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Old 18-03-2015, 02:46 PM   #1
MissWay
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Contains sexual abuse - Can't hold it in much longer *tw* (replies welcome)

Freshman year, I was sent to two different inpatients. Well, at the second one, I had a really rough time. On the first unit I was on, everyone would joke that I was anorexic, to the point where they would get in front of me in the meal-line and tell the people serving the food to not bother giving me some, because I would just throw it away. Well, I got sick of it, and I stood up during community meeting one meeting and said "I don't like when people call me anorexic." Well, one of the girls who was responsible for the whole thing got up and started screaming "I know that bitch ain't talking about me." And she ended up pushing through two hospital-staff and punched me in the face.
Later that day, I was transferred onto another unit, where word had already spread about Nesaaya punching me in the face. The teasing started up right away, so I went to one of the staff and complained. Well, my roommate didn't like that at all, so she paid me back in the night-time for the rest of my hospital stay. I never told anyone that she had raped me, because I was too ashamed. She said that if I ever made a formal complaint, she would make sure Nesaaya and I would be alone together. I hated it. She would use my panties to bind my wrists together, then she would ram her whole fist up into me, and she did this every night for two weeks. I hated it, and when I tried to cry out, she rammed a shirt into my mouth. She always did it on my bed, so that when the staff came around to check in on us, everything would seem normal. The pain was excruciating, and the bleeding wouldn't stop, and she told the hospital staff that it was just my period.
Even after I got out, I didn't tell anyone. You guys are the only ones I have ever disclosed this to.
But, yeah. THAT is why I am so terrified of going inpatient again.
I am having really bad flashbacks, because this is I think the third anniversary of them happening?


Last edited by MissWay : 24-03-2015 at 08:16 PM.




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Old 19-03-2015, 01:05 PM   #2
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I disclosed to a therapist yesterday what happened when I was in inpatient.





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Old 19-03-2015, 03:14 PM   #3
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I think it was really brave of you to disclose this to your therapist. How did it go? I can't imagine how violated and unsafe you felt in a place that is designed to be safe and therapeutic. Your ordeal must have been so confusing and traumatic. I hope that you don't associate healing with being abused because they are not linked. You can heal and find that safe space without being taken advantage of. *cuddles you*

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Old 19-03-2015, 03:45 PM   #4
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My therapist was really nice about it all. I told her about how I had disclosed it only to a couple of other people, on this forum, and she seemed happy for me that I had found a way to vent. I have kept the pain to myself all this time, and it is why I started cutting again, to be honest with you.
It is impossible for me to see how that place will ever be safe. I was told I'd be fine, then they left me with a monster! A monster who took joy out of shoving her fists up my ass, who raped me with bottles, who bound me and gagged me, and said if i ever told anyone, she'd find me and kill me.
I am in so much pain, I feel like she is assaulting me all over again :(





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Old 19-03-2015, 04:26 PM   #5
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*cuddles you*

You've taken a massive step to speak out and it can now be the start of your recovery. What she did to you is vile, wrong and atrocious. Keep strong and keep the communication here and with your therapist open.

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Old 19-03-2015, 04:27 PM   #6
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Thanks, Sophie <3 *sighs* It is just so hard. Luckily, music helps <3





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Old 19-03-2015, 04:50 PM   #7
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Well done for telling your therapist. In time it may be worth sharing what happened with ward staff so that something like this doesn't happen again to anyone. That might also bring you some sort of closure. However it is up to you and it's best to take small steps to begin with.

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Old 19-03-2015, 06:03 PM   #8
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Here is the full story. I am only posting it to get it all out in the open, because I cannot keep it holed up inside me much longer.

Warning: **contains triggers and details of graphic sexual assault**

The following content has been hidden - Reason : highly triggering content

Sasha was my roommate. No, Sasha was not her real name. We were up late one night, and somehow we got to talking about our breasts. She pulled her shirt up and showed me hers. She walked over to me and pulled my shirt up. She latched her mouth around my nipple, and when I tried to push her away, she threatened to get the girl who punched me to hurt me a hell of a lot worse if I didn’t do what she wanted. I resigned and let her push me onto the floor, and it went downhill from there. She went into the bathroom and came back with a bottle of shampoo, and a waterbottle. I looked at her and was like, “What are you gonna do with that?” She smiled and was like, “You’ll see.” She took my shirt off completely and used it to bind my wrists together. She had me roll over, so I was on my stomach on the floor. She pulled my pajama shorts down and laughed. “What’s so funny?” I whispered. “This,” she said as she pulled my panties down around my ankles and sort of knotted them. She reached over and took the shampoo bottle in her hand. She put the bottle on the floor for a second and took my hips in her hands and lifted, so I was stuck there with my ass in the air. She opened the bottle and squirted some shampoo in my buttcrack, then she began rubbing. She also put shampoo on her hand, and she started pushing her finger into my anus, gently at first. She yanked her finger out, and I cried out in surprise. She then took her shirt off and balled it up. I shook my head vehemently as she stuffed the shirt into my mouth. “Shut up, slut. You know you want this,” she said as she rammed her fist into my butt. I held back a scream as she began pumping. In a minute or two, she had had her hand, up to her wrist, inside my anus, but she didn’t stop there and let out a moan as I felt my flesh rip. At this point, there were tears rolling down my cheeks, but I was quiet. With one hand already inside me, she used her leg to wrench my legs apart, and I remember this sharp pain as I closed around her fist. She smiled as she took the water bottle in her free hand and reached between my legs. She gently rubbed the entrance of my vagina with the mouth of the bottle, and then she rammed it in halfway. She left it there and brought her hand back through, then teased the opening of my anus with her free hand, before ramming it up my ass too. Then she straddled the back of my knees and literally began fist-pumping. I was bleeding quite copiously now, but, strangely enough, I had grown numb. I mean, I could feel myself tearing and ripping, yet I couldn’t feel anything at all. Once she seemed to be satisfied, she slowly pulled her hands out and looked at the blood. She licked her fingers and roughly rolled me, so that I was on my back. She noticed that the bottle had fallen out in the scuffle, so she shrugged and set it aside. She stepped out of her shorts, and left them there. She then took her panties off, and draped them over my breasts. She stepped between my knees and sat down, giving her access to my vagina and clitoris. She pried my knees even further apart, to the point where I thought I would pass out from the pain, and she wrapped her legs up around my stomach, so we were vagina to vagina. She took my clitoris in her fingers and began pinching, hard. With her middle finger, she inserted herself up into me and began caressing. I was sobbing now, and yet I felt this wave of euphoria wash over me when my body finally gave in and orgasmed. She took this as a sign of encouragement, so she unbound my ankles, and used her hands to pry my legs apart. I whimpered softly, and she stopped. She stood up and kicked me in the stomach, causing me to roll over. “I thought I told you to shut the **** up, you little ****,” she snarled as she rammed her fist back up my anus. I bit back a scream as she began punching. She pulled her fist out and laughed. “You know, for someone so tight, you sure have a nice ass,” she said as she sat on the floor cross-legged. She thrusted her hands under my ribcage, and pulled me onto her lap. She raised her hand, and slapped me so hard I saw stars. I must have tried to flinch away from her, because she started spanking me hard. I let out a moan of defeat, and let my body go completely limp. She rolled me over on her lap, and looked down at me. “For a white girl, you are actually pretty cute. Which is why I am gonna enjoy this so much more,” she said as she slid out from under me. She walked away for a moment, and I was praying to pass out. She walked back around and straddled me again. She took my breasts in her hands and began squeezing and twisting. I tried to shift my arms so the binding wasn’t as tight, but she noticed and clucked her tongue. “You thought it was bad before? Ha. I will show you how bad I can be,” she said as she began kissing me. I cried out against the shirt in my mouth, and she started kissing down my neck. I began trying to twist away from her, and she bit me on the neck. I gasped, and she licked her tongue down onto my breast. I shivered, and she took my nipple between her teeth and sucked. My back arched, and she bit me, hard. She licked down into my belly button, then started nipping down. She slid herself out from under me and took my clitoris in her teeth. She flicked her tongue over me, and I shuddered at her touch. She took her hand and rammed it up inside of my vagina, and the pain was enough to make me black out. I have no idea how long I was out. I just remember coming to and feeling her pumping herself up into me. She laughed and took her hand out. “Remember, slut, one word of this, and I will get Nesaaya over here.” She unbound me and took the shirt out of my mouth. “Now get some sleep. You and I are not finished yet.” A few hours later she woke me up by ripping my shorts off of me and using them to bind my ankles together. “Please, no,” I whispered in the dark. She smiled and ripped my panties off of me. She dropped them on the floor and grinned as she rolled me over. “Please, no more,” I begged as she rammed her hand up my anus. “I told you we weren’t finished yet, did I not?” she smiled as she rotated her wrist. Once she had her hand sideways, she splayed her fingers, and the pain caused me to buck under her. “Stay still, goddammit,” Sasha hissed as she thrust her other hand up my ass. I whimpered as she rhythmically rammed her arms up me. She began grunting and panting, and began thrusting even harder and faster. My flesh ripped, and she took that as the opportunity to take both fists out and stand on my bed. She balanced her foot in my buttcrack, then kicked. I saw stars, and she began kicking herself further into me. “Please, stop. You can do anything else you want to me, but, please, stop,” I whimpered, trying to talk with my face ramming into the pillow. “For now,” she whispered, withdrawing her foot and rolling me over. She looked down at me, then ripped her panties off. She positioned herself so that her vagina was right on my mouth, and she rammed her elbow up my vagina. “Suck me, white ****,” she hissed, jabbing her elbow further up into me. Frightened, I took her clitoris in my mouth, then I bit her, as hard as I could. “You bitch!” she cried, practically sitting on my neck to give herself better leverage. She nudged her second elbow up my vagina, and she began thrusting. I felt myself ripping and tearing once more, and I know I began to bleed, because she began pumping faster and harder than ever before. “You like that,” she asked as I involuntarily orgasmed around her arm. She removed herself off of me for a second, then got off the bed. She knocked on the wall, and soon there was a knock on the door. She skipped to the door and opened it, revealing several other girls from our unit. “I see you have been busy.” one of the other girls said, getting up on the bed and lazily fingering me. “I have, and you guys are welcome to share,” she said, lifting my hips and positioning herself between my legs. Sasha rammed her knee up my ass, and the girl who had fingered me sat on my breasts and forced me to eat her out. One of the other girls jumped on top of me and rammed her hand up my vagina. I screamed, but nothing came out. I tried throwing them off of me, but the girl sitting on my tits reared back and slapped me. I felt bones in my cheek break, so I tried to be still. A fourth girl got next to Sasha and rammed HER arm up into me. I passed out from the pain, and when I woke up, Sasha was sound asleep in the bed next to mine, and I was naked and covered in blood. My breasts, nipples, and lips were swollen, covered in bite-marks, and bruised black. In the nights to come, Sasha would wake me up by stripping me, binding me, and forcing herself up my anus, then raping me orally, vaginally, and every other way possible. She let the other girls hurt me too. This happened every night for the next two and a half weeks. I only just disclosed to a therapist what she did to me.


Last edited by Aardbei : 23-03-2015 at 10:28 PM. Reason: Placed under hide box as could be very triggering




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Old 20-03-2015, 01:59 PM   #9
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Okay. I had this bad flashback while I was in the shower last night, and I fell and hit my head. That has never happened to me like this before, and it scares me.





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Old 20-03-2015, 02:40 PM   #10
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P.P.S. the thrashing in my signature describes how I am currently feeling,





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Old 20-03-2015, 04:50 PM   #11
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So...I flash backed during lunch abad literally had to grip the edge of the table to keep from falling to the floor in pain.





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Old 23-03-2015, 06:01 PM   #12
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Okay, so. My weekend went okay, only one flashback.





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Old 26-03-2015, 06:53 PM   #13
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Okay. Ow. In the middle of a really bad flashback. DOn't know what to do.





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Old 27-03-2015, 12:31 PM   #14
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I told my mom everything.





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Old 28-03-2015, 03:41 AM   #15
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How did it go?

I'm so sorry you have faced this pain. It isn't fair at all. You deserve better.
Is your therapist helping you through all these flashbacks?

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Old 30-03-2015, 01:59 PM   #16
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Yeah, he is. Thanks. I am doing really good, thanks for asking.





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Old 10-04-2015, 02:01 PM   #17
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So. Next Thursday, I have to go to Philadelphia for a forensic interview about what happened to me while I was inpatient. :(





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Old 11-04-2015, 09:09 PM   #18
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Good luck. I hope it gives you some sense of closure and knowledge you are helping to protect others.

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Old 13-04-2015, 08:06 PM   #19
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well done for being able to tell people. I can;t think of much to say but good luck with the interview, hopefully in time it will bring some level of closure though I realise that right now that may not be much comfort.

there is a link in my signature with some grounding tecnequies in it that may be worth a luck, one or two may be of help

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