Okay, well guess I should start with a "hi" to everyone.
I've been a member of RYL since it was "Ruin" and posted when I was in my teens, but have only recently (over the past year or so) logged back in and have been reading posts here and there but haven't posted until now. I'll be 26 this year. I have been SI free for about 6years ish (I can't actually remember exactly, I threw all my old diaries away), but still think about it and get very miserable.
Not really sure what I am trying to achieve by posting on here, just need a bit of a release I guess so it probably won't make much sense. But basically, long and short is that I am in my first year at Uni, didn't go straight after A-levels as I messed them up and pulled out all my uni applications at the time. Anyway, always regretted it so started doing some OU courses in 2010, then when all the talk started about raising tuition fees I decided to give it a go and put in some applications. Suprisingly got accepted by 4 of my 5 choices!
So I'm here, thought it would be great and meet new friends and all that jazz that everyone goes on about.......... there are some nice people on my course but I only see them in lectures, been out on two nights out and that's it. I haven't really managed to meet anyone new, I intended to join clubs and stuff but never managed to and now it's second semester and I just spend all my time in my room or in lectures. I feel so lonely but I just seem to have lost all my communication and social skills and all I want to do is hide in bed. I feel exactly like I did when I was 14 and first started SI'ing. There are only 4 1/2 weeks until the Easter break and I have loads of deadlines and have barely started anything, I have lost all motivation for study and when I do try I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. It's like deja vu of college, my first year of AS level went really well then messed up A-level. Last semester I was getting grades 65% or above, I am not going to pass anything the way I am going at the minute. I feel like a kid again and I'm nearly 26 for goodness sake, it's pathetic.
I am not a huge clubbing/going out person so it's not that I want to be out drinking all the time, but would have been nice to have a few people who I could message and say "fancy popping out for lunch/quick drink/shopping" etc.......... I don't even really know what the issue is now because I've got to the point where it's easier to be on my own cos I don't know what to say to anyone cos all that meet and greet stuff should have been done back in sept.
Anyway, second factor is I have a bf who I've been with 7 years and lived with, so things bit strained there although actually it's not too bad. Thing is I thought that getting away might actually separate us a bit as I don't think the relationship is going anywhere (that's a whole other issue in itself and can't even deal with that at the mo) but he's pretty much the only person I speak to and I actually miss him, or at least his presence, more than I thought I would.
I'm just annoyed at myself, I really wanted to make a go of this and was so geared up for it, I think I had too much of an idealistic view of what I was expecting and it's not like that so I've just deflated and feel like a teenager again. I liked my prev job and, it sounds really stupid as I say I have no social skills, but at work I got on really well with people and was good at the job, it just wasn't something I could make a career of and was only supposed to be a stop gap even though I was there 5years. Part of me was tempted to go back as I helped out over xmas as they are extremely busy, but it would just be too embarassing to do that.
I just really want to pass this year with good results, it's a foundation year and I have applied to a local uni which I will hopefully get into so next year I can be back home with my (although limited) friends and old work collegues close by so I will feel like I have a bit of a life again.
Just read this back and it doesn't make a lot of sense, considering not posting but guess I have nothing to lose. Just want to sit and cry all day. I just end up wasting time playing about on the internet. I hate my life right now, thought I would have got over feeling like this