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Old 14-03-2015, 10:34 PM   #1
high.hopes's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: England
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Contains sexual abuse - Anniversary nightmares

So, I haven't been on here in ages & I feel extremely guilty for posting but didn't know what else to do... On a whole, things aren't terrible but it's coming up the 4th year since the r*pe. I'm at uni now and don't have time to struggle or be upset. And my boyfriend just gets really angry if I mention it and doesn't know details. I lied and said I didn't know who he was because he threatened to kill them.

I'm having the most horrific dreams and feel preoccupied with things that happened then, what happened after and people involved around the time... I'm not sure if it's been made worse by the woman I saw from Camhs texting me and asking how I was etc. I'm terrified the dreams are the start of a downward spiral. I've not seriously and deliberatly self harmed in a long time but urges are sneaking in. I've had an 'ok' sexual relationship with my partner but that's stopped too... Just keep making up excuses. I'm really scared and can't stand this awful feeling that's come back.

Any advice, support & understanding would be amazing. Thank you.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...

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Old 19-03-2015, 08:57 PM   #2
I always have a choice
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Definitely don't feel guilty for posting, you are always welcome here.

When you say that your boyfriend gets angry, is he angry at the boy who did it, or angry that you mention it?

How did things end with CAMHS? If I remember correctly, there was mention of EMDR but you never really completed any formal trauma work; if that's the case, would it be something you would consider now?

I'm confident that you will think that is an absolutely horrendous suggestion, as I imagine you're looking for a way to not think about it, rather than a therapy focussed on thinking about it (and you were always a very reluctant service-user in the first place!). However, I don't think there is a quick fix solution to the fact that you're struggling now and may well struggle next March too and at times in between.

So I guess the decision to make is to decide whether you can tolerate this level of distress and hope that each year it gets a lot easier or whether you are willing to go through the stress of fully addressing your trauma, in the hopes that it makes things a lot better.

Out of interest, since starting uni have you sought any sort of professional help for any of your difficulties?

Thinking of you <3

P.S. Sorry if that didn't make sense; I am legit half asleep and I had lots of thoughts but not quite the ability to articulate them in paragraph form!

P.P.S. Have I ever told you how proud I am of how far you have come?

Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 19-03-2015 at 09:03 PM.

We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult

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