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Old 09-06-2012, 09:35 PM   #1
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whats the point

Im really tired of life now i spent 3 weeks in hospital not long ago and they put me on meds then on discharge took me off them i have been told this is because they dont know how to help or what to do but as an inpatient they have to be seen to do something.
They had me there as a voluntary patient but when i said i was going home they said no , they wanted me to stay but didnt want to section me as they didnt know what to do.
I am currently seeing 7 different therapists/doctors/nurses none of who know how to help me.
Im at the lowest ive ever been. Last year I attempted suicide 4 times, still no one would help. People are only around when dont want help and I want to kill myself to stop me but when i need help they all disappear.
So whats the point in my living anymore? No one wants me around. no one can help me.
Ive tried to ring my care co ordinater everyday this week and had no answer and now i am at a point where i just cant cope. Ive tried talking to the crisis line they tell me they cant help i need to talk to my care coordinater.
I just dont know what to do anymore im trying so hard and things just get worse



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Old 09-06-2012, 09:53 PM   #2
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Okay, what you need to do is take this all one step at a time. It sounds like you have a lot of different resources and meds thrown at you at once, and no clear answer. Have you been diagnosed? If not, sometimes having a word to label and justify your feelings with can help a lot. You can also try starting a journal, write down what happened and how you feel after each appointment with your care team. You need to make your mental health your business, and like any business you start, no one's going to keep it afloat but you. Just stick to it. Eventually you'll get in touch with your care coordinator and things will probably feel a little better from there.

Good luck.



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Old 09-06-2012, 09:54 PM   #3
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Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you're are having such a rough time at the moment. I do know what it is like when you have doctors that don't know how to help. Is there any way you could try to find a private therapist/doctor? Not someone that is apart of the doctors that you see now (I really hope that makes sense). Unfortunately, it can take a lot of time and going through a lot of doctors until you find the right one(s) for you and your needs. That does NOT mean you should give up, though.

There is and always will be a point to fighting through these hard times, but sometimes it can be difficult to figure out those reasons when you aren't feeling well. Honestly, if someone doesn't want you around then they aren't worth your time and if there isn't anyone that can help you right now that just means you have to keep trying until you can find someone who can. In my opinion, sometimes (not all of the time because I know this can be wrong in some cases) depression can cause people to close themselves off from others so it may seem like at times people don't want to help or that they don't want you around when they most likely do. The best thing you can do when you feel like that is to reach out to those people that make you feel unwanted so that you can get their side of it without having to worry about all of the "what if's." Also, getting outside and doing things that you enjoy or haven't done in awhile could make you feel a bit better.






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Old 09-06-2012, 10:05 PM   #4
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Ive tried everything ive seen nearly every person we have on the island theyre running out of different people for me to see. No they havent diagnosed me because they just keep saying they dont know, ive told them im suicidal they said they dont know. Ive been in the services for years now and theyve always said they dont know. I just dont think theres anything they can do to help me anymore. I dont want to be alive.
I cant afford a private therapist as i have 2 horses and am currently paying someone else to look after them as i am no longer able to. I go up as much as I can and ride but thats all I can do.
My care coordinater doesnt help either though he just keep telling me its all self inflicted and i need to sort myself out. When i told him about my self harm and he asked what i do he told me i was stupid and it took a lot for me to tell them everything.
I just dont know how i can do this anymore im trying so hard to sort things out and things keep knocking me back down again



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Old 09-06-2012, 10:11 PM   #5
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If you don't mind me asking, what has caused you to turn to harming? Maybe we can try to help you come up with other ways to help you deal with those things.

As for the doctor, he shouldn't have called you stupid and you can even report him for that.






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Old 09-06-2012, 10:16 PM   #6
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It wont make a difference. I did think about making a complaint about all of them tbh. I phoned crisis a week ago and they said they couldnt help but would get him to ring me wednesday, he told me he was going to ring me thursday anyway and i tried to ring on friday when i rang they said he wasnt around and i shoudl phone crisis which i did and they said they could help i needed to talk to him.

I honestly cant remember why I started harming it was so long ago, up until last year it was what was keeping me going.
Now i can see no point in life and cant stop thinking about things and all that keeps going through my head is thoughts of suicide self harm just isnt enough anymore



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Old 09-06-2012, 10:23 PM   #7
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There are no other triggers, besides all of the stress that is caused by your doctors?

Honestly, I do know how hard it is to not give up and to keep fighting through everything. It took me 2 years to get to a place where I'm content with myself and my life, it just takes a lot of hard work and time to get there. Perhaps writing a list of goals/dreams to look back on to help you give you something to hold on to. You could also try to come up with something to do each day and/or week that is fun so that you have something happy to look forward to.






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Old 09-06-2012, 10:31 PM   #8
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I cant look forward to anything anymore ive tried to set goals and i cant look forward to them just worry about them. im sorry i know that it sounds like im just whining and being annoying i just honestly dont know what to do.

In all honesty my whole life is a trigger.
I have have one friend (i find people difficult) but i love him, turns out he used me, he knew what had gone on in my past, now he has a gf he doesnt want to know me. I thought we sorted things out but hes acting very funny towards me now.
I work with a lot of sharp objects (scapols, blades, knifes etc.) which i find really triggering
I was admitted to hospital and discharged the night before my uni exams all of which i failed
Everybody in my life hates me, im stupid and fat
Im going to loose my job
I can no longer ride my horses because im not good enough for them
Im incapable of doing anything
and no one can help me



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Old 09-06-2012, 11:16 PM   #9
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Have you talked to your friend about how the way he is acting and treating you is making you feel? If he still treats you badly then I suggest cutting off all contact with him since you don't need negative people around when you are trying to get better.

Has anyone ever told you that they hate you? If not, what have they done to make you feel that way? Maybe just sitting down with these people and have a conversation about how they are making you feel could help you feel better.

You are not incapable of doing anything. You have the choice to either stop doing everything you enjoy doing (riding your horses, ect.) or to get out there and keep fighting to get to a place in your life where you will actually be content and hopefully get to a point where you are truly happy. Go for a walk, join a group, find ways to meet new people, ride your horses... Take control of your life and your happiness because honestly, you're the only one who can do these things. Yes, doctors and other people can support you through these bad times, but it's really down to you.

I hope I'm not coming off as rude because I'm not trying to be. I just have been in this situation before and I know you can do this.






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Old 11-06-2012, 07:08 PM   #10
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Yes he knows ive tried to cut him off but i just cant.

I mean i cant even kill myself, i tried a while back and when the psyc team came to see me said i was fine, they let me go 2 weeks later i did the same saw them again said i was fine they let me go again, a few weeks later the same things again ... i cant even do that right. knowing how much damage my drinking and cutting and not eating has done since then i dont think my body could cope with anymore and i just keep thinking i want to do it again and i know i will i have told them they dont care .
I been trying to ring my CC for weeks and only managed to get hold of him today he said we have appt wednesday so theres no point talking me today.

Work no longer want me there/ think im safe to be there .. and much as i tell them i am sat staring at blades all day is very triggering

Its like everything in my life is telling me suicide is the way to go
and everything would be right
i should
i should get out everyones way and just die

i just cant do this anymore i cant ive tried distraction ive tried talking i cant think of anymore to do
i want my life over its all i can think about
i dont know what to do



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Old 11-06-2012, 09:51 PM   #11
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What is stopping you from cutting your friend off from your life?

Personally, I think at least a small part of you does NOT want your life to be over or else you wouldn't be alive right now or on this site reaching out for help. Yes, there are bad things going on in your life right now which could make it seem like suicide is the answer. Getting through this IS possible, though. It'll just be a long and possibly painful process, but it's worth it no matter what.

Could you try looking for a new job? It doesn't seem like it is helping you any and it is very triggering for you to be there. Maybe you can look for something that is a little less stressful.

Distractions is a tricky thing. Some may or may not work. You just have to keep trying and keep busy until you find something that works for the moment when you're triggered. This link has a lot of ideas for things that you can do http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ead.php?t=1403






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Old 12-06-2012, 08:36 PM   #12
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I would love a new job but Its unlikely i'll find one that pays as well i'm 19 and im a trainee scientist having a degree paid for and i need that to pay for my horses.
He is basically my only friend, and he has helped me a lot i think. Along with that I have feelings for him as much as I hate to admit it.
I have been through the list of distractions nothing works for me... My doctors say this is because of my diagnosis of AS and so nothing will work for me as well as the fact that i understand all of the science behind what im doing to my body they said distraction will be pretty much impossible because of the way i see things

But i think because of the way I see things this will never go away



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Old 12-06-2012, 10:25 PM   #13
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I know that you may not find something that pays as much right now, but your health comes first. If you aren't healthy than you can't handle the job you have right now. You don't have to stay away from this job forever, but taking a break and doing something less stressful for a little while may do you a lot of good.

What is AS?

If you keep telling yourself that nothing will work, you will never get better or you wont find distractions that will help then it wont happen. You'll believe all of this more and more if you keep telling yourself negative things. Being positive can be hard when so much is going on, but there is always a chance that things WILL get better. You just can't keep giving up on yourself.






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Old 13-06-2012, 08:25 PM   #14
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AS is Aspergers Syndrome.
I have tried to be positive but its just ends up with me feeling rubbish
I feel like im watching everything in slow motion right now I have no energy for anything.
I need to keep my job to pay for my horses people have told me to sell them get myself sorted and buy some more but its not that simple. Without my horses I have no reason at all to live, as it is im struggling
this week things are just going from bad to worse in my head and my CCO doesnt seem to understand, as long as i turn up to work hes happy the fact that im spending most of my time sat shaking and crying at one of my seniors is not important or the fact i cant do much work

im really struggling to find a reason why i should live through the night



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Old 13-06-2012, 09:56 PM   #15
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At least your horses help give you a reason to keep fighting. I'm not going to tell you to sell them because I know how much animals can mean to a person. Is there any other way you could get some help from someone else to help you pay for the horses? Maybe if you can do that you might be able to look for a different job. Obviously you don't have to do anything you don't want to because you know what's best for you, but if you aren't healthy then you wont be able to do any of the things you'd like to do (work, your horses, ect.)






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Old 14-06-2012, 04:25 PM   #16
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I know I need to do something but I don't know what or how to. No one will help pay for my horses to the point when I was in hospital I had so much time off I ended up on half pay my parents refused to help me pay for the horses because the said I put myself in that situation and messed everything up so I could sort it. I am finding it hard to do anything though my horses aren't getting nearly enough work or attention at the moment. I just really don't know what to do now.at the moment I'm sat in the staff room trying to keep myself together but I can feel the panic there's 12 people in here and its too many for me. All of them I know and work with but I'm still struggling with it arggg I'm really struggling with life right now



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Old 14-06-2012, 10:18 PM   #17
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Sometimes you have to give up things you don't want to so that you can get yourself back on track health wise. You may not want to quit your job because it's good pay, but as you said above, it's too stressful for you to go out there because there are too many people and there are a lot of triggers involved with your work. You may not want to sell your horses, but they aren't getting enough attention they really need. Yes, you love them and they are one of your reason for fighting through this, but if you don't concentrate on yourself right now then everything else wont get back on track either. You will be able to make it through anything even if you don't believe that at the moment. You just have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get yourself better so that you can handle work and everything else. That is my own opinion, though...






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Old 16-06-2012, 02:53 PM   #18
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I cant loose the one thing i have to live for ... im starting to think there is no point in this i may as well give up now whatever I do im going to feel rubbish



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Old 16-06-2012, 09:34 PM   #19
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The way you view yourself and your life can either make things seem a lot better or a lot worse. If you only say the bad in things and all you say is that you can't do something, then you wont. You are the only person that can pick yourself up and keep fighting through this. You can't expect things to be good without having to do the work to get yourself there. As for your horses, I only suggested letting them go because you are having trouble with the place you work at, you aren't doing well health wise and you mentioned that they aren't getting a lot of attention which animals need just as much as humans do. At the end of the day, though, it is up to you on how you handle all of this.






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Old 16-06-2012, 10:24 PM   #20
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They are getting attention just not from me im making sure theyre being looked after and right now they are being looked after by someone much better than me! so theyre doing quite well.
I have been trying to sort things out just nothing i do is right. Everything i do makes me feel better It took me 2 years to get pep back im not losing her again she deserves a good life now shes had a crappy one up til now its the least i can do, my horses stay with me if it kills me
in all honesty i dont know why im writing this because im pretty much a lost cause at this point so ill just shut up now



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