. See what Katie and Dr Greens have to say. If you want to write in your new diary, feel free to babe" she said to me and then she left me alone, in this quiet room.
I sighed and then i went over to my desk and got my diary out to write in on the first page and then i just started writing.
I put the diary away under my pillow and then i opened my door and went for a walk. I walked passed the Nurse`s office, then went to the Dayroom, where i saw that Esther was sitting in the corner of it, as the others were sitting around the Tv, talking. "Hey Stacey" Oliver said to me nicely. I smiled "Hi Oliver, what ya up to?" I asked him, as i stood with Esther and he came over and stood with us. "Not much, the movie is getting to ****ing boring.I just seem edgy for no reason today. Want to come and have a smoke?" he asked me and Esther. "Sure" we said and then we walked out to the courtyard and then we stood under some trees, lighting our smokes.
"So, anything new happening?" Oliver asked us. Esther shrugged. "Meaning what? Its not like we can be more ****ed up then what we ****ing are, Oliver" she said, as she took a drag of her smoke. I laughed. "Yeah, you do have a point, with asking that" I said to Oliver. He pushed back, leaning against a tree. "I know, but ****, we are just so different from everyone else, in the outside world" he said, casually. I nodded. "I know, but what the **** are we meant to do about it? We all have our own ****ing problems" I said. "Yeah i know obviously. Like, we are all in hospital, but yet we are so ****ing different, but yet so similar, it gives me the ****ing creeps" Oliver said. Esther nodded. "I know. Its ****ed. Like, in a way, everyone else wants to, like, play this competition to ****ing see, who is the most ****ed, do you know what i mean?" she asked Oliver and I. We both nodded.
We both slid down onto the dirt around the trees. "Its ****ed. I like, thought id never end up in here, in one of these places, well, thats what our families are always afraid of, there kids ending up in here, ya know? How they always look ashamed when they visit us or come in for ****ing family therapy" said Oliver. "None of us wanted to be in here, Oliver, but yes we both know what you mean, right Stacey?" Esther asked me. I nodded. "Yep. Like in a way, i thought that i couldnt be more ****ed, but i am. Its been always like this, we have to walk a certain way, talk a certain way and have certain friends; or you wouldnt be socially excepted, friends always used to say that i always caused "social suicide", now, seriously, what the ****? Just because i want to be different and have problems, doesnt mean i always want to hang around the ****ing same bitches" I said. Oliver and Esther nodded. "Yeah i know, even for a male, i had that same problem, but as you turned to self harm, i just didnt eat, what was wrong with that? Well, i realise now that i have a problem, but before i came in here, i was always in ****ing denial" he said. He grounded his smoke and then he just watched us. "Hmhmh. My family wanted everything to be ****ing perfect, walk in a straight line, talk in a straight line and if i swore, or smoked, my Dad would hit me. Turning to alcohol and drugs was the only way i could cope and then i ****ing got expelled from two schools and then my ****ing parents tried homeschooling, being in the house for that long, made me scream, made me anti social and made me just be depedant on cutting, boes and drugs. Then my parents found out and freaked, they called a ****ing shrink and then i was in counselling for a month, gave up the alcohol and drugs but started cutting myself, daily. My parents didnt find out, until i was lying on the bathroom floor, unconcious. I had drunk a bottle of dettol and then tried to slit my throat and wrist, cause i wasnt happy at home and yet my parents always denied that i had a ****ing problem" she said and then she went quiet. I sighed and then i grounded my smoke and just thought for a moment. "I hate being ****ing depressed,Mum had turned to drugs and then she married my stepdad cos my real dad went away with this whore and then it was like, she couldnt stay with a guy any longer then two years. She found this one guy, Bruce, and he seemed nice, right up until the time, they got married and he was my stepdad until he told my Mum he didnt want any kids around and that he hated my brother and I. Made me sick. He beated my younger brother every night if i he wouldnt be nice, he was only eight, so he didnt know what the **** was going on and then one night, he tried to sexually assualt me. Made me sick to remember it. Then i turned to my body, cause i felt foul that i was a guy and that i ****ing got raped by my stepdad. I told my mum and she thought i was lieing, this went on for a few months and then one night, Mum found me trying to overdose on pills and then she freaked and called the cops. That faithful night, i got admitted. ****ed up ey?" he said, we nodded but went silent.
We grounded our smokes and then we went back to the DayRoom. It was getting late, round about 6:30pm. We all sat on the lounge together and then we started talking again, Esther started it. "So, have you guys been writing in your books?" she asked us. I nodded. "Im a good a suck, yuk yuk" I commented. "I have but what the ****ing good isnt going to do? Like i dont want to remember this ****" Oliver growled. I sighed and then Dr Lewis, Oliver`s shrink came in looking for him. "Come on everyone, dinner is ready" she said to all of us. We groaned.
After dinner, i went into the Dayroom and just sat their queitly, just i dont know needing to think and sorting some stuff out in my head. I couldnt believe how ****ed up you could get from your stepdad hitting you or that you get really senistive and **** like that.
I put my head in my hands and i tried not to cry, or the nurses would want to put my medication up and i dont want that, hell no. Thoughts were running through my head, screaming at me, to go back to the life that i once had. I cried softly for awhile and then i just let myself cry.
I heard footsteps. Someone was coming closer to me. I didnt dare look, but i flinched, when i knew someone was sitting next to me on the lounge. "Hey Stacey. I know that you might want to be left alone, but i am here if you need me to be. If there is anything that you need. call for me. I will be here all night, if you need anything" he said to me gently. I cried silently and then looked up at James, as he was about to leave the room. "James?" I whispered, so no one else could hear and because i was scared of hearing my own voice at this moment. James stopped and he looked at me. His eyes were soft and caring, so was his expression on his face. It looked to me that he and Janet have been sympathising with me and my situations and problems. "Yes hunny?" he asked me, in that gentle sympathetic tone of his. A tear trickled down my cheek. " When can i go out during the day?" I asked. "You cannot go out anywhere by yourself, but I might be able to arrange something for tomorrow because tomorrow is the weekend" he said to me. I smiled smalishly, to show my thanks.
From then on, i just seemed to loose the plot. I started crying heavily and sobbing. I didnt know why i was crying, all i know is that i was. James put his arm around me softly. "Let it out sweatheart. Its ok to cry. Come on, lets go to your room" he said and then he helped me up, the sobbering mess that i was and we walked slowly to my room in the hospital.
I sat on my bed and James sat on the chair, after he had closed my door. He threw me a stuffed dog to cuddle, which made me smile a little. " Darling, i know that things are painful for you right now- it may just be the start of something bigger- but Janet and I want you to trust us, you dont need to hide any secrets from us sweatie. Tomorrow im going to prescribe some antidepresants for you and something that will help you sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and you will be coming out with us" he said to me and i nodded and yawned. He got up from his chair and he helped me pull down my bed. "Now, lets get you dressed" he said to me and i didnt bother to argue because i was do depressed and tired.
I hoped into bed, just as James was coming back with my tablet that i was going to take. He gave it to me with a glass of water. I took it and then got into bed and curled up into the covers. James kissed me on the forehead and whispered goodnight to me. I just fell asleep.
There was a knock on my door, as i was waking up this morning. I yawned and sat up in bed. A nurse let herself in and she was holding a breakfast tray, which she put down on my table and then she looked at me. "Morning Stacey. Dr J Johanson has told me to give you this now" she gave me a glass of water and a tablet, which i took obediently. "Good girl. I also have a message that you have to be in the Dayroom by 8am" she said to me and then she left me.
I got out of bed after i ate breakfast and then i got dressed in a shirt and a skirt and then combed my hair and slipped on my buckled shoes.
Later.....
I was walking towards the Dayroom and then i spotted Charlotte. She ran to me and then we hugged. She jumped into my arms, which made me laugh and smile. I hugged her and kissed her cheek, as James was coming over, holding Jena, who was throwing her arms everywhere possible. I laughed and kissed Jena and then Janet lent over to me "Lets go outside now girls" she said to all of us and then we walked outside to where the car was parked and then i got the biggest surprise ever. James was standing at the back of the four wheel drive, holding a small little wriggly Labrador puppy! I squeled and went red with excitement and embarrassement. I smiled as Janet said "you can go over and see her you know" into my ear. I walked over to James, kissed him on the cheek as he gave me the wriggly happy bundle of fur that was the puppy. She rolled around in my arms as she licked my chin, arms and hands. Her little pink tongue was moving so fast. I smiled and cuddled her closely, as she licked my nose which made me giggle loudly. "So do you like the puppy Stacey?" Charlotte asked me with alot of energy. I laughed and nodded as she snuggled up to me. "She`s beautiful. Thanks guys" I said to James, Janet and Charlotte. They smiled at me and then we all got into the car.
We drove in silence. Charlotte looking out the window, Jena fidgeting in her carseat and the puppy squirming around in my arms, as i cuddled and held her close to me.
The day went smoothly. They took me to the movies, shopping and then out to dinner, because we were in the shops for forever.
We pulled up at the resteraunt and then we went inside to order.
All through the meal, i was feeling depressed, edgy, having cravings to self injure and feelings of lonliness. I got up and excused myself to go to the toilet silently and then i went to the bathroom and just stood in front of the mirror for ages, looking at myself, letting the negative voices in my head take over.
Tears were slowly running down my cheeks, as i went to the cubicle and then i locked the door and then went into my bag and got out a blade. I sighed, as i put it to my wrist and then i just cut myself over and over again.
Time passed, as i watched my blood drip from my wrist. I slid to the floor and then i put my head in my hands and cried.
A door creeked open.
"Stacey? Honey? Its me, Janet. Are you ok?" she asked me softly.
I couldnt answer her, i just kept huddled together and crying silently.
There was silence for a few moments.
"Have you.....?" Janet asked quietly.
I couldnt answer. I just kept on crying.
"I feel that i will get into trouble and that ill be blamed" I whispered softly.
Janet sighed. "Sweatheart. No, no you wont be judged. No blame will be put on you. We are all here to help you babe. Now, i think that you have hurt yourself, so that means i will have to call for an ambulance, because they will need to tend to your cuts sugar" she said.
I cried and balled my eyes out.
"Come on, come on out of here babe" she cooed, as i slowly opened the door. "Come on, good girl, dont worry, the girls have been taken to the car with Dad" she said to me softly.
I sighed and then i kept on crying.
Janet put her arm around me. She kissed me on the forehead. "Come on, lets go out to the car and say goodbye to the girls" she said to me softly.
I gulped and then nodded. I felt helpless and ashamed.
We went to the car and i hugged Charlotte and Jena. I hugged my puppy. I smiled as she licked me on the nose. "Im going to call you Angel" I whispered to her, as i snuggled into her fur.
I came away from the car, as the girls started to wave at me. I sadly waved bacl to them.
Janet and James said goodbye to eachother. "I will see you in the morning, my beautiful three girls" he said to his daughters and Janet. "Take good care of Angel girls" he added softly. Janet hugged me close. " I will see you tomorrow. Take care tonight. Dont hold back on James. If you need to cry, cry. Scream. Get angry. Let your emotions fly babes.I love you" she said to me as i cried again and clung to her. I sniffed. "Doesnt James have other patients?" I asked. "No sweatheart. Im all yours. And so is Janet, during the day" he said to me, as he put an arm around my shoulders.
We waved goodbye to the girls as the drove off, then James looked at me. "Come on sugarpie. Come to the car" he said softly to me.
We walked to the car and he opened the backdoor for me to get in and then he shut it and then he got in the other side.
"Come on babes. Let me see" he asked.
I cried hysterically. I pulled away and huddled into a ball.
"I know that this might make you feel vunreble. Lost. Upset. Embarrassed. Confused. But babe. You know that you have to show me. Look babe, i know that you are scared but if you show me, i might not have to tell the bosses everything that happened. Just maybe that you were upset or something. How would that feel for you if i do that Stacey?"he asked me. I nodded and then i cried nire. I sighed and then i pulled up my sleeve and showed James my cut up wrist. I cried and cried and i felt so lost. "Hold on hun. Im just going to get some stuff out of my bag to clean the wound" he said to me. I nodded, as i tried to keep my tears away from going everywhere. He cleaned my wound and then he bandaged it up and made sure that it was clean. "There, you go sweatheart. Now, you know that we have to go back to the hospital grounds. It will be ok babes. I will help you get ready for bed at the moment. I will come and see you in the morning sweatheart. Come on, go and do yourself up and lets go Stacey" he said to me as i nodded and then i buckled up.
I sighed, as James made me follow him back to the Adolesent Ward. I sighed as we went into the room and my bed was made with clean sheets. I sat up and got changed into my pajamas. James knocked on my door and then he came in. "Come sweatie. You need the bandages changed" he told me. I got up slowly and followed him to the Nurses Station and then we went in and i sat down and then i went back to my room after their were clean bandages on my cuts.
Later on, i sat on my bed, waiting for sleep to come and get me to sleep.
Why am i in this mess? Why do i feel so different at the moment? The thoughts kept going through my head, as i broke down and cried noisly. My thoughts and feelings just ran out of me, loudly and noisily, cause i didnt see any reason to quieten down with the emotional pain i was feeling.
I was curled up in my bed, as there was a knock on my bedroom door, as i looked up and saw James quietly shutting my bedroom door. I looked up at him, my face wet from crying so much, and i just burried my head in my pillow. He walked closer to me. I just kept laying there, not knowing what he would do or what he would say, the silence of uncertainy, the fear for me of talking and saying way too much. He came and sat down at the end of my bed, i curled my legs up underneath myself and let him sit down. I snuggled up to my blankets, breathing heavily.
"Stacey, are you alright?" he asked me.
I didnt answer of fear of what i was going to say, that it would get me in trouble. I just stayed silently crying.
There was a pause.
"Babes, i came in to see if you were ok. A nurse notified me that you were crying, not sleeping silently"
I stared at my pillow. Not knowing what to say or do or do at this stage.
Then i let it all out. I cried and screamed my lungs out. I couldnt take this pain anymore that i have been feeling.
James came close and hugged me. "Itll be ok. Just let it all out hun" he said to me.
I cried for about ten minutes nonstop.
I sniffed, wiped my eyes and then I rolled over, so James couldnt see me.
"Babe, i am here if you want to talk, ok?" he said to me, silently in a whisper.
I nodded,as i kept crying.
Then i got suddenly angry.
"I ****ing hate myself. I dont want to be here, all i want to do is cut" then i bursted into tears again.
James hugged me close.
I kept on crying then i think i eventually cried myself to sleep that night.
I put my head in my hands and i tried not to cry, or the nurses would want to put my medication up and i dont want that, hell no. Thoughts were running through my head, screaming at me, to go back to the life that i once had. I cried softly for awhile and then i just let myself cry.
I heard footsteps. Someone was coming closer to me. I didnt dare look, but i flinched, when i knew someone was sitting next to me on the lounge. "Hey Stacey. I know that you might want to be left alone, but i am here if you need me to be. If there is anything that you need. call for me. I will be here all night, if you need anything" he said to me gently. I cried silently and then looked up at James, as he was about to leave the room. "James?" I whispered, so no one else could hear and because i was scared of hearing my own voice at this moment. James stopped and he looked at me. His eyes were soft and caring, so was his expression on his face. It looked to me that he and Janet have been sympathising with me and my situations and problems. "Yes hunny?" he asked me, in that gentle sympathetic tone of his. A tear trickled down my cheek. " When can i go out during the day?" I asked. "You cannot go out anywhere by yourself, but I might be able to arrange something for tomorrow because tomorrow is the weekend" he said to me. I smiled smalishly, to show my thanks.
From then on, i just seemed to loose the plot. I started crying heavily and sobbing. I didnt know why i was crying, all i know is that i was. James put his arm around me softly. "Let it out sweatheart. Its ok to cry. Come on, lets go to your room" he said and then he helped me up, the sobbering mess that i was and we walked slowly to my room in the hospital.
I sat on my bed and James sat on the chair, after he had closed my door. He threw me a stuffed dog to cuddle, which made me smile a little. " Darling, i know that things are painful for you right now- it may just be the start of something bigger- but Janet and I want you to trust us, you dont need to hide any secrets from us sweatie. Tomorrow im going to prescribe some antidepresants for you and something that will help you sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and you will be coming out with us" he said to me and i nodded and yawned. He got up from his chair and he helped me pull down my bed. "Now, lets get you dressed" he said to me and i didnt bother to argue because i was do depressed and tired.
I hoped into bed, just as James was coming back with my tablet that i was going to take. He gave it to me with a glass of water. I took it and then got into bed and curled up into the covers. James kissed me on the forehead and whispered goodnight to me. I just fell asleep.
There was a knock on my door, as i was waking up this morning. I yawned and sat up in bed. A nurse let herself in and she was holding a breakfast tray, which she put down on my table and then she looked at me. "Morning Stacey. Dr J Johanson has told me to give you this now" she gave me a glass of water and a tablet, which i took obediently. "Good girl. I also have a message that you have to be in the Dayroom by 8am" she said to me and then she left me.
I got out of bed after i ate breakfast and then i got dressed in a shirt and a skirt and then combed my hair and slipped on my buckled shoes.
Later.....
I was walking towards the Dayroom and then i spotted Charlotte. She ran to me and then we hugged. She jumped into my arms, which made me laugh and smile. I hugged her and kissed her cheek, as James was coming over, holding Jena, who was throwing her arms everywhere possible. I laughed and kissed Jena and then Janet lent over to me "Lets go outside now girls" she said to all of us and then we walked outside to where the car was parked and then i got the biggest surprise ever. James was standing at the back of the four wheel drive, holding a small little wriggly Labrador puppy! I squeled and went red with excitement and embarrassement. I smiled as Janet said "you can go over and see her you know" into my ear. I walked over to James, kissed him on the cheek as he gave me the wriggly happy bundle of fur that was the puppy. She rolled around in my arms as she licked my chin, arms and hands. Her little pink tongue was moving so fast. I smiled and cuddled her closely, as she licked my nose which made me giggle loudly. "So do you like the puppy Stacey?" Charlotte asked me with alot of energy. I laughed and nodded as she snuggled up to me. "She`s beautiful. Thanks guys" I said to James, Janet and Charlotte. They smiled at me and then we all got into the car.
We drove in silence. Charlotte looking out the window, Jena fidgeting in her carseat and the puppy squirming around in my arms, as i cuddled and held her close to me.
The day went smoothly. They took me to the movies, shopping and then out to dinner, because we were in the shops for forever.
We pulled up at the resteraunt and then we went inside to order.
All through the meal, i was feeling depressed, edgy, having cravings to self injure and feelings of lonliness. I got up and excused myself to go to the toilet silently and then i went to the bathroom and just stood in front of the mirror for ages, looking at myself, letting the negative voices in my head take over.
Tears were slowly running down my cheeks, as i went to the cubicle and then i locked the door and then went into my bag and got out a blade. I sighed, as i put it to my wrist and then i just cut myself over and over again.
Time passed, as i watched my blood drip from my wrist. I slid to the floor and then i put my head in my hands and cried.
A door creeked open.
"Stacey? Honey? Its me, Janet. Are you ok?" she asked me softly.
I couldnt answer her, i just kept huddled together and crying silently.
There was silence for a few moments.
"Have you.....?" Janet asked quietly.
I couldnt answer. I just kept on crying.
"I feel that i will get into trouble and that ill be blamed" I whispered softly.
Janet sighed. "Sweatheart. No, no you wont be judged. No blame will be put on you. We are all here to help you babe. Now, i think that you have hurt yourself, so that means i will have to call for an ambulance, because they will need to tend to your cuts sugar" she said.
I cried and balled my eyes out.
"Come on, come on out of here babe" she cooed, as i slowly opened the door. "Come on, good girl, dont worry, the girls have been taken to the car with Dad" she said to me softly.
I sighed and then i kept on crying.
Janet put her arm around me. She kissed me on the forehead. "Come on, lets go out to the car and say goodbye to the girls" she said to me softly.
I gulped and then nodded. I felt helpless and ashamed.
We went to the car and i hugged Charlotte and Jena. I hugged my puppy. I smiled as she licked me on the nose. "Im going to call you Angel" I whispered to her, as i snuggled into her fur.
I came away from the car, as the girls started to wave at me. I sadly waved bacl to them.
Janet and James said goodbye to eachother. "I will see you in the morning, my beautiful three girls" he said to his daughters and Janet. "Take good care of Angel girls" he added softly. Janet hugged me close. " I will see you tomorrow. Take care tonight. Dont hold back on James. If you need to cry, cry. Scream. Get angry. Let your emotions fly babes.I love you" she said to me as i cried again and clung to her. I sniffed. "Doesnt James have other patients?" I asked. "No sweatheart. Im all yours. And so is Janet, during the day" he said to me, as he put an arm around my shoulders.
We waved goodbye to the girls as the drove off, then James looked at me. "Come on sugarpie. Come to the car" he said softly to me.
We walked to the car and he opened the backdoor for me to get in and then he shut it and then he got in the other side.
"Come on babes. Let me see" he asked.
I cried hysterically. I pulled away and huddled into a ball.
"I know that this might make you feel vunreble. Lost. Upset. Embarrassed. Confused. But babe. You know that you have to show me. Look babe, i know that you are scared but if you show me, i might not have to tell the bosses everything that happened. Just maybe that you were upset or something. How would that feel for you if i do that Stacey?"he asked me. I nodded and then i cried nire. I sighed and then i pulled up my sleeve and showed James my cut up wrist. I cried and cried and i felt so lost. "Hold on hun. Im just going to get some stuff out of my bag to clean the wound" he said to me. I nodded, as i tried to keep my tears away from going everywhere. He cleaned my wound and then he bandaged it up and made sure that it was clean. "There, you go sweatheart. Now, you know that we have to go back to the hospital grounds. It will be ok babes. I will help you get ready for bed at the moment. I will come and see you in the morning sweatheart. Come on, go and do yourself up and lets go Stacey" he said to me as i nodded and then i buckled up.
I sighed, as James made me follow him back to the Adolesent Ward. I sighed as we went into the room and my bed was made with clean sheets. I sat up and got changed into my pajamas. James knocked on my door and then he came in. "Come sweatie. You need the bandages changed" he told me. I got up slowly and followed him to the Nurses Station and then we went in and i sat down and then i went back to my room after their were clean bandages on my cuts.
Later on, i sat on my bed, waiting for sleep to come and get me to sleep.
Why am i in this mess? Why do i feel so different at the moment? The thoughts kept going through my head, as i broke down and cried noisly. My thoughts and feelings just ran out of me, loudly and noisily, cause i didnt see any reason to quieten down with the emotional pain i was feeling.
I was curled up in my bed, as there was a knock on my bedroom door, as i looked up and saw James quietly shutting my bedroom door. I looked up at him, my face wet from crying so much, and i just burried my head in my pillow. He walked closer to me. I just kept laying there, not knowing what he would do or what he would say, the silence of uncertainy, the fear for me of talking and saying way too much. He came and sat down at the end of my bed, i curled my legs up underneath myself and let him sit down. I snuggled up to my blankets, breathing heavily.
"Stacey, are you alright?" he asked me.
I didnt answer of fear of what i was going to say, that it would get me in trouble. I just stayed silently crying.
There was a pause.
"Babes, i came in to see if you were ok. A nurse notified me that you were crying, not sleeping silently"
I stared at my pillow. Not knowing what to say or do or do at this stage.
Then i let it all out. I cried and screamed my lungs out. I couldnt take this pain anymore that i have been feeling.
James came close and hugged me. "Itll be ok. Just let it all out hun" he said to me.
I cried for about ten minutes nonstop.
I sniffed, wiped my eyes and then I rolled over, so James couldnt see me.
"Babe, i am here if you want to talk, ok?" he said to me, silently in a whisper.
I nodded,as i kept crying.
Then i got suddenly angry.
"I ****ing hate myself. I dont want to be here, all i want to do is cut" then i bursted into tears again.
James hugged me close.
I kept on crying then i think i eventually cried myself to sleep that night.
James looked at the trainee.
“Hello, Justin. Why are you here with this young lady?” he asked Justin quietly.
Justin got up and moved closer to where James, Janet and I were all standing.
“I was here to check on Stacey” he said.
James had to hold his temper. “Who sent you?” he asked, the anger in his voice as he maybe knew what the reply would be, showing slightly.
Justin stood firm. Though he didn’t say anything when James addressed him again. “Boy, who sent you?”
Justin didn’t answer at all.
I thought that I should step in, though I didn’t know if this was my place to.
I cleared my throat. “Excuse me, Dr Johansson, Sir?” I asked quietly.
James looked at me. “Yes, Stacey, you may say what you wish now” he said to me. I relaxed and looked only at James, trying to ignore the fact that James was staring at me, wondering what I was going to say. I didn’t care. He has no control over me. James and Janet on the other hand do.
I took a deep breath. “Sir, Justin came into this room, when I was journaling, under the thought that I was to stay here until you or Janet called for me. Doctor. Justin came in, addressed me by name and asked how I was. I didn’t know what he was doing here but then when I didn’t answer, he told me that he was sent here by Dr Greens and Katie” I paused to let that sink in. I just felt like crying because I didn’t like this conflict that was going on at the moment. A tear trickled down my cheek. This brought back the memories of when Mum and Dad were always arguing with me and then they got divorced and then the same thing seemed to happen with my Mum and now my step dad as well. As everyone was waiting for me to finish what I was saying, tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Why are you crying Stacey? Katie always said that you were a cry baby I guess that she was right” Justin said meanly to me.
“JUSTIN! HOW DARE YOU!” James yelled, in horror and shock.
Justin looked smug. He shrugged. “It’s the truth isn’t it?” he asked, innocently.
“**** I cant take this!” I announced and then I got up and collected my diary and other things that were on the floor and I just ran out of there.
Janet was horrified and she looked at her husband and then back at Justin. “How dare you say that about a patient? I am disgusted with you and not to mention Katie or Dr Greens!” Janet said, furiously.
James looked at Justin. “You may be dismissed but I would like to say a few last words kid. Did you know that I am Katie and Greens boss? Did you even think of that?” “No I didn’t but what does it matter?” Justin said,
“It matters a great amount of deal boy!” he roared. “I can get you suspended for a month because of what you said about Stacey and because of her condition. Did you think about that?”
Justin shook his head. “Can I go now?” he asked happily.
“Go! Be off with you now!” James said.
James looked at Janet. “What a mess Stacey had to go through” he said.
Janet nodded. “Yes, I agree. Stacey seemed really upset. I better go see her. I will be careful, I think that she is hiding something from us and that she may be all scared now to be open with us now” she said. James nodded. “Yes I know, but don’t be to hard on here hunnie. We cant push her away from us or she will shut down completely” he said, Janet nodded and then she was off to go see Stacey.
I was in my bedroom, crying hysterically, when I heard a knock on my door. I was feeling pathetic and small because of what that trainee had said about me. I didn’t know if he was telling the truth or that he was lying.
“Can I come in sweatheart?” Janet asked me at the door softly.
“Yes” I said, between sniffles and crying.
She looked at me as she sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Babes. If you want to talk you know that I am here right?” she told me.
“None of those things that Justin said are true about me and James. We both care for you dearly, you know that and we are thrilled that you trust us so much because you mean a lot to us and we want to help you get better. You know that we wouldn’t do that unless you mean something to someone and to us you mean a great deal. We want to give you the things in life that you’re own parents couldn’t give you or the things that they didn’t want to give you” she said to me. I nodded because I was crying and then Janet saw this and she hugged me close to her.
After a few minutes, I looked up at Janet. “Why did you take me in?” I asked her quietly. She took my hands into her hands. She looked into my eyes. “Because I saw potential in you and I also saw pain, which is why you are here in hospital to try and work through some of that pain. I know that it might take awhile but you don’t have to worry about that” she said to me softly. I hugged her and sighed. I got up from my bed. “But I feel like a complete bitch now because of everything that has happened” I cried silently. Janet held me for a few minutes just to let me cry.
I must have fallen asleep because the laast thing that I remember is Janet holding me as I was crying, so I must have fallen asleep. I got up out of bed and then I got dressed and opened my door to go to the dining hall for breakfast and for my medication.
After breakfast, I got up silently from where I sat to eat and then I went to the room that we have Group in. I sighed, because I didn’t know how I felt anymore, maybe depressed, lonely, feeling annoyed that this is taking so long and just part of me wishing that I could get out of here but at the same time, wanting to stay here forever, knowing where I am and that it is somewhere safe for me to be and it makes me feel safe knowing that the staff know me and that in here no one is going to hurt me in any way or form. Even though I feel safe, it doesn’t mean that I feel at ease or at home because I don’t. Most days I don’t want to be here and the other days, im happy and get the work done that our doctors assign all of us kids to do and to get done at a certain time. Most days am lazy and don’t do that much or I am just severely depressed and don’t do any of it at all, so I am behind in the work that I have to do apart as my program.
I was sitting comfortably on a cushion that was in the room that we have Group, as Janet knocked on the door. Even though that this room is where we have Group it is also a room that we can use individually if we want to, to listen to music, to be by ourselves to do whatever we wanted.\
Janet came in slowly. I sighed. “Morning Stacey, I see that you are here early. Is everything ok today?” she asked me kindly.
My face scrunched up tightly. “What is it to you?!” I yelled at her.
“It is something to both me and James, because we care about you sweetheart an awful lot” she said, patiently.
I folded my arms and turned away. I didn’t want to speak to her and then she left the room.
I stayed turned away at the window, as everyone came into Group.
Everyone sat down on pillows and then Marj came in and shut the door.
“Good morning everyone” she said to all of us.
Everyone replied, except me.
“I think that someone is very upset today” she said, looking in my direction. “**** off” I replied. Everyone started making sympathetic noises and I couldn’t stand it. “SHUT UP!” I yelled.
The room went silent and then they just waited for me to spill my guts. They do that here, they use silence as a way for me or anyone to start talking.
I didn’t start talking, didn’t do anything. That is what they hate, when they get nothing or no responses from me.
I wrapped myself in a ball and then I curled up.
“I WANT TO ****ING GO HOME!” I yelled out at the top of my lungs.
Then I lost control and bursted into tears.
No one said anything for a few minutes. I was just there, sitting all huddled together, crying hysterically.
Marj looked at me. Then she got up and told the kids to stay where they were. She opened the door and pushed a button. In a few moments, Barry appeared. “Go get Janet or…..” she said, as she paused because she didn’t know what to say to Barry.
He came over to me patiently. He kneeled down beside me. He put his hand on my shoulder, to try and help me calm down. “Whats up babe?” he asked me softly.
I just kept crying. I couldn’t speak but I also was afraid of what words would come out of my mouth if I spoke.
Barry looked at Marj. “We need to talk” he said to her. “Why?” she asked. “Don’t play games. You know why” he said. Then he turned to Cindy, Ben, Daniel, Oliver, Esther and Emine. “I am going to take Stacey out of here for today and then she might be back for this afternoon`s session. Bye kids” he said and he looked at me. “Come on honey. Lets get out of here for awhile” Barry said to me. I didn’t move.
I took a deep breath. “Sir, Justin came into this room, when I was journaling, under the thought that I was to stay here until you or Janet called for me. Doctor. Justin came in, addressed me by name and asked how I was. I didn’t know what he was doing here but then when I didn’t answer, he told me that he was sent here by Dr Greens and Katie” I paused to let that sink in. I just felt like crying because I didn’t like this conflict that was going on at the moment. A tear trickled down my cheek. This brought back the memories of when Mum and Dad were always arguing with me and then they got divorced and then the same thing seemed to happen with my Mum and now my step dad as well. As everyone was waiting for me to finish what I was saying, tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Why are you crying Stacey? Katie always said that you were a cry baby I guess that she was right” Justin said meanly to me.
“JUSTIN! HOW DARE YOU!” James yelled, in horror and shock.
Justin looked smug. He shrugged. “It’s the truth isn’t it?” he asked, innocently.
“**** I cant take this!” I announced and then I got up and collected my diary and other things that were on the floor and I just ran out of there.
Janet was horrified and she looked at her husband and then back at Justin. “How dare you say that about a patient? I am disgusted with you and not to mention Katie or Dr Greens!” Janet said, furiously.
James looked at Justin. “You may be dismissed but I would like to say a few last words kid. Did you know that I am Katie and Greens boss? Did you even think of that?” “No I didn’t but what does it matter?” Justin said,
“It matters a great amount of deal boy!” he roared. “I can get you suspended for a month because of what you said about Stacey and because of her condition. Did you think about that?”
Justin shook his head. “Can I go now?” he asked happily.
“Go! Be off with you now!” James said.
James looked at Janet. “What a mess Stacey had to go through” he said.
Janet nodded. “Yes, I agree. Stacey seemed really upset. I better go see her. I will be careful, I think that she is hiding something from us and that she may be all scared now to be open with us now” she said. James nodded. “Yes I know, but don’t be to hard on here hunnie. We cant push her away from us or she will shut down completely” he said, Janet nodded and then she was off to go see Stacey.
I was in my bedroom, crying hysterically, when I heard a knock on my door. I was feeling pathetic and small because of what that trainee had said about me. I didn’t know if he was telling the truth or that he was lying.
“Can I come in sweatheart?” Janet asked me at the door softly.
“Yes” I said, between sniffles and crying.
She looked at me as she sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Babes. If you want to talk you know that I am here right?” she told me.
“None of those things that Justin said are true about me and James. We both care for you dearly, you know that and we are thrilled that you trust us so much because you mean a lot to us and we want to help you get better. You know that we wouldn’t do that unless you mean something to someone and to us you mean a great deal. We want to give you the things in life that you’re own parents couldn’t give you or the things that they didn’t want to give you” she said to me. I nodded because I was crying and then Janet saw this and she hugged me close to her.
After a few minutes, I looked up at Janet. “Why did you take me in?” I asked her quietly. She took my hands into her hands. She looked into my eyes. “Because I saw potential in you and I also saw pain, which is why you are here in hospital to try and work through some of that pain. I know that it might take awhile but you don’t have to worry about that” she said to me softly. I hugged her and sighed. I got up from my bed. “But I feel like a complete bitch now because of everything that has happened” I cried silently. Janet held me for a few minutes just to let me cry.
I must have fallen asleep because the laast thing that I remember is Janet holding me as I was crying, so I must have fallen asleep. I got up out of bed and then I got dressed and opened my door to go to the dining hall for breakfast and for my medication.
After breakfast, I got up silently from where I sat to eat and then I went to the room that we have Group in. I sighed, because I didn’t know how I felt anymore, maybe depressed, lonely, feeling annoyed that this is taking so long and just part of me wishing that I could get out of here but at the same time, wanting to stay here forever, knowing where I am and that it is somewhere safe for me to be and it makes me feel safe knowing that the staff know me and that in here no one is going to hurt me in any way or form. Even though I feel safe, it doesn’t mean that I feel at ease or at home because I don’t. Most days I don’t want to be here and the other days, im happy and get the work done that our doctors assign all of us kids to do and to get done at a certain time. Most days am lazy and don’t do that much or I am just severely depressed and don’t do any of it at all, so I am behind in the work that I have to do apart as my program.
I was sitting comfortably on a cushion that was in the room that we have Group, as Janet knocked on the door. Even though that this room is where we have Group it is also a room that we can use individually if we want to, to listen to music, to be by ourselves to do whatever we wanted.\
Janet came in slowly. I sighed. “Morning Stacey, I see that you are here early. Is everything ok today?” she asked me kindly.
My face scrunched up tightly. “What is it to you?!” I yelled at her.
“It is something to both me and James, because we care about you sweetheart an awful lot” she said, patiently.
I folded my arms and turned away. I didn’t want to speak to her and then she left the room.
I stayed turned away at the window, as everyone came into Group.
Everyone sat down on pillows and then Marj came in and shut the door.
“Good morning everyone” she said to all of us.
Everyone replied, except me.
“I think that someone is very upset today” she said, looking in my direction. “**** off” I replied. Everyone started making sympathetic noises and I couldn’t stand it. “SHUT UP!” I yelled.
The room went silent and then they just waited for me to spill my guts. They do that here, they use silence as a way for me or anyone to start talking.
I didn’t start talking, didn’t do anything. That is what they hate, when they get nothing or no responses from me.
I wrapped myself in a ball and then I curled up.
“I WANT TO ****ING GO HOME!” I yelled out at the top of my lungs.
Then I lost control and bursted into tears.
No one said anything for a few minutes. I was just there, sitting all huddled together, crying hysterically.
Marj looked at me. Then she got up and told the kids to stay where they were. She opened the door and pushed a button. In a few moments, Barry appeared. “Go get Janet or…..” she said, as she paused because she didn’t know what to say to Barry.
He came over to me patiently. He kneeled down beside me. He put his hand on my shoulder, to try and help me calm down. “Whats up babe?” he asked me softly.
I just kept crying. I couldn’t speak but I also was afraid of what words would come out of my mouth if I spoke.
Barry looked at Marj. “We need to talk” he said to her. “Why?” she asked. “Don’t play games. You know why” he said. Then he turned to Cindy, Ben, Daniel, Oliver, Esther and Emine. “I am going to take Stacey out of here for today and then she might be back for this afternoon`s session. Bye kids” he said and he looked at me. “Come on honey. Lets get out of here for awhile” Barry said to me. I didn’t move.
There was a knock on the door and then I saw that James came in. He took one look at Marj and then he came over to me. “Thanks mate” he said to Barry. “But I can handle her from here” he said. Barry nodded and then went back out of the room.
“Come on Stacey, lets go somewhere to talk” James said quietly me to me. I nodded, as tears rolled down my cheeks.
I slowly got up and then started heading to the door with James. Marj cleared her throat. “Doctor, why are you taking her away from the Group counseling?” she asked James. James looked at Marj. “Simple. She is yet not fit emotionally to talk in Group. Now if you mind, we will be leaving” he said to her and then we walked out slowly together into the halls and beyond.
James ushered me into an office. He closed the door as I saw that Janet was sitting behind one of the desks. “Hello sweetie” she said to me kindly.
I ran up and hugged her tightly. Tears streamed down my face. ‘I HATE IT HERE! I WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU!” I wailed in tears.
Janet looked at me. “Calm down sweetheart. Why do you want to go home?” she asked me gently. In between sobs I answered her. “I want to be with Josh…… friends and I don’t want to be here in hospital anymore!” I screamed and then just cried hysterically.
Janet looked at James slowly. Janet helped me sit up straight. She gave me tissues. “Stacey, you know that you cant go home, you have to stay here and keep getting better” she told me. “How come?” I yelled. “No one comes into see me because I am in a ****ing physch hospital” I yelled at her.
“We know this honey” Janet said to me, as she came over to me and sat down next to me. “There is a reason honey but I don’t know if you will believe us or not babe” she said.
Janet got up from where she was sitting and she hugged me close to her. “Come on Stacey, I think that it is time we started your counseling session” she said to me.
I didn’t move. I just froze. James got up and he pressed play on the recording tape, then he sat back down, next to me.
Janet started with the questions, like a normal counselor does. I just felt small and I wanted to hide away.
“How are you feeling today Stacey?” she asked.
No answer.
She tried again. “What do you want to achieve in being in here?”
That got me going. I fired up at her. “How the **** should I know? You and everyone put me in here. I ****ing cant believe Josh, that he agreed……………….” I trailed off and then I burst into tears, sobbing noisily.
No one spoke for a few minutes. I couldn’t stop crying.
There was no movement for awhile. Then Janet spoke to me.
“Would you like Josh to come and visit you today?” she asked me gently.
I nodded, and hiccupped.
James got up. “I will try and ring him now and then I will get back to you babe” he said, as he kissed me on the forehead and then he went out of the room.
I sighed silently.
“Why am I in here?” I whispered to Janet.
“You are in here because of your Depression and self harming behaviors” she said to me silently.
I cried silently. “ Then that means I got myself into ****ing hospital!” I screamed and then broke down crying again.
Janet came over to me and kneeled down beside me.
“No of course you didn’t sweetheart. No one is here to be blamed, we just want to help you get better” she said to me.
I couldn’t help it. I let my tears flow down me.
“WHY HAVENT MY PARENTS COME TO SEE ME YET?” I screamed and then went hysterical.
Janet got up and looked at me. Then she got her radio out. She looked back at me. I was digging into myself with my finger nails and then found my blade and cut myself everywhere that I possibly could get to quickly.
Janet let go off her radio and flung herself on me. “No Stacey, let go” she said to me. I didn’t reply. “Everything is my own ****ing fault!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I cut my arms, wrist and tried to slash at my throat. I didn’t get there, because the door flung open and Barry was there. He flung himself onto me, which made me let go of my razor blade.
I screamed and cried as James picked up my blade. “Give that back to me! Its ****ing mine!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
James opened the door. Barry wouldn’t let go of me. “Let ****ing go of me!” I yelled and screamed at Barry, but he didn’t budge.
I was still hysterical as I saw Josh standing there with Liz as I got taken back into the psychiatric wards. I cried and yelled at Josh. “Help me Josh. You cant let them take me!” I screamed and cried and yelled as Janet stayed with Josh and Liz and I lost sight of them as I got taken somewhere.
“WHY THE **** CANT I SEE JOSH AND LIZ?” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
James appeared at my side. “Sweetheart you cannot see them until you have calmed down and that we know for you own safety, that you wont try and escape” he said to my softly.
I howled with tears and anger and sadness.
James unlocked a door, and Barry nudged me into the room and then he let go of me. I fell to the floor, as I screamed and cried my lungs out.
James and Barry left the room, as I heard a key turning in my lock. I ran to the door and tried to barge it open. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I wailed.
Then I saw a glimpse of Josh. He looked at me through the opening of the glass piece in the door.
I cried as I saw him.
He pushed a button on the outside of the door.
“Calm down Stacey, you are sick. I will be here when you calm down and then you will be allowed back out” he said to me softly.
I pressed my button shakily. “I love you” I stammered out.
He smiled and said it back to me and then he went off with Liz.
I cried and cried. I just broke down on the floor and stayed there as the hours passed.
Finally someone opened my door. I got fast, though I felt weak from crying so much. It was James, wearing a doctors white coat.
“Hello Stacey” he said to me.
I turned away. I hated him at the moment for putting me in here.
He took a step back. “I know that you might hate me and Janet right now, for the decision of putting you in here, a proper sercurity psychiatric ward. We needed to, we thought that you needed somewhere that you could be by yourself for awhile, and that in here you could scream, cry, yell and bang the walls if you wanted to, because its all padded. We thought that it would be better for you to be away from the other kids, because we know that you have a lot of things to think about and sort out, in any way that you want to, and we thought that being away from other kids might help this” he said to me. “ I wont lie to you Stacey. You have severe depression and anxiety. You are also highly suicidal. We confirmed that when you lashed out on yourself today” he said. I looked down at myself and saw that my arms and wrist were bandaged; and that my neck had stiches in it. That was in bandages to.
“We are doing this for your own safety. Janet nor I don’t like having to treat you this way, but that is what it has come down to” James said to me.
“When can I see Josh?” I asked, whimpering.
“You can see him now, but, at the moment, there will be glass in between you and him and there will be no physical contact” James said, as he ushered me out of the room.
I walked through white halls that didn’t seem to have any color on them and it looked very bland, just all of the walls being white.
I followed James silently through the corridors, not knowing what to say. “In here Stace” he said to me, as he opened a door and went inside, I followed him, because I was scared if I rebelled I would be in serious trouble.
“Sit” he said to me and I sat down in a small booth thing. “I will be in another small room. I can hear what you are saying”he warned me.
I nodded and then after James went out of the room, the screen lifted and I saw that Josh and Liz were sitting on the other end.
“Hey sweatie” Josh said to me.
“Hi” I said.
“Are you ok?” Liz asked me.
“I don’t know” I paused. “I have missed you both”
“We have missed you to Stacey” they both said together.
A tear trickled down my cheek. “I feel awful” I blurted out.
“Oh babes. That isn’t good. Just remember, Angel, that you are here to get better, they are only here to help you, not hurt you” he said to me.
Silence fell.
I had mixed emotions. Hatred . Anger. Lonely . Embarrassment. Depressed .
I didn’t feel like talking. I just really wanted to hide.
I ran for the door and banged on it furiously. “Get me out of here! Out of this ****ing hospital!” I screamed.
Barry opened the door, I fell onto him, then he held onto me as James, who was in the other room, pressed the button so that Josh couldn’t see what was going on.
I couldn’t stop crying. I hated myself so much.
I saw that Janet was opening the door to come in and see me. I hated people seeing me in such a mess like this.
I cried hysterically.
“I HATE MY LIFE, WHY CANT I JUST DIE?” I screamed.
Janet came over to me. “Come on babe. Lets go and get you to bed” she said to me.
“Why?” I asked, feeling confused.
“Cause sweatie. It will be the safest place for you at the moment”
“ **** off, I don’t want to go back there” I screamed, as James and Barry helped carry me, kicking and screaming to my room.
Why the hell did they have to put me in this thing? Doesn’t anyone understand my pain? Im a frigin prisoner that is in this thing. Why is this happening to me damn it! I hate it here, I hate myself.
Time passed then I fell asleep for awhile.
I woke up suddenly. Not wanting to sleep anymore. My head seemed so cluttered with thoughts, feelings and I just felt really depressed. I got off the bed and then I just stood there, near the sink. There was a very small mirror, which I looked at myself in. I was looking horrid. My hair was a mess, like anything and the pjs that I had on were all crinkly.
I sighed. Then I sat down on my bed, as a nurse unlocked the door and she came in with a tray and my medications.
“Morning Stacey” she said to me.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t feel like talking to her.
“Here is your breakfast and your tablets. Here is a glass of water for you to take your medication with because I have to supervise you when you take them” she said to me.
“Why the **** why?” I screamed at her.
“Doctors orders” was all she said.
That got me fired up. “Im ****ing sick of doctors telling me what the **** to do and not to do” I screamed and then with rage I knocked the breakfast tray off the table and then I knocked the glass and tablets out of the nurses hands.
Barry was trying to open the door as quick as possible.
I grabbed a piece of glass from where the glass had shattered to pieces. I ripped my bandages off and then I cut deeper and deeper into my wrist.
Blood was on me everywhere. I froze in fright, as I saw fat in my cut, that I must have cut deep for that to happen. I couldn’t do anything except look at my wrist that was pouring out with blood.
Barry barged in then I went for cover under my desk as I started shaking and freaking out.
I was huddled into the corner where I didn’t want anyone to see me like this.
Barry pressed a button and then he told the nurse to leave. She ran for her life. I wanted to block everything out. I was scared for my life and for myself. I was slowly falling apart. Becoming a different girl then what I used to be. My life had changed so much but to this? I don’t know, something that I couldn’t answer at the moment even if I wanted to.
Barry came closer, as he looked at the blood that was on the floor and then shattered glass, that was everywhere.
He sighed, he turned his head so he wasn’t looking at me and then he spoke.
“I`ll have to tell them. You know that its just one press of the emergency button, that everyone will be here in seconds honey. Is that what you want?” he asked.
I broke down and cried my heart out.
I was shaking furiously because I was freaked out.
What would everyone say about me?
I looked down at my wrist. Blood was everywhere.
Barry pulled out his radio. “Im really sorry for this Stacey but its for your own safety” he said to me.
“Urgent. Room 133. Psychiatric ward. Janet come in” he said.
There was a crackling noise. Then I heard Janet voice which made me cave even more into myself.
“ Yes Barry? I’m here. I am on my way to the ward”
“Good. Bring the doctors. This is a 44 as we didn’t want” he said.
“On my way” she said and then she broke out of signal.
I cried and cried. Tears flowed down everywhere.
Then there was men at the door, in more white coats.
“She is in here, but wait for-“
“Wait for us?” Janet said.
I backed up into a corner. Swearing my head off, wishing that I was dead.
“Get the **** away from me!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“We cant do that now Stacey. Im sorry, we are” Janet turned away and stepped back as James and the other men came forward.
James produced a needle.
I screamed at the look of the needle. “Whats going on?” I screamed as I broke into tears.
James came closer to me, as much as I pleaded with him not too.
I started kicking furiously and screaming at everyone.
“Im sorry” James said to me. He looked at the others. Then he gave them what they needed to hear. “Hold her down”
The words were ringing in my ears as I screamed,kicked and swore at everyone in the room.
The men held me down as I cringed as I felt the needle go into my arm.
Few minutes went passed, where everyone in the room was just looking at me. I felt groggy. But numbly relaxed, even though I was so angry. I couldn’t do anything to fight it.
I looked at Janet. She was holding something that was white. I went to scream but nothing came out.
The men continued to hold me down.
Then as the finished putting the jacket on me, they let me go.
I slumped to the floor.
James sighed. “Take her to 215” he said and then he and Janet walked out of the room as the men went to pick me up and carry me.
“Where am I?” I asked, feeling really funny.
“You’re my big strong men coming to rescue me from those mean people” I coed.
“Yes, that’s right. We are taking you somewhere safe” one of them said back.
I fell asleep while the men were carrying me.
I opened my eyes slowly, as I heard noise coming from outside and I didn’t want to stir, because I wanted to try and listen to the conversation from outside the bedroom door.
“ I don’t know what to do anymore” someone said.
“ Janet, I would like to see you in the morning, with her to see if we can put her in more intense counseling, because we all know what is going to happen maybe, if we don’t have a serious talk with her” another person said.
“ I know Greg. I know. Maybe we can have a talk with her in a few days, depending on how she is feeling. I hope that you do realize that she is going through a hell of a lot and she doesn’t know who she can trust to talk about the things that are going on in her head at the moment” Janet said to Greg.
“Very true Janet. Now go and see if she is awake yet, I will talk to you more in the morning and I may come and see her myself” Greg said to Janet.
I heard footsteps walking away from the door.
I pretended to lay down, as Janet slowly opened the door, to see if I was awake or not.
I felt sluggish as Janet came over to the bed. She looked at me and then she came closer and sat down on a chair near the bed that I was in.
I didn’t dare look her in the eyes. I was feeling heaps of emotions, from anger, self hatred, guilt, annoyance, cravings to self harm and just wanting to break free from myself, because I felt like I was my own prisoner.
I just kept looking down, to the bed sheets because I didn’t want to talk about anything and I was feeling crappy and drowsy because of the medication that they put me on.
I rolled over in the bed because I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to talk anyone at all.
“Give me a buzz if you want anything sweetheart” she said to me as she got up and then she went out of the room that I was in.
I sighed, as I felt tears trickle down my cheeks. I was feeling so ashamed of what happened and just so guilty.
Updated from here onwards
I felt so confused and sick with myself. I let the tears flow out of me. I cried and cried, time didn’t seem to move at all.
Later……..
My pillow was soaked with tears. My wrist was hurting. I felt scared and didn’t know what to do. I looked over at the table that was near my bed. My diary and a pen were sitting on the table, next to the lamp.
I got the pen and the diary and lent them on the table that you eat meals off when you are in hospital. This is what I wrote:
Dear Janet,
I am sorry for the pain that I have caused you and your family. I don’t know what is wrong with me and I feel yucky and that im all alone in hospital. My parents hate me, my friends think im a psycho patient, and ****, I don’t want to know what the night staff and Barry think of me. I bet that they hate me cause I am so depressed and moody. I feel lost and alone. I feel ****ed up in the head that I am in a psych hospital or ward. What did I do to deserve this? Yeah I know that I am a bitch for whining, but I don’t feel to good, really low. Im scared that I will be here for ages. Oh, I cant write anymore, I am starting to cry.
Stacey.
Later that night, after I came back into this hospital room, from going to the toilet, there was a note on my pillow from Janet and James. It said:
Dear Stacey,
Sweetie, you HAVE NOT caused us any pain, not even the girls. We all love you and care about you and we know, and Charlotte understands that you are not well and that’s why you are in hospital. She doesn’t love you any less, neither do we babe. You will always be special to us, always. You couldn’t make us hate you or even not love you, understood?
We wont discuss your parents at this point, we are your guardians now, Ok? What your friends think of you, matters yes, but not as much as family. Josh and Liz send their love, and they have told us to tell you that they will see you maybe tomorrow. They miss you being around, we told them what you have been going through and they have told us to tell you this: don’t beat yourself up, this is not your fault. We love you and always will. You know where the phone is! See? They don’t think any different of you babe.
Barry and the night staff that look after you, understand and sympathesise with what you are going through and that they know that you are going rough a very rough time at the moment. So you don’t have to feel guilty about anything Stace. You being in here means something good. That you are going to get the help that you deserve, we know that you don’t like being in here, but babe it is for your own good and safety. You have nothing to be blamed for sugar. This just happened, that is how depression works. Cheer up, everyone here loves and care about you as a person Stacey.
Lots of love,
James and Janet.
Tears came to my eyes. Then there was a knock on my door. I sniffed and then looked up at the door. There stood Josh and Janet. Josh was holding a teddy bear, flowers and some other things. I put my arms out and hugged him as he came closer to the bed.
“Hey gorgeous” he said to me softly. I smiled and hugged him back and wouldn’t want to let go.
Josh sat at the end of the bed. Janet looked at me and smiled. “I will be back in half an hour to see how everything is going. No nurses will disturb you” she said to us and then she went out and closed the door behind her.
I looked at Josh with tears in my eyes. We hugged even more and he kissed me softly on the lips. I sighed.
“ Im sorry” I whispered to him.
“You have nothing to apologise for. I understand and know what it is like to go through a rough time, remember?” he said to me as he kissed my forehead.
I nodded and hiccupped.
“I know that this is the best place for me to be at the moment, but I am so scared and panicky about me being here. I don’t even know how long I am going to be in here!” I yelled and then broke down crying, bashing my hands against Josh`s belly while he held me close.
“Ssh. Its going to be ok. I don’t care how long you are in here for, I just want you to get better babe. I`ll try and visit you after work on Fridays and come and see you in the evenings of the rest of the week and come and spend time with you on the weekend” he said to me as he kissed me softly on the lips. I returned the kiss and just let Josh hold me.
The time passed. Josh got up. He bent over and kissed and cuddled me. “I think its time for me to go Stacey. Dr. James said to me on the way in that he wants to see you for maybe an hour or more” Josh said. I sighed and said goodbye to Josh.
Once he left the room, it was very empty. I could hear my own thoughts and that was annoying and depressing me.
I got out of bed, brang the trolley over to my side of the bed, that I was hooked up to, and then I opened the door and went for a small walk.
I walked down the main hall of the adolescent ward and saw that teenagers were there with their doctors having counseling and getting fixed up with their medication and the like.
I walked down to the Dayroom, which was passed where the hospital section rooms for the sick (me) who were a patient at the adolescent ward.
I opened the door and saw that Cindy and Ben were playing the PS2, Oliver, Daniel and Emine were doing schoolwork and I saw that Esther was busy reading a book.
They all looked up from what they were doing when they saw me enter. They all rushed to me and hugged me. “I thought that you weren’t allowed out of bed!” Cindy exclaimed. “I dunno” I said to her. “Stace, its so good to see you, we all would have came and visited you but our doctors said not to, that you had enough to deal with” the boys said to me. I smiled and nodded. I didn’t know what to say in response to that.
“I don’t think I should be here. Don’t want to get us all into trouble guys-“
“You devil of a young lady!” a voice said from behind me. Everyone froze because we all thought that we would be in major trouble. Barry laughed. “Kidding hun. Its just me, Barry” he said as he turned to us and shut the door again. I sighed.
“Oh! I thought that it was one of the doctors or Janet and that I would get into trouble” I confessed to Barry.
He laughed, kindly. “Don’t worry about it. You wont get into trouble, except that it is now late and that everyone should be getting ready for bed, including you, young lady” he said in my direction. “Come on, say goodnight to everyone Stacey, you will see them, maybe tomorrow, but you aren’t well enough yet to go back to classes with them” he said to me. I nodded, said goodbye to everyone and walked out with Barry. “I will be back so you all better get ready for bed!” he said to the kids.
I walked back with Barry back to where I was staying in the hospital and climbed back into bed.
“Good girl, here is your medication” he said to me. I groaned and took it anyway because I knew that I had to and had no choice in the matter at hand.
“Janet will be in soon to see you. Goodnight Stacey, im here if you need me” he said to me and then he closed the door and went outside.
I tried to get cozy in the bed but it wouldn’t work. So annoyed and a little tired, I tried to get some sleep.
Janet came into my room, after ten minutes of Barry leaving. She came and sat on the end of the bed, after closing the door.
“Hi hunny. How are you feeling tonight?” she asked. I rolled my eyes because it was a normal question that they asked here.
“Hm, I don’t know. Depressed because I feel so alone, but even with seeing the others, it still felt to me like I don’t fit in anywhere” I said to Janet.
“Yes, Barry did tell me that you went to visit them and im ok with that. So you don’t have to worry about me getting angry with you honey” she said to me softly.
I nodded. “Im not worried. Im just scared and depressed and that I feel like crying and its like I don’t even know why!” I said to Janet.
I couldn’t stop myself. I busted into tears and couldn’t stop crying.
Janet came closer to me and then she hugged me close.
“It will be ok” she said to me. She ran her fingers through my hair and then Janet cuddled me again because I hadn’t stopped crying.
“How do you feel babe?” Janet asked me softly.
I choked and it took me a few minutes to catch my breath again.
“Not to good. Im glad that I could see the others, but being in here just depresses me” I said to Janet.
She hugged me shoulders. “I know how you feel sweatie, but I promise you that in the long run this will get better for you” she said to me.
I lent on her as I snuggled into my sheets and then I don’t remember what happened because I fell asleep quickly.
The Dream that Stacey has :
I walk alone in the house. Pad pad pad. Is the sound that my bare feet make across the floor boards. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I sipped my water as I heard a noise. I thought I heard someone crying softly. I carried my glass with me as I went to see who was crying. It was my mother, she saw me and flung her hands at me. “Stacey get out!” she whispered loudly to me. I didn’t move. I was frozen in fear of the state that my mother was in.
Everything goes black. Im huddled in a corner of my bedroom, were cuts and bruises are hurting me. They are all over my body. Im rocking back and forth, crying. I look down at my wrist and then I tear my eyes away. Im hating myself. I keep on crying silently….. then my stepdad finds me and starts hitting me….. ive Oded so I cant feel any pain….not yet anyways……
I wake up swetting. I feel cold and clammy. Im breathing heavily. I cant go back to sleep. No one can make me go back to sleep. Its worse now, they are coming at me from the inside, not screaming at me from the outside anymore. The voices are worse now. I don’t remember what happened next. I was upset. I think I climbed out of bed, ran to my door and opened it. Someone tried to speak to me. I didn’t hear what that person was saying. I kept fighting forward to get out of his grip but it didn’t work. I cried like a baby as I slid down to the floor and huddled myself into a corner, hysterical and crying. Tears were everywhere around me. I started shaking furiously. I heard voices. “Stacey?” I heard a voice say. “No no no!” I screamed out at myself, delirious. “Come on, lets get her back in bed” I heard someone say. “**** no! Leave me the **** alone. I ****ing hate you!” I screamed. I heard muffled voices. I felt funny and something felt like it was stinging me. Then I just collapsed into sleep.
I woke up. I squinted my eyes because my room was bright with light. I heard someone get up. “I`ll shut these for you” a female voice said, Then the room wasn’t as bright anymore.
I sighed, feeling dozy and a big groggy. My left arm stung like anything. Maybe a needle. “Good morning Stacey. It was a rough night that you had” she said to me. Then I remembered: The Dream. I remembered it and then I remembered what happened in my daze that I was in. I cried and cried like there was no tomorrow, I felt so ashamed of what had happened, why hadn’t I been able to control myself? I had always controlled myself before….. but before, I was living it, they hadn’t been coming from the inside at me like they were last night. I cried and cried.
I don’t know when I stopped crying, but the nurse ended up leaving and then Janet,Barry and James came in to see me. I tried to hide under the blankets but I couldn’t. Not this time.
“Morning Stacey” they greeted me softly. I looked away, I couldn’t bear to look at them after what I had caused last night,
“How are you feeling?” Janet asked me. No answer. “You are quite strong Stacey, my girl. You were lucky that it was me and not anyone else or they might have panicked and let you do damage to yourself, if you had succeeded in running off” Barry said to me. I cried and sobbed. “Im sorry” I whispered as I balled into tears. Barry rubbed me on the back. “No need to apologise babe” he said to me calmly. “So Stacey, how are you holding up after last night?” James asked me. I looked down at my hands. Then a tear rolled down my cheek. “****ing awful” I whispered to the adults.
There was an awkward silence where the adults must have been thinking and I just silently cried.
Time passed, I don’t know. I wasn’t aware of time because there wasn’t a clock anywhere in this room and I felt confused and slightly depressed because I didn’t know if I could say the right thing or not. Didn’t feel like talking, which is something that I thought that would never happen but it does for me and its like no one can tell me what to do or what not to ****ing do.
I don’t remember anything happening, after the thousand thought that had gone through my head, I must have fallen asleep.
In the morning I stirred. “****” I exclaimed because I didn’t feel like being in here anymore. I didn’t know what the ****ing point was or why I was here. I was depressed, angry and questioning most things that are in my life. I felt so much tension in myself, physically. I couldn’t control myself. With a fit of rage, I jumped out of bed and slammed myself into the bedroom door. It flung open and I just ran for it, down the halls of the hospital and then in and out of the doors. I saw a sign Nurses Station and I ran in there.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : could cause people to self harm
It was all white and there were medical supplies around the whole room. I found the keys in a few minutes to the cupboard and I opened it and then rummaged through everything to find what I was looking for: a tool. I found one that I was satisfied with it after testing it. I sighed a sigh of relief and then ran out of the room before anyone could catch me.
I ran to the closet as I heard someone coming. A person walked passed the closet and then I went and sat down on the floor of the closet and then I lifted the blade up and ran it across my wrist many of times, so that I could feel the relief and the pleasure that it gave me.
Blood poured out. I had cut myself very deep, more then what I had before. I couldn’t stop, I kept slitting my wrist and then all of a sudden I fainted with the amount of blood that I was seeing.
]
I woke up. I squinted my eyes because my room was bright with light. I heard someone get up. “I`ll shut these for you” a female voice said, Then the room wasn’t as bright anymore.
I sighed, feeling dozy and a big groggy. My left arm stung like anything. Maybe a needle. “Good morning Stacey. It was a rough night that you had” she said to me. Then I remembered: The Dream. I remembered it and then I remembered what happened in my daze that I was in. I cried and cried like there was no tomorrow, I felt so ashamed of what had happened, why hadn’t I been able to control myself? I had always controlled myself before….. but before, I was living it, they hadn’t been coming from the inside at me like they were last night. I cried and cried.
I don’t know when I stopped crying, but the nurse ended up leaving and then Janet,Barry and James came in to see me. I tried to hide under the blankets but I couldn’t. Not this time.
“Morning Stacey” they greeted me softly. I looked away, I couldn’t bear to look at them after what I had caused last night,
“How are you feeling?” Janet asked me.
No answer.
“You are quite strong Stacey, my girl. You were lucky that it was me and not anyone else or they might have panicked and let you do damage to yourself, if you had succeeded in running off” Barry said to me.
I cried and sobbed. “Im sorry” I whispered as I balled into tears.
Barry rubbed me on the back.
“No need to apologise babe” he said to me calmly.
“So Stacey, how are you holding up after last night?” James asked me.
I looked down at my hands. Then a tear rolled down my cheek.
“****ing awful” I whispered to the adults.
There was an awkward silence where the adults must have been thinking and I just silently cried.
Time passed, I don’t know. I wasn’t aware of time because there wasn’t a clock anywhere in this room and I felt confused and slightly depressed because I didn’t know if I could say the right thing or not. Didn’t feel like talking, which is something that I thought that would never happen but it does for me and its like no one can tell me what to do or what not to ****ing do.
I don’t remember anything happening, after the thousand thought that had gone through my head, I must have fallen asleep.
I cut my wrist. Over and over. Smiling sadly at the blade. I keep going over and over that one spot on my wrist, just hoping I would go deeper, maybe deep enough to end all of his pain that I have been feeling. My wrist is covered with blood, the sensational colour of my pain that I have, how it always hurts me, how a lot of other people always want to hurt me. I always feel alone. So I always cut myself. Deeper and deeper. The blood was pouring out of my wrist and then the scene changed to somewhere else that I was. I was no longer in my bedroom. I was in the hospital. I screamed and screamed and no one heard me. No came. I kept on screaming as I tugged to get my hands free. No good. They were tied to something. I looked and saw why I couldn’t get my hands up. They were tied down. Tied down on the bed that I was lying on. I screamed harder and louder. I heard something in the room. I couldn’t stop being scared or crying. Then that is when I saw movement. I saw them clearer as they came closer. People in white coats. I kept on screaming. “Easy” I heard someone say. “This wont hurt abit” said another. Then I fell into the sucdated sleep that they had given me.
I opened my eyes. Tormented by my dreams that I was having when I was sleeping. I sighed and then I tried to get up. Nope. My hands seemed tied. Just like the ****ed up dream, I thought. I tried to get up but I couldn’t. “Ah! You`re awake Stacey” I heard someone address me. I blinked my eyes sleepily and tried to move. “You cant move sweatie” a deep mans voice said to me. “You`ve been having those nightmares again haven’t you Stacey? Those ones of a girl, that was in your parents house, trying to commit suicide haven’t you?” He asked me. I stayed quiet. I didn’t want to say anything. He tried again. “Why aren’t you answering me Stacey?” He asked me. I stayed quiet and didn’t utter a word. “Now now darling, be a good girl for the rest of the night, in the morning, some trainee doctors are going to come and observe you, so please be on your best behaviour” he said to me. I spat on the floor and then he shrugged and then went out of my room and shut the door behind him.
I woke later in the morning, feeling agitated and depressed. I heard my door being open by a guard and my doctor, Dr Johanson he came in to see me last night,came in with breakfast and my medication. “Morning Stacey, im glad to hear that you behaved yourself eventually last night, after waking up from being sedated. You know that if you co operate with us, you can be put in somewhere else, you know” he said to me. “**** that, you don’t ****ing believe me anyway!” I screamed to my doctor. I started to really get agitated and offensive towards my doctor. “How the **** should I ****ing trust you? You are the ones that ****ing don’t believe me!” I yelled angrily at my doctor. He came closer tp me. “ Calm down Stacey. Getting yourself worked up wont help you” He said to me patiently. “You always ****ing make out that im the bad guy!” I yelled to him, wanting to him physically, because my anger was overpowering me because I had held it in for so long. I started yanking my restraints from around my bed and I just wanted to break loose. “And here, ladies and gentleman, is Stacey Mgill with her doctor, Dr Johanson” I heard someone outside on my room say. Dr Johanson looked at me and I faked being calm, while the doctors passed my room and took notes on me.
After they left, my doctor turned towards me. “Now Stacey, all I am asking, is that you co operate with me” he said to me. “Bullshit, just so you can make me your star ****ing patient because I behave, why the **** would that help me?” I screamed at my doctor, then I lashed out and got out of my restraints and lashed onto my doctor. I kicked him and kept hitting him until security came and got me off him. “**** you asshole” I yelled, as I was being dragged back on the bed to have my restraints on me again. “You’re a ****ing piece of ****. I hate your ****ing guts!” I yelled out to my doctor as the gaurds were tightening my restraints on the bed.
Then the went out of my room talking in hushed voices maybe about me.
I kept calling my doctor names and I wouldn’t calm down.
I started crying tears of anger, hatred and sorrow and hating myself for being this way. Then I fell asleep because I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I don’t know what the **** is happening or why I feel this way. Its like they are ****ing treating me like a ****ing psycho and stuff though. **** I don’t know, I just hate all of this ****ed up life in hospital that I have to be in because I just feel like absolute **** at the ****ing moment. I was so angry, at my doctor, myself, the gaurds and at the reasons why they were keeping me here, in an isolated room. I don’t have the guts to ask anyone because its not like I have friends in here, why would you have friends, if you are really ****ed up in the head? I don’t ****ing understand it, I don’t. I hate it here.. I hate that ****ing bitch who is meant to my mother, who wanted me in here because I was to much at home for her to handle, do I have a problem if the main ambition in my life is to be dead? The doctors all think so. I don’t. I don’t know, I just wish that I could make sense of my ****ing life because it seems to make me so ****ing angry and ****ing hell, having the nightmares don’t ****ing help anything because that just makes me want to get a ****ing blade and cut myself really ****ing badly, though I know if I ****ing do, I will be in so much ****ing trouble. Nope. I don’t care if I get into trouble, but the problem or issue that I am faced with, is that they ****ing wont let me out of here and if they find out, ill get in more ****. Why cant I be like that bitch on Terminator three who escapes from the physch ward and threteans to kill the main doctor that she really ****ing hates? I wish that at times real ****ing life could be like a lot of movies hey?
“I hate you. You ****ing asshole!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
to be continued...... A lot of time passed, I think I ended up falling asleep, because I was so depressed and bored, not a ****ing good mix at all though. Everything was fuzzy. I didn’t know where I was. Had they moved me again? Yes. They would have had to. I cried out and tried to move, but nothing would work. It was like I was tied down or something. I tugged at my restraints. “You ****ing assholes! Why the **** did you do this to me?” I screamed out, at the top of my lungs. I was confused, thoughts were running through my head. I caused this myself. I bought this on myself. I cant stop cutting, I really ****ing cant. Why me? Why is this all of my fault?! I never did anything right, in my whole ****ed up entire life. Cutting was on the brain. The sweet, harmless tendencies from it. No one knew how it ****ing made me feel.
I sighed, as I tried to turn over. Nope, that wouldn’t work, the bastard has tied me down again. What is there point of doing this to me? Didn’t they understand how I ****ing felt?
My head was spinning. I felt the vomit come up in my throat. I tried to lean over the side of the bed, but it was really difficult because the rails were up. “Blurp”. To late. I had already been sick, all on myself and on the bed sheets. Atleast I would be able to get out of bed for awhile, I thought to myself. I pressed the button that calls the nurse.
Didn’t have to wait, just a few seconds. “Yeah darl?” she asked me. “Oh sweetheart” she said to me when she saw the mess. “Stay here while I go and get a wheelchair” she said softly.
Why the **** would I need a wheelchair? I thought to myself. Must be hospital procedure, or they must just think that im a crazy bitch.
The nurse came back, with James and Janet. They were both in uniform. “Come on Stacey, lets get you out of bed, so we can clean you up” she said to me softly.
Janet and James got me out of the bed and put me in a wheelchair. James looked at Janet, while I watched the both of them. “Go and take her to the Dayroom. She can have some company” Janet told James.
James wheeled me, aswell as making sure that I was holding onto the drip, that I was connected to.
I held my nightgown down and as we got to the Dayroom, I started panicking. James noticed this. “Its ok Stacey. You are in the best of care” he said to me softly. I nodded, as I cried silently.
We went into the Day Room and I saw that Esther, Emine,Daniel, Oliver, Cindy and Ben were all there, just sitting around looking bored. I sighed as James pushed me into the corner, where the tv set was. “Be good. A guard is outside and a nurse will come and check on you every ten minutes. Janet or I will come and get you at a later time. Be good honey” he said to me silently. I nodded and watched as James went out of the room.
Cindy and the other kids looked at me. Cindy got up and came over to me. “So, how come you are in a wheelchair? Cant you ****ing walk for yourself?” she asked me. “Its cause she is connected to a drip and she may have lost to much blood” Esther said to Cindy. “Oh. So she was a being a naughty bitch like the rest of you then, but she went deeper?” “No I didn’t” I said shakily to Cindy. “I had nightmares. Lashed out on myself, I didn’t know that they were coming” I said. “Sure, whatever you want us to believe bitch. You must be sick to be in a different ward then us Mgill” Cindy said, angrily to me. I fumed. The emotions had been built up for to long. I lashed out at Cindy. Moving my body forward and causing my drip to come undone, aswell as being able to grab onto Cindy and falling out of the wheelchair.
Cindy and I rolled around on the floor, bitching,swearing and going for eachothers scars,cuts,hair anything that we could grab onto. We were screaming at each others lungs, when two nurses, two guards and both Barry and James ran into the scene. “Kids get back!” Barry yelled at all of the kids, as they were watching on, eagerly.
Barry got a hold of Cindy and James and the other gaurds got ahold of me and pulled me back up into the wheelchair. “I ****ing don’t need that!” I cried out. “Shut it young lady” James said to me. James and Barry looked from me to Cindy and then back to me. James shook his head and let the other guards go back to whatever they were doing.
James looked annoyed,stern even. Something that still frightens me about him. “ Girls…. You did the wrong thing….both of you….” He said to both of us.
“I hate you mole. Faker” Cindy yelled at me. “I am not a faker!” I cried out back at her. James whistled. “Quite it. The both of you” he said to both of us in the same tone. “ Both of you. Are to be punished. Neither of you are allowed to be left unsupervised anywhere-“ “**** you bitch now I cant get away with anything” Cindy cried out. “-because you cannot simply be left alone for long periods of time together”. He turned to Cindy. “What are you talking about ? If I find you doing anything that you shouldn’t be doing, you will be in trouble. Now go to your room and think about what you have done” James told Cindy. She muttered something under her breath but I didn’t hear it. Maybe it was better that I didn’t. James looked back at me. He shook his head. “Stacey. I told you to behave. You are already in trouble for self harming whilst being in hospital, now fighting with other patients!” he said to me. I hung my head. James kept on talking to me. “Do you want to be sectioned even more then what you already are because of this?” he said to me, annoyed. I started crying. “I am not having a go at you Stacey, I just have to discipline you, which I don’t like doing, but if I have to, and if that is the only way for me to get the message across to you, so be it, I will continue to do this until you learn honey. Is that understood?” he asked me. I wiped tears from my eyes. “Yes James” I said to him silently.
We got back to my room. Janet was there and she helped James lift me onto the bed and tuck me in. “You need some sleep honey” Janet said to me, as she stroked my hair, softly. “Im not tired!” I whined. James looked at me. “That is why we are giving you this” he produced a needle. “No ****ing way!” I screamed hysterically. “Yes hon. It’s the easiest way for you to get to sleep and you need sleep, you are beside yourself hon. You didn’t get any sleep last night, so you are sleep deprived. This needle is the easiest way babe. You are tired, so that means you are not even thinking straight and you need to think straight when we start your therapy again” James and Janet both said to me. “Its unfair” I whinnied. “We know it is hon” she said as she stroked my hair. “Im here. I am not going anywhere. If you want me beside your bed until morning, I shall stay with you” she said to me. “Please?” I asked in a very small voice because I was scared as having to go into a very deep sleep. “Of course, I am right here and wont be moving until you wake up in the morning, or whenever you wake up” she said to me softly, as I heard James preparing the needle. I whimpered, as Janet squeezed my hand. I shivered as James whipped a cloth along the skin in my arm. I automatically tensed up. “Quiet hon. Relax. Everything is going to be ok” James said to me. I tried to relax. “Good girl. Good night for now honey” he said to me, as I felt him push the needle into my arm.
My eyes got heavy. I felt so tired. I started to cry. Janet squeezed my hand. “I am still here sweetheart” she said to me. “th-“ I couldn’t get the rest of the words out because I had fallen asleep on my pillows.
“****ing get off me! I hate you! You bastard! Why did you ****ing do this to me?” I screamed at the top of my lungs, which made me jolt into a sitting position. “****” I swore, as pain jolted into my arm where the needle had been. “Take it easy Stace. Slowly lie back down for me” Janet softly said to me. “No” I whimpered. “Please hun. I need to put you back to sleep” she said. “**** no, no no no!” I cried out.
I couldn’t stop shaking. I was in too much pain.
“Please. Lay back down for me. I wont give you the needle just yet, lets just talk” Janet said softly. I nodded. “Am I sick enough to not be with the others?” “Aw hon. I don’t like to answer this, but I know that I will have to tell you the truth eventually, so now is better then anytime after now. Yes. You are sicker then the other children in this physch ward. That is why you are not with them. We are still trying to help you babe. You need to understand that the things that Barry, James or I have to do to you, is out of love, not hate, for you” she said to me. I nodded slowly. “Why cant I see the girls or anyone?” “Because, we don’t want you to act towards them like you acted towards Cindy. Its for their safety and for yours” she said to me.
I started crying hysterically. I curled up in a ball and hid my face. I started rocking back and forth and then I just snapped. I started pulling the tubes out of myself, aswell as pulling off my dressings. Janet yelled for help. Men came in and tried to hold me down. “She is very strong” I heard Barry say. Couldn’t care.
“Quiet Stacey, my girl. Its all going to be better in a few minutes” James said.
updated from here
I stirred. It was daytime. I didn’t feel to good. Then I spewed into the bucket that was next to me, in bed. I was sick a few more times and then I tried to sit up in bed. I felt so groggy. I was sick again then someone came into my bedroom.
“Morning honey. You don’t have to get up just yet, but Dr Johansson wants to see you at some point. Here are your tablets” she handed them to me aswell as a glass of water. I swallowed them and then started coughing.
“How do you feel?” the nurse asked me. “How the **** do you think I feel?” I yelled at her. “Hey calm down Stacey!” James said to me.
I hung my head and didn’t say anything.
He looked at the nurse. “Thankyou for administrating the medication. I will take it from here” he told her, so she left the room and shut the door behind us.
I sighed and I didn’t say anything.
James propped himself on the foot of my bed. “Hon. You are very unwell. The way that you have been acting, is a sign of your illness. Not you as a person. This is not your fault. You are just very sick. No one is blaming you or being angry towards you, we all care about you, deeply hon. You haven’t been yourself with your life because at the moment, there is something that troubles you, very deeply, but I suspect that its not something that is easy for you to bring out or indentify, so that means we need to help you and we will, that is a promise to you Stacey” James said to me. I nodded.
There was a long pause where neither of us spoke,
“I feel ****ed in the head because of the way that I am feeling and I just wish that I knew how I could put that into words if that makes any sense” I said softly. “Hush. Calm yourself Stacey. No need to get angry-“ I interrupted him. “No need to get angry? You don’t know how much pain I am in at the moment. You don’t know how I am feeling, how don’t even know what is ****ing going through my head!” I yelled at James. James was shocked at what I had said. He didn’t respond for a few minutes. “I will go now. Leave you in some peace and quiet. Have a think about some things that you may want to tell either me or Janet” he said to me as he went out of the room and he shut the door.
You know you want to. So go do it. You have it. Just use it and then hide it so well again. It’s the pain and the blood that you want from it, to stop your suffering. Go on, do it.
I started crying silently. I slowly got out of bed, awkwardly and then I went to where it was hidden. I got it out and the silverness of it looked so tempting to the way that I was feeling right now. So small but so innocent. Im not ****ing innocent now, for sure. Flashes of my past came back: him hitting me, me getting bulied at school, me cutting myself in the hospital, the first time that I self harmed. The pain that I was feeling then and now the extreme pain that I am feeling now.
I shook those thoughts from my head. “**** it” I whispered. I held onto the blade tightly as I looked at my other wrist, the one that wasn’t already bandaged and that I had already screwed up.
Over and over. Again and again. I couldn’t stop. My wrist just looked so ****ing innocent and now that it wont be for much ****ing longer because I know that im not the innocent that I once was. People changed my path for me and now I was just fulfilling my own life, the way that others had molded it for me over the years.
I cried out silently in pain. I did not yell because I deserved this. After what everyone had done to me and for me, **** them.
I looked down at my wrist as I saw the river of blood coming from my wrist, just all over my arm, wrist and hand. The pain was getting severely intense. I kept going. Not uttering a word of how I felt. Going deeper and deeper, I peered at my cut up wrist. Blood was still going everywhere. I started shaking furiously, as thoughts of getting sectioned, thoughts of getting sedated, thoughts of letting people down, thoughts of Josh and Liz, thoughts of Charlotte and Jena, thoughts of my parents.
Vomit came to my throat at the sight of the blood aswell as the thoughts that were in my head.
I ran to the door. I banged violently on it. “let me out. LET ME ****ING OUT YOU ****ING BASTARD!” I yelled, as the door opened. I couldn’t look at who it was. I just piss bolted for the toilets and for my life. I didn’t dare look back, just in case that I was leaving a bloody trail. I knew I was as soon as I heard someone exclaim “****. What has she done? God I need to call Janet” was all heard because I was just running. Didn’t stop for anything.
“**** I see her now, thanks” was what I heard. I ran for my life.
I couldn’t see properly. My vision was blurry. My head was spinning. I needed to rest, but I couldn’t. I kept on running. Then all of a sudden I just collapsed.
I blinked my eyes open. My head was throbbing. Did I hit it?
Pain jolted my arm and mainly my wrist. I could hear voices.
“Put something in the IV drip to calm her when she wakes”
“Her blood preesure is dropping”
I coughed, cause it felt like there was something down my throat.
“James! She`s awake!” someone called out.
I heard rustling feet and movement come towards me.
I blacked out again.
Two hours later.
I opened my eyes, as I coughed. I felt like I was choking on something, down my throat.
“Hon. Hush, take it easy” a voice said to me.
I coughed and then the tears flowed at memory of what I had done.
“Hush babe. Its ok. You are safe. In bed. Let me take the drip out from your throat” he said to me.
I breathed in and out slowly once the tube was taken out. I moved my head onto a different position on the pillows.
I blinked. I was in a hospital room. A machine was beside me. The drip I suppose. I could see figures but I couldn’t make out who they were.
“Stacey, its James here. Beside your bed. I was the one that took the tube out of your mouth. No need to talk because you may still be in shock. Squeeze my hand if you can hear and understand what I am saying” he said to me.
I squeezed his hand. Then the events of my past flashed before my eyes.
I screamed out in emotional pain. “No. Go away! Leave me the **** alone! No get the **** away from me Mum!” I yelled.
“Stacey. Its James. Come on, beat this for me. Open your eyes again and look at me. You may feel like something is going to go into you now” he said.
My breathing slowed.
“I have given you something to calm you down and to help you come back out of the flashback that you just experienced” he said to me.
I started uncontrolabley crying.
“ I am so sorry John, I wont do it again. I will obey. I will be a good girl. You wont have to hit me again…… I know. To make you happy” I blurted out as I was hysterically crying.
Then I came back to reality.
“James!” I cried out.
I felt someone hold my hand.
“I am here, beside you. I haven’t moved”
“John. He is going to come soon”
“No he wont. I promise you that I will get Janet to call Julie Baker, the police woman that you have spoken to. No one will harm you” he said to me, as he stroked my hair.
“Im so ****ing deeply sorry. I am a bad girl. You need to punish me because of what I did to myself” I said.
I tried to lift my hands, but I couldn’t.
“Where are my hands?” I screamed out.
“Quiet babe its ok. When we found you, bleeding and the fact that you had passed out and saw the state of your wrist and arm, Janet,Barry, Julie Baker and myself, have to make a drastic decision, on your behalf to do with your safety, because you are extremely ill to make any wise decisions for yourself at the moment” he said to me.
It clicked. They had put me in a straight jacket.
“ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? NOW YOU HAVE ****ING GOTTEN WHAT YOU WANTED! TO CALL ME ****ING PHYSCHO. THAT IS ALL THAT YOU HAVE ****ING WANTED TO DO SINCE YOU FOUND ME. I HATE YOUR ****ING GUTS, YOU ARE NO BETTER THEN MY ****ING PARENTS! I yelled at the top of my lungs.
I tried to roll onto my side but I screamed out in pain because of how sore my arm was. I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see James.
“We are only trying to-“ James started saying, but I interrupted him. “GET OUT OF HERE! LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE!” I yelled at James.
I turned away so I didn’t have to see him or anyone else.
Then I just balled my eyes out because of how stupid,helpless, depressed and suicidal that I felt at the current stage.
I looked down at myself. My hand was tied up that I had lashed out onto. I streached my left hand, it was still bandaged, but I could move and use it.
I noticed on the table next to me there were pens and paper. I dragged the table on wheels over with my free hand and then I got back into bed and got a fresh piece of paper and started writing. This is what it said:
Janet,James and Barry, I don’t like myself at the moment, I am so ashamed of what I have done to myself and what I keep doing to myself. I feel myself, that I am going around in ****ing circles all of the time. I don’t want that anymore. Im scared of ****ing changing, I really am, but how will anyone keep on loving me when I am so ****ing destructive to myself at the moment? I cannot cope with this pain. It is way to ****ing much for me at the moment to deal with. Im terrified of letting it out. I think that it is time to let it out of me. I am scared that I wont be able to trust you because I am already in hospital and I don’t want them to section me again once I start talking. That is what I am afraid of the most. Im ****ing scared. I feel like a ****ed up bitch. I am scared of more pain. I am so deeply sorry
I put my pen down and then I looked away from the note. I couldn’t stop crying, there was already tear marks on the piece of paper that had been a fresh clean piece of paper beforehand.
I sighed as I signed the paper then I moved it away from myself. I pushed the table away from myself because my body was telling me that it wanted to sleep.
With my good hand, I pressed the button which calls a nurse in.
One came to me. “Hello Stacey, how are you feeling?” she asked me. “ Shitty. I need to sleep, but I cant, can you please see if you can arrange something for me please?” I asked her as nice as I could. “Depends what it is love” she said to me, with a sly smile. “Could you ask James if he could arrange the way that he has put me to sleep other nights, please?” I asked the nurse. “Yes of course darl. I will see what I can do” she said to me and then she was away.
I laid back on my pillows, as there was a knock on my door. “Come in” I called, wondering who would knock. “Hey babe” Josh and Liz said as they walked in to the room. They hugged me and then they sat down on a few chairs. “Janet told us what has been happening lately. Seems like you are having one hell of a rough time Stacey” Liz said to me. I sighed, not knowing what to say because I felt so guilty. “Im sorry” I said to both of them and they broke down crying.
“Hey baby. Don’t cry” Josh said to me. Liz and he got up and came round to hug me.
I sniffed. “Thankyou guys” I said to them.
Liz went into her bags that she was carrying.
“We have flowers from everyone, the BSC and some of your clients have sent cards,presents etc. We have bought you somethings down to keep you occupied” she said, as the pulled out stuffed toys, books and an MP3 player.
“They teddy and stuffed cat are presents from Karen and Andrew Brewer, the books are from both Mal and Jessi, from Mary Anne and Kristie you got another thick book to read and they all send their love, you got more flowers from Kristie`s brothers and the adults have all pitched in, to get you this” she pulled a very fat book out. “1000 jokes,funny sayings, humorous pranks aswell as this” she pulled out a journal, a pen, a nightgown and a pair of fuzzy slippers aswell as a purple dressing gown.
I hugged them both. “Please, tell everyone thankyou from me. I don’t have the strength to ring everyone at the moment” I said to josh and Liz.
“We have something for you aswell” Josh said to me as he pulled out a bag and handed it to me.
“Thankyou” I said to them as I opened the bag and then I squeled. In the bag was Angel, my puppy from home, aswell as a photo album. I lifted Angel out of the bag and held her as she licked me to death.
I laughed and cuddled her close to me. She was nice and soft to cuddle.
“How did you smuggle her in?” I whispered to them, as the door opened.
James came in. “Hello guys” he saw Angel. “Hello precious” he said to her, as she gave a small yelp as her tail wagged.
I looked from James to Josh and Liz.
“You knew about this didn’t you?” I asked, meaning Angel.
James laughed. “Yes I did. Josh and Liz wanted to bring something in that would cheer you up and I suggested Angel” he said, smiling.
“I want to give everyone a hug” I declared.
I gave everyone a massive group hug.
Everyone stepped back. James looked at Liz and Josh and then back to me.
Liz took that as a hint. “Do you need to see Stacey?” she asked James.
James looked at me. “Is it ok for them to know?” he asked me. I nodded, as I held Josh`s hand.
“As you both know, Stacey is very unwell. Can I tell them whats been happening ?” he asked me. Tears started to fill my eyes and run down my cheeks. Angel licked my tears away.
I nodded in response but could not say anything.
“Things have been tough for Stacey, as you already know. What you don’t know is, is how severe Stacey`s self harm has gotten recently, it has been so bad that we have had to isolate her from the normal adolescent ward. People in here, haven’t been treating her right and so Stacey lashes out on them, that is why you haven’t been allowed to come until today guys. She has now had to be tied down when she sleeps because she keeps self harming. After last nights incident though, we found the tool on her because the amount that she self harmed, she collapsed because of the amount of blood that she was seeing come from her own body out of her wrist and arm-“ “you ****ing asshole!” I screamed words out to James and kept on crying. “I ****ing hate you” I screamed and then I dissolved into tears.
“We have had to taken it off you Stacey, things have gotten way to bad” he said to me. I could utter a word, I just kept cuddling up to Angel and crying.
“As I was saying, we have had to take all things sharp from her, but she also gave us something, a note-“ he glanced my way as I was shaking my head. “Anyway, the thing I am trying to say is, is that over the last few nights she hasn’t been able to get to sleep like you and I can” he said to them. Liz and Josh nodded.
“Do you want us to go now?” they asked James.
James looked at me. My eyes were puffy because of lack of sleep and I was severely depressed and needed some sleep.
I mouthed “I feel ****ing awful. Would sleep help?” to James and then he nodded back to me. I nodded and sighed.
Gonna post more on ryl
James got up. “Josh,Liz. Stacey needs some sleep now, you are welcome to come back tomorrow if you want to see her” he said to them.
Josh got up from where he was sitting. “Why cant we wait until she goes to sleep and then leave?” he asked.
James was about to speak but I got there first. “James, I can handle telling them why they cannot stay” I said.
They both looked at me.
“I am not going to sleep normally. There is a needle that can be adminstared to me to put me to sleep for atleast-“ I looked at James.
“for a solid twenty fours if need be, depending the dosage. Stacey cannot go to sleep normally because she gets haunted by her past, whenever she goes to sleep or tries to. This way, it blocks out any nightmares or dreams, it is just a blank sleep that Stacey will get. No one can see Stacey receiving the needle, because of her fears-“ I bursted out into tears “- which I cannot discuss with you, even though you are family and her boyfriend. Unless Stacey wants to tell you, do not ask her please. If someone like you two, were watching, I would not be able to get Stacey calm enough to give her the needle” James finished.
Liz hugged me as I cried.
“If I stay, I can calm Stacey down for you” Josh said.
I swallowed. “No” I said firmly to Josh. “No you could not”
Tears ran down my face as I hid my face in James`s jacket.
James brushed my hair with his fingers to calm me.
“Please go, Stacey loves you and that is why she wants you to go back home” James said, as someone knocked on the door.
“Come in Janet!” James called to his wife.
Janet came in, not holding anything.
Janet looked at me and then looked at Josh and Liz.
“You can see how distressed Stacey gets with this-“
“ How can she when she knows that it is to help her?” Liz said angrily.
I hiccupped. “BECAUSE I DO. I KNOW THAT IT HELPS ME BUT PLEASE I AM IN PAIN, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN, BADLY. PLEASE GO AND TAKE ANGEL WITH YOU” I said, as I shouted to them.
They nodded and then they quickly left. “We love you” Liz said as they went out after Josh had given me a kiss.
Janet went back outside and then she came back in, after a few minutes.
“Here is what you need James” Janet said, giving him the trolley.
I looked at Janet, as James got up from sitting beside my bed. Janet sat there instead.
I cried harder and harder then what I had before when James was normally preparing the needle.
Janet cuddled me close. “I know that this is hard for you babe. We had to tell them though. You are not weak or a bitch for needing a needle to go to sleep and have a dreamless sleep. Most people who are in hospital need this for many different reasons, may it be pain or nightmares, it does get widely used in this hospital and throughout the adolescent ward” she said to me.
I nodded and then I turned and looked at James and then I quickly hid my face in Janet’s front.
“Pay attention to me Stacey and only me. Pretend that James isn’t there-“
“Easier said then ****ing done!” I yelled at Janet.
“Relax sweetheart, I need you relaxed” James said to me softly.
Janet took my hand, that wasn’t in the drip. “Its ok, you can be scared, you don’t have to be brave now. Scream cry anything” she said to me.
I busted into tears again. Janet held me. “Let it out babe. I am here” she said, as I started shaking.
Janet came and sat with me on the bed. I snuggled into her arms.
“Rock a bye baby on the tree top-“
“you will feel it go in and a sting” James whispered.
“where the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bow breaks-“
I let out a small yelp and then I cried and cried.
Janet kept hugging me and singing. “the cradle will fall and down will come baby, cradle and all” she whispered, as she heard my snores start.
I started crying softly. I whimpered. I sat up bolt straight screaming my lungs out. “Its to late. They cant stay away forever! They’ll get me. They will, I know they will. ****ing **** I am, cant keep my mouth shut. I want to slit my throat!” I cried out as I tried to get out of bed.
People held me down. I saw a blurred vision of James, standing at the end of my bed.
“Don’t give it to me.No!” I pleaded with James.
“DON’T GIVE IT TO ME OR I WILL GO AND ****ING KILL MYSELF!” I screamed at the people that were within ear shot.
“Cant do that babe. Hold still, this wont hurt a bit” James said to me, as I tried to wriggle out of it, but men held me in place.
Last edited by silentgirl : 12-12-2007 at 06:36 AM.
Reason: updating a story
updated Staceys Story, up to where it was on RYL v2
Its a bit confusing, i know. I have finished updating all of the news sections etc. The words in bold are the ones that most people have read, either on this ryl or the old version, though i have posted all of it again just so i know misses out. The bits that arent in bold are the sections that i have just recently written. Will promise to write more soon.
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
From the long wait, from the last section i had written, i have added more. From where the words say "have updated from here onwards" is where i have updated it. It is not in bold print. Continueing writing this story has been a release for me and thankyou to everyone who likes it.
