Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 18-05-2011, 10:05 AM   #1
Kimaru
Fight off the lethargy
 
Kimaru's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
I am currently:
I am REALLY sick of living with an alcoholic.

I am at my ropes end, I just can't take living here with my mom and her alcoholic boyfriend anymore. He is really disrespectful when he's drunk' which is basicly all the time. He'll turn the radio on full blast at 2-3 in the morning, make a complete mess of the house and yell all night. He usally cleans up his mess and the apologises to mom and tells her how ashamed he feels about how he acted. She buys it and lets him off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Then he goes ahead and does it again next week. If I did half the things he did, my mom would have kicked me out a long time ago but for him apparently its okay. They always promise us that he'll get help and my mom will go to Alanon meetings, we get told fairytales about going to family counselling in 2 weeks and getting things sorted out. 6 months later, none of it will have happened despite me bringing it up and reminding them nearly daily. He was supposed to move out on the weekend so he could sort out his alcoholism and he and my mom would go back to dating again. I was sooooo incredibly happy that my life would be free from all the drama and problems that come from him living with us. However, despite him sleeping on the couch for two weeks its become painfully obvious that it was just another fairytale seeing as he's moved back into my moms room instead of into a basement suite. I know that its not healthy for me to be living here much longer. I get so unbearably furious some nights that I can't stop shaking and I want to cut myself to shreds, its one of those nights but I tried hard not to cut and ended up on here instead. I can't really leave but I know I can't stay here if things stay the same, with him being and alcoholic and my mother being a classic example of an enabler. I don't make enough money to live on my own right now unless I quit school, so I was considering going to stay with my grandma. Unfortuneatley both options would mean I'd have to quit school in the end which would basicly leave me with a shitty life. I am really torn on what I should do, I can wait until either my job starts paying me a bit more or I finish school and can go to college in another city or I can move out now to my grandmas, quit my current job and my school then get a job there. I can either fight it out or run away and I really don't know what to do, I don't think I can take much more of it but on the other hand my life would be exponentially better int he future if I finish this schooling. I am really just stuck in a frustrating situation trying to make a hard decison. I would appreciate some support, maybe just someone to tell me that its going to be okay, but if not just writing this post has helped me to calm down a bit. Thanks if you even bothered to read through all of it, I know its abit long.



"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
-The Sisters Of Mercy


Kimaru is offline   Reply With Quote
5 Hugs Given By :
Old 18-05-2011, 12:21 PM   #2
Kimaru
Fight off the lethargy
 
Kimaru's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
I am currently:

Well, I guess my decisions been made for me, I went downstairs becuase I just couldn't hold in my anger anymore. I told him in a creepily calm voice that I was so mad at him that I wanted to kill him, stab him in the gut until he died. Of course this didn't go over very well. He got right in my face and started yelling at me and punching the door right beside my head, his nose was touching mine I could smell the alcohol on his breath and could feel spit hitting my cheeks. This went on for a few minutes but I wasn't scared even though I knew I should be. My mom convinced him to back away so I went into the kitchen to get some water and he followed me. He yelled about how we blame him for everything and tried to pick out our faults and make us feel as bad as I'm guessing he feels. Then he went off again because I wasn't having it, I calmly told him that his drinking is the problem right now not me and my mother. He punched the fridge beside my head so hard that it left a dent and bits of plastic flew off, kicked some cupboards until they came off their hinges, punched the ones too high to kick, threw things. The whole time he was screaming "Call the cops then! Put me in jail! Call the cops! I f&%*ing dare you!" So I said that, okay if he wanted it that way I would call the cops so I went upstairs to get my cell phone to call. What did I care if he had to spend the night in the drunk tank if he was acting like this. Our kitchen is literally destroyed. My mom followed me and said "No, don't call the cops. Don't call them" and reassuring him that I wasn't going to call. She told me to just go into my room because I was making things worse and don't call the cops. So I did what she said, I'm still sooo sooo angry right now even though I still look calm on the outside, I REALLY want to cut but I don't want to stress my mom out more. I'm supposed to be at work in 5 hours but I really want to call in sick and stay in bed especially since I was woken up by him at 1:40am and now its 5:15am and I haven't had any sleep. I would feel really guilty if I didn't go to work though, is this even an appropriate reason for missing work?

Anyways, I figure he's going to apologise and in a few days, maybe a week mom will forgive him and things will be back to normal again. But you know what, I'm not going to forgive him this time. I'm telling mom and him once he's sobered up that they have a few choices

1. He and my mom start trying to find help be it counselling, AA, Alanon or other the very next day.
2. He leaves within a week because this isn't fair to me and my younger brothers
3. If they do neither of these things, I'm going to go live my grandma.

This is her second alcoholic boyfriend and I'm sick of it. This is defineatly not a healthy enviroment for me and I need to do something about it. I hope I'm making the right decision.


Last edited by Kimaru : 18-05-2011 at 12:29 PM. Reason: Spelling


"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
-The Sisters Of Mercy


Kimaru is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18-05-2011, 04:38 PM   #3
Mayfly
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
I am currently:

I think you need to take time to make sure that the impact of his behaviour is lessened as far as you are concerned. In this situation, you will have very little control, and everything seems to indicate you will SH in reaction to the stress. The only solution I can see is that somehow you have to try and distance yourself from causes of your anger.

Now, unfortunately, itís very easy for me to say all this. I am not living your life, but then again distance lends perspective. You will never have control over this guy. He will carry on doing exactly what he wants until he gets a wake up call. The fact that he ignores your attempts to help him shows that he is only listening to that demon in his head which says, ďGet a drinkĒ. As an ex-alcoholic, I can assure you that the wants and needs of others were the furthest thing from my mind when I was drunk. It was only when I was sober that the possible results of my actions sank in, namely driving. I became terrified I would run over someone whilst still drunk, and then would have no one to blame but myself. He does not want to get help. Until he has his moment of clarity, he will never get any better. Iím painting this bleak picture to try and help you refocus your attention on you.

Please make your education a priority as well. However, going to your grandmotherís is not running away. It is providing a solution for yourself out of a situation which sounds so awful, I certainly couldnít cope with it.

Would it be a good idea to find an alcoholics support group on line and ask them for some help? Iím conscious that whilst I know about alcoholism, I donít know how people like your mum will react. She might, for example, agree with you leaving, which is not a solution either. The best solution would be for her to kick him out until he wants some help.

Another solution might be for you to find somewhere to be on your own, away from the house. Like the library? You would be able to study and be away from most of the drama. Could you join a group? Could you work more hours at your job (they might consider you for more responsibilities and therefore more pay)? A part time job, which again would provide more income?

I hope I'm saying the right things, I really want you to be happy at home, but this is one selfish so and so, and I just don't think he wants to listen. He will just be abusive, and rude and will have no qualms about hurting you (not physically - I hope - but mentally).

The stress is not helping you to focus at work, I think this once might be a valid reason for missing work, but obviosuly it can't be a continuous thing. You could go to work and see how you cope - then at least they can see you've tried.

Good luck, I really hope you find a good solution.



"What he said, but with more of a threat."
Spike, Angel season 5

It's random acts of cruelty I can't understand.

Mayfly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18-05-2011, 11:29 PM   #4
Kimaru
Fight off the lethargy
 
Kimaru's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
I am currently:

Hi, thanks for replying. A lot of what you said was really helpful. I think I will try to find a support group online and see if there are maybe some Alateen/Alanon meetings I could go to. I am out of the house pretty much everyday until late evening which unfrotuneatly seems to be the worst because he's already been drinking all day and is starting to shift from happy drunk to angry drunk. I did go to work today and even though I was really tired, it kept my mind off of things. When I got home, everything was as I thought it would be. He'd cleaned up as best as he could considering alot of stuff was broken, and he's apologised to mom and she forgave him. Again.
When I saw him all my anger came rushing back, he wanted to "at least say he was sorry." I just closed my bedroom door and said I didn't want to talk to him because I was still too angry, I knew if I looked him in the eye I'd just start screaming at him. Now I feel like I'm just being a b***h by not letting him apologise. But really, I'm sick of hearing apologies when he's just going to go ahead and do it again a month from now, a week from now. I want to tell him that his words have lost their meaning, if he wants to say sorry then he should do it with his actions. Change, get help, don't lets this happen again and once he does that, then I'll forgive him. I know he'll just promise to get help again and then never really do it, but i'm hoping it will get my feelings across to him a little bit.



"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
-The Sisters Of Mercy


Kimaru is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19-05-2011, 12:18 PM   #5
Mayfly
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
I am currently:

It's not being a b**tch, it's deciding that you have a point of view, and a stance on what's going on, and you're sticking to it. You know he's lying. The only difference is in how to move forward. I would suggest that you need to talk to him to make sure he understands that you're not just being stand offish with him, that your point of view is valid.

If he wants to stay with your family, surely he has to expect to make some sort of contribution, whether it's monetary or simply as support in the role of a father figure. I know he may not want that role, but he can't walk into your family and decide that he is going to ignore the rest of you. This is, of course, talking the very least of what could be expected of him. Ideally, he should be embracing the fact that he has a clutch of young people who may come to look upon him as a significant influence in the family.

Perhaps you could write him a letter, saying that you would like to welcome him, particularly in support of your mother, but his drinking upsets you so much you don't feel able to deal with it. At the moment, you want him gone, which is probably coming across, and he may be even more defensive because of it. If you suggest that he tries again, with the idea of stabilising the family, then the letter won't seem to be an invitation for him to get out. It will hopefully get him to think about what he's doing.

I would try and get some support quickly from other people who've been through it - whilst he isn't being physically abusive, I'm worried he might throw things around, maybe at you, if he's angry with you.

Good luck, well done about going into work - is there no one you might be able to talk to there? You could say that you have some home issues. I don't know how Human Resources work out there, over here they would at least take into account issues at home for any non-attendance etc. and if he stays with you, you may be looking at more sleepless nights.

Wishing you well.



"What he said, but with more of a threat."
Spike, Angel season 5

It's random acts of cruelty I can't understand.

Mayfly is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is OFF
Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:55 PM.

Back to top