Hi,
My therapist suspects that there is more than 1 trauma in my past.
He's right. There's more than the one thing he knows. I think he knows that he is right, but I can't tell him.
Everytime he mentions something at the least serious I dissociate.
How do I tell him if I literally can't talk about things?
Do I hurry and say one short sentence and hope that I get to finish before I dissoziate? That doesn't seem to be the right thing to do.
It's hard to write this without dissociating too much.
I'm off to do some skills and hopefully I can write more details later.
Laura
Last edited by Laura2.0 : 05-02-2012 at 02:46 PM.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I agree with the above, that writing it down may be the best idea and, maybe give it to him before he even has the chance to ask any questions, so that you can get that part over before any risk of dissociation?
Have you let him know it triggers dissociating? Maybe it would be wise to note that in what you write to him as well, so that he is prepared and aware that that is what is going on.
*safe hugs*
Do let us know how you get on, and keep talking here as much as you can.
Roibenx
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Hi,
today I told him one of the things that happened since last week and that is bothering me.
He told me that he would like me to go to a psychosomatic clinic that is specialised in trauma therapy. And he also said that therapy is always a balance of stabilisation and talking about things that are bothering. To go to ones limit and then stabilize again.
Then we were working on creating a safe place for me, a place where I can go mentally. At the end when I was supposed to come back something went wrong. First I went in a different direction, the wrong direction and I dissociated. Then I felt threatened and I think I had something like a flashback. I didn't know where I was, and I didn't know where right and left or up and down was. Then my therapist brought me back.
He borrowed me a little stone pig that I chose as symbol for being 'there' till I find something myself.
I have JuJitsu later, but I'm unsure if I should go. Part of me wants to go, because of the workout that always makes me feel better. But on the other hand I don't want to go, because it involves physical contact when we are attacking or defending.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I don't feel like I deserve a new thread as I still have this one.
When I was IP I met my best friend. She's a lot like me or I'm a lot like her... we are so similar that people always think that we are siblings or at least cousins. One person thought we were twins. She really is my closest friend. I can talk with her about things that I wouldn't tell anyone else.
Now here comes the problem: I don't feel like I deserve her. I've started to think that she would be better off without me, that she just likes me, because I know that I'm going to hurt her eventually. I feel so strong about this that sometimes all I want is to tell her that I can't be her friend again. I was about to call her and tell her that I don't have time to go swimming with her (she's about the only person who I go swimming with, because of my scars). Luckily she called me before I called her and told me that she is looking forward to meeting me etc. She keeps telling me that I'm her best friend and that she doesn't regret that she went IP for the 4th time herself because she met me there. I feel the same thing and I'm telling her sometimes, but most of the time I just think that I should distance myself from her, because I'm going to hurt her eventually. I don't want to hurt her so I have to distance myself from her, because when she's too close to her it will hurt her more.
I read that this is typical for ppl with BPD so I keep telling myself that the way I'm feeling is not real and that I shouldn't act on those feelings. But I'm still feeling strongly about our relationship. I know that it would hurt me enough to be admitted to a closed unit if she would end our friendship or something would happen to her. I think it would do the same to her if something happened to me.
/end of rant.
sorry if this isn't interesting to anyone.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Writing it down would probably be the best option. Also, for people who dissociate (myself included sometimes), it is important for their therapist to check where the client is on a pretty constant basis. This is to make sure the client is present and is actively in the safe space and is getting the help they need. Maybe you could get your therapist to "check where you are" every so often during sessions? Especially if you are discussing serious issues. I hope this helps and I hope you feel better. Trauma is one of the hardest things to come out of. *hugs*
he does check a lot where I am. Sometimes I get to stand between 2 points (being 'gone' and being 'there') to check where I am. Or he asks me how many percent I'm there etc.
I've got a letter from hospital for my GP, they copied it for my therapist after I got to read it. A lot of the things I wanted to write down is written in tehre. I'll give it to my therapist and see what he has to say about it. Maybe I'll mark it and write a comment about it?
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Right now everything is coming back. I'm feeling so bad right now, I want to start to cut again. My hands are shaking and I can't sit still for more than a few minutes. Doing skills is getting exhausting, I cleaned and rearranged my room already today. Don't know what else I could do to keep myself busy. Nothing too obvious, I don't want my family to notice too much, don't want to worry them.
Oh god, make it stop!
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
