You see, I am the queen of faces.
No, just one face. A mask. I put on the mask of having it all together, being always happy, always friendly. It is part of my morning routine. Wake up. Get ready to go to school, or church, or wherever. And then make sure I look like everything is alright, like I have it all together. When what people donít see, is that thus face, this mask, is the only thing in my life that is anywhere close to having it all together.
Sometimes, I try to take my mask off, but it wonít come off! I pull! And I pull! AND I PULL!
But it doesnít budge; it only makes it stick on even stronger. This mask is sucking the life out of me! It only comes off at night as I cry myself to sleep. And every morning it hurts a little more when I put the mask back on, I am just dying to just leave it at home.
But I canít.
I will always regret the first time I put on this mask, now it haunts me every day, every moment. The mask black mails me, brings me down, it is the only one who knows who I actually am, what I actually feel. It is the only one who knows my secrets, the only one who sees my self-inflicted scars. It tells me every day just as I am about to win, to let people see who I am, that they won't accept me. They won't understand, no one will see me the same again. And I believe him!
It feels like this mask is eating at me every time I take a breath! This stupid mask! Once you put it on there is no going back!
On the outside, I am confident, I am patient, I have it all together, everything is perfect, and it is who I am longing to be.
But on the inside, it is a different story, something only the mask sees. In all actuality I am self-conscious, I worthless, I am stupid and never good enough. On the inside I am a failure, not worth loving or caring about. On the inside, I am alone.
I am falling apart, this mask is the only thing holding me together. I just want to scream, and cry, and to let everyone know who I really am! I want to see who is really there for me, not there for who the mask makes me be. But this stupid mask, my master, this dictator, he says no, and I must obey his every command.
Maybe, someday, I will win this fight; I will over throw this cruel ruler.
But until then, when you ask me how I am doing, I will tell you everything is just fine. I will lie right through my teeth. But will you, will ANYBODY, be able to see through this mask? Will anybody see the truth?
I wrote this monologue a while ago... before I started cutting myself (I added in the cutting part just recently) and when I was going through some of my old writings I came across it...and I realized that it explained perfectly how I was feeling. When I wrote it everything in there wasn't true... I wrote it before the most important person to me left my life, now I am alone...now this monologue is true...