Last year I went into meltdown for all those years of bullying, despite being out of that school for 2 years. I guess I realise the seflhate wasnt just gunna go away with the bullying.
But now.. I'm out of sixth form, and am supposedly recovering. havent selfharmed in almost 6 months. But I still have all these issues with people.
I think everyone hates me, yet I get these big expectations of people, and when they let me down I just blame myself or hate them aswell.
I wish I could just get my confidence back, and be able to believe that when people say "you're a great person" or "you're pretty" theyre not just taking the piss or lieing their asses off.
Has anyone actually been able to rebuild their confidence?
Is there anything I can do to help myself?
I'm trying you know, I've got a job, meeting new people, but already I think they all hate me. Even if the guys say something really nice, I still take everything with a pinch of salt you know? I expect them to hate me.
Not to mention girls, I still have a really big problem with girls, I'm very weary of them, and just automatically asume they hate me. I have very few friends that are girls, and have only ever gotten close to one (Eva, my best friend who got me through the bullying. She went through it too, and is the only one who understands.)
I dunno how to trust. And now having had bad endings to relationships with guys like "you're too ugly", being cheated on, being too fucked up, and not being able to get close to him because of the previous three, I just can't trust anyone, guys or girls.
I'm beginning to hate my friends because theyre just not who I want them to be. How do I stop wanting everyone to be so fucking perfect??
And can I really blame all this on petty bullying?
Please help. Sorry to waste board space. x
heya hun, ure not wasting space at all! i have been through a lot of bullying in the past and yeah i still have issues because of it such as trusting and self confidence. It used to be so bad i wouldnt go out socially because i thought my friends were just my friends out of pity and tht they really didnt like me at all - after all, if the bullies were treating me like crap, and they didnt even no me, then my friends must really dispise me - WRONG! i had to learn tht the only way i was going to gain even a little self confidence back was to start socialising, stop letting things botherme etc. but the only way i could do tht then was to 'fake it'. fake being confident wen out, start random conversations and ifppl looked at me funny and mademe sure they didnt like me, then tell myself 'who cares? not everybody has to like me' over and over again. Trust me, it wasnt easy and i still struggle now, tho these days, its more 'me' than 'faking it' Its how i am now. My motto to myself on the bad days is 'fake it to make it'. if it can work for me, then theres hope for u chick!. Dont give up trying becauseit will get easier,it just takes time to feel better wen ure self esteem has taken such a battering. There are ppl out there u can trust, who wont treat u like crap and who will like u for who u are.
I hope this helps
much love and hugs
I keep trying to think of some way to reply to this thread but i can't think of any advice or words of wisdom to comfort you. So i must settle for saying you are not alone in this. No words can discribe the pain they made us feel, nor the pain we suffer now because of their actions. Let us hope we can both learn to trust others again.
(god i hate it when i get overdramatic...)
Please note the opinions expressed above are the opinions of Xye only and DO NOT always represent the views of RYL or for that matter the rest of the human race.
Thats the exact situation i am in infact i am crying right now. I really think everyone hates me and when i meet a guy i am so clingy 2 them they get scared off and then they hate me and it makes the situation worse :(
help us out some one
Everthing Turns Out Okay In The End... If Its Not Okay Its Not The End
THOSE PEOPLE DONT MATTER.
remember they only picked on you cuz that was their only way of feeling worth anything, it sucks but it is how it is.
BE BETTER THAN THAT!
if youre hating your friends (and letting them know) for lack of perfection, you're continuing the cycle. Please dont put any more people through what youve been through.
cant help you on trust as i have major issues with that myself...
Half Psychotic Sick Hypnotic
We sat and waited for the sea
To stretch out so that we could disappear
Into the endlessness of blue Into the horror of the truth We are far less than we knew
Thankyou so much to everyone. I like the idea of "fake it to make it", I might try that out tonight at work. I dont want to be fake tho, but if i can fake my confidence up a bit, that cant hurt anyone.
Originally Posted by HeavensAngel13
Thats the exact situation i am in infact i am crying right now. I really think everyone hates me and when i meet a guy i am so clingy 2 them they get scared off and then they hate me and it makes the situation worse :(
help us out some one
*hugs* I has the same problem with guys, with my first 2 boyfriends I was so so clingy and it ended up smacking me in the face u know? so I "learnt" from that and did the complete opposite with my boyfriends since, and now I cant get close to them at all! Its a no-win situation =(
I dunno how to help u, accept *hugs*.
Its harder when I dunno who I hate anymore. I thought I hated the bullies, but when I see them out and about sumtimes, I dont actually feel hate towards them, its more numbness. I think I hate myself more tbh.
I keep just trying to think, I'm better than them, I'm prettier than them, I'm more successful than them. I have a hard time believeing it tho
Hi everyone! It has been a fair few years since the girl (who had come to my school as a newbie, and I was asked to help her settle in) who became my best friend, (alienated me from my original friends) suddenly turned on me for no apparent reason and began slagging me off. I never realised it at the time, but it was more gradual than i realised and it had definitely messed me up more than I thought.
It began when I was 14 yrs old and finally eased up when she left the school after our GCSE year (I was 16 then) so for the 2 years she manipulated me into believe all her lies, and sly digs at me, and slowly she edged her way into my life and tore it apart.
I never told anyone, just that we were no longer friends, because I didn't want my family to worry or be upset. It's easy for people to say to tell someone, but it is difficult, especially if you were a confident person, as I had been before I'd met her, who became very quiet, shy and withdrawn....particularly from the people who make you strong, your real friends... because you feel weak... you feel like you're making a fuss over nothing... you think it will blow over.... it doesn;t, and you get your own coping mechanism... mine was to focus intently on my school work, although my grades suffered because even though I would pretend to be reading my work when I could hear her saying things about me and giggling (man even now hearing people giggling makes my chest tighten in fear that they are laughing at me... logically, I know its not possible, but still!)...
I would stare at my work, trying to force myself to think through it all, to concentrate on projects, keep myself busy (which I still do, I am a creature of habit and doing nothing makes me feel weak lonely and sad... lots of hobbies help you to cope!!!)
She told every secret I told her, to everyone, eg Guys I liked, and who I was now too shy to ask out she went and told them to get them to laugh at me, and tell their friends and to shun me basically....
(She was and is always now in my mind a pathetic person, who had serious issues with her own life to feel the need to power trip it out on me... considering I was the only one in the school who even smiled at her, was welcoming and kind....I know I'm not the one with REAL problems....)
...so...sorry this is such a long story...she still had to sit by me in class, but she turned her back to me.... in turn, I would listen to more and more rock music on my walkman (tape version, showing my age here, pre- cd and MP3!) And I kept all of my self hate and anger burning inside me.... I didn't know or understand at the time why she suddenly hated me so much? had I done something? I called her on the phone and she claimed that she thought I was upset with her.... lying cow... the next day she began sitting with another group.... I refused to run out of the classroom crying, even though thats exactly what I felt like doing, every lesson I had with her, near enough 5 hours a day, but I kept repeating this to myself:
Don't let her win, if you cry, she'll know she's won, she will ahve achieved her goal... keep being strong... don't show you care....she'll get fed up... that's what everyone says...don't let her see that she's getting to you....don't let her win
this would get repeated over and over as I worked to calm me down... but all of the stored anger, confusion and self hatred was kind of festering.... i'd come home, and want to keep my family rfom getting hurt or invovled, so I would snap at them, would shout at them.... you always hurt the people you love most right?! or the ones who can help most... they understand you.....except they really began to dislike me... understandably... i just couldn't get myself to say it to them... they were disappointed with my exam results.... they said I hadn't been revising... just been sitting in my room, music blaring, watching films all night long....
they didn't know that was cos I was actually crying myself to sleep each night, trying to work out what I had done for not only one person hating me, but having all of her little cronies (GF's of the guys I liked, as she said I was plotting to steal them! bcos I was such a dirty ho-bag... apparently) trying to trip me up, spitting abuse at me as I walked past... making me miserable... laughing as I walked past, pointing, jeering.... by this point, I was borderline Goth (was already a mosher) long black leather coat, hair covering my face (cos I was so hideous, she had convinced me) dark make up, music blaring so loud to get rid of my thoughts swirling.....
I couldn't trust anyone.... except my twin sister.. she didn't know anything... I've never lied to her, up until the point she asked are you ok? and i answered, I'm fine.... which became my favourite cover up for "I'm having a meltdown! heeelp! I am so upset and I don't know what to do...." my original group of friends were great, my true friends, as soon as The Cow left, I slotted right back into the group....they were so great, but they didn't know how much she had tormented me....
Then I was off to uni! yay! university, a nice new place, to begin again, make new friends, have lots of fun.... I was dreading it.... new people to make fun of me and laugh at me, new people to have to work out if I trust them, to be able to work out if they are lying or not. new people to ruin the partially fixed me.... by this point, my main group of friends were boys... they n\ever spoke about me behind my back, ask a q theyd answer you straight, no sugar coating, and I needed that....I faked it... i was the most bubbly, chatty and probably annoying person for that year... i invited myself along to new peoples meetings etc as I figured if they didn't like me (or accept me as me, as I began to feel more confident as ME) they could just get lost... i figured the worst that could happen already had... by this stage i had my 'i don 't care attitude' evolved into my fake confident persona.... and if required, i'd still go back to my room, slap on a romcom, and cry my little heart out...btu never for anyone to see...
In uni, a group of girls befriended me, and we had a good enough laugh that we decided for our second year we'd share a house. so me, and four other girls in a house... i was dreading it... they were all talking about how great it was going to be, but i was so scared they'd be living with ME real ME and hate REALME! eeep! me with no makeup, and my quirky ways of eating a twix, and reading Shakespeare for pleasure.....and it scared me so much i considered staying in halls another year. but one of my good guy mates in uni intervened... i was crying down the phoen to him, by this point i was so hysterical, I told him every detail about the bullying... by the time i finished, id stopped crying and he told me not to worry.... another weght had lifted.... i told people and they didnt laugh at me... around ten minutes later, one of my new girl mates phoned me to meet up.
she gave me a huge hug, told me that they (all my lovely girls! who i love so much as they are still my best friends in the world!) all would never do that to me... that i shouldn't worry because they would be with me to fight with me, not against me, and they would fight away anyone who tried to hurt me again... much crying and hugging, brings tears to my eyes now!
phew... still reading on?! it is a long process I know!!!
2 years of living with my ladies, I realised how much I had missed out on, not having girly mates for a few years, we watched movies and laughed when each other cried, chatted about everything and nothing, cooked fab meals for each other, did surprises to each other (random acts of kindness, like cupcakes, valentiens for each other! easter egg hunts...birthday surprise parties...) things friends do for each other.......
so now, I'm 24..... I'm still crap with dating guys, but mainly because I have strong feelings for one in particular who is far far away (another issue!) but i can trust girls now... well I trust my group of girls and thats all i need. I am more wary of new people, and can judge within a minute of speaking to someone, normally with some specific questions about fave movies etc, whether I will get along well or not at all with someone...... i have trust issues... i still have a lot of anger, but its been taken off me, i know i did nothing to bring on the bullying..... but i found i directed it towards to bully, which helped.... but still leaves me very angry.... I'd like to get counselling, but i feel they might try to put me on something....but I find talking about it lifts that weight each time.... so bieng on here is a step in teh right direction.... it gets easier with time.... its been ten years for me, and I know if i ever see her again, my stomach will knot and I will want to vomit..... but i won't let her know that... or anyone else.... I just tell people i will slap her when i see her for putting me thru this.....i won' t
i am not a naturally agressive person.... i just became more hardened to the world.... unfortunately....
i know that the follwoing songs also helped me stay focused:
the middle by jimmy eat world (hey, don't write yourself off yet, its only in your head you feel left out or looked down on........it just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride, everything, everythings gonna be alright)
particularly those lyrics as i did become so paranoid that everyone was hating me, thinking about what i was doing, leaving me out of things, looking at me in disgust.... not caring helps, but dont become uncaring....
i am also a fairly clingy gf.... because when you get someone who makes you happy, even for a brief moment you lose control, and you dont want to lose that good feeling, because you feel like you'll be falling backwards......
and when christina aguilera released fighter, it was as if someone had written down what i'd been thinking.....
sorry it took so long.... but i really hope this helps.... even posting on here has helped me feel stronger.... don't let them win, you win by proving you are better than they ever were or will be, that you are the more rounded, level headed sensible person.... THEY are the ones we should pity, because their lives must have been soooo tragic that they had to ruin our particularly boring ones....and they have given us the fuel to keep motivated, to keep trying and not let them win.....
oh btw totally forgot.... with regards to clinginess, love yourself first... then they will all love you!!!! cliched i know, but noone wants to know someone who is always down on themselves.... by smiling, being happy and positive, i get sooo many guys smiling back.... try it walking down a busy street, just smile at a stranger... if they aren't a cold hearted sunnuvva whatever, they will smile back... mutual love in the world!!! that is all
A xxxxx please reply! i would love to hear if i have helped you!
dont push thru the bullying thinking it will end when school ends...
get something done, record everything if ppl dont try and help eg.teachers perents go beyond them you have the right to not be picked on.
at worst if it's a gov school sue the gov [you are being forced to school by the gov] where thay are not willing to previde safty for you
i saw this one kid still kid get mills dew to school neglect(for this the teachers have to know and not stop it)
if you are going to do this you need to get school records (i was told mine were destroyed after 7 years)
(This is there job thay get payed to do this)
you wagg school and get hit by a car it's the schools folt (dito with bullying)
my only question is how do i get back what has been taken from me day after day littel by littel
the willingness to have a girlfrend
i spend all day in my room
my hopes and dreams
maybe we shuld not be razeing our kids thinking the world is perfect when it is far from it(what a kick in the teath that must be)liveing an a perfect place where you get fu*ked over every day some times three times a day all cuss some fags dont like your last name kill them kill them all
and im talking 3fags holding you down whil a 4th use's you head as a trampolin all 4th graders and your only g2 what fun :)
People who bully others tend to have serious issues of their own. There is NOTHING wrong with you at all, you're a lovely person. Nobody hates you... and if they do, that's their own fault and they are missing out on having a wonderful friend.
I was bullied all the way through school you know, and I did let it interfere with my life. I had a long history of anxiety regarding seeing the bullies again, but I've come face to face with them and it amused me when I did. One of the girls who bullied me is on benefits and can't get a job because she has no qualifications, and the other girl works at McDonald's. I'm at university and, with any luck, am going to be much better off than those two.
DO NOT let this destroy you, come out on top. You deserve to be happy and healthy. And hun, if you ever see the bullies again, just smile at them and show that you haven't let them ruin your life. Because you will have a great life!
So yes... I believe you can get over bullying.
"How can I be a gynecologist? I can barely look a woman in the eye!"
I am female and 25 now and i was bullied throughout my childhood and adolesence.
It started at primary school when I was about 9 or 10.. it was subtle at first, boys would ask me to be their girlfriend and then would turn round and say 'not really! as if i would!' and run away. i soon learnt not to say yes.
I moved up to senior school and things seemed calm for a while, then a girl 3 years older than me attacked me in the playground one lunchtime when I was just 12. I had been at the school a month or so and the whole school watched as this girl attacked me. Thats when things started to go bad. The boys in year 11 and 10 would follow me home, spitting on me. they would trip me up in the hallway, push me down grass banks and shout nasty things at me. I didn't know what I was doing wrong.
When I was 13 I was still in the throws of the bullying, being phsycologically(spelling?) and physically abused by the whole of the school, (quite litterally), when a boy 2 years older than me asked me on a date. I thought i was the luckiest girl in the world. We met outside a local pizzeria, him and his friend and me and my friend. he moved close to kiss me, and then spat in my mouth and laughed. a massive group of people then came from around the corner, laughing at me and calling me dirty and discusting. My friend comforted me but she was in as much shock as I was. I never told my parents.
I was in town one saturday, doing some shopping with my cousin, and around 15 boys cornered me and began spitting at me. There were adults around but noone interviened.
Everywhere I went I would get someone coming up to me saying "so and so is looking for you to hit you" or I would get boys coming to spit on me or trip me up.
One evening I had a argument with my parents, I cant remember what it was about now, but I got myself that worked up I managed to build up the courage to spit out the issues I was having. My mum said I was just saying that to get out of trouble, otherwise I would have told her sooner if I was that worried.
I went to school one day and people had started calling me '10 fags'. An older boy had said I had given him a blow job for 10 fags. The name still sticks to this day. Even my closest friends didnt know whether it was true or not. Obviously it wasnt. I was heartbroken.
I continued to put up with it, until one day i just couldnt take it anymore. My mum had bought me a load of new fancy pens for school and a girl had took them and chucked them down the toilet. I guess it was the final straw.
I told my mum I needed to move schools. I didn't want to, because I had my best friend at my school and my cousin but I just felt I needed to move. She said I shouldn't run from my problems and I should stick it out. The next few weeks I was on a mission to get myself kicked out of the school, which I was successful in doing.
I moved to a school 3 miles away. Unfortunatly that wasnt far enough. People at my old school had friends and cousins at this new school and if that wasnt bad enough, one of my bullies had been kicked out of my old school and was sent to my new school. The '10 fags' rumour started once more and to my horror, people at my new school started bullying me again.
I started to misbehave, I am not sure why. One afternoon I got sent to the small careers room to work by myself for being naughty. A boy also got sent there and soon started on me. Then he came and sat on my lap. I tried to jump up but he hit me and pinned my arms down with his legs. He tried to force his penis into my mouth. I struggled and sobbed and tried everything to get out of it. Eventually he gave up and I ran out of the room and I went home.
I told my mum and she rang my head of year. He told her that the boy in question was extreemly popular and if I was to make a formal complaint it would probably make my bullying worse. We decided not to take it any further. I regret that so much, because the next day 3 girls cornered me shouting about how I had 'lied about it all' and had 'got ***** into trouble over nothing'and 'why would he want you?!' I ran and ran until i got home again. I took 3 weeks off school and tried to get into another school, to no avail.
I stayed at that school and dealt with it until I finally left in 2002.
My mum would always say 'You stand out, thats why they always seem to go for you.' and I took that as gospel. When I was 18 I died my blonde hair a dark brown and moved out of the town.
Recently I had a son and moved back to be closer to my family. Now I see these bullies every day. People still shout '10 fags'at me in the street, even though I am with my son.
I have a lot more to say on how this affected me, needless to say its pretty much the same as those who posted above me. I never know what to say to people, even friends. I spend ages staring at a text message wondering the right way to respond. I always need reassuring that I am infact normal. It probably affects me more now than it ever did before. or at least it seems that way.
Just thought I would share. I have ended abruptly because I have a child to take to school.
eading this thread reminds me of my situation, i sit here with my eyes watering trying to help to explain. i know how you feel.
I was bullied off an on for 11 years, from the ages of 5-16. last year i had a meltdown, when i realised what happened to me wasnt normal and all the self hate and boxed emotion caught up with me. After work with a psych and on my own im vaguely ok with myself these days.
But its left me with self doubt, self hate, mistrust of people - feel like they must be talking about me/ hate me and an inability to take a 'joke'.
right enough about me. i wont bore you by talking about the things that happened to me we'll just leave it with i think I understand.
- believing compliments - start small someone lsays they like your hair smile at it, good choice on the haircut or whatever. I don't think i'll completely be able to believe but people wouldnt waste their breath if they didnt mean it.
- write down good stuff you have ever thought about yourself, or someone has said and ways you've helped people. Then when your not feeling so self believing/ good you look at your list to remind you of the good stuff.
-talking to someone hard but helps get out of your head.
- being honest.
thats all i got its hard i'm not completely there but i now have friends i trust that i coukdn't try talking to a few years back.
To get over bullying takes a long time but it is possible. and there is no reason to be ashamed of the effect of 'petty bullying' it isn't petty check out this thread, bullying is abuse and it can effect you badly by changing your outlook/ attitude. But it wasn't your fault, one of the hardest things to say or believe but its true.
wishing you the best for the future,
'Fix me. Fix my head. Fix me please. I don't wanna be dead.
Someday. I'll feel no pain. Someday. I won't have a brain.They'll take away the part that hurts. And let the rest remain.'
this thread is hard i just want to let u all no that i no what it is like to be bullied and that u are all good kind and worthwhile people.
i was bullied throughtout my schooling and by my family in fact i have been bullied throughtout my child hood and as a adult for as long as i can remember i am 25 now but its happening again and for some reason even though i no its not i still feel like its my fault and i just feel like i am an adult now and should be able to deal with it.
i will find a way i have too i think you have to all stick together and remember that its not your fault.
sorry i don't have much but just wanted u all to no that i understand and u can all get through it.
I am one of you too, but it is kind of hard to accept that we will be like this the rest of our life. I have read most of the posts here and sensed the same pessimism I always feel. I started and stopped writing several times and then I realised that I did so because if I would write here it would mean that I am one of you and I didn't want to accept that I am such person. I guess we all are trying to hide that we are/were bullied because it is kind of shame that we let other people to walk over us and probably that's why we come here to write. We can't be so open to others we are simply ashamed.
I am not writing my story because all our stories are much like each other and that's why we face same consequences; lack of self-confidence, poor self-image, hating ourselves, etc.
I think if we want to change the way we live, we first must accept the way we are right now and take responsibility for that. Of course it is not our fault that other people choose to bully us but it is our fault that we still let them do it and still feel miserable about ourselves. I don't know all about you but I think all of us are ashamed to accept that actually WE let bullies to humiliate us. Faking the confidence is not the solution, we can fake and fool others but we cannot fool ourselves because inside we all know that we are ashamed to be bullied. And this shame is destroying our self-confidence step-by-step.
I tried to fake, actually I faked a lot and nobody will ever believe that I was and am still bullied. But this is not a solution, it simply accumulates and increases the pressure, which is destroying our lives. I did so for more than 15 years. For these years I have never fully accepted the fact that I am bullied and that some people can humiliate me so easily. And I realise it now that I did so because of shame, because I hate myself for letting those bullies humiliate me and right now as I am writing I feel myself miserable for my pas, for accepting the fact that I let others bully me. But I think this is a reality and if we want to change it we at first have to accept it without this shame and then we will se what we can do.
So instead of faking my advise would be just to repeat to ourselves that we let them bully us and we let them humiliate and what is more important do not get upset and ashamed for that because we gonna change it. No meter how old we are it is never late and it is always worth it. We must confront this situation and change it, there is no other solution and starting point will be to accept ourselves (bullied, humiliated, no confidence) as we are now.
We are ashamed to be bullied, because we let them bully us. We need to realise this and and than shame will go away because in the end I know there is nothing to be ashamed (I don't quite believe it right now but it sounds logical and must be true:).
So wish you all of you good luck, never give up and don't be ashamed that others can bully us. There is nothing to be ashamed our time will come to we will conquer this shame and act appropriately against bullying.
This thread is rather old, so I don't know if anything I say will reach any of the people here. I have a slightly different perspective that might possibly be helpful.
I went to a lot of different schools as a child and was quite badly bullied at some of them, though not others.
What I think may be missing from this thread and from a lot of discussions of this subject is anger. When someone calls you a nasty name, physically abuses you, laughs at you maliciously etc. it is the most natural response in the world to feel furiously angry – and more so if this happens day after day. I think a lot of the problem for bullied people is that, for one reason or another, they cannot express this anger. The most obvious reason is that, when bullying happens, the bullied person is simply outnumbered. We cannot fight back and win and often our attempts to defend ourselves by lashing out, making threats or telling the bullies off are met with mocking laughter. Even to the extent that we can fight back, our confidence in doing so is undermined precisely by the fact that everyone seems to be against us. Maybe, we think, we really are in the wrong, even though we can't see how.
When anger can't be expressed, it builds up as tension and anxiety, inhibiting movement, making one feel awkward, unconfident and ashamed. All this I think is exacerbated by the actual shame one feels about being bullied. The anger gets turned inwards, sometimes to the point where the bullied person actually does more harm to themselves than their bullies ever did.
But somewhere in all this, however suppressed, there is still enormous anger towards the bullies. My rather simple view is that, first of all, before any other healing can occur, the bullied person needs to discover in themselves the true extent of this anger. This is both a physical and verbal thing. One probably wishes one could do actual physical harm to the bullies. One also probably has a lot of nasty things one wants to say about them. And, while one's about it, all mixed up with this, one probably has a lot of nasty things one wants to say to and about oneself.
None of this is a place to remain. The objective is to grow up and move beyond it, but while it's all bottled up, unexpressed in us, we can't. So, in a safe place, writing, beating up pillows, shouting in isolated places etc. one needs to get it out, see what it is and begin to reason with it and reassure ourselves. But even before we lay it to rest completely, getting it out can give us relief. This has been my experience anyway.