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Old 30-04-2010, 05:16 AM   #1
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Triggering (Abuse) - Survivors of Sibling Abuse Thread

"According to Dr. Vernon Wiehe, professor of social work at the University of Kentucky and author of "Perilous Rivalry: When Siblings Become Abusive", as many as 53 out of every 100 children abuse a brother or sister, higher than the percentage of adults who abuse their children or their spouse. What some kids do to their brother or sister inside the family would be called assault outside the family."

I have decided to create this thread because as a survivor of physical, sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of my older brother, I often felt very alone and didn't even recognize it as abuse for a long time. I set this up to connect with other survivors and help them realize that they are not alone. It's not just "sibling rivalry;" it's something far more painful and damaging.

What puts ordinary rivalry over the line into abuse?

Here are a couple of questions to ask about the behavior:

-Is it age appropriate? (as in, it is appropriate for three- and four-year-old siblings to progress immediately to hitting and kicking in an argument, who haven't yet learned how to communicate effectively when they're angry. It is abusive when this is the first reaction for teenagers).

-Is there consistently one sibling doing it to another?

-Has the sibling who the behavior is being done to acting strangely? (avoiding their sibling, showing changes in eating/sleeping patterns, mood swings, bad grades, etc.)

-Is the behavior drawn out over a long period of time? (even normal name-calling and shoving can escalate if left alone and not addressed)

It's real, it's far more common than people want to believe, and we are here to support each other in recovery.

My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)

I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.

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Old 07-05-2010, 07:18 PM   #2
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This is a good post to this thread PaleMoon..

My brother is always cranky at times when he is having a bad day likes schoolwork or pretty much other things like that..

He always name-calling me but teasing me was okay but I don't mind it so but, I do loves my brother even though he was cranky or something like that. He got angry at me for saying something stupid but I wasn't doing anything for him or any other family members that I shouldn't do..I was doing the right thing instead of the wrong things..I swear, I did the right thing but they are wrong!

He sometimes acting like a cranky as a bear but he is a really good guy though..

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Old 09-05-2010, 05:20 AM   #3
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This is helpful...
My older brother molested me and physically/emotionally abused me for years before my mom kicked him out. I had repressed the memory for years, and only remembered in Seventh grade, after that came the reclusiveness, crying all the time.. I was depressed, wanted to kill myself even when I couldn't remember. I remember wanting to kill myself when I was ten years old. How is that okay?!
Yet my parents act like it's nothing. Like I need to forgive him just because he said he was sorry. It's disgusting that they think it's 'not a big deal'. I feel like they hate me sometimes. I hope the message gets out to parents, to be more on the lookout for this type of thing. Because it is NOT okay to allow your children to do this to eachother, and it needs to stop.

I'm staring in the mirror looking back at the person I hate.

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Old 10-05-2010, 02:00 AM   #4
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*wanders in*

I was tormented, bullied, beaten up & raped by my older brother for years....

*wanders out*

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Old 16-05-2010, 03:10 AM   #5
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I was sexually abused by both my brothers.... :(

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Old 16-05-2010, 03:14 AM   #6
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*offers hugs to all on the thread*

I don't really belong here, my half-brother is 6 years younger than me but he used to be VERY aggressive physically attaking me and my mum, he even stabbed me once. But don't think it was really abus abuse, more his reaction to how our parents treated him.

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Old 21-05-2010, 09:40 AM   #7
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*Hugs* to everyone who replied. Thanks for being so brave.

My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)

I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.

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Old 21-05-2010, 05:14 PM   #8
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I'm very familiar with this. I suffered abuse of all kinds at the hands of *my parents son* - I dont refer to him as my "br.....", as to me, thats a title you have to earn, plus I dont like people relating me to him in any way!

What annoys me, is that when I tried to tell people when I was younger, I always got told it was "normal for siblings to fight"! A ex-friend used to say he always "fights" with his sister so he understands, which annoyed me as he didnt understand. Could never! All he had were the occasional argument, he loved his sister, they never actually "fought".

The worst thing about depression — the thing that makes people phobic about it — is that it’s a foretaste of death. It’s a trip to the country of nothingness. Reality loses its substance and becomes ghostly, transparent, unbelievable. This perception of what’s outside infects the perception of the self, which explains why depressed people feel they aren’t “there.” -Chase Twichell

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Old 29-05-2010, 04:50 AM   #9
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I saw my brother today. It's so weird whenever I look at him. My two feelings about him--loving him as a great big brother and being scared of/angry at him as my former abuser always collide. I hate it and I wish it would go away.

My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)

I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.

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Old 29-05-2010, 11:18 AM   #10
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hello. i don't come in this forum much, but i did today and saw this thread. i'm not ready to share much right now, but i wanted to say hi and thank you for making the thread. well done to everyone who posted.

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Old 29-05-2010, 08:10 PM   #11
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I've been abused by my elder "sister" ( I really don't like to refer her as my sister, because she isn't one... not to me... ) for a long time, every type but sexual abuse... still happening... but she's moving out in October(I hope...) so hopefully she'll be out of my life for good, or at least less able to hurt me.

My step brother sexually abused & assaulted me, but I no longer see him, haven't for many years, he lives with my biological father, and as he is no longer in my life, neither is my step brother.
We did get on really well when we first met though... but then... stuff happened... & it really made me feel uncomfortable/insecure/scared/vulnerable...
He has ADHD - quite a severe form of it, I'm not sure if that played a part in any of this... but, I actually feel sorry for him, one reason being he has to live with my father... but another part of me is very upset & resents him...
I'm not sure, it's really confusing.
I try to avoid thinking about it... but the memories are very blurred & fragmented as it is, so I don't think I can handle it anyway.

I'm really glad this thread was made, it helps to know others are out there who really can understand.

Everyone take care now, & keep posting in here. It might help.

In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.

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Old 14-11-2010, 09:47 PM   #12
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Here in Belgium a 16-year-old girl bashed her sister's head in with a heavy metal object. No-one understands what possessed her to do that. She's being assessed by psychiatrists as we speak as she doesn't know what got into her either. And her parents are torn between the victim and the perpetrator.

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Old 14-11-2010, 10:24 PM   #13
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My (younger) sister is controlling the family. She is making the 'rules'.
The parents just do what she is saying and no1 is stopping her.
It has come to the point where she is telling others to blow their nose and how they have to eat.

You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.

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Old 14-11-2010, 11:25 PM   #14
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hey, thanks for sharing all your storys, thankfully I have never had any abuse from my brother, but my partner was sexually abused by her older brother, she doesnt talk about it (unles she is drunk and has only broken down twice in the 3years we have been together) She was only 4 when it happened and he was 7 it carried on for a few months until the eldest brother caught him hurting my partner.
Id really like to understand any way I can help her, shes so shut off from it but it still affects her, so if anybody has any advise id be greatful :) x

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Old 16-11-2010, 09:04 PM   #15
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i was abused by my younger brother, i blame myself, im the oldest i should have had the knowledge he had, i should have stopped him instead of pretending to be asleep everytime... i should have known when he took advantage of my cousin, i should have told mum when i saw him with my mums friends daughter, i should have done something when he almost did with my best friend... and yet he is still my mothers special boy and im just as much to blame as him in her eyes, when she found out about him and my cousin in was bad then he told her about me and i cant remember anything but how i was histerically crying saying sorry and how he didnt give a ****, its never been spoken of since and im just left confused and guilty

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Old 29-11-2010, 06:53 AM   #16
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[just made a thread about this, but then was directed here]

Originally Posted by GoodieCornbread View Post
I have a brother who is two years younger than me, and he bullies me to no end. He makes fun of me for just about everything; not just poking fun, but telling me how worthless I am, and how I don't do anything. I'm fat, I'm lazy, I can't "handle" my illness (I'm on meds for my depression, while he refuses to take anything for his anxiety because he doesn't need pills to "control his life"), I am a failure at school, have no friends, I don't accomplish anything...

The odd thing is, he is 18, not in school, no job, and cannot drive. All of his friends are in high school still. Yet all of these things he still points out in me. And it still gets to me.

He's stopped lately, my parents really got on him. It got to the point where I was hurting myself after our fights, and even thought about seeing my therapist again. He never physically hurts me, just bullies me.

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Old 29-11-2010, 10:14 AM   #17
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My younger sister will willingly admit that her favourite past time as a kid was to pin me to the floor and punch me repeatedly in the head. Then as a (younger) teenager she went through a phase of strangling people when she was pissed off. Now I'm trying to get her to acknowledge the time she nearly broke my ribs.

I guess I'm lucky that she'll admit to some of it, so it doesn't feel like I'm making things up or going crazy. Our parents don't know about it though, and every discussion we have we treat it like a joke, so there's probably never going to be a serious confrontation about it.

I still don't know how to feel about it. And everyone always laughs when she makes a sudden movement and I still flinch.

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Old 16-01-2011, 10:18 PM   #18
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When I was 6 or 7 my brother abused me. He was 3 yrs older than me. It went on for two weeks till my mom found out. I was then forced to leave my mom and brother for a few weeks till my brother got help. It hurt to be away from my mom

I have forgiven my brother and we r now pretty close. I found out later that my brother was being abused by a classmate. My mom used that as an excuse.

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Old 17-01-2011, 01:02 AM   #19
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I was a horrible big sister.

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Old 27-11-2012, 07:32 PM   #20
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I registered on this site specifically for this thread. I mean I'm not going to tell a long story of what happened to me but I'm in desperate need if a support system. I was 9, my brother was 13-14 when it started. I held it in and blocked it out for 12 years. Last year my marriage failed, horribly, during this time I was having a lot of nightmares and panic attacks because the situation with my marriage brought up the situation from my past. Then I attempted suicide. Now I feel like I'm starting from the beginning because my family now knows and it feels like the abuse just happened. I've realized what happened to me has molded me into who I am today and I hate every bit of myself. My family hates who I am too but they think it's just me being an irresponsible, immature, stupid b**ch (their words). I guess to generalize, I'm pretty positive I have borderline personality disorder. If you wanna know specifically what my life is like, just google bpd symptoms/characteristics. That's me. So I understand why my family can't handle me but then where's the support? I just don't want to feel alone in this anymore or like all I am is a defective mistake and what's the point. Anyway....hey everybody :\

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