Hi, sorry this is my first post but I wasn't too sure where to turn for help.
Long story short, I have suffered with SH/Depression for around five years (I'm a 21 female from UK). On the whole I have been "fine" for several months with only the odd relapse into SH.
Recently I have had quite significant problems, including splitting up with my boyfriend of a year (down to my paranoia and mood swings, which I can't explain).
I have fallen back into SH again. On Monday I fought it, by Tuesday I had cut myself in work. On Wednesday following an argument with my ex and him "letting me down" I just zoned out for around 30mins. Long story short, I ended up being picked up by my parents from the city center after cutting my wrist in public and being taken to hospital for stitches. When I say "public", I was sat down I guess "pretending" to be on the phone/waiting for someone and hiding what I was doing/had done by my bag and scarf.
Today (Thursday) I've been battling with it again. I don't want to blame my ex but I just cannot cope with rejection. I went to my Nanas house, as she's away, sat on the kitchen floor and went to SH again. Thankfully for small mercies her knives were blunt so I couldn't do anything.
This evening I met my ex. He wants a break from me as he can't cope with my mood swings. I pretended to be fine with this. We went to the local supermarket so he could buy some cigarettes. I don't know where it came from but I came out with the line of "I need to pick up a prescription" (there's a pharmacy within the store). I then automatically went to the kitchen isle, purchased a knife and met him back at the front of the store as normal as possible without him suspecting anything.
I'm not sure where I intended to go as such but I presume I would have ended up sat in the local park and done something. My dad saw me walking home alone and insisted I came back with him, which I did with no resistance. And now the feeling has gone.
Following on from my A&E trip the advised me to see my doctor. I have an appointment tomorrow but don't really know what to say. I find it embarrassing to admit that this has mainly been bought on due to a boy not wanting me. Although the initial urge is gone, I know deep down I probably will hurt myself again in the next 48hours. If I'm honest I know that the next two/three weeks I'm going to really struggle.
I have a stressful job where I cannot make any mistakes, my head just isn't with it at the moment and the quality of my work is rapidly deteriorating. Things that used to take two hours are now taking four.
So, the roundup being, I'm not sure whether I just need a "break". I was considering asking to be signed off work but sitting around the house won't really do me any good. I used to spend everyday with my ex, so there's a lot of memories that would be surrounding me.
Although not a danger to myself as such, I'm not sure whether I break possibly in hospital where I could hopefully talk my way through the pain of the break up and I hopefully wouldn't be able to SH would do me good. I feel mellow-dramatic for even thinking like that though. In the grand scheme of things, compared to other people, I don't have "real" problems and this makes me feel ashamed that I let things get to me like I do. From other peoples experiences would this be an option?
I have OD'ed twice in the past following a breakup with my "first love", rather than suicidal intention it was more a cry for help and I did this before I "discovered" cutting. I have also started using OTC (not herbal) sleeping tablets so I can sleep rather than lying round, tossing and turning and working myself up. On a "bad day" rather than taking one, I'll take say ... six. I don't know why. I know it won't kill me, that's not what I want. I just do it though?
I don't really know what to do. I can be "normal" at times and then something will happen and I'll spiral downwards at an alarming rate without thinking of any consequences. Or I can act "normal" but inside I feel so anxious, I can't really concentrate and all I want to do is curl up (exactly what keeps happening at work).
I just don't really know what to say to the doctor. I don't want to walk in and pretend that I'm fine, like I usually do.
Firstly, please don't feel ashamed, you have every right to be feeling the way you do and to be hurting right now. I don't mean you should be hurting yourself physically, I meant mentally, rejection of any form is tough, stressful jobs are tough, and it sounds like right now you're feeling pretty damn overwhelmed.
I too wondered as I was reading about your life and your job if some time out would be good, especially from work, but if you feel unsafe at home then obviously not. As for hospital it is something you'd need to discuss with your doctor - can you maybe do that tomorrow?
I have actually myself ended up in hospital after a break up myself (mine were not connected, mindyou, but everyone else thought they were, so it is something professionals consider as a trigger).
Your days sound pretty painful to me. I remember having days like them too. Can you mention all about the cutting in the 'public', the knifes, the overdoses to your doctor? Only if you're honest are they able to give you the honest help and support you need.
In fact, maybe show them this post as a beginning point to prompt what you need to tell them? Even if they don't suggest hospital they may suggest a referral or some other thing that might help you learn some coping skills to get you through these days better.
Whatever happens, please don't give up and please do try and refrain from hurting yourself where you can. Hospital isn't always a good solution, the experience can often be very difficult of being locked up with other mentally unwell people, so consider that aspect of it too. What else might help you through the days right now? Maybe something to consider.
Thankyou for your lovely reply. I have seen the doctor and printed off the above post. He's signed me off work until Thursday to give me some time, back to counseling I go and he also agrees that I may have BPD.
I realise I have a problem and that the SH isn't the way to go but I'm not entirely sure I will ever find another coping mechanism. I probably won't hear anything from the counseling for the next few months anyway if past experience is anything to go by.