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Old 06-06-2010, 05:28 AM   #1
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Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - How can you deal with sexual relationships after sexual abuse/rape?

hey everyone...

uh, I've got some questions to those who suffered from sexual abuse, rape, etc. in the past and also to those who live/are in a relationship with someone who has been through such things...

I hope this is not too personal but I'm really struggling at the moment, I feel unnormal, I think I'm overreacting and I really would like to hear some opinions and maybe ways to cope with it...

A few things to my background: I was raped about two years ago by a neighbour and since then, my relationship which had already lasted for more than 2 years had become quite bad. Not really bad in the ways that my boyfriend did something to me, it's just that he never realised what happened, we didn't have a lot of sexual intercourse, and it was pretty much just a very close friendship instead of a relationship. After about 1,5 years I told him what happened, the only thing he said was "oh baby, i had the feeling that something like that happened to you but i hoped it was just a wrong feeling" Well, it didn't help me at all, and half a year later he broke up because he couldn't deal with me not being able to let him get close to me. The whole two years after that we had never talked about it, hehadn't said anything about it and that he actually needed more closeness, he always said it was "fine"...
Well, now I know it wasn't.

Now, with my new boyfriend which whom I've been together for about half a year I have the same problem: I can't let him get close to me without having a very very awful feeling, I feel dirty, ashamed and I hate it when he touches me in a more sexual way. Still, I try to have sex with him because I fear to lose him if I keep rejecting him but I can't even have sex. I suffer from vaginismus, I can't even use tampons when I have my period, even fingers are too big (so I don't even go to gynaecologists because I fear the pain). Mostly I end up crying, hating myself for being such a coward and most of the time I want to punish myself. I want to hurt myself again and I want to stop thinking about sex.


During the last couple of months I've been having flashbacks of things which I can't really remember but I know that there a lot more things which happened to me but which I'm not able to remember at the moment. If it is how I think it was (and that's only according to the tings I see sometimes), my first two boyfriends were very abusive and I've never experienced a "normal" way of sexuality and intimacy before.


So my question is... how do you cope? How can you deal with your boyfriend after such incidents? Do you know how "normal" sexuality feels? Can you tell me what is appropriate and what not? Have you found a way to deal with the feelings you have about sex?
I really fear to lose him because of my lack of sex drive, is there a way to get over it?


please, if anybody could say something about it I would be so grateful

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Old 06-06-2010, 06:19 AM   #2
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I haven't actually had sex yet (so maybe it's like the blind leading the blind here), but when it comes to physical intimacy after SA, I find you need two things:

1. A loving, understanding partner you trust
2. Patience, patience, patience!

My first sexual experience was abuse, so my body learned to associate that kind of touch with feeling dirty, pain, and other unpleasant things. Unlearning it takes time and the above things.

Take it slowly at first, do only what feels comfortable. Once you can get out of your head (with anxiety, fear, flashbacks, etc.) and into your body with that (enjoying the experience), move on to scarier things. If you push yourself too far and need to stop, it's okay--let your partner know, and take a breather to calm down. Maybe even using a safe word could help.

If your partner helps you out and is understanding (as my ex was with me and my first non-abusive sexual experience), you will create a trusting bond so strong between you almost nothing can break it. Even though we are no longer dating, I would still trust that person implicitly--because he saw my darkest parts and didn't leave me or hurt me.



My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)

I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.

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Old 06-06-2010, 11:34 AM   #3
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I've got to say that I think what you're feeling is completely normal given your past abuse.

How much have you talked with your current boyfriend about your past abuse? It's important that he understands that. I would also bring up your vaginismus with him if you haven't already. My partner has vaginismus pretty badly like you do, and I know she's had a lot of bad experience with guys wanting to have sex with her despite how painful it is for her.

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Can you do things other than penetrative sex? I would understand if those things were difficult for you too, but it might be an easier thing to do than to have penetrative sex. Could you get him to go down on you, or could you go down on him? Things like that? You could help him to masturbate or just watch him masturbate. You can have a sexual experience without actually having sex. When I'm with a guy, I like to be in a situation where I know what we're doing will only be oral sex and won't lead to penetrative sex, which can make me feel safer.

It would be totally understandable if you didn't want to have sex at all right away as well, especially with your vaginismus. You could just try to get comfortable being intimate around him, such as bathing or showering with him, or massaging him or getting him to massage you without it having to lead to anything. My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex and I'm find with that. I'm happy just being intimate with her in other ways.


To be honest, sex isn't for everyone, and you may need to make your partner understand that you just have a low sex drive and may not want to have sex at all, especially with your vaginismus. That's completely understandable. Not every relationship has to involve sexual intimacy, and two people can be intimate without sex. It may be something to look into, because you shouldn't have to worry that you can't have a fulfilling intimate relationship without sex, because you can. If sex is painful for you and makes you feel bad, you shouldn't feel pressured into doing it.

If you ever want to PM me, feel free. I'm always happy to offer a listening ear :)



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Old 06-06-2010, 01:51 PM   #4
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I agree with what Rosy said.
Hopefully your partner will understand how you feel and theres always other things you could with him if you didn't want to have 'full on' sex.
As said, please don't be pressured into anything your not comfortable with.

Take care and we're all here for you. xx



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Old 06-06-2010, 02:53 PM   #5
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I think the simplest answer to how to deal with sexual relationships after SA/rpae is - slowly.

Basically I agree with what Rosy said.


My partner and I have lived together for 4 years now and we have had so many rocky patches over the whole sex thing... he knows most of my past and he is generally really understanding, but I know that it disapoints him and frustrates him even if he doesn't say so... We talked about this last wek and it ends up that he feels bad about it too, apparently when we do have sex because I don't get any enjoyment out of it he feels like he's using me... so we're in a complicated mess right now lol


have you ever had/considered sex therapy? I had it for a little bit the other year

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Old 06-06-2010, 03:38 PM   #6
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It took me almost two years to have sex with my second boyfriend and when I finally explained to him why, he was very understanding. I only ever had one flashback with him, and that was before I told him the whole story. As soon as I explained it I knew by his reaction that he would never hurt me, and I never felt uncomfortable with him again.

The next boyfriend after, however, got extremely upset and told me to get over it and stop blaming him for something he didn't do. I thought I would be okay since I didn't have a problem with my last boyfriend, but I had flashbacks with him almost every time and eventually I just couldn't do it anymore.

So what worked for me is really knowing that he understood how I felt. Just make sure you fully explain to him before having sex that you need him to be patient, if you don't he'll be frustrated and that makes it impossible to talk about it. Most importantly don't go into it with any feelings of doubt, and don't try to just push yourself to do it if you're feeling uncomfortable.

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Old 08-06-2010, 11:01 AM   #7
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Oh wow, thank you so much for your answers and your help

My boyfriend and me, we've been a couple for about 6 months now and... hm... well, he doesn't really understand how it still affects me and that his behaviour sometimes just makes it even worse...

I've given him a lot of information about dissociative disorders, PTSD and especially vaginismus but he hasn't read it... His "excuse" is: he doesn't have privacy when he uses the computer. Well, that's right - partly. There are a lot of people around here but I offered him to use my computer, sometimes there is noone around and he is just too lazy and can't be bothered reading it.. Now I offered him to print everything out (which will cost me at least 20 Dollars and that's a hell of a lot for me at the moment) and he said he didn't wanna think about that now. I said "well, I just need a yes" and he sounded very annoyed Still, I hope he'll read it...
I tried to tell him that it doesn't "go away" just because he doesn't want it to be there and because he didn't do anything to me. He doesn't understand that I can't even insert a finger and that it won't help us if we use lube... He thinks that we should try it in different positions as I had a lot of problems in the missionary but he doesn't understand that it doesn't have anything to do with the position. He doesn't get it and I don't dare to do any sexual things with him anymore.

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I told him a couple of times that it makes it even worse for me if he keeps telling me he wants to be inside me and f*ck me really hard and that he wants to come into my pussy. Or when I give him blowjobs he wants to guide me in pushing my head in the way he likes it. When I give him handjobs he keeps telling me how hard my tight pussy makes his d*ck and it is just awful for me

I mean, I know he doesn't want to hurt me, I think he doesn't realize how much pressure this sets on me and I'm sick of telling him...
He's had girlfriends with a sexual abuse past before so I actually thought he would have more of a clue than he has... Well, maybe I just expect too much, both of them used to work as prostitutes and I think he doesn't know how other survivor's behave...


He usually is quite understanding, I told him quite early what happened as I even refused to kiss him. But I think he still doesn't really understand. Or he just doesn't want to be confronted with it... I don't know..


hmm.. that sounds really awful i guess but still i love him very much and i really hope we can do it together and we both can grow on it...

i just have the feeling that i'm overreacting and make things worse than they are.

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Old 08-06-2010, 06:57 PM   #8
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I can really understand how you are feeling because I have the same problem with my boyfriend and I find it really hard.

First of all I wanted to say that what you are feeling is normal after SA, it is understandable and a natural reaction to the terrible things you have been through.

Are you getting any professional support at the moment?

It sounds like your partner is reluctant to find out more about what you are going through. I don't know what the reasons are for this, but it is a difficult thing to explore these issues about someone you love. It's painful for them too to know what we have been through and the consequences it is having on us now. But I really think he does need to find out what you are going through. It's really important. Could you talk to him about how it makes you feel when he talks dirty etc during sex?

From what I have heard/ read, a good approach is to get used to intimacy without the assumption that it will lead to full sex. Massages, baths, lying in bed together, kissing - just getting used to affection and physical intimacy without it leading to sex. I don't know how your partner would feel about that, but for me I relax loads more and actually enjoy being intimate if I know it's not just expected of me that I will have sex.

Take care and be kind to yourself xx

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Old 08-06-2010, 08:11 PM   #9
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Can you ask him why he doesn't seem to want to read the information you have given him? Does it make him feel upset or uncomfortable? It's understandable if it does, but that doesn't mean what you are feeling will go away if he doesn't acknowledge it. Can you tell him how important it is that he understands?

I also agree with what banana89 said: it could be very helpful to be intimate with him, but know that it won't lead to sex. Could you explain that you need to feel safe to be intimate with him before you can even consider sex? You should definitely explain that him talking dirty makes you feel unsafe and brings up bad thoughts too.



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Old 08-06-2010, 08:19 PM   #10
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I didn't deal with it.
At the time I hadn't realised I had been sexually abused because I never questioned my past... But the last time I had a boyfriend (2 years ago) everytime we did stuff I'd shake afterwards and I'd shake before doing it as well... I never understood why at that moment in time... But I do now.
Now I can't bear letting someone get that close to me again, even though I've had sex with 3 people... I've gone totally in on myself, and don't even want someone holding my hand, let alone getting that intimate with someone ever again.
I'm hoping to get over it... But chances are it's going to stick with me for a while.
I've seen people since my last boyfriend but never got into a full relationship with them because they kept walking away from me.
I'm a bit problematic when it comes to my emotions, I've never been able to fully deal with them.
The last guy I kissed triggered a flashback, and I don't want to go there again.
I don't know what I'll do, but I hope it works out for you :)

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Old 08-06-2010, 08:26 PM   #11
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I agree with Rosy, I think you should ask him why he is avoiding reading the information. The best thing is to talk to to him about it and try to keep the communication open.

Kitkat, are you getting any professional help to help you to come to terms with what you have been through? *Hugs*

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Old 08-06-2010, 08:29 PM   #12
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On the possitions thing: When they thought that I had vaginismus (before they looked into and found I didnt) I got sent to see a sex therapist and she said that for some people a change in possision can help. She said that the problem with missonary is that the woman has little-no control over whats going on and can feel almost trapped which increases the axiety and fear and so increases the pain. I was told to try being on top (I can't remember the names of possitions) as then I'd feel more in control of what was going on.




It's possible that he just doenst want to deal with all this... I know in the past my partner and I have had trouble with him feeling upset about what happened to me and so refusing to listen/understand about it all. And a few times he's essentially said that we are both too young to be dealing with these sorts of problems - ye, good for him, but unfortuantly I have no choice I HAVE to deal with it.



I also agree with:

Quote:
From what I have heard/ read, a good approach is to get used to intimacy without the assumption that it will lead to full sex. Massages, baths, lying in bed together, kissing - just getting used to affection and physical intimacy without it leading to sex. I don't know how your partner would feel about that, but for me I relax loads more and actually enjoy being intimate if I know it's not just expected of me that I will have sex.

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Old 08-06-2010, 08:33 PM   #13
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I agree with Shadow about positions. About a week ago me and my partner had sex with him from behind and it completely screwed me up and I'm still feeling really weird about it. But if I'm on top it helps me to feel more in control.

Personally though I'd be quite happy never to have sex.

I think the important thing is working on connecting sexual stuff with love and affection, instead of connecting it with bad emotions and situations from the past.

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Old 08-06-2010, 08:59 PM   #14
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Quote:
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I agree with Shadow about positions. About a week ago me and my partner had sex with him from behind and it completely screwed me up and I'm still feeling really weird about it. But if I'm on top it helps me to feel more in control.

Personally though I'd be quite happy never to have sex.

I think the important thing is working on connecting sexual stuff with love and affection, instead of connecting it with bad emotions and situations from the past.
Definitely: I go through periods when I really enjoy having sex, but I can't have sex in the missionary position at all. It really freaks me out. Changing positions might not necessarily help, but it might help your anxiety somewhat. However, it seems like there a lot of wishes you may have to deal with before you can have sex at all. I'd work on being able to be intimate on some level before even thinking about having sex. Vaginismus will certainly cause a lot of problems too. Could you see anyone about this? Doctor etc? They're definitely not going to do anything that will hurt you if that's what you're worried about, I'm sure you can just talk to them to start with. It might help you understand what's going on a bit better?



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Old 08-06-2010, 10:14 PM   #15
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I'm starting DBT, not sure if that'll deal with it though

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Old 08-06-2010, 11:34 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat :) View Post
I'm starting DBT, not sure if that'll deal with it though
My DBT definitely doesn't deal with any issues like this. It's more about regulating your own feelings, learning to look after yourself, and teaching you how to be effective in relationships, such as relationships with co-workers or family members. It also helps you learn ways to tolerate distress with self-harming/other behaviors. Some aspects of it are very helpful, but I don't know if it directly relates to issues like this.



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Old 09-06-2010, 12:07 AM   #17
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Oh, hmm. I read on Wikipedia that recent research showed that it was effective for survivors of SA.
Still.
I'll talk it over with her, or something.

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Old 09-06-2010, 09:23 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat :) View Post
Oh, hmm. I read on Wikipedia that recent research showed that it was effective for survivors of SA.
Still.
I'll talk it over with her, or something.
I'm a survivor of various kinds of SA and I find it very helpful, but it doesn't directly deal with the issues raised in this post. It does things like help you cope with negative emotions in a more positive way, helps you understand why you're feeling certain things... I've found since doing it I can identify my triggers much better, and I've been coming up with better ways to cope than self-harming behaviors.



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Old 09-06-2010, 12:42 PM   #19
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I'm having ED therapy which is fairly CBT-based, and I'm also having psychotherapy. In the short term it's really hard talking about my issues but it's a good type of therapy to allow space for just going through memories.

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Old 10-06-2010, 11:24 PM   #20
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Hey,

I just wanted to give my two pence on the subject...

My previous partner, who i was with for 3 1/2 years, didnt understand at all. when i told him some of my past, he said that he would go round to 'his' house with a baseball bat. i guess that was his way of dealing with it - but completely unhelpful to me. we had an awfullllll sex life. i felt like i had to have sex with him, and he moaned and moaned if i didnt sleep with him for a while. he never understood how painful and horrible it was for me sometimes, and sometimes i would start crying while i was having sex with him. it wasnt fantastic, to say the least. i never really found we had much chemistry as well, which i think is really important.

however, with my current partner - its completely the opposite. we have loads of chemistry, and he knows all about my past. he is so gentle and caring and i never feel pressured by him to do anything i dont want to do. he has even said that he would be happy never having sex, but just doing other things instead. (obviously i dont 100% believe him, but its a nice gesture nonetheless!). he is always really careful when we have sex not to do anything that i dont feel comfortable with.

i never knew that someone could be so understanding and caring with regards to sex. so i just wanted everyone to know basically, that there ARE people out there who can understand. and there ARE people out there who will care and do the best they can to make you not only feel comfortable, but also enjoy having sex.

I havent quite got to the bit where i enjoy it, and i always am in a bad mood after we have had sex, and quite like to be on my own, but he is always really understanding. if we ever have to stop for some reason, he goes and gets my clothes for me, and gives me some space. i would say that i enjoy being intimate with him, and hopefully, with time and patience, i might even start to enjoy having sex one day. Im hopeful anyway...

I really hope you manage to sort out the problems you are experiencing with your partner at the moment.

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