I wonder what you think about now, three years after it ended. Do you feel guilty? Have you managed to fool yourself to believe the lies that you've told everybody else, or do you lie awake at night horribly aware of what you've done, of what you are?
I could have forgiven the abuse, really I could, if you hadn't lied to the world and taken my family away in one fell swoop. Be a man, step up and tell the truth. Please? I need that.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
[''There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
I don't feel comfortable to face the abuse (my couins) but, I don't think I could forgive him for that one but I really don't want to..It's not that easy to get out of my head and other things that describe my life was a mess but, I'm always happy go luck girl! I wouldn't have to near him anymore just because he is not part of my life..
Mabye, I might get it so not sure if I makes the right thing to do..
For years, I told myself I hated you. I told myself I didn't want or need anything from you, that the world would be a better place if you just disappeared forever.
That was the truth. It just wasn't the whole truth. I never hated you for what you did. I would have endured any of those things gladly if it meant that you would love me. My secret wish for all those years was never for someone to come along and save me, take me away. That would have been better than nothing, but it wasn't what I really wanted. I used to pray every night for a miracle, for you to have a change of heart and begin to love me. I used to pray that I could somehow be good enough for you. I thought that if only I were better, everything would be okay--and I hated myself for it. I gave you everything I had--my opinions, my free will, my mind, my body--and it was never enough. No matter how much I gave, you never had anything to give me in return, and that was why I hated you--because I loved you, and you didn't love me.
Today I (usually) know that it wasn't my fault. I know you're psychologically incapable of the things I wanted you to feel. But I'm still angry, and hurt, and part of me wants to know what the heck you were thinking when you decided to reproduce. It wasn't fair to me or my brother--all children have basic needs, and love is one of them. For that matter, it isn't fair to any of the women you've dated, either. Or the other people that have cared about you.
And I am still hurt, and still angry. But you know what? I've started praying for that miracle again, because when it comes down to it this isn't fair for you either. You're sick, and you need help. I want to see you get better so there's a little less pain in the world, for everyone involved.
You're the one who should be ashamed, not me. But I know what it's like to feel ashamed and out of control. I've made so many mistakes and hurt so many people myself...I just hope you can learn to live with yourself. I really do. If you do ever actually change? I'll be here.
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have you EVER even think about what you did and how it effected me!!!!!?? i can still feel your hands all over touching my body i can still feel you tonge in my mouth........... do you know how many times i lied for you!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NO ****ING IDEA HOW MUNCH YOUR SO CALLED "LESSONS" HURTED ME YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE YOU ONLY PERSON BESIDES MYSELF WHO I I WILL HATE TILL HELL FREEZES OVER!!!!!!!!! YOUR THE REASON WHY I FEEL UNDESERVEING OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! though you never got reported by me I hope you ****in burn in hell you ******** I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!
we are the fallen
we are the wounded
we are the shattered
we are the unheard
we are the brave
we are the strong we are Survivors. and..... we are the future
we fallen can still rise by the wings of hope that lifts us~
I just wish, for once, you'd help me. Just take a little bit away. I only asked for a little bit, a few years ago. You said you'd give it to me but you strung me along for months and months. Why couldn't you just tell me "no", if you had no intention? I guess you liked me chasing you along like a little puppy at your feet.
It makes me feel like you want to torture me. Because you could have so easily helped, just a tiny bit. I wish you didn't still attempt to manipulate me, even as an adult. It won't work anymore. I'm wiser. I'm not three anymore. You're not that strong.
Maybe you don't believe me. You still have all the power. I'm still scared you'll come for me. I'm not scared you'll physically hurt me anymore, even though you're so old now I still would imagine you're physically stronger than me, but I'd never put myself in that position again, unless you cornered me unawares. I'm scared what you'd do to my head. I've never known someone so adept at head****ing.
Leave me alone. Or help me. Really help me.
Sometimes I wonder if you loved me. Whether you did what you did because you loved me. Or whether you did it because you hated me. My strongest instinct is that I was nothing to you at all, except a bendable little dolly. Did you mean to break my mind?
The thing that scares me the most is that you could do it to other children. I know you've done it to others beside me. You're clever enough to hurt people's brains in a way that could never lead you to conviction. If I could, I would take you to court just to make sure you never did it again. But you know too much about me now... though you were never supposed to find out.
Karen. And Peter. You're the only ones I feel capable of writing to. The others.. the others I'm still undecided on whether I asked for it.
But you two started it. Best case scenario - you made me vulnerable. Worst case scenario - you turned me into this, you made me dirty.
Karen, sometimes I try to excuse you. I tell myself that you were young too, that you didn't know what you were doing - but you did. It's scary but you did. You probably didn't know the consequences of what you did, but you knew what you were doing to a girl younger than you who was bullied every day, innocent, confused. I didn't understand people. To this day I wonder if I SHOULD go for the aspergers test, because I haven't changed one bit. I trusted everyone, and you made it so that I trusted no-one. What's more, our mothers saw each other twice a week. I saw you six days out of seven. You knew what you were doing when you did what you did to me when I was my most insecure. You knew that after an hour of being paraded round in a one-piece trying to cover my wobbly bits my self-esteem was at its lowest. You took that self-esteem, turned it to your own ends, and destroyed it entirely in the process. And you knew what you were doing.
Every now and then facebook tells me to Friend you. The bitterest part of it is that if I added you, you wouldn't even remember my name or recognise my picture.
You. I understand you, I think. You were just Bad. I wasn't special, or bad, for what you did to me, because I was one of a dozen children, girls and boys, aged between twelve and eighteen. You knew that the only reason we kept going back was for Rachel and Chris, and you used that against us. The most selfless and pure and innocent decision any of us made, and you used it against us. What if we'd told. What if the stress had killed her? The guilt? Because she would have pursued it to the end, and it WOULD have killed her. And the only reason we kept going back was so that she wouldn't sense something was amiss, and take over the group again, even though she was in and out of hospital. We were GOOD. We were GOOD and you turned us into sex toys in your little game. You turned us against each other. You told us the other ones were talking about us, and the one person who tried to spare me? You raped him, within earshot, so that we would all know.
I would ****ing report YOU if you hadn't been fired anyway, for turning up ****ing drunk.
I had one thing going for me, and that was my faith. That was my place in the church choir where I BELONGED.
I remember hinting to the priest during confession and him turning up to every other session, doing his best. I remember him doing his best, and doing everything he could, because he wasn't allowed to tell because none of us had the guts to talk about it outside of the confessional.
I remember that, but I don't believe it, because now the whole of christianity is tarred with the same brush and YOU DID THAT! all the jokes, all the innuendos. even patrick made jokes about catholics, until i told him about you. and then it was too shocking and disgusting because it was real, and now he never even makes jokes but if somebody mentions religion or christianity his eyes go all hard and narrow. and you did that. i'm EXACTLY the sort of person who could find hope in faith. i'm EXACTLY the sort of person who would end up with nothing but religion, and be pottering around age 80 changing the flowers in the sacristy
and you destroyed that.
and you know what? i'm right about myself. because now there's NOTHING. theres nothing. i wake up every day and try to go back to sleep to kill as much time as possible until the next day comes and i can pat myself on the back for still being alive
and you did that
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I only have one question for you.
Why didn't you kill me? You saw me lying there, sobbing desperate to die. Why didn't you put me out my misery once you had your way. Maybe I could have forgiven you then.
I hear your voice playing over in my head. All the things you said to me that night. How you laughed and asked if you were hurting me and how you enjoyed the fact that it hurt because you thought you were the big man.
Do you know how humiliating it was for days after when it was agony to sit down or to go to the toilet. What did you do afterwards? Did you even think twice about it? Do you know how ashamed I am to even think about how you did it. Where you put it. The thought of anyone ever touching me makes me feel sick.
you were supposed to protect me. instead you damaged me more than anyone else could have. and now i have to live with you, pretending nothing ever happened and i love you because i have to, but i just want you to know that when i'm afraid to shower, or change, or when i wake up in the middle of the night all panic-e, it's because of you. good job. great parenting. bitch.
First off I am sorry for using you... I know that was wrong, but I was desperate, I was homeless and you put down all these conditions and terms so I felt I had no choice... I know it was wrong
But that does NOT excuse all you did... words cannot even begin to explain the damage you did. I still have scars from your attacks, I am still convinced that you are going to come through the door at any second, I am so so scared of physical contact... the list goes on...
I should never have used your past and mental health as an excuse for your behaviour... yes I know you were abused, but why did that give you a right to abuse me??? Why’d that give you the right to hospitalise me? To rape me? To destroy my self-worth? To destroy everything I cared about? To kill my cat??? I will never forgive you for that, Ivy had done NOTHING wrong, she was a defenceless animal and you killed her! Even now I struggle not to cry thinking about what you did to her.
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Sometimes... just sometimes I am almost glad I lost our children... I mean I miss them, I miss them terribly, everyday... but at least they did not have to know a father like you. They deserved to live, but they also deserved to be loved, an emotion that you are NOT capable of.
You destroyed my life, pulled apart my dreams, and ruined my future...
You are a filthy piece of ****, you do not deserve the love you get from your girlfriend. Does she even know about us?
I do not wonder how you are, or what you are doing. I wonder how you can live with yourself, knowing full well how much you hurt me. No appology or nuthing. I wouldn't have or ever will forgive you, but it would have been a nice thought.
Do you ever think about me? Cuz I think about you all the time, and i HATE it. I wish I could erase you from my memory, but I don't think that will happen..
In closing, again you are a filthy piece of **** who dosen't deserve to be happy, i wish you the worst.
What was I? Was I special, as you originally led me to believe, or was that a lie designed to get a child into your bed? Was I just a spur of the moment decision, in the wrong place at the wrong time when you came looking for someone to get your rocks off with? Did I mean anything to you beyond a quick **** and a porn source?
Would it have been better if I had the courage to talk when it started? How about now? Will I really destroy my family? Will they even believe me? Or will everything go according to your plan, and I'll destroy the last shred of connection I have with them by daring to speak up about what you put me through?
I have others in here with me. That's how much you hurt me; you created the conditions in which we were hurting so much that we had to split ourselves to survive. So many stories hidden away that I guess only you can tell, as I sure as hell don't hold the memories.
I don't know how I feel about you anymore. I used to love you. Part of me still does, and excuses your actions and wants to protect you - at the cost of my mental health. Some of me hates you, and if you could hear the revenge they come up with I think you'd flee to the end of the earth if you ever thought it were possible we'd follow through with it. And some of me is indifferent; just wanting to forget, to bury it away.
All I can say is it's not fair. I think you should be hurting as much as I am right now; you initiated it after all. You were 49... and I was 6. You should never have hurt me.
The biggest question I have right now, is did you hurt anyone else?
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx