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Old 08-04-2015, 03:49 PM   #1
OrchestraSystem
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Contains sexual abuse - I hate nightmares.

Trigger warning for child on child sexual abuse. Be careful in general please <3

This has a lot of DID references and plural pronouns, sorry if this is confusing to read.

About a week ago we ran into someone who looked like (and could have been) the boy who raped us when we were 10 - we didn't stick around for long enough to find out if it was really him because we got too triggered. It seems to have set off some nightmares about him and I had repeated nightmares about him last night.

One was a flashback of what he actually did to us. Abuse detail, be careful: We were sleeping because we weren't well, he came over and was let upstairs because no one knew we were asleep. He woke us up to being pinned down with his hands down out pajamas and proceeded to make sure we were quiet otherwise he'd get angry. He went on to rape us and held his hands over our mouth while he did it so no one would hear. He brought party poppers with him and set them off all over our room as if he was celebrating what he did, he poured a packet of glitter confetti over us and kicked some things over, then he left. He was our friend and then after that he bullied us and called us fat and disgusting all the time. He made us feel like we were awful and dirty for what he did. That incident unfortunately wasn't even close to the first time we'd been sexually abused, and we had another alter created through it to enjoy that sort of thing since it seemed to happen a lot. End of abuse detail.

Suggested rape, be careful: Then after that I had a dream that started off with our abusive ex being there and he got his friend to collect him and his friend hated us for calling our ex abusive. He was fairly awful to us and that part was upsetting enough (because we lost that friend over the revelation about our ex). After that we told our friend J about the incident when we were 10, we didn't know they lived in the same building and J found a way to digitally contact him and tell him off for what he did to us. The boy found out we'd told J and knew where J lived, so he had his friends come over to get us and said what happened before was barely rape but he'd show us what real rape was. He had his friends hold us down and I woke up just as he was about to actually do it. End of trigger.

I woke up incredibly dissociated. These aren't my memories by any means and I know they were another alter's dreams, not mine.. but I'm still really shaken up by it. I feel like we're rapidly switching between alters, I don't know if I'll stay out because we feel so unstable and triggered right now. Our fibromyalgia has flared up massively because of all the stress and upset this has set off for us. I'm in so much pain and I feel like my head is so full, I feel dizzy and sick. I have this overwhelming feeling of "what he did to us wasn't that bad, obviously it had to be worse to be rape" because of what he said in the nightmare. I know it isn't my feeling, I know it was rape but it's upsetting to feel someone else in the system doubt themselves so much.

I hate nightmares. I absolutely despise them. It's bad enough we went through any of what we did, we honestly don't need to have flashbacks and nightmares to top it all off.. This is topping off last week's abuse-related nightmares every night that were spread through a lot of the system. Fantastic stuff, brain, you're being an asshole, we don't need to remember this stuff.

Is there any way to get these nightmares to stop? Or a way to make them better? We rarely wake up from them enough to actually be consciously aware we're awake and we often just fall back to sleep again and the nightmares continue. So we can't soothe ourselves between nightmares, we just have to wake up after a night full of them most of the time. Is there something we can do before bed or something we can do in the morning to help? My brain is so messy feeling and I don't know what would help, I have so little energy left and I'm not sure what to do.

Nik (somewhat).



.a DID system. there are so many.


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Old 08-04-2015, 04:08 PM   #2
shadow-light
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nightmares are awful things. I've never found much that stops them, but in my signature there is a link to a thread a few people were a part of a while back listing things tfhat they found helpful, may be worth trying a few and seeing if any work for you?

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Old 08-04-2015, 04:50 PM   #3
OrchestraSystem
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Thank you so much, I really hope some of those help because it's getting hard to manage for a lot of us, we don't sleep until 4-7am lately because we're too scared to sleep in case we have more nightmares. So that plus nightmares means we're entirely out of it and exhausted the next day and we aren't awake until 2-5pm.

More reasons we need a therapist when we can find one to work with us. I think it's about time we learned how to get past the trauma.



.a DID system. there are so many.


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Old 08-04-2015, 05:32 PM   #4
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Nightmares are horrible, but I think in some ways its a sign that you brain is freeing up some of the memories which in the past you were more dissociated. In a way, that's a sign of moving forwards. However it is very tough to cope with and it helps if you can have someone to talk to.

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Old 08-04-2015, 07:50 PM   #5
Leean
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I'm so sorry those awful things happened and that you're having nightmares and flashbacks :(

I personally keep a dream diary, I try to write down the bad stuff that happened, even if its scary or triggering so I can get it all out there. Then I drink some calming tea, maybe listen to light music or watch a funny video, then I have this 'relaxation' scented stuff I spray in my room and then go to sleep with a little light dim light somewhere in the room or just outside my door if I keep it open at night.
I find a tiny bit of light helps with nightmares. My old therapist told me about it and it actually works, plus writing stuff in a journal helps get all the emotions out and then if you go into denial, the memory is there on paper as proof.

Make sure the light is not a bright one. A dim torch or something works just as well, or a childs night light.

If all else fails maybe try a relaxing bath with lavender? Lavender helps calm the nervous system, helps headaches, and helps you to sleep :)



~ Leean ~

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Old 08-04-2015, 08:07 PM   #6
OrchestraSystem
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@Epicene
I guess that is true. I know a lot of us knew the basics of that memory before but seeing it in more detail was fairly new from what I've been told. It's progress but dealing with it without help is difficult.

@Leean
Thank you <3

A dream diary might be helpful. I know some of us have written our dreams and nightmares down on an online journal but we should probably start doing it more and actually writing it on paper as I know that helps more with processing. Thank you.

I wish we could have a light, unfortunately we find it difficult to sleep unless it's pretty much pitch-black and we seem to have nightmares and panic even if the sun has started to rise and light up the room. So I'm unsure if it would help. We may have to try it out though, it may be difficult to get used to but if it would help us stop struggling as much then that would be great. It's worth a shot anyway, fingers crossed it'll work a little.

Any form of bath would help us relax so much. We have the sad problem that our bath is just straight and flat at the back so you can't lay down and it's extremely shallow (maybe just about covers thighs). It's a shame because we have Lush bathbombs and bath melts but can rarely use them without being in someone else's house. I know we do plan to move possibly within a year or so, if we do then the top priority is having a bath we can lay down in to relax. We need it for self care and to settle down fibromyalgia flare-ups.

Thank you for the advice, it's highly appreciated.

Nik.



.a DID system. there are so many.


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Old 09-04-2015, 12:56 AM   #7
Leean
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Do you know any good online journal places that are private? That might work too, I prefer physical diaries because I feel like I have to hold a piece of paper that says 'so and so happened' for it to be real. Maybe that's just my weird way of coping.

I think green lights work better if I remember what the therapist said? Green is supposed to be more calming or something like that. I like a deep purple so its super dim, but still enough light so it's not totally dark.

Sorry you don't have a good bath! I hope one day things go well and you can all get a really nice big bath that you can pretty much swim in! Those are always the best baths :)



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