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Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - childhood abuse
Okay, so, i have a few problem, as does everyone else on here. And, i know why i have a few problems, or atleast i think i know why.
When i was younger, i lived with my mother and father, my father was a very abusive alcoholic, i used to have to watch him abuse my mother, beat her up, threaten to kill her, and i also have to live with the knowledge that if it wasnt for him, i would have had an older brother.
one day, when i was three, i decided i wanted to try and do something about it, so i came down the stairs on which i had been sitting for hours watching him abuse my mother, and i shouted at him to stop, i watched him turn, walk towards me, and hit me so hard he knocked me off my feet. ive never forgotten that, nor have i ever forgotten the many times afterwards when he would come into my bedroom at night and get into bed beside me...he would whisper disgusting things in my ear and touch me, even now it makes me want to be sick, i was so scared, i held my breath and closed my eyes hoping it would all go away.
i have constant nightmares about it, and history had repeated its self with my ex, im just so used to stuff like that, that it doesnt knowingly affect me anymore, but i know that im just blocking things out, i know i must be doing something wrong, sending out some sort of signal that makes me deserve it....i just dont know how to stop it.
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