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Old 05-11-2011, 01:48 AM   #1
bagpuss
 
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Graphic - So Alone ...

..This time last week i was beginning to feel really like harming mself badly, i have the tools, i have loads of meds for various health conditions. It got so bad on Sun i took myself off to A&E..only to have a horrible Cpn come out & moan that i should of rang them first..

..Well am sorry guys, but i did,nt want anyone at my home, apart from the fact i care for my twin, what do i say eh ? " oh this is my twin, i love her but sometimes caring is to much, so i harm myself badly because of stress..oh by the way our brother abused me"

..I just needed to get as far away from tools ect as i could to a place i felt safe..i was sobbing & all i wanted was a hug telling me it,d be ok..instead i got a frosty cow who just made me feel worthless...

..So now its the weekend again & am scared, i don,t want to self harm & just hope am strong enothe to get through the weekend, during the week am ok, i guess its because am working ect...god why is this all so hard..

..What i,d really like to do is take a tool & cut so deep it,il cut out my pain, but i can,t do that..thats why it scares me when i have thoughts like this, am playing russian roulette...not good.

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Old 05-11-2011, 01:55 AM   #2
PassedExpectations
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i'm sorry you got treated so roughly at the hospital. its really frustrating and disappointing when that happens.

do you think that you could put your tools away somewhere difficult to get too, and put things to help you cope in easy to reach places? so that they're easier to grab when you get an urge.

you can get through the weekend if you take it as it comes. worrying about things is unlikely to help you.

what is it about work that helps keep you safe? maybe you can figure out how to replicate that on your weekends (NOT saying to work over the weekend, just somehow get the quality that helps you)




this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.

The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.



PM me anytime, I love getting messages :)
Katie


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Old 05-11-2011, 02:01 AM   #3
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Thank You..

..I,ll be ok, i always am x

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Old 05-11-2011, 02:03 AM   #4
crazykat
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Sorry to hear you were treated like that at the hospital it isn't right. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment and that it is placing alot of pressure on you. Does anyone know about what happened with your brother? or is there anyone else to help support you with your sister? You shouldn't have to carry this alone. What about making an appointment with a doctor.That way you can get some extra support. Also it might help to put your tools away somewhere so they are at least out of sight if you don't feel quite ready to give them up yet.





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Old 05-11-2011, 06:51 PM   #5
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Yeah am getting support concerning my Brothers abuse, struggling abit tonight, hate the weekend, its when i feel most like harming.

Will keep busy, got app with Gp in few weeks, but abit scared, he,il know i was at A&E..hope to see Cpn before i go to see him...

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Old 05-11-2011, 08:02 PM   #6
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Are there any crafts that you can do to help? Maybe put in a long movie or read an enthralling book? Write one for that matter? Maybe go for a drive, visit an ice cream parlor or just browse the mall? I'm sorry to hear you're mistreat at the hospital and I know how that feels. I'm not really good advice, but I'll be thinking of you.

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Old 05-11-2011, 10:17 PM   #7
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Being a caregiver is HELLLLAAAA FREAKING hard..... If you haven't been in that position, you can't understand it. Kudos to you for helping out your sis. I hope you can be proud of yourself for that. :)



So your scars fade away/You soaked up the pain/A better person 'cause you lived through those days/And now you know what it's like to prove/You can overcome anything that gets to you/Well it's alright/We're sayin' our goodbyes/To the past and everything that ain't right/We won't waste another day/With all these silly things in our way-Crossfade

Light a candle for the sinners...Set the world on fire...


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Old 06-11-2011, 12:01 PM   #8
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Have you considered the advice you were given on your other thread about looking into getting some extra support from social services to take care of your sister? It is a big under-taking to be a carer for a loved one and it's important that you get some help otherwise you will burn yourself out, and who will look after her then? If you look at the NHS Carers Direct website, you'll find some contact information for places you can find some support and advice to help you to continue to care for your sister.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at A&E but I want to reassure you that you absolutely did the right thing. Did you try to explain your reasons for going straight to A&E to the CPN? Perhaps if you discuss the situation with her then you can make an action plan in case the same thing happens in the future. The last thing you need when you're feeling like that is someone moaning at you for the way you deal with it - like you said, all you needed was a hug and some reassurance and understanding.

When we're not busy with work and everything else during the weekend the emotions that rush our brains can feel overwhelming, but you have our support to help you through this. Try to get some rest and please look into what support is available to you for dealing with your sister. You don't have to keep struggling with this all by yourself. If you could try to alleviate some of that stress, I think it would make the world of difference and you can then begin to deal with some of the deeper issues, such as the abuse you suffered as a child, that cause you to feel this way.

I'm always here if you need to talk. :)



I wanted to remember this forever, you, us. I wanted to remember this and I was scared I wouldn’t, so I took a knife and I carved you into my arm and at night I’d put it under my head to keep you close. Your heartbeat next to mine, your name against my eyes. I carved you into my skin so you’d never leave and now I can’t get rid of you no matter how hard I try.


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Old 06-11-2011, 03:29 PM   #9
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Can,t think of alot to say today..

..Except thank you so much for caring xx

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Old 06-11-2011, 11:06 PM   #10
PassedExpectations
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keep posting if you need to *hugs* thinking of you




this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.

The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.



PM me anytime, I love getting messages :)
Katie


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Old 08-11-2011, 09:44 PM   #11
bagpuss
 
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This is So Hard...

..When i want to cut deep, its so scarey how deep i will go, i have not cut since 1st July, but have gone through the motions of an OD..& last week end took myself to A&E to stop myself doing something i,d later regret...
..Cpn has rung several times today but i feel so low i,ve not answered, am scared of seeing her again, i,ve not seen her for 4mths as shes been sick.

..She must be so fed up of me, being good for a few months, then down again..but its hard guys, but i know its very dangerous to keep cutting, especially when a surface cut don,t do nothing for me..just want to cry, when will it ever end, am trying so hard to keep alive..but to be honest just want to cut to the bone, but i know that won,t be enothe..

..When i last saw my Gp he upted my Anti-depressants, but i have,nt even got persciption, one because i don,t want more pills, i need to talk & 2 & a half years on list for counselling is digraceful, & two i don,t want more pills around.....

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Old 09-11-2011, 05:48 PM   #12
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That's a really long time to have gone without injuring yourself - you should be really proud of yourself. You did a very courageous thing going into A&E to seek help when you felt you were at risk of giving into those urges. I know you have your CPN but what other support systems do you have in place right now, or what other treatment are you receiving? When you decided to quit self harm, what other coping resources did you learn to rely on instead? How have you been managing to cope without it in your life? I hope you recognize the importance of finding a positive coping mechanism in your life if you are trying not to self harm. You have to remember that, ultimately, self harm is a way of dealing with the feelings you're experiencing and unless you are able to replace it with something else, you will always fall back on this outlet. One of the best coping resources is, quite simply, a human being - someone you can open up to about how you feel, someone you can rely on and who will listen to you and offer you comfort and advice.

I encourage you to pick up the phone to your CPN. I know you're feeling low at the moment but that's exactly what she's there to help you with. Why are you so afraid of seeing her again? is it just general anxiety or, as you said, because you're worried she's annoyed you're feeling low again? You need to understand that your CPN probably works with a lot of different people with mental health problems and knows that you are bound to experience both ups and downs. If she thought you were recovered, and were never going to have difficulty in the future, she would have discharged you! The very fact that she is still working with you is because you are still in need of support and so she will expect these low moments to occur now and again. Perhaps if you were to answer those phone calls and confide in your CPN about what's been happening, she would be able to push you up the waiting list for counseling.

I understand your anxiety about having more pills in the house and your general reluctance to take more medication, but if your GP has prescribed it then I do encourage you to take their advice. Counseling is a much better form of treatment for depression in the long term - you're right - but the increase in your anti-depressants may just help to keep you afloat until it is available. It would help to take the sharpness off the intensity of what you're feeling right now until you're able to make more of a step toward recovery in counseling. Plus, if you're anxious about having the medication around because of the risk of taking an overdose, speak to your GP (or pharmacist) about putting you on a seven-day, as opposed to a 28-day, prescription. This will limit the number of tablets you have in your house at any one time, and I believe it is fairly common practice concerning patients at a high risk of suicide so I'm sure your GP would be happy to do this for you.



I wanted to remember this forever, you, us. I wanted to remember this and I was scared I wouldn’t, so I took a knife and I carved you into my arm and at night I’d put it under my head to keep you close. Your heartbeat next to mine, your name against my eyes. I carved you into my skin so you’d never leave and now I can’t get rid of you no matter how hard I try.


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Old 09-11-2011, 11:55 PM   #13
PassedExpectations
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how are you doing?

your cpn will likely be more frustrated and worried and disappointed if you don't call her. by calling her you are showing that you care about getting better (which it is clear that you do) and that you are willing to take the steps to get there. i know its easy to get thinking that you're being a nuisance by asking for their help, but it is way more problematic for them if they don't know whats going on.




this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.

The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.



PM me anytime, I love getting messages :)
Katie


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