~You bleed just to know you're alive~
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Wales, UK
I am currently:
Triggering - Over 2 years SI free
Hey I thought I would post this thread for people to see just how much a life can change.
I have been SI free for over 2 years now, I have a job, a college course I love, good friends and a mutually loving relationship with my partner of almost 3 years (by no means perfect but its mine). Sounds brilliant but go back to 3 years ago and before and it couldnt be much different.
I was abused physically, mentally and sexually by my step father (no longer in my life) but for a few years I had blocked out these memories, I used to have terrible bouts of depression for no apparent reason and was tormented by dreams I did not understand, and then the dreams took shape and then then I realised them for what they were and I was devestated. I had turned to SI because of the stress of not knowing but when I 'found out' the truth it went so much worse, i couldnt go a day without it, when my cuts got discovered and my blades were taken away i spent my time thinking of way to find and hide them, it became my crutch, then i finally found someone who i could confide in, but she had problems too, like mine and like me she SI, and i felt guilty burdening her with my problems, so instead of finding a rock, i became one and ended up cutting for her and for me.
Friends left, they all turned on me in the end, i always picked the ones who betrayed me, so it kept going for years, then as i got a little older some boys showed interest in me, and my confidence was so low i ended up letting my self get used, hoping that they would accept me only to find id fallen for a lie again and again.
Before I knew it i was 15 and had been cutting for nearly 5 years, then i found a new way to get around having my blades taken off me - i burned, i was a smoker so i always had a lighter with me and there was always a piece of metal somewhere. I also started drinking more and smoking pot, a new release. By now I thought i would be cutting and burning for the rest of my life until i got up the guts to end it, but despite all the grief my family and "friends" had caused me, i could never make myself be selfish enough to go through with it, didnt think i deserved to stop feeling the pain, felt i was just a bad person and that this was my punshment and i just had to live with it. I'd gotten good at fooling everyone, nobody knew I was unhappy anymore, I dressed "alternative" so long sleeved tops werent an unusual thing to wear even in warm weather, and i'd started harming other places too when i ran out of space, it didnt matter where i did it, the pain was all the same.
I'd stopped trying to reach out, for me SI wasn't a cry for help it was a way to feel when i felt so numb and hollow. I'd never been confident so the internet had always been my way to overcome the stresses of face to face interaction, I even bought myself a webcam to make it feel more real.
Then one day when I was 16, I started speaking to someone I couldnt fool. I never talked about my past to him, never let on there was anything wrong but he still knew, he saw through the facade that was fooling my family and people around me who had known me for years, and before I knew it I did something I had not done since I was a child - I cried in front of another person, in front of him on my webcam, he gave me his phone number and we began talking on the phone to each other, and I started opening up to him, only a little bit, but more than I had done to anybody in years, nothing about my past, just about my present and I told him about my self destructive behavior, I thought he would run a mile but he didnt, we kept talking, every night, for hours at a time and over the next couple of weeks our feelings for each other started to change.
I wouldnt dare tell him because "theres no way he feels the same, I'm just a friend to him, the same as I've always been to everyone - just a friend" but he phoned me and told me how he felt and that he'd felt it a while and he needed to know if i felt the same because it was driving him nuts and he needed to know one way or the other cos if i didnt feel the same he'd still be a friend for me either way. I knew how I felt but I was so scared, I didn't want to trust him cos everyone I trusted betrayed it, and i told him i'd call him back cos i needed to think, and i did and i realised that i didnt have a choice in the matter - I trusted him ALREADY and I just knew that couldnt pass this up because i'd forever be wondering what if? So I called him back and told him that I wanted to come meet him, and he was glad. All my friends thought i was crazy but I'd stopped caring about my self and if something happened then just tough cos I was willing to take the risk to be happy. So i made the 40 mile train ride anxious as hell - what if he didnt show and it was all just a sick joke? then when i was 10 mins away my phone rang and it was him telling me he's be around 15 mins late cos he missed his bus and i thought "oh god here goes hes not gonna turn up" but he did and i just kept waiting to be let down. I tried my hardest not to SI when we got together, but I couldnt so I did it more discretely and thought he wouldnt notice, but he did and it was really upsetting him, then after an argument one day he left the room to cool down and when he came back id cut myself really badly and he told me i had to stop for him because I was hurting him by hurting myself, and he couldnt take it. but i didnt stop and then he realised what he had to do and employed "tough love" against me and told me that if i didnt stop then he couldnt be with me because he loved all of me and that i might as well be cutting him, and the thought of losing him, after finally finding someone who really cared made me think "I've got to do this, if I dont care about myself enough to do it then do it for him because I love him enough". It was hard, and its been an up hill struggle and I've wanted to slip so many times but I kept strong, and gradually I've been getting better my self confidence although still not very high is immensely higher than before, he was soft and gentle when i needed it and tough and strong with me when he had to, and now I've got to a stage that I am a much happier person and I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and keep looking forward.
Sorry was abit long but thanks for reading!