Regressing in maturity, I think?
I did some "brainstorming" with a counsellor who asked about how I've been since I was suspended and have to leave university, and how prepared I am to go back and try again in a year. But the longer I've been away from uni, the more scared I am at going back.
We tried to figure out why I was scared of that, and of getting a job and moving out, even if these are things I desperately want to do.
The idea of moving on past education is terrifying. Getting a job is becoming an adult and being responsible for yourself, being able to support and look after yourself, and it's not like when you're younger where, even if no one is looking out for you and you're dealing with things on your own, you still have somewhere to go everyday and if you disappear occasionally, if you aren't well, people notice, and they will try and talk to you about it, try and help you out, even if only because they want you to get a grade.
In the world of jobs and having your own place, people don't care like that, they don't have to. You can be unable to afford food, or accommodation, you could be homeless, what does it matter to them?
We talked about how more and more I've been desperate to do things with my parent like when I was a kid, going for walks and trips out, playing board games. I went out the other day with them just so I could be in the back of the car like I used to. I've become more clingy to them, like I'll go on and on at them about something I've just read or learned, something I would do as a kid but haven't done since being in highschool, and I feel really pushed aside and let down when they don't even try to appear interested.
I've started throwing tantrums, which, again, I haven't done since I was a kid. It just sorta bursts out, and usually if they mention "responsibility" or "being independent" or "supporting yourself and moving out", I just kick off.
It's all very weird, because I would love to move out and have my own life, but I think with what happened at university and how I panic at job interviews and don't seem to be able to keep up with work enough to do a job, I don't feel there's anything certain or safe about leaving for the big wide world. I just want to curl up in bed and pretend it doesn't exist.