so stupid

[ferretmonster]

Last night i emailed the samaritans,

i have just read their reply, it has taken me this long to gain the courage to look, and i feel so sick and so nervous, my hearts going ten to the dozen, i feel so bare, i have never ever spoken to anyone about my sh before, in fact only my bf and best friend knows i ever did it (they dont know about current issues).

i feel so strange like any minute now someone will find out it was me and come and find me,

i want to cry over things that happened years ago,

sorry, just wanted to get my feelings out somewhere and here i know people wont judge me about it.

[Stellata]

It's safe here.
It's ok to cry.

[ferretmonster]

Thank you stellata,

i just dont know what to dxo with myself and my boyfriend is downstairs and i dont want him to see me cry because he will want to know why,

*deep breaths*

[ferretmonster]

Thank you, logically i know they wont look me up but i have a deep routed phobia of people thinking im crazy, and i cant help but feel if people knew what goes on in my head that bad things will happen,

i feel a bit better now, less stressed now, until the next reply comes...

[ferretmonster]

i really dont know,

(wants to cry again)

i might lose people, my job, my friends? people will think badly of me, im not really sure,

*breaths deeply*

people will make me talk about things i dont want to...im really bad at talking about emotions, online its a bit easier but in person its impossible,

[ferretmonster]

do the insecurities ever leave?

i so worry that i will end up back where i was back then,

thank you so much for talking to me

[Casper_Fading]

Was it a good reply? *hugs*

[blondiebear]

How are you now?
*hugs*

[ferretmonster]

:) i have had several replies since last night and last night i was getting quite into talking to them,

i dont feel like it today, back to feeling its non of their business (i know i contacted them stupid me)

i may go back to it later and see how i feel,

thank you for your support :)

[ferretmonster]

poo poo poo poo poo

i just did something stupid

talking to my boyfriend when for no particular reason i lifted my t shirt,

forgot what i did to it last night,

poo poo poo

*smacks head against desk*